We write Clerks 3 line by line

Randal wakes up to take his daily prescription pain killers

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He accidentally swallows cyanide instead and collapses, dead

The movie ends

Now in the afterlife, Randal is faced by God and God asks him if he lived a full life

Which one did you prefer, The Force Awakens or Rogue One?

And Randal reminiscences back to 2010 inside the Quick Stop when Dante and him had a dispute over selling cigerrettes to underage kids

THIRTY EIGHT DICKS? AS IF 37 WASNT ENOUGH?

Dante looks at himself in a mirror [the reflection is not shown, it is a static medium shot of his head and shoulders]

"If their age is on the clock they're old enough to do as they please, who am I to bat an eye if some prepubescent shitnosed kid wants to be a complete screw up like me"

Suddenly the universe ends. There is only infinite, soundless, black void. Nothing left. Forever.

End.

We are then introduced to Randall's transsexual girlfriend.

>If their age is on the clock

I never got this phrase, it should be if their age isn't on the clock

says... Randal, I guess

>So a fat woman came into the store today

And then an electrical wave of energy explodes triggering the big bang with a fast forward montage of 15 billion years to a 36 year old Hindu Randal discussing why Star Trekk is better then the Game of Thrones to a Hindu Dante

Randal kisses Dante

Fuck off Kevin. We won't write your movie for you.

73 blowjobs

Why the fuck do people like these movies?

Randall says directly to camera.

Jay and Silent Bob appear for no reason other than obligatory cameos and Jason Mewes needs a paycut badly.

JAY: Snoogie...boogies? I forgot what the stupid fucking catchphrase was.

Suddenly Jay is confronted by a wild boar or Jesus Christ or something equally fucking stupid.

JAY: Holy shit my silent buddy, the fuck is that?

Silent Bob says nothing. Jay gets raped.

Rape scene accompanied by Chewbacca by Supernova.

90 minutes into the movie Silent Bob turns to the camera, the music and background noise all quiets down, and he gives a long monologue on how there's literally nothing wrong with being a cuck and all white men need to apologize personally to Hillary Clinton.

Randal: What are you? A cuck?
Dante: Stop it.
Dante: I'm bringing it back.

>Dante starts doing a gamer channel on Youtube and Randal mocks him for it online
>He wonders at what point his life started to move in a downward spiral

>lol dante's inferno guys
>lol christianity and jesus guys
>omg lol religion is so easy to take the piss out of rofl these movies write themselves *climbs into tent shorts*

Olaf goes berserker during some sex making

Suddenly Dante gets shot

youtube.com/watch?v=ERDGH7SpzZ8

At this point I would want them to make it a campy flick that takes place in the 90's with every 90's trope imaginable crammed in there, and everyone has a flannel shirt tied around their waists.