Drunk stories thread

Drunk stories thread.

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kptv.com/story/35882835/police-82nd-street-bar-grill-robbers-arrested-in-southern-california-se-portland
twitter.com/SFWRedditImages

You gonna... post something there, OP?

My story:
>get drunk
>walk up to girl from work at the same party
>"can I touch you ears?"
>"what?"
>"s-sowry, I meent eass"
>"perv!"
>she slapped me
>I puked in her purse
>escorted away by police

Nothing fancy.
Nothing too much.
My life is boring.

Rick and Morty is for faggots.

I actually have never been properly drunk
I drink a bottle of tequila and nothing happens so i want to hear the kinds of stories i should live sober.

shut it brown kid..... its for sophisticated atheists such as myself...

Hahaha holy cringe

Oh hell fucking yes have I got some stories for you.

Quick context: I'm a high-functioning alcoholic and when I drink with friends I literally drink more than everybody else combined on a regular basis.

Let's do this!

> friend's birthday
> we go drinking
> I was already drunk when I got there
> kept drinking even while everyone else was just walking to places
> run into a hot coworker
> alpha mode = activate
> strut over to her
> ask her what she's doing that weekend
> she says doing shit but why do I ask
> I say we should get drinks sometime
> actually get her number
> so hammered I actually thought saying this was a good idea
> "we should hook up"
> when I get drunk I say things over and over until someone reacts so I said it two or three times
> strut back to group of friends feeling alpha as fuck
> she calls my sister laughing, hear about it from her the next day
> still haven't banged her

I have more stories from that night if anyone's interested.

/thred

Go on dude, go on

Oh boy, here's the night I lost my virginity.

> get qt 3.14's number
> we hang out around my hometown
> go to a bar (yeah, I was a late bloomer, legal drinking age when I lost it, shut up)
> I drink an entire pitcher of beer
> she drank maybe half a sleeve, I finished it for her
> kiss her outside the bar
> one of the most beautful moments of my life tbh
> we go back to my place
> too drunk to get it up
> still get it in somehow
> literally, in my mind, narrating this because I'm also a high-functioning autismo
> we finally give up on me finishing, I fingerblast her to orgasm, and we cuddle and fall asleep together

I'll keep going as long as people show interest.

>Be me
>Drink
>Drive
>Get caught
>Have to pay lots of money and deal with a lot of stress
Don't do it bros

High functioning Autismo

The best high functioning of them all

Don't drink and drive.

Here we go
> at party drinking with some buds
> took like 3 tabs of acid
> girl walks over
> starts rubbing on me
> "im not wearing any underwear" she whispers while she puts her hand down my pants
> starts making out
> uh muh duck
> I'm as hard as AR500 body armor
> I put my hand up her skirt
> finger blasting her like jimmy neutron
> feel some object in here so I pull it out
> I take my hand out and look down to find $3.50
> then I realized that I wasn't getting with a girl but a loch nest monster
> "damn loch nest monster"
> wake up next morning and I'm actually missing $3.50

> drinking an driving

Even I've never done that and I've offered to let friends fuck me in the ass for money when I'm drunk (I'm a straight male)

Speaking of which

> friend's birthday
> plastered
> everyone else is more or less sober
> they literally took my alcohol away because I would not stop drinking
> generic discussion going on
> someone brings up Pope Francis for some reason
> "Fuck Pope Francis! 'Fuck me in the ass, Muhammad! Fuck me in the ass, muhammad!'" I scream while pointing at my own asshole and bending over. "Fuck Pope Francis! I hate that old bastard!"

Rick and Morty is trash

Forgot to attach a Simon Pegg photo.

I think I'll crack open a beer right now while I think of the next story to share.

> drunk at work
> in change room psyching myself up to pretend I'm sober when I clock in
> owner walks in
> beer hanging on my breath in this enclosed space, say "good afternoon, sir!"
> he walks into the bathroom, telling me not to call him sir
> I think I got away with it because I never got fired
> go drink more on my break to celebrate

>Falls for less than regurgitated dog shit tier bait

Grow up

Why don't you by stopping watching a show meant for the edgiest of 12 year olds and people who have never heard a good joke in their life. A show who's fandom just spews randoms quotes at each others like niggers throwing shit in a zoo.

Wow, mature much?

Holy hell, man, it's a fucking cartoon. It's got some funny moments, not everyone watches it for muh cheerful nihilism. If you're getting offended by people watching it you're as bad as the people saying it's all deep and meaningful.

Stop it. This is a thread for drunk stories. Start your own thread if you're going to argue.

>It's got some funny moments
You're and autist if you think that
>If you're getting offended by people watching it you're as bad as the people saying it's all deep and meaningful
No, I'm just annoyed by it's fandom infesting every site on the web and constantly pushing this show like it's the best thing ever made
>Stop it. This is a thread for drunk stories. Start your own thread if you're going to argue.
No one gives a fuck about your thread and it would have died without the argument

>high school
>rich kid's neighbor goes to jail so their house is unoccupied
>kid decides to throw massive parties there. His mom has dementia so she kept giving him 20s for lunch money until he could afford a full bar for the parties

Party #1

>the basement is the cool hang out spot
>i black out and wake up alone in the basement puking everywhere
>wake up in the morning to kids squeegeeing my vomit around the tile floor
>every party after that had a padlock on the basement door because they could never successfully clean up my puke

Party #2

>make food runs for rich kid so he'll forgive me for defiling an entire floor of his party space
>join smoking session upstairs, like 10 kids in a walk-in wardrobe blasting biggie and smoking blunts
>mixed alcohol and weed for the first time and shortly after was envisioning the fiery gates of hell as the universe spun circles around me and I begged for the sweet embrace of death.

There were 3-4 more parties after that, but on the morning of the last one somebody left the door open and a police cruiser noticed it and busted him. On another note, one of the rooms in that house had several filing cabinets absolutely FULL of transcribed court dialogue from the Major League Baseball steroid busts with Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire. I read some of them drunk as fuck and realized the owner of the house must have been an attorney for that case.

How do you even remember the stuff you did man? I'm too autismo to make moves on women sober but when I get blackout drunk I manage somehow. It's anoying though cause I'm gettting older and the hangovers are a killer now.

Oh, I have an extremely good memory, and I've only ever gotten blacked out once.

Here's that story:
> drinking with friends
> massive bottle of vodka (I think it's called a 50, whatever the size that's bigger than a two-six)
> we have a big bottle of root beer for chase
> we're all shittered
> I'm so drunk I can't walk in a straight line
> buddy who bought the vodka pours what's left into the root beer and tosses it in a bush
> fuck if I'm letting it get wasted
> bottle is about half full of vodka/root beer mixture, probably enough vodka in there to get me drunk all over again
> literally crawl to the bush
> chug that fucker
> stumble back to group
> piss on self
> blackness
> throwing up on a playground
> blackness
> throwing up in the middle of the road
> blackness
> throwing up at buddy's house
> blackness
> wake up hungover

I would need to be trying to black out again is my point.

We, love you.

kek

> scheduled to work NYE
> get hammered at a party beforehand, go to work
> hit on hot coworker (a different one)
> have to work with boss directly
> think I'm doing a good job hiding it
> talking to said hot coworker a few days later
> she says our boss was complaining to her about how drunk I was
> never got reprimanded though

Good times.

you'd better get your own attourney ready after they test the d.n.a of the puke to see who else they can bust for trespassing there . maybye they don't have you'r d.n.a sample yet but if you get arrested in future and they take it from a swab you may get stung with extra charges . get your story straight . protip deny knowing you were trespassing

>>i black out and wake up alone in the basement puking everywhere

i read that as "I black up" , I was imagining you doing a blackface minstrel impression for a minute . party hard user .

heres my story
>>get invited to party , its in the campsite
>>give small vodka bottle to friend who's birthday it is
>>he drinks some straight , gets tipsy , i'm still sober
>>go for beer run , somehow he ends up riding on the roof of my car because he's on a hype just while we are in the camping area
>>he falls off roof
>>falls on hip , vodka bottle was in pocket , it smashes
>>big cut and no vodka , he thinks its funny ,
>>we get more and have a blast , get drunk and have a fire .

> test the DNA of the puke

How drunk are you? What are you drinking right now? If the puke is more than a few days old and if people were trying to clean it up there's no fucking way they get anything useful off of it. Quit being paranoid.

> get drunk at family reunion
> make brother watch Quentin Tarantino films with me
> spend whole time talking about how awesome Tarantino's films are
> actually wound up being a nice bonding experience even if he didn't drink at all

I have one that I still think about time to time.

>be me on new years eve at a friend's house
>it is a small party only 5 people there
>start drinking heavily and get very drunk
>getting fuck me eyes by girl across the room
>her friend comes over and says "she wants you user"
>never have sex before in my life
>cut to her on top of me naked ready to go
>dick flaccid because I was too drunk to think straight
>she sees my very small dick and laughs and walks out of the room

To this day I push away interested women because I don't want to experience that type of humiliation again.

Youre overthinking things, just come off confident and youll be set and if that doesnt work just think about pleasing yourself

Damn, man.

For what it's worth

was my story. It gets better. Just don't do it drunk and make sure you're relaxed as possible when it happens.

> pleasing others is the key to pleasing oneself
> -- Raymond Reddington

This nigger is right. Viva the big bang theory.

Amen. How i met your mother is the bomb.

bazinga.

>straight male
>offered to let friends fuck me in the ass for money when I'm drunk
Pick one.

Kek

> for money

I can have both.

I'll do one more story to see if this thread can be saved.

> go to friend's party
> get drunk
> go on big speech about this girl he and I know and how I'm so in love with her
> I wasn't but I felt like I was in the moment
> try to fuck a fat girl
> fail
> recite navy seals copypasta at some girl who dissed my darts playing skills
> call fat kid a dog fucking degenerate
> stumble home a few hours later

I have more stories from that night.

>be me
>have work in 13 hours
>decide to drink
>polish off almost a handle of vodka
>black out hardcore
>wake up
>work clothes are on the ground, covered in piss
>an uncooked box of mac and cheese is in the microwave
>I call in sick

Rick and Morty xD

fucking drinking man
>Stationed in korea as usarmy blackhawk mechanic
>drinky bars right outside gate where there are 10-15 girls in bikinis every where
>get smashed 3-4 nights a week
>small filipino girl comes over to try and ply me into buying her 20$ juicy drink so she can sit with me
>get 4 rounds of tequila shots with bro and make her 80 pound ass take 3 shots
>shes wearing a cocktail dress and cute panties that i slip off while i have my whole fucking arm up her dress.
>stand her up while im sitting at the table facing a pool table watching the front door and start fucking her brains out while watching for MPs to bust me.
>shoot all over the floor and stuff condom in empty beer bottle and keep the panties.
>she tries to talk to me a few days later about marriage
>laugh.

Uh oh, I'm detecting edge...

Naw that's ok. That shit was vanilla enough, you don't need to add the ice. We'll be ok.

>> too drunk to get it up
>> still get it in somehow

>Be me
>Be a loser like the rest of you
>Be playing vidya
>Crack open a bottle of vodka to take a shot every time I would die in the game in hopes of dying in real life
>Get in a online match with some moderator of the game company
>Trash talk the entire game because we were destroying them
>Gets banned after
Boring but hey it's a story

You fucking kek'd your own post didn't you...

you caught me

Get the fuck out of here Justin

I did that once, ended up paying a shitload of money and a breathalyzer installed in the car

I honestly am not sure what you're trying to say to me, but I'll share more stories.

> go to bowling alley with friends
> already drunk
> bowling alley has a bar
> drink every moment when it's not my turn
> drink beer during my turns
> there are kids playing in adjacent alleys
> don't give a fuck
> get so drunk I start requesting Taylor Swift songs on the radio playing
> sing along to them
> nobody else so much as drank a beer

I haven't spoken to any of them since.

>Be me, 31 (two years ago), going to meet my 22 year old girlfriend's family by staying with her mom for the holidays.
>Deal with incredibly awkward family shit for like 36 solid hours
>the two of you escape the night before christmas eve, go party with her friends who still live in her home town.
>get smashed in her best friend's apartment while playing Magic the Gathering (badly) with said best friend, wake up puking in the bathtub.

I married that girl. No idea how it happened, but it's pretty cool.

> Get drunk of beer in the town
> super paranoid of police (we were young fags)
> see police officer
> pants shitting inbound
> run
> friends running too
> caught by police
> tell everyone to be smooth, can't prove anything if we're calm and collected
> Literally have a fucking beer box on my head talking to police and claim I'm not drunk
> Me and friends look at each other and run
> "Fucking coolest shit ever bro"
> 10 minutes of running later we find a street performer
>crash her set, start singing Wonderwall by Oasis, and other shit of the sort
>arrested by 5 police officers mid performance
> we were only 15/16 at the time, New Zealand is much more relaxed on drinking
> all of us are taken to the police station
> all blame is placed on me, others fags tried to say we were brothers
> Massive parent roll

This fucking experience is the reason I'm sober to this day.

Me again, plenty more stories of my times as a young stallion and alcoholic

>be 16
>trying to buy bag of weed
>go to friend who has brother who deals
>she has me drive her to brother's place
>borrowed grandpa's car to run these errands
>told gramps i'm going to the store to get a salad
>brother says i need to deliver a dog across town
>put dog in the car
>2 white trash whores go with me
>they are smoking and drinking while we drive
>my friend friend is in the back seat totally anxious about it all
>deliver dog
>get back to his place
>ask about that weed
>he tells me to have a drink
>start drinking shitty bud light
>have lots of shitty bud light
>am only 16 got pretty drunk
>he breaks out a plate and starts chopping lines of coke
>offers me coke for free
>free cocaine is free cocaine
>why not
>do coke, drink more beer
>ask for a 60 bag
>get a handful of shit tier brick weed
>no scales, just a handful of leaves and sticks and seeds
>no bag, just handful of shake
>big guy sits in my lap and shotguns a 6 pack of bud into my mouth
>throw up a little beer foam on myself
>fight breaks out
>refrigerator gets knocked over
>party is over
>everybody go home
>have to drive
>drive friend home he is scared
>drove home on country roads with line going down the middle of the car
>thankfully there were two lanes on most of the roads
>swerving like crazy man
>drive to grandpa's house to drop off car
>grandma is piiiiiisssed
>writes me out of the will
>lose quarter of a million dollars because of this night
>got high for a weekend tho

That was a crazy fucking night.

>be me in my 30s
>wife quits job
>she's super sad
>go to the bar to get her a drink
>bar is closing after a few drinks
>eating french fries
>armed robbers come in and everybody is on the ground
>look around at people on the ground
>am drunk
>ask people if this is a robbery
>am told yes
>ask people on the ground if i should join them
>am told yes
>discreetly hide wallet in sock because rent money is in there
>hide wife's purse under table
>eat french fry
>am nearing emotional rock bottom
>gonna shoot me just do it
>eat another fry
>wife tells me to get on the ground
>get on the ground
>robbery goes easy, they only took bar money
>no people get robbed
>bar was my bar i know everybody
>help clean the bar
>step outside for a smoke while police question people
>other bar patron gets in car
>tries to drive away
>hits parked police car
>only drunk bar buddies are witnesses
>ask him if any cops saw
>cops didn't see
>we didn't see shit, drive away nigga!

That was just like a week ago. They caught the robbers.

kptv.com/story/35882835/police-82nd-street-bar-grill-robbers-arrested-in-southern-california-se-portland

Yay! Justice. nice story.

I'm fuck crying from laughing at test the dna for puke. Gold.

Should of finger blasted her like that other dude. maybe you would of got hard It works for me usually.

Thanks, it was a crazy night.

I am just astounded at my sheer obliviousness..everybody was on the ground and the bar tender was crying and one of the dudes had a knife to her throat and all I can think is: "is this a performance piece? these fries are good."

everyone around me knew what was up, but I just didn't consider it could happen.

>I'm a high-functioning alcoholic
You can't tell drunk stories if your life consists of being drunk.
It's just your standard mode. That's like me telling sober fuck up stories.

Alright fuckk it.
> Be me
>26 still live it at home with mom
>Borrow car to hit up the the bar
>Start chatting up some 34 year old milf and 40something year old friend
> Getting pretty drunk we start chatting with some black guys and they got weed
>She offers xanax but I'm already fucked up
>Smoke and get a little high
>milf starts getting belligerent and acting a fool
>I dont care and drink moar
>closing time and and she invites me and the black guys to their house
>i got a help this drunk ass get up from pissing on the side of the bar
>Her friend speeds off I follow and we leave the black guys
>arrive there and get to their bed
>I tell them both to get naked and they do
>start fucking but the younger one dosn't want it because I'm not cumming fast
>milfs son says have fun
>milfs daughter comes and and says she's hungry, she yells to go to bed but I keep going
>i fuck the other one and but a nut
> i lay down untill 6am
>leave without getting their number because I don't wanna wake them
>Go to store get a twelve pack and go home
>mom yells at me for being out all night
>worth it

I have many, but one consists of me bringing a tent earlier and pitching it near the bonfire area because I was set on getting absolutely piss drunk that night. So everyone shows up and there's this really cute gril there with her friends and for some reason this girl wants to fuck me. We end up drunkenly trying to fuck in the tent but that didn't work and people collapsed it. I don't remember much else besides besides stumbling out of the tent with just pants on and drinking a liter of vodka and a bunch of beer. Don't remember leaving but apparently I backed into this big dude's car and we were going to fight. When I woke up in the morning I was in my truck somewhere I'd never been in someone's driveway with the turn signal switch ripped out and hanging by a wire and some blood on my hoodie and hand. This old guy wakes me up and says he has to get out of his driveway lol. So I try to start my truck and I guess I had passed out with the headlights on because the battery was dead.... So then the old guy gives me a jump, tells me to not come back or he'll call the cops, and I still-drunkenly found my way home. After that I pretty much stopped drinking liquor at parties because stuff like this would happen almost every time

>be me, 2015
>down pub with my only friend
>drinking pint after pint of cheapest lager
>talking loudly about video games and shit
>rest of pub is old men that hate us
>also a couple girls by the bar
>they look at us like fucking degenerates
>old men loudly talking shit about us
>"there's girls over there and they're sitting there talking about fucking video games"
>kinda drunk but still hurts
>friend and I realise how beta and autistic we are
>vibe killed
>quietly finish our drinks and leave
>walk home in silence
>don't go down the pub anymore
>friend gets busted for cp not long after that
>hangs himself
>mfw

I just drink at home by myself now.

the son said that before we went to bedrrom(edit)

Oh but the girl's friend did give me her number and we started fucking on the reg, so that was good

Yeah not to mention that story is 8 years old lol.

> recite navy seals copypasta at some girl who dissed my darts playing skills