23 year old "manic depressive" with possible PTSD and even more possibly no real friends. Had abusive father growing up...

23 year old "manic depressive" with possible PTSD and even more possibly no real friends. Had abusive father growing up, and the best I ever feel is when I think about murdering him and avenging the trauma he put me through. Often feel suicidal, reaching a point where it feels like it's him or me. Been in a mental hospital, so possessing a gun means felony gun charge on top of murder. Any advice for someone who's experienced sustained abuse as a child? I feel like my karmic responsibility as a man is to kill my own father. Otherwise, I'll spend the rest of my life as a betafag loser wishing I could show my "dad" the pain he caused.

Maybe check back into the ol' crazy house

But why? My pain comes from years of abuse and humiliation, identity crushing trauma and soul sucking parenting. Eye for an eye, mate. This guy tried to ruin my life. Crazy house did me no good, there is a man who has caused my pain and I know where he lives.

Spend 10-20 years in jail and feel free of negative karma or live the rest of my life suffering

An incurable cynic is an individual who should long for death, for life cannot bring him happiness, death might.

How do you take back the manhood that was stolen by your own father?

No, your pain comes from the present every time you think about it now. You have to learn how to deal with truth instead of trying to rid yourself of it. Note you said tried to ruin, so obviously you see some hope in your life.

We all go through stuff. That said your stuff is personal and a more real experience then lets say others peoples. But first remember the world is full of others like you. You should have help and so should the other people who have experienced the same trauma. Best thing is spend your life helping others like you. You will be helping yourself in the process.

maybe you shouldve called dcfs? maybe you should have done something when it was happening? maybe you missed your chance and you should just let it go? maybe you dont realize how much of a pretentious little shitty child you were and thats been an effective way of parenting 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of children since the damn of man? maybe you should look into therapy and getting on with your life instead of wallowing like some beta faggot loser? maybe you should just kill yourself?

good talk, user.

My pain comes from the way my brain works

then end it you whiny fucking cunt. stop listening to my chemical romance or whatever emo faggot shit you grew up with. go fucking kill your dad. or dont. just fuck off with this emo attention whore bullshit. if youre lonely, just fucking talk about shit your interested in. no one gives a fuck about your daddy issues.

Dude
Its not your fault
Its not your fault
Bro
Its not your fault

its entirely his fault. blaming it all on his dad takes away any accountability. if who he is is because of his dad, then every good thing hes capable of doing is because of his dad. if he wants to grow as a person and get some pride and not be a whiny fucking faggot for the rest of his life, he has to man the fuck up, and live his own damn life, not live what he thinks daddy intended.

What am I accountable for? The deep cuts his behavior made in my brain? I've been close to killing myself over the damage within me, what is there to do besides fix this shit somehow

I went through some severe abuse growing up. Used to get my door kicked in at 4am, dragged from my bed by my ankle and made to stand stark naked in the kitchen while my father screamed at me and pounded shots of either Jose cuervo tequila or burnetts vodka from the freezer. Never moved a muscle and never broke eye contact, drove him insane. Used to beat me but stopped when my parents divorced/I got too big to just beat on.

Regardless, I just never took his shit seriously. I always regarded my father as a bitch. Shit got violent a few times and it was clear I had him by 4 inches and 80 pounds so he left me alone mostly after 16. I got a job on swing shift and paid rent after high school, never had to see him. After about 2 years he ended up getting laid off from his job while I was working a ton of overtime. I ended up funding his life and paying his mortgage, letting him drink and party and be an As whole to other people. One morning he decides he wants to bitch at me about not doing chores as I'm about to leave for another 14 hour day. I shouted him down in the driveway, I told him he was worthless as a man, that it was laughable for a grown man to be financially supported by a son that couldn't legally drink, that SOMEONE had to be man enough to pay the bills and be responsible. And then the clincher, I told him he was nothing more than a house nigger, unfit to work the fields. He stared at the ground, I went to work. I broke him that day and his sorrow was delicious. Every night that he was laid off he had dinner hot and ready for me when I came home, regardless of what time it was.

To;Dr it's sweeter to crush them emotionally than to execute them.

>its entirely his fault. blaming it all on his dad takes away any accountability.

You see these are 2 completely unrelated things. Yes, it is possible that excessive blaming of others diminishes accountability for one self, possibly worsening the symtpoms.

But the fact that this might be happening does not lead to the conclusion that the damage done to his brain is his or her own fault, very unlikely so.

Ever hear of iboga or ibogaine
I'm trying to do that to cure myself

OP accept your past, you can't change it. You could spread hate and perpetuate the pain you felt in someone else's life or just get the fuck over it and be a decent person

Good on you that you have gotten past it and mastered your abuser. Unfortunately it is difficult for me to maintain a job and I think the neurological toll of my father's job as a dad has had a lasting damaging effect on my ability to function well in society. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in jail, I just want a Cure. Capital C Cure. Psychiatric drugs don't work, therapy hasn't worked, I'm looking into psychedelic drugs like iboga and ibogaine because I can barely even leave the apartment sometimes because of my self loathing and I've come close to buying a gun and killing myself. I'm just waiting to get through my birthday now, my mom is one of the only people who still loves me and talks to me

I feel like a three year old trapped in a 23 year old's body. That's how it feels

Maybe you should just beat the fuck out of him. Like a really severe beating. He knows he has it coming and won't press charges.

I had a friend that beat his dad almost to death. Fucker deserved it and it made my friend feel better.

Bipolarity (the new name of manic-depressive disorder) is partly in the genes. Which means its very likely your dad is bipolar too. Its also likely he hurt you during his manic periods. Since you experience those yourself you should know very well that people dont think straigth during those, they're almost not themselves; and forgive him since you're exactly the same.

Bro this is the depressive side of bipolarity you should know during those at all times that it always eventually ends and you switch to mania. There's always this light at the end of the depressive tunnel for a bipolar.

"Through vengeance thou art free, child, and thy soul doth feel relief."

- No one in particular

Just be really sneaky about it, track him down and learn his schedule, then subdue him when noone is expecting him to show up somewhere. After torturing him for several hours, kill him. Don't let him see your face unless you plan on killing him, and make sure to not leave any personal effects at the crime scene.
Use simple tools for the torture which do not have especially identifying marks and could have come from anywhere, preferably secondhand.
For bonus points do it when two or three people think you are with them to provide the perfect alibi.
Also make sure there are no security cameras in the area, i suggest to avoid street tracking to go into a mall and change clothes then return to the mall or bar and change back before meeting back up with your friends.

Eh. This

How cute. Now be a man and kill him

Does it really

Yeah, but he means it and will stick by it. He accused me of stealing his gun twice which he misplaced and then threatened to kill me in the same year

If psychedelic drugs don't work I might kill myself because I don't want to end up like him

Right there with you, man. Recent years have been alcoholic, but good to me mentally. Here's to you

third here. weed

You've already lost by admitting he did just that

Haha. Vendetta might fix it

Also leave your phone off and behind you because some of them always track your location, and if the polizi have reason to suspect they can access the location data.
Additionally, if you have a car manufactured after 2004, don't use it because they also track their location. Or remove the electronic components for steering and mileage and replace with mechanical counterparts.

Get serious about living well. Your anger is understandable, and you can use it to help drive toward your goals. It's also a sign that you have started to care about yourself--critical step for becoming who you are.

Become a better human than him. Don't give him another second of control over your life--which he has if you cannot let go of your desire for vengeance.

Get in youtube and watch videos about toxic shame, toxic families, and recovery from abuse. You deserve to go to the good places in life.

Much luck, man. Been to Hell and back myself. Always allow yourself to care about *you.*

Straight up killing him isnt going to make you a man or fix your trauma, it won't do anything other than give you satisfaction at ending whom you believe is the source which I wont argue. However if you go through with some dumbass shit like this you cant expect to get anymore satisfaction or actually attempt to achieve happiness.

Fuck, bro

I suggest you to not take it that seriously. Now, i guess that you have some "stability" in your life and you don't have to worry that much about what you've done or what they've done to you. You should try to focus on your thing/future to progress, and, little by little, achieve to forget whatever your father did to you.

The second option is to hire a personal killer or a hitman with the willing of killing your father. If you've got money you should do it, they are such a professional dudes.

I recommend you to follow the first option tho.