Fapfictions featuring Rhonda from Hey Arnold
Check them out:
>Rhonda and her boytoy force Phoebe into a threesome
cartoon.adult-fanfiction.org
>Rhonda needs money and has to work as a street walker to help her family out (Make sure to leave a review if you want to see a chapter three)
cartoon.adult-fanfiction.org
You can post anonymous reviews without an account needed. Me and my co-author would appreciate it if you did:
cartoon.adult-fanfiction.org
cartoon.adult-fanfiction.org
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Anyone?
countinue
Lerkin 4 a jerkin
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Have you checked out the stories?
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If you're looking for comments, the one story I "read" with Phoebe needs work. Too many adverbs and adjectives for one thing, guessing you're both barely out of high school if not still in it. Amazed two people would work on this and not edit it down 20%.
Stick to the art.
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>Amazed two people would work on this and not edit it down 20%.
Explain
>Me and my co-author would appreciate it if you did
Two people supposedly wrote this, editing should be at least half the work of a story. This does not look edited, there is a ton of text that over-explains and adds nothing to the story, or is otherwise out of place.
Most stories can be reduced 10% through editing, others, like this one, can stand to edited more than normal. It's not even about prose it's just about what the hell it adds or doesn't add to the narrative, and whether it draws the reader in or pushes them out.
Which paragraph and/or sentence would you cut down if you could and why?
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>"You can come out now, loverboy." Setting this all up was a pain to say the least, but it would all be worth it in the end. P.S. 118 had setup a swimming programming at the local city pool. They had an hour per week for each class when the pool wasn't open to the general public. A few kids drown at a local lake and now they could afford to teach them to swim?
"You can come out now, lover" Rhonda teased. Setting this up had been a pain, but it would all be worth it in the end. P.S. 118 started a swimming programming at the city pool, and each class had an hour per week for private swim. A few kids drowned at the lake and now the school could afford safety lessons?
Honestly I wouldn't even include the last sentence, but eh, it's your story, maybe it ties in somewhere. End of the day it all comes down to style.
Alright, which part of the story makes you feel like it was over stuffed with adverbs/adjectives and what would be the best way to avoid it?
But I get what you mean with this - pointless information that could be maybe delivered in a bit of dialogue
Hire an editor, which I'm guessing is outside your budget, or write more and get better at writing. Read a couple books on writing, there's resources all over the internet.
Kudos on what you've accomplished so far, and actively seeking feedback. Just work on your prose/style and consider what you're trying to communicate to the reader.
I'm out
Is there one with Arnold?
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