/swg/ - Screenwriting General

get in here you lazy quitters.

>what haven't you finished yet?
>what are you thinking of writing?
>will anyone finally post something of worth?

find out all the answers and more in today's instalment of reddit general

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docdroid.net/EZsCgu9/lolita.pdf.html
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superman but real

Here's my idea, please give me critique

>it all takes place in a small room
>two kids wake up
>they're both between 7 and 14
>they speak older than they look
>the twist is the camera zooms out and the whole time they've been on a train

what's the point of it though

They've been on a train the whole time.

One of my ideas is heavily inspired by Scorsese, Casino and Wolf of Wall Street specifically, but I don't want to rip him off.

going where?

hows it different?

>going where?

It's never revealed

what do they do on the train?

Instead of gangsters it's high school kids trying to make a buck.

They converse, but you can't hear them

how long is it?

the train?

Have you seen Brick?

So what do we watch? Two kids silently conversing in a room? And then we find out it's a train? How long does this go on for?

If you're taking the style of the movie, rather than the story/subject matter, and telling another story, you're gonna be ripping it off. Just embrace it.

yeah the train

I have not.

Embrace what?

Around 60 metres. An engine car and two room cars.

The timescale is never revealed.

>So what do we watch? Two kids silently conversing in a room? And then we find out it's a train? How long does this go on for?

Stop replying to him. He's obviously trolling you, you idiot.

Maybe check that out. It's a murder mystery movie in a highschool setting where the students all talk like film noir gangsters.

But if the story is not an exact replica then I don't see how sharing a similar setting is ripping off. But you'd have to explain your idea in more detail for anyone to make a hardline call for you.

I've wrote my pilot for a sitcom i'm developing.

Would anyone like to read the script?

It's a standard 20-23 minute single camera sitcom episode.

It's a first draft so it's pretty rough in places, especially for transitions and camera shots.

I'd say my story takes inspiration from those films I mentioned but isn't really a rip off.

I'd say it's like a mix between Wolf of Wall Street, Casino, and Dope.

Just post it

Sorry to say but that idea sounds like complete trash. I would never watch a movie for an unspecified amount of time, especially when it's about something as boring as two children silently communicating with each other. Also what an awful ending. Absolutely nothing about your idea sounded even remotely salvageable. Awful. All of it. I really can't stress enough just how bad I thought it was.

I'm still uncertain about whether to make a script about the legend of a hero or about the legend of the hero or about a legend of the hero or about a legend of a hero.
I'm leaning towards a legend of a hero but a legend of the hero is pretty appealing as well.

I was gonna post it in that post but i'm not sure how to format it, it's in Final Draft 9 but won't let me export as a PDF.

Dunno if you could help with this?

Guess you're just not ready for it.

It's probably a bit too high brow for this forum.

definitely a legend of the hero.

make your own hercules story.

Preposterous.

file->export?

Writing a character that is jealous/always sees the grass being greener on the other side.
I want some humorous flashbacks in his life when he has been jealous.

I am blocked, all I have is:
>As kids: he and his brother get a present each. He looks down at the present in his hands, then at his brothers, envious.

How about he wakes up in a room but the twist is it takes place on a train?

docdroid.net/EZsCgu9/lolita.pdf.html

Okay, just tell me if it doesn't work.

I need to tighten some of the dialogue up punctuationwise, i'm one of the only people who've read it so far so i've written it with only me in mind for the audience.

blah blah blah just lemme know what you like/dislike

he could be like 12 years old and with his gf, he sees hes 16 yr old bro with his gf and she flashes him her tits.

He asks his gf to flash him her tits, but being 12 she naturally refuses.

He dumps her.

Why is the action text all caps?

It's hard to read, into the trash it goes.

Is with an an attractive girl, sees a guy wth an ugly girl and looks jealous?

How about he's taking a piss at a urinal, looks over at another guys dick and looks sad about his own?

I've not used the software before I dunno how to format it

Pretty funny

...

Isn't that how sitcom scripts are formatted? Seinfeld, Friends, Bing Bong Theory screenplays are like that

I don't wanna shit on your parade m8, but you're going about it backwards. You shouldn't say "ive got this premise, now i need actions that happen that fit just right" You should know the character, and what he's like, the type of life he lives and that would dictate his past. The reason you are drawing a blank is because you don't know anything about your character, you haven't thought about it at all. All you said is "jealous dude". That could be anybody, we are all jealous at times. That is a universal trait. You have to wittle it down to what he is like, what he does. If he was a surfer from california, he would not do the same things or be jealous of the same thigns as some redneck from a broken home, in a trailer park. Think about the story you want to tell, and who the protagonist is really gonna be, and from there the actions and scenes will sprout naturally. Don't go about it backwards because you will just end up with a jumbled mess that will not make any sense because it's been patched together from a thousand different things.

>too much swearing
>too many locations
>unnecessary physical descriptions
>too edgy/controversial for a first episode

You capture the mood well and it stays consistent throughout. Your pacing is just right to work on camera also.

I have already plotted, developed and written the entire script with exception of tiny humorous flashback scenes I left out.

I still think the 12 yr old 16 yr old flashing suggestion was pretty good

I came up with it

then with all due respect it probably stinks if you can't come up with anything your character would do tbhfam. Then again what do i know, it might just be the next big thing. you're hired.

Thanks for the feedback, can you elaborate on the physical descriptions?

I'm aware of the too much swearing and edginess, I have another 2 episodes in my mind that are less edgy, part of the problem stems from me writing things that have happened to me (albeit exaggerated in this particular episode)

And as for the locations i don't THINK there's that many, most of them can be done in a studio i think except the outdoor ones obviously.

And as for the pace and mood etc. I try to picture the episode in my head as i'm writing it and when i'm done i like to read it back through out loud playing the parts. others might disagree obviously but i've been told by alot of people that i'm "funny" and i've always been able to make people laugh pretty easily so im trying to play to my strengths, i'm no director so the camera work and such is the main thing that goes over my head. I just wrote it as it was in my mind

I actually did think this, i read a script for peep show and all the actions were all caps.

>Dope

Oh okay but without all the BLM shit right

I mean I loved it but that ending was total fucking garbage.

Also yeah check out Brick like the other guy said.

I would watch it

To add to this a guy i work for is connecting me with someone who's got a pretty good list of writing experience for television, he told me to iron out the script, submit it to him and he'd pass it on

Thank you, is there anything in particular you liked or disliked?

I thought i'd post it on TV so i would get harsh feedback

>then with all due respect it probably stinks if you can't come up with anything your character would do tbhfam
Since it's such a minor part of my script I thought I could see if I could get some interesting or funny ideas here. Please fuck off.

I posted my script in the earlier /fmg/ because I'm finally starting production on it and I don't want to bother y'all with it again (it's the To Be Continued one).

I'm trying to think of something that would necessitate John Woo/Equilibrium style gun shenanigans but I can't think of an actual plot to go with them. Always involves gangsters and shit, which among student filmmakers is INSANELY overdone.

I also have an image in my mind that I can't connect to an actual script so that's fucking useless.

I thought it was funny and had enough laughs to make it work

I didn't really care for the wine parts, and the final line of "You both owe me some dicks"

"it totally wasnt even important bro, that's why i asked for advice, cus i like totally don't give a fuck.."
damn bro chill, i just came at you like that in the first post because most of the time these threads are full of people who legit have no idea how to start writing, and they start just getting together these collages of mismatched scenes that make no sense because they have no actual idea what theyre doing. I was just trying to help someone out. my 2nd post was a joke because you said you actually already wrote the script kiddo, which is great if true. No need to be so mad senpai...someones a little too defensive..

I agree, i don't like the last line i just couldn't think of anything to close with, the ending scene could be reworked entirely.

>Ask if anyone have some interesting suggestions?
>Get a lecture on how to write a script
>Say I have already written the bulk
>Get told It must be shit because I asked for any outside suggestions
>Tell you to fuck off
>Get strawmanned

Fuck off.

I attempted screenwriting recently and it only made me realize how much I lack empathy and life experience.

You've got some punctuation issues, run on sentences, but I think with a little polishing this could be really good. It's a damn funny scenario.

I'd say work on making your dialogue flow a little better, don't have Jessica saying "and stuff". There's a great recurring bit in The Nice Guys that deals with that particular phrase, if you haven't already check it out.

Also this little exchange made me kek.

Thanks man, and i know my writing's a bit sloppy. I'm meeting with my mate next week to tighten it up, and I did see that movie, i used it cause i was trying to capture what a teenage girl would say, so i dunno, i'll think about it.

I think that's one of my favourite bits, or the visual gag when david turns to talk to her and he still has the binoculars on his head, it's hard to visualise from the script but i just like that whole bit in the car, i choose this episode in general since i think it gets the tone of the show across.

Turkish Airlines, dude.

It's really good desu, there are just a few lines that kind of break it, you should rewrite what doesn't feel right, like the "he's basically a paedo now" or "I'm up dad" (it was funny the first time) or "zoom master 10000" "I'll get raped in the shower for weeks", it's not really what is said but how it is said

Yeah that was a great movie but that shit was hamfisted as hell.

Basically, mine is about 3 high school kids who start a business brewing illegal liquor.

Thanks, I'm quite happy with the feedback that you guys are telling me, I'm agreeing with almost all of it.

I actually wrote the entire script in about 2 hours, i'd been forming it in my mind for weeks so mostly knew what I wanted roughly so most of the lines that don't flow or break it up are things that i couldn't think of anything better or thought i'll come to it later.

>what haven't you finished yet?
haven't wrote the final draft for anything, so i haven't finished anything
>what are you thinking of writing?
too much
>will anyone finally post something of worth?
not me