Watching a sex comedy

>watching a sex comedy
>I don't get any of the jokes
>I'm 27 and I've never even masturbated

>had a gf for 7 years and still dont get most relationship/sex references we're both so autistic

>>I'm 27 and I've never even masturbated
It taints the heart. More then anything.

>I'm 27 and I've never even masturbated
How is this possible?

>tfw asexual
>in theory i should have all this free time
>spend it on Sup Forums

No time like the present, OP

>I'm 27 and I've never even masturbated
Don't start

So I was on my bed fapping with Astroglide. I was also massaging my perineum, which, if you've never tried it, is fucking awesome. Then discovered that it felt good when I rubbed my asshole with a lubricated finger. One thing led to another, and before I knew where I was at I was masturbating with a finger up my ass. But I couldn't reach my prostate! I heard that makes you come harder. I was so desperate for a earth-shattering orgasm... that's what made it seem like a good idea to do what I did next.
I keep a Kubotan in my night stand in case I need it for self-defense. I looked at it as my orgasm came nearer yet my finger, now thrust into my rectum to the third knuckle, was frustratingly just a half-centimeter from my prostate. I pulled my finger out of my ass, and, with one hand still stroking my throbbing cock, I squeezed Astroglide all over my Kubotan.
Putting the pointed end into my anus, I slowly started working it in. My other hand was still stroking my cock, and the deeper I got with the Kubotan, the harder and more sensitive my penis became. I knew once I started massaging my prostate, I would have the orgasm of a lifetime.
Finally, I reached the prostate, and started massaging it vigorously with my Kubotan. The sensation was beyond belief. I started rubbing harder and harder, while masturbating myself ever more furiously. I could feel the tension start to build, deep and strongly inside of me. My testicles drew up and became rock-hard orbs bouncing between my stiff cock and my steel Kubotan My entire body started to spasm, waves of pleasure shooting through me like bottle rockets. Then I began to orgasm...and between you and me, something amazing happened... and now I can talk to animals. It's really cool, but totally secret. And you know what? Life's never been the same.

>get my first girlfriend
>finally get her undressed after two years of dating
>turns out she has a dick
hold me, bros

Ive never gotten a boner

>pic related is me (no joke), live at home, 36, unemployed, no gf
>sister is some international lawyer with a normie life, two brat kids and a mechatronic engineer as a husband
>watching Daredevil (2003) with parents
>sex scene comes on
>get embarrassed, start sweating
>parents look at me
>'don't you think it's time you gave us grandkids as well Philip?'
>I ignore them

I fucking hate my fucking life. I want to die.

>hold me, bros

Sounds like you got that covered.

>Learned everything from Porn & movies
>they never tell you the girl runs to the restroom after you nut in her in a panic using tissues forcing it out

kill your brother in law and fuck ur sister

problemo solved

>watching a movie with my parents
>know a sex scene is about to come on
>go to the bathroom before it happens
>sit in the hallway and wait for it to be done before I come back into the living room

>Not making eye contact with your dad

Good bait man

(You)

Could be worse.

>47
>wizard

I am eternal.

autism

>hanging with friends (inb4 reeee)
>males and females present
>conversation turns sexual
>sweatyman.jpg
>force a smile when lewd things are said
>look at my phone otherwise to evade until topic moves on
>"hey user when was

fuck i cant even

>tfw lied about losing my virginity

Do kids these days really have sex by 13? Jesus fucking Christ...I lost it at 23, and nobody ever berated not having a sexually active teenage life.

>tfw convinced myself I don't even care about sex

>tfw lost virginity to some Asian whore
>tfw at party & this question comes up
>tfw tell everyone
>tfw her bf was there & i didnt even know

Do the same desu, its so wierd realising your parents did something similar to have you and being in the same room during a movie's sex scene is unbarable. Anyone whos fine with it is autistic.

jesus christ you both must be hideously ugly

>lost my virginity at 16 while drunk at a house party

Normie life

>mfw my main really is on Eredar

When you lose it isn't important by your mid 20's, just that you've lost it and are able to keep it lost (your virginity comes back if you don't have sex for 5 years).

paying a prostitute doesn't count as losing your virginity either

jerk tbo

I'm normal as fuck. gf, job, friends, family and I masterbate everyday...yet I still come here every spare minute I get.

Stop buying into the memes. Seriously, this place is bad for your mind.

or just not american and terrified of sex

being able to ask your parents questions about sex is so reassuring and helpful, but for amerisads this is too gross since you have the mental maturity of a 7 year old, and you end up fucking up contraception and getting pregnant ect

I have stopped having sex to check Sup Forums on my phone before

I'm doing the right thing by letting black men fuck my gf though right?

You've got a prostate, get to work.

Yes, a white person's intelligence combined with an african's physical strength is the true master race.

Sounds like you need a better stimulus. Have you tried murdering small animals?

gtfo roastie

why should you die? Why not them?