Hey b, help a brother out. I have this poem I'm writing and need some help. Here's what I have so far. Also pic unrelated just of my puppy
I do not know the words to find, so I hope this poem will do just fine.
Since the day we met you've been on my mind. It was almost if the stars aligned. I'll never forget how we met. You perfect brunette. Laser tag, who would've thought. What I like about you most is the way you smile when you begin to talk. Or how you carry yourself when you walk. All was going well until... I didn't really want to, but I was going downhill. I got depressed and tossed you away. Like yesterday's newspaper on a rainy day To a place where you don't belong. Because I was headed to my swan song. I think about you in the morning, I wish I would have had forewarning. Because I find you adoring. Mistakes we're made, and lessons were learned. Now this is what I yearned. A girl like you doesn't exist, except in dream that I once missed. I think about you in the afternoon, Hoping I can see you soon. I think about you in the evening, And I keep having this feeling. I think about you all night, Hoping that you would understand my plight. I know that I am odd, I really belong abroad. I hope you don't get mad, This poem is a confession, It comes straight from the heart I hope this doesn't end in rejection. I'm filled with anxiety, And Possibly Curiosity. I know you said you're not ready, and I'm probably unready. But when you are my door is open, Especially when I'm not broken.
arent you thankful that im posting in your thread?
Blake Taylor
Use bigger words. Sounds very childish and tennagerish, angsty. Needs a more grown up tone. Make the lines at least similar lengths or have a more complex rhyme pattern. Give it a meter (a rhythym to the words, stressed/vs unstressed syllables)
It needs a lot of work. Don't scrap it tho, it's always better to correct a template than start new in poetry, imho, keep editing.
Feels like you wrote it in one sittng. Edit it like ten times, using a thesaurus.
And less cliches. Try tossing in some more unknown or unexpected comparisons, etc.
"as if the stars aligned" is too cliche. and not "on" your mind, say "in," make her sound like a part of you already, that she can;t escape. Take ownership of the girl, like an alpha would, but with class.and not "almost " aligned. use "It was the day the stars aligned" or something past tense to give it more weighjt and finality.
Anthony Robinson
In a way cause it's getting bumped but I need help cause this poem is for a solid 8/10 to Sup Forums standards
Jonathan Davis
I have, I just started this poem. I've been sitting down for the past hour or so working on it
Brody Reed
Good stuff. I write like this too, at first, then edit my way into an epic. If you want I can post my fave one, with the soundtrack to accomprany each stanza Check if you like, and if you do, my advice will help. sound good?
Jose Reyes
Sounds fantastic
Aiden Young
k. wait a mo
Adrian White
I just wanted what was coming to mind written down so I know what Im trying to say and then work on it from there
Jace Perez
Listen for the meter:
A storm of dread and fright controlled the night As wild dreams of beast and man combined – Yes, the rider and his horses, Anger, Joy, and Fight Stomped, crashed, drove through the snow and somewhere pined – The wintry path was dark, and bright, and filled with danger, overcome with might.
The sledge then came upon a palace, for a waltz, And behind the balustrade, beyond the windows A ball! A bustle! And no, the dancing never halts! There she stands, in all her beauty, despite the shadows; Winter, it is her, forbidding, cold, and what a beauty – Ah! But to love! But to dance! And they’re all here The Springs, the Summers, and the Autumns! The cream, the nobles, the chevaliers and royalty! And yet she stands there, filling him with fear.
Not that you will ever know how i feel because i have not had the guts to tell you in person you're exactly what i want regardless of my thoughts, or of the things that I have said all i think of is you and me but thats all in my head tfw.
Gabriel Scott
Stanza 3
Her features icy? No, he sees her warmth Her breathe as dew, fresh and sweet and luscious Her eyes to many pale, to him bright and full stars, Twinkling in that night, the cold and empty night Yet for him, and him alone is her cold warm For him alone warm is her frost sight.
Pics somwhat related... the titles of the moevements are related to the stanzas
Jeremiah Martin
OP has potential for sho.
“Madam! My heart is spellbound, and my eyes merely follow – Forgive my gaze, I am bewitched, no, I am enchanted; by you, dear fairy! Yes, angel, you are enchanting! You pull me closer, hear my heart ring hollow!” “My lord, I am Winter, fell wind, cold snow, just icy chill and frost, What beauty could you see in me? I’m but a blizzard, a storm is me!” “You are my storm, my darling, my wintry dream at any cost I will pursue you, if it finish me!” Long they foretold a fate That at their common sight, Two lovers would not ever hate But be fated and fall in love that night. “My love! My sweet darling boy! If only you could see! I’ll melt away, I’ll disappear, to all others first, and then to thee! “Well, let that be. I’ll find you yet, my sweet, And marry you, though you may turn to sleet!” With joined hands our lovers went, from all else exempt, And of each other breathed and dreamt.
I quite enjoyed your poem. It flows extremely well and was well written While the meter doesn't flow like the previous one. I see what I need to do. I need to use more words to describe the way I feel with more uses
Chase Gray
btw, op, how you like? enough or keep posting? I'll post stanza 5 in a sec
I don't want to hijack the thread or anything. It has 9 stanzas, so just a taste? Or the whole thing? It is a full story, tho
Juan Williams
Im probably going to end up using this because its oh so perfect
Caleb Thompson
sorry just saw this. And yeah, exactly. PArticulary if writing for qt's, "show" how you feel.
Samuel Bailey
Your poem makes you sound so queer But listen well and have no fear Some lines too short and some too long Like your small cock and my huge dong Keep the syllabic count the same And soon you'll fuck your little dame Avoid reusing rhyming words They stink the poem up like turds The rough draft always looks like shit Because you have to edit it Then gaze upon your work of fluff And say "Fuck it, it's good enough."
Lincoln Torres
No keep it going your'e not hijacking the thread. Your'e helping me with creative ideas and giving me more inspiration
Leo Sanders
Truth, thats why I came here for help. Sup Forums tells it like it is
Dylan Bennett
Syllabic count is usually important but not only. k, I'll finish
Colton Gonzalez
Stanza 5
The morn then came, and our lovers woke, As birds too rejoiced at such an embrace, a hold, For as the farmers worked, and with the peasant women sang, Clouds kept them cool, and gave the maiden shade. But as all good things are, this was to die, Not for lack of love, or honor, But it was her time to go and in her rain filled grave to lie.
The brave young man, declared a joyous war Against the other seasons! It would be won, So all declared, for his renown and by his martial heart he sure Would defeat the damp spirit of the Spring and then it’d almost be done; And Summer groaned at his sword though it did burn and scorch, And Autumn too, did fall, as it was dry, burned with fire and torch. In those days his armies went to war, but then! A call to return For she was already melting. So it is the march of time, of all, that is alone most stern.
Slender, fragile, that was she as he saw her now, Not strong and mighty, and yet somehow on his wedding day Her beauty was most perfect, brightly shown, and how! The sweet cold of her angel face, the picture of her folk, the fae, It seemed at every ray of sun she’d faint and fall from light, But she stood strong, the mighty spirit bright, And a necklace of gold, pearls, a sapphire in the light, A ring with his emerald, see the King and Queen of Might!
There are lots of rhyme styles that you should look into with rhyme schemes as follows.
A,A,B,B
A,B,A,B
Ballads are popular for romantic poetry, and most music nowadays.
Adrian Long
Stanza 8. Tbh, I should have warned, it gets a tad tragic... but not really. You'll see, in stanza 9
One more dance for our storied lovers, let them be. Hear them dance. They are now free. Soon it will pass. It will be over. But before it ends, dear friends, let us remember A love that was great in sum and in each member.
A storm of dread and fright controls the night As wild dreams of beast and man combined – Yes, the rider and his horses, Anger, Joy, and Fight, Stomp, crash, drive through the snow and somewhere find – These horses, at one time both black and white – An icy path both dark and bright, filled with danger, one way overcome – Forwards they run, in anger, and in plight, Not for naught, for in their love is might.
A sullen sadness sunk my heart. And tore our two worlds apart. Hers joyous and mine dull, our lives would never be the same. God, poetry is lame.
Henry Torres
I think Im going to break it up into stanzas and take it step by step like you did. Its kinda overwhelming trying to work on the entire thing as a whole while trying to make it perfect
Colton Gutierrez
That's it. Took me several hours of impassioned non stop writing. But yeah, feel free to take ideas, etc. Syllable count is usually important, but not always. Figure our which it is for your poem, and keep writing new poems user! I'm a pretty based redpilled alpha fucker of a male (also russian, as seen by the pics, the subject matter, and the music) but cello & poetry keep me sane bro, and each time I write it gets better.
You have tons of potential user
Austin Lewis
That's a good idea. now get some music on, music that goes with the feels you want to evpke, and take it part by part. Take breaks if you need, and if you are in us, it's probably late at night, so some tea to keep sane. I write at night, but sometimes it gets a little undisciplined, so I read it in the morning before sharing too, and in midday when passion is gone to see if it awakens it within me again. If it does, good poem.
I've only written 3-5 of those sort of poems, though, user. And I have a crapton of poems I've written, at least 100 with similar effort put in.
If you know another language, try translating some poetry sometime later, it will help you as well.
I'ma go sleep (or pick up peeps from airport) but you do you man. Have a good life and G-d bless user.
Thankyou. I used to be a total alpha but after everything thats been going on in my life recently I lost my confidence.
Luke Lopez
She looks away, pretending she hasn't noticed me And waits for a moment to see what she can see sunken eyes and a worn face dull features, mostly in the right place she would never talk to a guy this or get anywhere near or past a kiss why even bother trying if I made something interesting up she'd know I was lying why would she talk to you, I mean, come on "Uh, excuse me user?"
Jeremiah Baker
I dig her body from the earth And filled her with my throbbing girth It mattered not that she was dead She was alive within my head I Soon began to feel unwell Coughing and gagging from the smell I held her closely to my heart Then she began to fall apart Why did I have to lose my love Unanswered prayers to God above Damn the jihadists, damn their bomb Come back to me, I love you mom
Adrian Taylor
lol nice necro poem well written
Henry Robinson
Writing for the sake of writing, fiending attention against spite, despite the loneliness I'm fighting.
Jackson Hall
Her eyes stare blankly, she would not thank me, or even move anxiously. Death, she had met too soon, their song comes on, she forgets the tune, his eyes were green, the same color as the grass, and every woman they'd ever walked past. Jealousy didn't matter to her though, only a lonely walk matters to a widow.
Easton Gray
Just also realized its incestual dont know how i missed that
Jason Harris
The white glow of the screen, the hum of the radiator, the chai,r in which, I lean. No longer bring me joy. The walls are closing in, my cell is no longer home, It's been a month since I've emptied the bin. A pile of papers strewn across the floor, I tell myself don't matter anymore. I stand upon the chair, and find the rope hanging there. They'll find me in due time, one last chance to swing without a care.
I'm messing with a nasty ho I eat that pussy nice and slow When suddenly I hear her grunt She blasts a queef forth from her cunt Smells like a rotting wildebeest My mouth is coated with her yeast My stomach churns, I'm feeling ill Nobody moves, we both stay still With the sudden force of a nuke I fill her pussy with my puke I demand that she go away She screams back "Not until you pay!" Her pimp comes up and gets involved The situation has devolved To my head he presses his gun That's how I met your mother, son
