Haven't seen of these in a while, so fuck it

Haven't seen of these in a while, so fuck it.

D&D stories thread.

I'll go first.

>DM'ing D&D homebrew campaign (3.5 D&D, LoZ, FF, Fire Emblem, etc.)
>Squad playing are friends I've had for 10+ years
>1 friend I have is the typical "where my hug at" raver kid (look up meme to know what I'm talking about)
>He decides he wants to play a Zora dark mage
>I always put this thing called a wishing well in every town (sort of my gimmick every campaign)
>The well works like this; throw an item in, the well asks you what did you lose? Player answers whatever they desire, and depending on a combination of their rolls (1d100) and how valuable the item they threw in will determine how good/bad what they get back is.
>Players don't realize it, but the more they use the well the less the odds are they back anything good; overuse of the well means they can potentially even harm themselves.
>Well refreshes each city/town so no one really catches on
>That is until Zorabro exploits this because of autism
>The squad gets to a royal city and Zorabro has no money to afford good new equips, spells, or items, so he goes to the well.
>Only has 1g to his name, so throws it in the well.
>Zorabro spends about 5 turns wishing for various things like epic level items or epic spells, gets less than 20/100 each time.
>Everyone realizes by now the more he keeps trying the worse/useless shit he gets, so they discourage him to keep trying.
>Zorabro takes a look at me and says "Fuck it" and jumps in the well
>As DM I want to strongly advise against it but squad urges me to let him do this
>I ask, "You again. What did you lose, my child?"
>Zorabro replies, "Make my weakness my biggest strength"
>Have him roll 1d100 just for fuck it sake

>Cont.

Other urls found in this thread:

dandwiki.com/wiki/Pirate_(5e_Class)
dandwiki.com/wiki/Shaman_(5e_Class)
twitter.com/NSFWRedditGif

Oh shit trips

>he rolls 10/100
>smh
>”….C-can I roll again….?”
>Uh sure, this time roll a d20.
>Bro laughing, insisting if he gets 20 I have to let him have whatever he wants
>Fuck it he won’t get 20, agree
>He crit fails 1
>Squad at the table laughing for a good 5 minutes, but fall silent once they realized I haven’t uttered his punishment
>His choice of words were so specific I had no choice
>If you know anything about Zora’s you know they have to live off water, but I tweaked this slightly to allow Zorabro to walk on dry land as long as he keeps himself hydrated by carrying lots of water
>Looking straight into his eyes I tell him, “You lose your ability to swim and water is now poison to you”
>hffw
>Continue the rest of the campaign with Zorabro struggling to survive every session because he needs water to survive but it slowly kills him over time

I've got plenty of other shitty kinda lulzy stories if anyone wants to hear, but by all means, tell me yours, whether they be epic wins, loss, or funny.

That was a nice story

Niice one. Too bad I never played tabletop rpgs ever because only a few know about it in this armit of a country.

Bump

Thanks man.

Honestly, you should try getting some friends in on it. It's amazing what a few days of research and a few bucks for dice can do. You don't need to dump money into manuals, boards, and other things. All you need is a few good friends with decent imagination and a DM willing to put a bit of time and effort into crafting a story. There's plenty of online resources whether it be boards or videos to help in making a campaign.

Holy shit nice picture.

...

Ty. Not my OC, but it was my desktop background for a while.

I love D&D stories. I have wanted [or someone more talented and a better fit in their group] to get in on a CritRole session for a while with a homebrew Shaman or Pirate.

dandwiki.com/wiki/Pirate_(5e_Class)

dandwiki.com/wiki/Shaman_(5e_Class)

Also, bump.

Wow shit nice.

Also since no one is posting I'll post some stories I've saved. (Would write a few more, but watching Castlevania atm)

Whoa noice

K thanks for sharing.

Could you repost this image to the ylyl thread that is currently going on and is not funny?

Maybe you could spurn some interest in this thread by incorporating this into that? I actually laughed.

Also: My 1st DnD experience.

This one's from last night's session (5e).

>be me, lvl 4 sorcerer
>have wizard companion and druid companion
>be sailing to an island for a side quest
>enemy ship approaching
>way bigger than ours
>oh shit.jpg
>IDEA STRIKES
>both the wizard and I have enlarge/reduce
>cast jump on druid and tell him to climb into crow's nest and transform into gorilla
>he jumps toward other ship
>wizard and I cast enlarge on him
>16 ton (minimum) gorilla crashes into enemy ship
>you sunk my battleship
>DM rages
>ggez

Sure, can you link me? I've refreshed the home page several times and haven't seen it yet.

Is that Neverwinter btw?

Jesus Christ that sounds fucking epic

The DM couldn't even speak for ~30 seconds after we described the gorilla going from large to gargantuan mid-air haha

>Click on DnD thread
>See 3rd-5th edition filth
>No 2nd edition advance master races in sight
>Abandon thread

Also, this is a new one.

Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance

Here's another one I got (OP here)

>Be in a friend's D&D 3.5 by the book campaign
>Have shitwizard friend playing a super serious Monk
>First session, we start in a castle, 60 ft high walls
>Shit goes down within the first hour, dragon invades the castle, so all of us are trying to find our way out because nope, lvl 1
>Shitwizard Monkbro decides he wants to jump from the highest point
>"Gonna aim for the bushes"
>DM tells him that the castle walls are 60 ft high
>Monkbro says "Yeah, but I have featherfall"
>DM says featherfall only works for the first 10 ft
>Monkbro says that should be enough and is gonna jump
>Dm sighs
>"Roll a d20"
>Monkbro crit fails on 1
>All of us laugh, DM is visibly angry because this is only the first session
>DM: I'm letting you know that I'll let this slide just once, but a fall from this height would kill you under any other circumstance
>Monkbro featherfalls for 10 feet then immediately slams into the ground
>Breaks every bone in his body, leaving all of us to find him, put him in a wheelbarrel and carry him to the next town as he's talking shit the whole way there

If you have stories from 2nd edition, then share. Otherwise bail and be a faggot. We could all be having fun, but there's no room for elitist D&D pricks like you. (Which I find funny because dungeons and dragons, you fucking nerd.)

posted, thanks bro

I used to DM under a strict by the book 3.5 DM who would visibly show signs of anger whenever we did stupid shit like that,even if the ideas were based.

It was funny for a while, but he started getting stricter and stricter, so most of us dipped.

>be dm
>doing an intro quest because friends first time
>go to bar
> 4 people
> look of pure satanic joy on mages face
> rolls for persuasion to convince one of the people to let him eat them
> fine but you need a twenty
> natural fucking twenty
> little while later he finnishes and the team is still fighting
> does random spell
> kills all 3 of his team mates
> enemy's out of range
> him verses 3 soldiers
> quickly casts extra spell
> fucking fireball
> sets fire to ashitton of ale
> runs
> team burns
End

>Playing pathfinder
>Group is around level 14
>We've somehow time traveled into the past by 10000 years
>We hijack a boat and become pirates! ARR!
>On the rough seas we encounter a lovely call. Half the party and half our crew becomes enchanted by a siren.
>I'm an anti-paladin so I fear our Inquisitor Barbarian who hasn't yet become immune to fear.
>He jumps off the boat, feared, heading towards the sirens call.
>Doesn't want to drop his +3 full plate so he sinks to the bottom of the ocean.
>HE RAGES AND DASHES TO INCREASE HIS SPEED
>MOTHERFUCKER IS GOING 100 MPH UNDERWATER
He ended up running about 2000 feet to get to the shore of the Sirens nest. All while holding his breath.

>be 22
>1st DnD session (5e I know...)
>playing a Lizardfolk Fighter
>buy as many potions, because nethack scarred me for life.
>play super cautious
>DM's not having any of it
>sends sneak attacks while we're split up
>burn one of my 2 super expensive potions that I just insisted that I get before setting out (lvl 2 and poorfag)
>hecCndisappoint.png
>kill more baddies and continue with being super cautious in combat progression
>DM has a surprise in store for me
>open up door in dungeon.
>3qts. cover for sure.
>2 spears lodge themselves in my face and chest.
>'nother potion gone
>SadFrogMeme.jpg
>pick spears out of head and chest and throw them back at baddies layered in the room
>DM gives us a mini boss in said room

this is from a campaign I was in that wrapped up recently, DND 5E
>my awesome sorcerer I was playing dies because he is a cunt and group "accidentally" lets me die
>madness.jpg
> get great idea to have next character be super troll so they regret their decisions
> think long and hard then my edgy weeaboo brain comes up with a great plan
>recreate rock lee from naruto as a monk, same voice and everything
>next session begins and my character is introduced
>in what i have to say is a pretty good mimicry of his actual voice i introduce myself as "I AM ROCK LEE OF THE HIDDEN LEAF VILLAGE"
> audible groans from other members of party
>continue to do the retarded voice all session long

a few of my friends thought it was funny but others got really sick of it really quick.
> FF a few days and we play again
> we come up a bunch of trees that are so close together we can't get past them
> we magic the trees, beat the trees, talk to the trees for hours
> nothing works
>I decide to climb to the top of the trees about 30 feet high
> make it up because monk and dexterous as shit
>see super thick tree tops as far as eye can see
> throw rope down so others can come up
> we decide to walk along the tops of the trees
>mfw feels like fucking naruto
> finally hear a noise from beneath us
> everyone confused as fuck
> i scream" GENJUTSU RELEASE"
>DM pulls me aside
>wtf do you mean by that
> i think theres something playing tricks on my head and im releasing it
>says"holy fuck user, better be ready"
> fall through the trees cause they were never actually there
> rest of party still ontop of trees because of course their characters have no idea where i went and wtf genjutsu release means
>had to fight 4 guys alone but won because good rolls

more?

great thread but no more posters... feelsbadman

thats awesome dude, I wish some of the people I played with could be this ingenious. only like 2 of the people I play with are actually totally into roleplaying and the others are just annoying murderhobos that don't RP at all

Jesus
Damn, that's pretty insane lol
Holy shit
Holy shit down as fuck to hear more

cont...

>Miniboss and baddies mean business for Rogue, Monk, and Fighter.
>Newfags
>continue with careful procedure by hiding behind pillars in the room until I can get movement/attack in same turn.
>they're still throwing spears
>DM: ;)
>rogue and monk tank many hits from lackeys and miniboss
>fighter=tank
>careful.gif
>finally killed the lackeys, while my cohorts are beaten senseless and nearing death
>Miniboss walks up to monk has 3x hits against 15 HP targets
>MFW :{
>I catch up to the fight and wail on the Miniboss from behind
>use everything I can muster.
>teammates get shrek't
>down to me and the DM
>get hit and wishing that my friends were here.
>Lizardfolk AC without armor staves off killing blow.
>1hp and burn action surge
>kill miniboss

Continue?

>have a little group and we're travelling through some now empty Orc dungeons
>or so we thought
>each of our party has a item with a purpose cruical to the DM's storyline
>mine is a Vintage Shield with gems encased in it
>inside one of the gems in the shield, unknown to me at the time is a ring that was put in their to be protected until the rightful heir to the King was found and the King wears the ring
>DM says a blob falls down from the ceiling.
>it's an enemy called Black Pudding
>it has 80 health, any slashing damage splits it in two, and any physical piercing objects get dissolved.
>Black Pudding uses an acid attack and I defend with my shield
>shield gets fucking wrecked, instantly dissolved.
>think fuck it, it wasnt magical i can get another
>ff 15 minutes, I've nearly died twice and this thing is now dead.
>ff next session, we find the heir locked up and DM says user, you know the gems in your shield?
>the one that got destroyed last week?
>what? Oh fuck. Um. Oh fuck.
>DM fucked up his own story, had to make up that it was in another item i had purchased ages ago

Nice.

Have any more stories?

Another Shitwizard Monkbro story

>Same campaign fastforward 4 session later
>Monkbro's character's name is Chess Ironjaw (I will be using this name from now on)
>Bro playing Chess is OBSESSED with finding boots since he got some legit gauntlets in the 2nd sesh
>DM refuses to let bro find boots because his D&D handbook makes no mentions of kicks, so he's afraid to improv moves and abilities that revolve around kicking (Pussy ass DM)
>Bro doesn't let this obsession go, so we got to a royal city
>Chess looks at my character
>"You're either with me or against me"
>niggawut
>Sees a merchant with hard leather boots and wants them
>Tells DM he wants to fight him to loot his boots
>DM tells him he won't win, and if he starts a fight the merchant will alert the royal guard and take him to prison
>Chess fights the merchant anyway, and loses
>The royal guards drag him out into the street and Chess tries to insight a riot under the premise that they are kindapping him to rape him.
>rolls 7/20
>Guards drag him off, and I try fighting them off in order to get Chess to escape, but to no avail
>Chess gets taken away by guards and I yell "CHESS!!!"
>Chess yells back, "GRAB THE FUCKING BOOTS!"
>Chess is in a prison wagon on the way to being executed with another prisoner
>Chess tries to roll for bluff/persuasion to get the other prisoner to shit himself with him in order to get the guards to let them shit somewhere so he can try to escape
>Crit fail 1/20
>Chess ends up pissing and shitting himself and guards expedite to execution
>DM eventually allowed Chess to escape because he didn't want anyone salty he killed him due to the fact we were all hoping he would survive and rooting for him to escape

Please
Nice

Got one more story.

>DM'ing my 1st D&D homebrew
>Base it off Final Fantasy, Legend of Zelda, Fire Emblem, etc, but add a Kingdom Hearts kinda twist to it where they have to visit other worlds and calm calamities there to move on.
>Make a world based off Filthy Frank lore with my own stupid shit
>Party is in a literal shit swamp
>One of my friends is playing a Goron Monk, and he takes the lead through the swamp.
>Ends up falling into quicksand, but instead of sand it's shit, almost drowns
>Party picks him up and immediately after run across a Golgothan (a shit demon)
>All close ranged fighters stay away while the one mage of the group tries killing it with spells to little success
>Shit demon jumps in the air and lands on Goronbro's body, absorbing him into his shit body
>Party immediately decides it's a good idea now to fight close ranged now
>Fight for about 20 minutes and kill the shit demon, revealing that in the process they beat Goronbro half to death saving him

...

Cont...

>in room of "epic" fight
>loot every spear on them
>every spear
>Monk and Rogue sitting around recuperating during short rest
>nethack instincts kick in after finding out room has a magically locked door as the only other way out
>search.jpg
>search.jpg
>find raised platform/bump in the center of the room
>find crates in room
>put crates on the bump/platform
>no dice
>search.jpg
>search.jpg
>sear... you get the picture; I'm not very perceptive (wis dump)
>find lines leading out from the slight platform to the corners, and have an idea
>remove heavy assed crates from the bump/platform
>stack the dead bodies of my completely looted enemies on the bump
>Jasonhackandslash.png
>blood pours out into the crevices, hitting the corners of the room
>Lizardfolkmorals.gif
>door opens with grotesque offering to Wee Jas (a paper we found that named their God after party had searched some more)
>Friends finish short rest and search, finding that the crates were stocked with alot of water jars.
>these guys were attacking caravans (what we were hired to prevent) to get water jars to open up the door
>oops?
>ingenuity I think to use the blood to an evil deity, right?

>still playing autistic rock lee rip
> have mobile feat and monk so literally have a speed of 50
> we are traveling through woods trying to unearth the mystery as to why this town is so fucked up and on the brink of civil war
> group stumbles upon a huge lake
> i have kickass waterwalking moccasins so i go to check it out
> water is kinda murky and i see things moving beneath me
>ohshit.jpeg
> "i sprint back to shore"
> dm says "but user thats over 500 feet"
> im fast as fuck though..
> run my ass off as murky underwater giants fade into the water behind me because i'm running so fast
> finally make it back to shore, shouting " THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE WATER FRIENDS, BE READY FOR A FIGHT!"
>talking like rock lee the entire time
>whole party legit thinks I'm insane for a few seconds
> tfw 2 green dragons come out of the water and attack us
> "DO NOT WORRY FRIENDS I WILL STOP THESE DRAGONS"
>our group has a fucking massive barbarian that isnt very smart named roc
>roc is a goddamn beast tho, 20 in str
> "ROC THROW ME AT THE DRAGONS AND I WILL STOP THEM"
> roc says "roc throw"
>roc has me stand with feet on his hand throws me straight at the dragons
> rolls a nat fucking twenty
> rock lee flies at the dragons at mach 10
> roll a 17 to land but with addons its a 25
> stick the landing like a beast ontop of dragon 2
> punch the shit out of him and then say"I use a ki point to stun the dragon"
> DM's face went blank
>he then begins laughing maniacally
>"user did you just fucking knock the dragon out of the sky with a punch?"
> i mean i guess up to you DM
>he says well yeah you stunned him so his ass is going down, just gotta roll for his landing
>everyones face when he rolls a 1... critical fucking fail
>dragon falls to ground and clips other dragons wings
> both dragons grounded and wounded
> easily win fight
> autism wins the day once again

Damn, fucking nice.

LUL

10/10

This is the time i got tired of doing endurance checks and got myself and epic mount.


>rolling a gnome illusionist
>ultimate troll this are not the droids youre looking for kind of guy
>party has a ravens queen paladin
>super zealous raven queen paladin
>so to complete our quest we have to mingle with undead creatures(talking, info gathering, etc)
>pala goes full retard and says that if we treat undead as friendlys he will kill us all due to his superzealous beliefs
>oh no you wont thinks my gnome whos name is ralph
>prepare through a ritual an ilusion of the raven queen in my orb
>present the orb to the paladin
>the raven queen states that if the paladin doesnt help the party she will personally smite the shit out of the pala and also she tells the pala to be my minion for the rest of the campaing
>DM agrees that the first part is legit but not the minion thing
>ask what if i crit
>if you crit he is not only your minio he will start believing that youre one of the ravens queen misterious manifestations
>roll a 20
>all party is laughing their asses off.
>the paladin is in ecstasy due to the interaction of his godess
>ralph never again did endurance rolls due to be all time on the back of his new minion

another story from a totally different campaign where i was DM
So some back story for this is there is a druid we will call C, a cleric we will call K, a bard we will call E, and a dragonborn monk we will call M.
so M and K are IRL dating eachother(K is a gril and M a dude) and all the people i play with are really good friends of mine
earlier in this campaign a few times E had (using his voice mimicry as a bard) said things to make C think K was coming onto him, without him ever figuring out it wasn't actually K.
this created some one sided sexual tension between the characters that was always funny to DM for and then it came to a head one day after some wild magic occured.
> all the characters are in a realm of wild magic
> literally anything they do I also roll a d100 and apply the effect it correlates to from the wild magic table in sorcerer
> C gets the one that applies reincarnation to you
> asks me how it works and i say" brings you back to life basically"
> says "ok" and just fucking kills himself
> forgot to mention he reincarnates as a different race
> he was human and i rolled and got lightfoot halfling
> character looks at himself and fucking screams
>"WTF AM I"
>asks me if his character knows if reincarnations is still in effect
> tell him it is for a whole minute
> C proceeds to slit his throat over and over again hoping to reincarnate as a human again
> at the end of the minute he is a dragonborn and never got human
> whole group confused by his change of race
>his character is very confused and depressed because he doesnt know what to do now

fast forward like 5 hours in game

> C is talking to M about life as a dragonborn, what are our customs etc
> has no idea wtf dragons do
> asks if his dick still works because he thinks K is prety cute
>everyone caught super off guard
> M replies yeah dude of course it works, human bitches love the dragon dick
> E overhears the entire conversation and hatches a plan to fuck with C immensely

LOL fucking nice
i had to read this a few times because I got confused, but guessing there's more?

> E gets K to go scout ahead, but only he sees her off and doesn't tell anybody
> he then disguises himself as K (with a nat 20 roll btw)
>goes back to M and C as K and says hey guys E went ahead to scout so we should make some camp around this cave
>ok.mp3
> E says "M can you go get us some firewood"
>yeah sure
> E(still disguised as K and disguising voice) says to C "finally we have some alone time"
> E then starts making out with C and he of course goes with it because is under pretense they are close to a thing
> C asks if E wants dragon dick
>E says mm yes fuck me, but do it in my ass (its only a visual thing so obviously still has dick)
> E's character is actually gay so it all makes sense
> C rails E's ass for a bit but then M comes back with fire wood and see's them fucking
> decides fuck it i'll join
> they spitroast E for a while
> really gay fuck session ends
> we were all dying laughing the whole time

cont.

>be me, lol 7 necromancer
>party accidentally reanimates super powerful necromancer and her pet ancient black dragon
>we go chase after her
>meanwhile, necromancer's followers hear about her resurrection and gather together
>We kill the necromancer, dragon flies off
>Find the army of necromancer's
>party has a super convoluted plan of killing their impromptu leader
>Didn't pay attention to their plan, had my own
>Leader was talking to army
>I stroll on the stage
Also worth noting: I had a deal with DM that whenever I crit'd with my whip, whatever I aimed it at became my bitch
>walk up to leader
>pull out whip and lash it at him
>Crit
>instead of him becoming my bitch, he got hit by it and exploded
>played it off like I meant to do that
>turn to army
>"I'm you're leader now"
>cheering intensifies
>party is awestruck
>as first order I send them all to kill the dragon
>they do just that
>decided that having an army of necromancers was too op so I had them all kill themselves as devotion to me

AD&D. 2nd edition CAUSE FUCK YOUR NOOB SHIT.

ok game had been running for over 3 months, we were part of larger army invading neighboring country that supported slavery. many fierce battles later, we are hunting some secret underground resistance fighters in the major city we had taken. we find a hidden necromancer temple hidden within a library. spend half the night slogging through devils blood and demon guts. 1 paladin (lv 9), a fighter (lv 13, go meat sheild) a monk(lv 9, thats me), and a mage (lv 8, thinks shes our leader). after i plow through about 5 zombies solo, the figher and i are suddenly competing for kills. after the raid ends, i collect some of the devils blood. (to try and make some potions later.) but the fighter is proud of our tie in kills and drags me out for drinking. (nothing says a monk cant drink) after a good night though our fighter loses his armor. 2 days pass. cant find his armor. its offical armor. he has to have it. day 3, theres been a killing. big guy in armor of the king X. our guy. all infantry are checked. all armor accounted for, cept our fighter.
"mage, deviation where the killer is."
"fuck you monk, im your superior! besides his armor is like all the others. i couldn't see the forrest for the trees."
* drops flask of devil blood*
"our killer is wearing the armor that was swimming in this blood. the only one our of the legion with us that night. THE BRIGHTEST TREE is the one we shall cut down"

DM leveled me right there on the spot.
*puts on sunglasses*
YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

> we stop playing for the day
> M and K go home and fuck(irl of course)
> M tells me and E the next day "yeah she asked me like twice if i liked fucking her more than i liked fucking E"
>bonerkill.mov
>we play again a few days later and its super awkward because K's character doesn't know everybody thinks they fucked her and they keep making jokes about it but K is super lost
> the person playing K gets increasingly paranoid her boyfriend is actually gay
> K starts devolving into super kinky and M is a pretty vanilla guy but he appreciates the effort
> K asks him if he wants to assfuck her while C fucks her mouth
> M freaks the fuck out and is like bitch you crazy
> M and K break up the next day
> MFW reincarnation and retarded shenanigans destroyed their relationship and probably caused her to develop some weird issues

Why does everyone who plays v.2 D&D claim it's better but have the shittiest stories (or shittiest way of telling them)? :I

You are using the catalog, yes?

Jfc that' some intense D&D xD

Nope. But issue is taken care of.

me, E, and C all agreed that she was a little crazy, but that M probably could have gotten some interesting shit if he kept it going

Man fuck that. I typically don't like playing D&D when people bring their s/o's, but my gf and my bro's gf are pretty cool with everyone, and we're all understanding so they all know weird shit is off limits.

Although, I've had one dude try to seduce my gf's character to the point where I knew he wasn't fucking kidding and we haven't talked since. But that was a one time deal.

we were all bro's and i had known his GF longer than he had so i didn't really care. She was also 100% vanilla for the 7 months they'd been dating but something about that DnD session fucked her up

As a huge fire emblem fanboy, can you elaborate on how your fire emblem games went? Any falchion or manakete shenanigans? Or tomes?

...sorry your half dragon half troll, fighter/mage/thief bull shit isnt as detailed. or your drow samurai/necromancer as epic.

heres a short one.
me thief, (and a trickster as well.) using a ring of invisibility, sneaking through an orc camp. our mage thinks hes going to walk right up to the chief and fireball him in the face. hes a lunatic, throws a bag of flour on the enemy to make the blast worst. so far hes sneaking pretty good, just as we are infront of the chiefs tent, the orc chief steps out. face to face. (the mage is not invisible like me.) rolls the throw. nat 20. BOOMF. flour every where. chief is readying his weapon. mage casts....rolls a 4. nothing. his shit is fucked. or is it. my turn, im by the bonfire. grab hot stick of fire and throw. 18
BOOM.
mage and ranger do the plan, orc chief gets owned. make it out of camp with minimum damage.
DM makes mage roll perception check. so even though my street rat ass saved him. as far as he cares his spell went off as per normal. still no respect to the thief.
utter bullshit.

not bad oldfag

bump for more stories

>be me, Monk
>D&D 3.5
>playing with a spellthief, a warrior, a bard and a ranger
>we get captured by dwarves and put in prison
>no one knows what to do to escape
>we are closely guarded by dwarves
>suddenly idea.jpg
>I have only some chalk and a mask with me
>I draw a circle on the ground and I fake summoning a demon
>they don't buy it
>suddenly another idea
>we were eating some chips (pic related)
>while the dwarves face the other way I put on the mask and I kinda fake being the summoned demon
>start screaming "I AM EL SABOR, GREAT DEITY OF TORTURE AND SADOMASOCHISM, RELEASE ME OR GET TORTURED"
>they roll sense motive
>mfw 1
>they buy it
>I get released and force the dwarf king to release my friends too
>mfw

>el sabor
kek

>playing DnD (cant remember edition) with friendos
>arrive at town, go right to tavern because J, a conjurer mage, is an alcoholic former red wizard
>enter tavern, D is a gnome bard and immediately starts trolling for booty
>im a half orc monk known as the Green Bastard from Parts Unknown, and just wanna fight someone
>our last friend, Z, is a paladin and refuses to engage in our debauchery and sits down with a mug of water
>i find a fight with a human that doesnt like orcs
>roll a 20 and knock him out cold, take his drink
>meanwhile. J is drunk and hitting on barmaid
>J says "hey baby you wanna see a really BIG familiar?!" and casts a spell
>he casts color spray, and rolls to cancel it
>crit fail roll
>he sprays color spray on half the bar and ruins his chances of getting laid
>barmaid slaps him
>MEANWHILE, upstairs two whores come down followed by D, hair all dishoveled and smelling like a fishing boat
>D jumps on the stair banister and tries to ride it down because gnome, but gets to the bottom and smashes his junk on the decorative bit on the banister
>GM then asks D to roll 1-20
>D rolls 19
>bartender waves the gold D owes the whores because he was "entertainment enough"
>Z sitting in the corner the whole time drinking water and pouting

>*puts on sunglasses*
>YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

go fuck yourself

why did he cast color spray?

>why did he cast color spray?
He meant to cast something else, but he was drunk.

Ok, this one is a character so lucky she was considered broken by the group.

>D&D 4e
>Make draconic sorceress.
>For some weird reason, multiclass paladin of Bahamut. Seemed harmless, since both use Cha and Str.
>First battle agains group of goblins
>Shaman goblin decides to focus curse on my character
>Misses
>Misses
>By the end of battle shaman throws staff away and dies flipping sorceress the birds in mad despair

That started a trend

>Only character to survive the whole campaign of the whole group
>Another player decides to make an evil character secretly only to kill sorceress/paladin. Fails and escapes during a supposedly-unwinnable battle without me even noticing that
>Wanting to follow her patron's example, she got powers focused on defense. That means that, by end of campaign her potential defense is higher than Bahamut's standard. On the other hand, while she can hit damage is pretty low.

She is still known by my group as the example of invincible. She is supposedly blessed by Bahamut so much it affected the enemy dices.

oh lmao, that's what i thought but wasn't sure

>at D&d 3e
>wood elf rouge
>angst and edge included
>go to a death temple for a quest with party
>party barbarian,paladin,cleric, and homebrew beast master.
>explore the template and find a man praying
>turns out to be a death champion
>death champion slips away after the fight with him
>explore more , cleric commands me (rouge) to go into the pool of poison
>DM points out that the poison is ment to kill gods
>break out of spell
>returnsthefavor.png
>DM "strength check"
>me 19-1= 18
>him 10 -1 =9
>with my 8 strength I grab his head and dunk it in the pool
> con save nat 20
>DM allows him to live
>we now have a death cleric

>be ralph the gnoe illusionist
>me and my party are inside some kind of temporal and magic distorted dungeon
>facing a semingly unopenable door that is translucid yet solid and screeches like a whore in heat
>party is unable to solve the riddle while i dont give a fuck since i am arcane signing every wall in sight for shits and giggles
>end up giving a fuck by saying i can solve it
>party and master are perplexed since i wasnt paying atention nor making perception/intelligence rolls
>explain logically that in order to go through the door they have to be deaf and blind
>madman they exclaim
>let me show you for i am ralph the arcane locksmith
>minion! put ypur hands in your ears, close your eyes and star singing oh ralph my grand master!
>hop on palys back and do the same hes doing
>pass through the door unharmed with my paly minion singing ralph my grand master
>the party never doubted me ever again when lockpicking anything
>mfw the rogue became a simple scout due to be aparently obsolete when forcing his way into any place with any kind of lock

Just started playing desert whatever game, set in the future, but after apocalype. My first time, decide to be future Samurai(pre apocalypse) who is smart and magyvers the fuck out of shit
>Get emblem and travel to temple
>its a trap, and our robot back up gets fucked up by like 9 skull leck uit wearing cult
>Other guy starts attacking them with my pet ant(rolled myself in blood/pheromones to get pet)
>im still checking out base with still active security system
>roll notice, find console, hack console get 6 on d6
>giant mecha bot starts eating threw all these guys
>dm expected us to run
>nope.jpg
>we get epic loot for destroying the unbeatable ambush(crazy good missiles)
>robot buddy is fucked though
>we escape the ambush outside
>suddenly fat tentacle monster thing is behind us
>am macgyver
>jerry rig missiles
>monster is all kinds of fucked up
>we fight or dine in valhalla
>fuck that nigga up
>roll again for loot get another 6
>get sick samurai sword

Checked
>in a later session with same party
>find an egg
>beast master let's call her bri
>bri gets attached to the egg all motherly
>a figure walks up and asks for the egg.
>paladin let's call him D, sticks up for bri and says no , ingame they are shipped together the hardest
>figure draws bows and hides
>ahshit.jpg
>a range fight against cqc style group
>battle turns into rouge vs rouge
>I'm the only person with range in my party
> get the rouge down to a quarter health
>she calls for her chimera, and gets on ready to leave
>party says get your ass back here
>I sneak on the chimera as stealthy as can be with a 26
>chimera starts to fly away
>bri tells her bear to throw D at the chimera
>nat 20
>7 foot dragon born paladin flying towards the enemy, misses the landing
>I save him by grabbing him out of mid flight and anchoring us to the chimera
>he's too heavy to hold
>we're now 20 feet up so I won't feel bad dropping him
>let him go while the rest of the party try to find a way up to help me fight her
>I'm not fighting the rouge any more now I'm trying to kill the chimera
>I'm take my shortsword and sink it into the hide of the beast, the proceed to curb stomp the shit out of the handle to deal damage while trying not to fall of
>D used a javelin with chain on it to try to climb up to kill the beast
> barb is first to climb up and start hacking away, the comes bri
>the enemy rouge jumps of the beast, trying to kill herself, because surprise she's a death champion.
>we stop the session to calculate how fast she is falling and who can do what, 3 turn
>I'm next so I jump after trying to grapple her and protect her from fatal fall damage
>bear is next being the soft cushion for landing
>rouge makes it with 6 hp and I take 17 damage at 56 so I'm good
>barb lands the killing blow on the chimera, it drops straight down
>I use reaction to so I take the full brunt of the damage
>enemy rouge at 1hp, me I'm at 45,D walks up and kills her.

>all that shit for an egg.