Funny sex stories

funny sex stories

>be me
>meet 19 yr old qt314^2
>her pussy smells like velvet
>her body is carved out of marble - track for 4 years
>its the 2nd time we're hooking up
>both blotto
>"its really hard for me to cum in general. don't worry"
>a fucking challenge.
>determined to make her cum no matter what
>edgy drunk foreplay ensues
>fuck her gently, intimately, kiss her passionately
>piledrive her into oblivion with her face between my couch cushions
>fold her into fetal posish for maximal cervial destruction
>i'm panting like a chihuahua locked in a minivan in a texas august
>nothing. no orgasm.
>she smiles at me as if saying "told you"
>okay bitch!
>start eating that pussy like an autist on bath salts
>fuck the alphabet game
>lapping at this pussy like parched german shepards just released from the minivan
>do the "come hither"
>do the "pacman"
>im playing piano inside this pussy
>"oh user. oh user. oh god please dont stop. please"
>clam lapping intensifies
>cant feel my arm, fingers, tongue, face
>by now half the bed is a puddle
>weird taste enters my mouth
>"Oh user OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!!!!"
>idgaf. activate anerobic fast twitch muscle fibers
>allahu ahkbar.
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
>symphonies to my ears
>victory tastes motherfucking sweet
>look at bed
>bed covered in blood
>forgot to mention she was lowkey still on her period
>pic related. my face, but worse

Other urls found in this thread:

cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a206/kiss-oral-sex/
twitter.com/NSFWRedditGif

GODLY KEK pls make a screencap

>I had that problem one time with a girl, only it was a rimjob and there wasn't any blood involved.

jesus fuck. it was shit??

Op got his redwings, I figured since I already had mine, best to ascend to the next level.

Bumpity

thats disgusting. You can get aids that way.

>be me
>lick girl
>want to kiss her
>she turns her head away, only kiss cheak
>"I don't kiss after I was licked"
>We fuck
>I want her to suck
>She doesn't want to suck
>I wash my dick in the bathroom
>she sucks

Why are there women who are digusted of her own juices? Why do they think it would be normal not to kiss a guy to lick you? Way to punish somebody who does you a favor

cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a206/kiss-oral-sex/

pic not related

>be me
>with cutie on couch kissing and heavy petting
>she stops me and cries
>"user i have herpes. i wanted to be honest cuz youre a nice guy"
>"oh. no big deal"
>fuck her anyway because no standards and beta as fuck
>at least its not aids

so she fucks other without telling first?

her ex. i hadnt fucked her yet.

>smells like velvet?

Huh?

>start banging my gf
>wetter than usual
> not abnormal but feelsgoodman.jpg
>fuck her silly cause that dick going in and out like butter
>change position
>notice blood on my hand
>check dick
>blood all over it and all over her pussy/inner legs
>meh
>clean ourselves up
>put a condom on and lay a towel down
>finish

herpes isnt as bad as people think. Do some research

Not terribly funny but best I got
>be me, in college
>drunken night of partying
>start hooking up with some 6/10 slut cause I'm drunk and pussy ain't got no face
>black out while still conscious, don't remember at least an hour of the night
>come out of blackout naked in a strange bed
>penetrating this slut, no clue how I got here
>she grabs my hair, pulls my face down to hers
>yells as loud as she can "fucking choke me you bitch"
>fucking choked that bitch

Man, if I could've stayed hard would've been the best sex ever

Why would you put a condom on...

less of a mess to clean up m8

guys these open blisters on your genitals aren't as bad as people think, honest. please have sex with me.

include me in the screencap

I mean you already stopped halfway through to clean up, I'd just keep going

I've had cold sore herpes since I was a kid. Get a cold sore on my lower lip once every couple years that lasts 3 or 4 days, and now I can never get dick herpes. It's not horrible tbh

>gf of 3 years wants to go to chicago and dance
>shes a tiny white corn-fed hoosier who listens to drake
>drive to chicago, stay with friend
>at club in pretty ghetto part of town
>gf gets rekt and wonders off to the bathrooom
>after 15 minutes get worried
>go to look for her
>see drake-lookalike motherfucker talking to her her
>he grabs her ass
>she doesn't stop him
>they walk off as she reaches for her phone
>i get text from her "hey user, i went to lucys place to get something"
>lucy is our mutual friend
>follow them and watch
>he takes her into a VIP room and i cant get in
>lucy shows up "hey user your gf went to my place to get something, shell be right back"
>cant believe my ears
>is this really happening?
>break down crying
>text gf frantically but not getting delivered messages
>mental breakdown
>run out of club to lucys place to get my keys and drive back home and trash her apartment
>open apartment door and my gf steps out of the bathroom
>relief of 1000 missed hiroshimas washes over me
>fuck her harder than ive ever fucked her in 3 years
>came buckets and so did she
>best sex of my life

Wut

The vip room leads to the bathroom of her apartment? Chicago has some strange architecture

haha similar shit happened to me once
came to as i was fucking
but i knew who i was fucking i wasnt totally blacked out

...

There's not going to be one because this isn't a legendary thread, you fucking spaz.

the open blisters go away after 2 years
if youre healthy and often times they never come back

what is a legendary thread?

Please gtfo and get raped newfag.

fuuuck how can i become wise oldfag if nobody teaches me... ?

ANSWER THIS QUESTION

kek

Lol nice

Seriously, we don't want you here. You're obviously a normie. Either you have autism or you don't, and you don't. Now get out.

so if your g/f actually went to the apartment and wasn't in vip with Drake, who was phone?

i had the wrong girl. girl who went into VIP room wasnt my gf. same dress tho and build. gf actually went to friends apartment to change

>be me in college
>have gf
>shits going good
>also have dog
>dog bites gf
>gf goes to hospital and needs surgery
>makes a full recovery, minimal scarring
>gets a script to Perc 30s for pain (she had a high tolerance, so they gave her a literal fuck ton)
>doens't really use them
>always gives them to me to either sell or take (mostly sold)
>one time, we both took some
>one thing leads to another
>end up fucking for about 2 straight hours
>really passionate, doped up sex
>the best kind
>after a thorough dicking, we both climax at the same time
>after we finish, there is a moment where we are just staring at each other
>one of those moments where it seems like I should say something really romantic and endearing
>kiss her a bit, clutch her hand
>look her dead in the eyes and say:
Dont worry..... we won
>hold my hand up for a high 5
>I freeze
>realize how quickly I went from Romantic to retard
>Fuckimashithead.jpg
>She ends up giggling
>slaps me 5
>tells me to never say that again

Lurk moar faggot

i have been lurking for 7 months now. how much do i have to lurk until i am oldfag?

wut?? won what?

When you've forgotten that bananas used to appear in YLYL threads, then you've lurked enough.

Sup Forums me
>15, about to have sex for first time
>she's 14, a bit of a whore
>snuck of house to meet her around 1am, we have a sleeping bag and are both inside it in the side yard of her house
smalltownlife.zip
>she pulls down my pants, feels my weiner for a bit then tells me to climb on
>i put on condom and get on top of her, dick is diamonds as i realize it is finally going to happen
>can't locate the vagina, loterally stabbing her with my cock for a good 5 minutes trying to locate the opening
>give up out of embarassment, slump on top of her
>she says its ok and rolls me on my back
>slides dick inside of her
Feelsgoodman.jpeg
>rides me for a minute breathing hard in my ear, cum immediately
>she keeps riding not knowing I came. Breathing heavily in my ear
>i have no idea how to break the news to her so just let her keep riding and grit my teeth to bear it
>penis slowly becomes flaccid, eventually just slips out of her
>she stops, looks down, rolls off of me
>we get dressed and i go home

Performance has improved since then

always a new fag

Forced, unfunny, and retardedly cliche.

Minus 15 points for obvious same-fagging atKys(-15)/10
Saged

>be David
>4AM sitting alone in my office
>throwing scratched ideas in the fireplace
>the phone interrupts my deep meditation
>it's Weiss.
>sounding like he found the cure for cancer
>"DABID"
>"DABID"
>he's out of breath
>"DABID WAT IF AN ALIEN IS HUNTIGN RAMSAY THRU THE FOREST
>my pupils widen
>Weiss can barely articulate the pure raw emotion coming over him
>"DDD ..D...DABID WHAT IF R.. RAMSAY TAKES HIS SHIRT OF AND STARTS HUNTING THE ALIEN WITH A CHOPPER"
>with those words all reality breaks
>i can only see a shirtless ramsay fucking up an alien
>it's
>so
>fucking
>RAD!
>i start demolishing everything in my office in a frenzy
>Weiss is on the other line through the entire ordeal -screaming his lungs out
>then a realization hits
>there are no aliens in GoT (yet)
>i cry
>all i wanted was a good show
>a fun show
>i pick up the phone and scream inarticulately at Weiss
>no words are needed - he understands me immediately. he starts weeping in unison
>this goes on for 34 minutes
>"d david"
>"david what if sans get"
>"what if sans gets raped by ramsy"
>not sure if i heard him correctly
>"what if ramsy burns stans food david and then stan has to kill sharon because he has no food"
>irony taste in my mouth.
>realize it's blood
>"y you mean to eat her'?"
>"NO. to win the war DABID!!!'
>grab my dick with my left hand and my idea crayons with the right
>ramsay could probably do it with about 20 good men. i realize. he knows the land
>"DABID BAD PUSSY BAD PUSSY DABID"
>don't know what that's about but it sounds rad as fuck
>write it down also

> be me in graduate school
> meet crazy religious albanian qt
> lets me fuck her raw on the first date cuz we both took molly
> both first timers
> we fuck for 6 hours not even exaggerating
> later on she tells me that while she was cumming she felt like she was a japanese garden
> also said she felt like geometric line segments
> never had sex that good again
> i love molly

>7 months
>when will I be oldfag?

>be me in college
>get text from summer fuckbuddy who is many states away
>we chat a little
>am bored and horny
>tell her to go to her room and get in bed
>call her and start giving her instructions
>tell her to finger herself
>she starts breathing heavy
>shesgonnablow.bat
>hear slamming sound
>immediate cessation of heavy breathing
>wtf?
>"my sister walked in"
>lol
>hang up
>mfw

YLYL is you laugh you lose
see i know shit.
i am oldfagger than all of you idiots.
i know about puddi. bet you dont.

I have no clue man... Percocet. My brain was mush and I thought it would come off romantic. Instead, I went full aspie and she laughed in my face, like she should have.

Here's another:

>Be me
>seeing a different girl now
>girl always complaining that she has a super tight pussy
>sex always hurts, too sore from me, etc
>no fucks given on my end
>just keep doing my thing and ignore he complaining for the most part
>one day, starts complaining as per usual about her lady parts
>pay no mind
>fuck her anyway
>FFW a few days
>my dick is burning like a motherfucker
>piss is hot as fuck and wont come out in a solid stream
>fuck this cunt gave me an STD
>arrange to meet her at a bar to break up
>ends up being a total fiasco, devolving into "YOU gave it to ME" back & forth, solving nothing
>both end up agreeing to get tested
>shes clean
>Im clean
>turns out I had sediment in my urine from a preexisting condition I have with my prostate
>TL;DR pissing crystals and it makes my dick hurt, but nothing is 'wrong'
>call her up and take her out for a drink to appologize
>while at bar having apology drink friends walk in
>one asks why were here and explain the situation
>laughs and replies with:
Damn! I've heard of giving girls a pearl necklace, but never a diamond one!

That's super hot OP. I have a kink for mendtruation

I've been lurking daily since 2007 and I'm not an oldfag.

Man, you newfags really active my almonds.
Pls kys and stay kys

top kek / 10

>this goes on for 34 minutes
lost my shti!

1/10 joke, your friend is presumed virgin

lel

Oldfag here, been here since the 2nd fappening. I am old enough to remember what moot is

Fuck off newfags you are cancer

true story

> at club with Sup Forumsros
> beta faggot comes up to me and keeps calling me a bitch
> he isn't intimidated by my crew
> he is friends with one guy and they chat
> occasionally looks at me and tries to initiate conversation
> im busy sniping pussy
> night doesn't go well so i text one of my fuckpigs
> he follows me constantly talking
> calling me a bitch still
> i punch him in the face
> tell him to fuck off
> he asks me if ive ever kissed a man before
and before i can answer he gets down and pulls my cock out
> he is sucking my cock in public but its 3am so nobody around
> i dont get hard. clearly not a faggot.
> takes out his dick and its diamonds and small like dogs dick and asks me to suck it
> i tell him to fuck off and walk away leaving him there with his cock out
> go and fuck my slampiece like the alpha i am
> on shes engaged but cheating on her fiancee with me
> alpha as fuck

My friend you speak of has one of the hottest girlfriends I've ever met. But I suppose its a dumb point to make as I cannot prove it.

And no shit its a 1/10 joke, but thats why its rad you autist.

Doesn't matter - made her cum. Worth it.

>I know what YLYL means so I'm basically and oldfag you guys
>mfw

>be me drunk as fuck, call land whale booty call, literally 400 lbs. bang fat slut raw on shopping cart behind bar. Go to 711 make her buy me hot chocolate and leave.

>be me drunk again buddies sister in the street with us her parents pissed try to force her home nope.jpg she leaves me and the boys find her up the road I bang ugly slut on hooker mattress by the corner raw and fill with jizz then all my buddies have a go we all come walking back together and her brother wtf face. He knew

>be me drunk as fuck again get hit by car fuck slut for 2 hours with whiskey dick at her sisters christening stroll back in to her irate dad talking shit. Try to fight him steal her CDs and go get another bottle. Wake up next day go to hospital because hit by car and badly injured

>be me at movies with slut decide to leave her sister and friends there, go fuck in car miles away. Come back to movies to pick up sister and stepdad pissed girl in love cuz 1st multiple orgasm never allowed to see me again

cause A you can still get preggo. B, he might not want all that blood on this dick

how can you stay kys you idiot???
that doesn't make sense. can you even grammar faggot?

these make me happy to read, that all guys dont freak out abt periods, nice of u hope u get more nice sexe :)

Fuck that. I'll eat my own cum out of a my wife's pussy, and she'll suck her own juices off my dick. If you can't handle your own fluids, you don't need to be having sex in general.

will you eat your own shit out of her belly button too?

ur not an oldfag you fuckin twat

@731401794
Butthurt newfag detected

HAHAHAHA WHAT A FAG HAHAHAHA

>After banging a cali slut for the first time
"You have a pretty good penis for an Asian"
(Noticing she ends with "for an Asian", i kinda see where this is going.)
"Ill take that as a compliment"
"Asians usually have really small penis."
"Yo I workout I see a lot of penises I know that."
"Okay. But your‘ses pretty good for an Asian."
"Erm, thank you?"

Ha! You're asian.

is that guy in the background the "sometimes you just gotta crack an egg on a bitch" dude

This one landed me in jail.

>be me
>teacher
>always hit on by female students
>one particular girl always provokes me
>short pink dress above the knee, auburn locks, light brown eyes
>always calls me over to her by hand signal
>feel like a dog in heat
>near end of class break going into summer
>last day of school
>most students are gone and I'm with her in the classroom alone
>she heads to the back to get her pack
>motions for me to follow
>bad idea.
>diamonds
>she giggles as I get close
>puts two fingers in her mouth
>I'm losing it
>she squats, her legs spread, and she taps on the floor
>I undress immediately and lay down next to her, hard as steel
>she doesn't move at first then reaches for my cock
>her hands touch me teasingly
>say "really want to cum inside you"
>she giggles
>I move in, kiss her
>wet kiss
>I undress her, lay her on her back, position my cock just outside her sweet warm pussy
>"our secret?"
>she giggles
>my cock throbs in excitement letting out a huge drop of pre-cum on pussy entrance
>slide my cock inside her all at once
>felt like I my cock was being suffocated by the smallest wet warm hole known to men
>hear piercings shriek from her
>suddenly the tight pussy seems more accommodating.
>"shhhh they'll hear us!" I wispered.
>she cries violently
>blood everywhere
>mfw she's (was) a virgin
>colleague rushes in, sees us in the back
>"pls don't tell. She'll get in trouble and so will I"
>colleague leaves
>we stop fucking. She won't stop crying. Police shows up 4 minutes later and arrests me
>"charge? On what charge? It was consensual!"
>"Sir, you're under arrest for the rape of a 4-year-old, who can't consent"
>mfw I spent 10 years in jail because some cunt had to open her mouth about her real age
>mfw I'd do it all over again to feel her tight cunt rip while I'm inside.

Best fuck ever.

Who is heaven then you cunts

>what are periods

>leave where else and to go five guys for food
>LIT as fuck
>waiting in bathroom line
>a flock of gaggling homosexual spaniards are waiting
>get to talking to them
>a fat Donatello (ninja turtlr) gives me a little bottle and tells me to inhale strong
>wave of glowing warmth washes over me
>my anus quivers like subwoofer on max
>heart rate is 300+ and cock is diamonds
feelssogoodman.rar
>feeling wears off in 2 minutes
>wtf just happened
>he takes selfies with my 6pack
>asks if i want more
>i follow him into bathroom and sniff his little bottle like a lapdog
>he whips out his cock and tend to it like an african malnourished slave to a cheesburger
>i smear his dick sheese all over my lips
>i swallow his jungle juice proudly
>i am gay now
mfw

and then you woke up

Thats not alpha thats gay.

You literally let a guy suck your cock. You could have stopped him, backed away, covered up.

You punch was also so weak he sucked your dick rather than being in pain.

Beta as fuck

i was slightly curious what it would be like... everyone is curious. didnt like it. not gay. im confident in my sexuality.

and i didnt want to knock him out. i have taken 3 years of aikido, if i wanted to knock him out i could have. it was just to threaten him

Shut the fuck up retard

she needs to add this because your dick isn't that huge. Just for Asian standards

lowkey fucking pedo. die in a fire faggot.

Whatever fag

>aikido
...

Fake you idiot its just lies

>slightly curious

Guys sucking your dick. Like a girl doing it but much more gay. Are you totally retarded

newfag worried.

>not gay.

Hmmm. Yeah no

Stfu

Fucking lol story though faggot. Punch a random who is annoying you then let him suck your didk

My mom and dad have had herpes since before i was born. 80% of the world has some form of herpes. You need to stop reading alternative facts from 1980 commercials on "sex ed".

>be me in college
>dating girl for 1 month now
>she is much more experienced
>suggest anal and she is very willing
>try and stick it in slowly
>"just ram it in user. i like it hard."
>pound her asshole like a boss
feelsgoodman.pdf
>nut in her bunghole
>i take my dick out and its fucking chocolate tipped
>shit the size of a hersheys kiss right on the tip of my cock
>without hesitation she turns around and sucks me off clean
>we didn't date for long

mfw

...

You are an oldfag when you are an oldfag

You're retarded, it was only smellz

Yes, who WAS phone??????????

kek did she even look at the dick before sucking?