ITT: only the cringiest RYM reviews
>I was walking down the street a few weeks ago in a bad part of town. I was wearing my Spiderland t-shirt. Everyone looked at me and thought "damn. that guy's wearing a Slint t-shirt. he must be listening to some heavy shit."
>Little did they know, I was listening to Lemonade.
>And yes, I did feel like a badass.
Other urls found in this thread:
rateyourmusic.com
rateyourmusic.com
twitter.com
wtf is that real
>posting from phone
>reddit spacing
yuck
This guy seriously needs to delete this
Fuck qwerty100
>So... this Aaron Funk character visited Budapest (which btw Charlize Theron thinks is in Turkey) and he decided to do a musical story of how a PIGEON visited it as a tourist. Did I get that right?
>Did he sight-see Hungary in a balloon? A zeppelin? I'm trying to figure out what makes him an expert on bird tourism.
>OK, so Aaron can't fly but he likes pigeons. Fine. I do too. So far so good. So is the music boring because he "hired" his pigeon friends to write it? Coz they pooped on the master tapes by accident? Did these goofy pigeons walk all over his Casio keyboard and cause all these excessive rhythm machine sounds to be layered over the fairly mellow music? Like hiring Dave Lombardo to play drum-rolls over Justin Bieber songs.
>Just how the bloody f*** do you justify layering what is basically average movie-soundtrack music with mega-complex, noisy techno beats? It sounds DUMB. These beats do absolutely zip to amplify the tunes - which are anyway quite forgettable.
>It's like combining catchup with chocolate and thinking its clever, the height of ingenuity. No, it's just silly.
>Breakcore, drill and bass, they call it. No. It's catchup and chocolate music. It's knob-fiddler music. It's I'm-such-an-extraordinary-artist-check-out-my-magical-pigeon-journey music.
Also if you want more cringe read his profile.
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[bad]
Literally every single person on rym has autism
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He is right
Someone post the emotionally disturbed og Raver guy
(You)
10 bucks this guy posts on daily and is underage
>one day you'll go to egypt. You'll expect the sphinx to be bigger than it really is
Makes you think
Are you ready to get infuriated?
>marsbars
I'll go even further - 10 bucks he has ABBA, the Beatles or the Beach Boys in his 5 star album list.
>Not reading
I'd imagine why. I ended up responding to him and oh, boy, was his reply truly something.
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Here's another "review" that needs to be deleted.
rateyourmusic.com
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And in the same breath, there's something like this.
And another one.
I mean are you expecting professional criticism on rym?
Not at all, just comedy.
And of course, Kenny G gets a 5 star rating. Are these people even self aware?
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Come on, give. What are his 5 star albums?
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REALLY makes me wonder whos opionions he is parroting
It's another one of those Scaruffi copycats. It's either that or ABBA, the Beach Boys and the Beatles.
>Just Bieber is, at his core, a poet.
I couldn't make it any further.
It's obviously satire. Y'all have autism
You can never be sure, especially on RYM.
Yes you can. Even on RYM.
That just settles it then.
can someone post the review that compare an album to taking the virginity of a teen girl.
>You can make the obvious comparisons to Brian Eno and Tangerine Dream here, but I don't think either of those legendary producers could ever see themselves be out beat by an early 20-something Acid Techno kid from Cornwall.
Oh, boy.
someone post the one where the dude is just talking about how he went on a walk once and really enjoyed it and mentions the album like twice in a 4-5 paragraph review.
All of them
This guy sounds like a bitter fag. Fuck him
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>it's too long to screenshot it
"A two note bass pulse.
A crystalline guitar sample.
Synthesizer washes.
A growing sense of unease.
The guitar shimmers but it darts from side to side.
The bass remains insistent.
There aren't any drums, but there's a beat.
Why do I feel like I'm being followed?
That guitar sample is doing weird things to my brain.
The bass fades.
Somehow the beat remains.
The same elements
arranged in a different configuration
The two pieces are related yet undeniably separate.
Some voices.
This is what house music sounds like
to people who hate big sounds
and tune them out
It's simple
It's complicated
It's both
You're too focused on the big picture
to work out the components of it
You're too focused on the components
to get the big picture
You're listening to it wrong!
You're supposed to dance!
You're listening to it wrong!
You don't have headphones on
and you're not in front of a computer
wondering what to say
Stop intellectualizing dance music
that's intellectual.
Think of it another way
("Phylyps Trak" was a study
in abrasion
and out-of-sync elements converging.
"Lyot Rmx" was an exercise
in re-contextualizing big and dark
into subtle and relaxing.)
"Q1.1" was the positive image.
"Quadrant Dub" is its negative.
Space in place of traditional elements
Cavernous echos in the place of drums
The sound of a rave a mile away
Essentially a crowd pleaser
for an empty dance hall.
You're listening to his rightwrong
There is no no rightwrong way to
enjoy this
interpret this
In 36 minutes
it creates infinity.
I believe that echos never stop
that we are surrounded by them always
and they're too faint to hear
This sounds like a recorded echo
Nothing actually happened
while the boards were turned on
This is the remnants
of what was played two hours earlier
three days earlier
last year.
It's only music because you see it as such.
It's only music because everything is
(a recorded echo)
music.
When I listen to this
I actively wish it was darker outside."
anything by this guy
rateyourmusic.com
This was some attempt at humor, wasn't it?
it's that weird "i am smart :)" front page of reddit-esque humor
the way he describes the album shows that he knows absolutely nothing about jazz or the context of that album
This was on a movie review but it still sucks.
>3) This is not what anyone in either their 'right mind', nor predominantly dependent upon their left-hemisphere, would/should call 'great (even IF necessarily) music'.
>Hence I can give this artifact of post-modernistic 'un-music' merely a neutral rating of 2.5 at best--and no worse. I gave it at least 4 chances many years ago, & I've never missed it yet since.
It's like he's describing Back Street Boys, Nicki Minaj or any number of similar manufactured breeds. And he's actually serious with this, isn't he?
Damn
I was expecting your basic cringe shit but that's pretty relatable.
Fuck my life
I think it's the "wake up sheeple" tone of his reviews + awful writing that makes him so bad.
>*stringy strangy suck my wangy*
That's actually fucking great
Brian Eno is shit
Have a (You) on me.
If you're 8, sure, it's hilarious.
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Here's another gem of his.
>calling people nerds
>reviews albums on RYM
YOU ONLY LIKE ME WHEN YOU THINK I'M LOOKING SAD
First, I want to give a shoutout to Hot Opinions for encouraging me to write more reviews.
Alright, Art Angels... where to begin...
Grimes is a multi-instrumentalist, producer, and electronic pop artist born in Vancouver and currently based in Montreal. Known for her eccentric sensibilities, Grimes took lo-fi bedroom pop and pushed it to its limit with her first 3 records produced through Garageband. On Art Angels, however, we see Grimes going in quite a different artistic direction. Garageband is replaced by Ableton. The reverb-soaked lo-fi synth loops are replaced by bombastic, carefully-layered, explosive synths that show off her Kyary Pamyu Pamyu influence. On top of that, an instrumentation that Grimes hasn't dabbled with up until this point is put on display, including guitar (both electric and acoustic) and violin. The level of ambition, risk-taking and passion that's present in this project is apparent, whether you enjoy the content or not.
As for the content, let's get into it. The lushness of the introductory track, "Laughing and Not Being Normal", completely took me off guard due to what I was used to hearing from her but, taking the singles that lead up to the release into account, I knew to expect something different. "California" kicks off right afterwards with Grimes expressing her disdain for publications such as Pitchfork and indie bloggers (ironic considering I'm typing this) for how they've boxed her in artistically and how she feels like she's capable of being a groundbreaking musician that defies all limitation. If it's any consolation, I think this record is proof that she is more than capable.
[1/2]
"Scream" is a short burst of eccentric genre-bending goodness that doesn't deserve the flack it's received. Wacked-out Taiwanese rapping (courtesy of Aristophanes) over a Pantera-inspired guitar riff with a hard beat and the hook is literally just Grimes screaming; I'm sorry for not seeing a problem with any of that. It's just so energetic, like the entirety of this record. The following track, "Flesh Without Blood", is the lead single from the album and is without a doubt the "poppiest" track on the album. Everything about it is delectable; the hooks, the sassy verses, the whip crack at the beginning, the little details. It's just an extremely infectious pop track. "Belly of the Beat" might be my least favourite on the album, yet there are no misses amongst these tracks. Another simple, catchy track with an upbeat personality and an attention to production details.
[2/3] (oopsie)
Okay, onto what... yeah, I know, bear with me when I say this... what I may consider to be one of the greatest songs of all time. When analyzing my own personal values in terms of my music tastes, I literally can't find any flaws in this track. "Kill V. Maim" is basically the greatest pop banger ever; it's also the best song about vampire mobsters from the future. The energy on here is ridiculous; Grimes is belting this shit out and it's brilliant. These fucking hooks too, man. How does one write these hooks? The beat forces you to dance, no matter what. Anyways...
The title track, which is a ballad written about her love for Montreal, and "Easily" both ease off of the gas pedal to let you cool down, but Grimes isn't sparing with her myriad of memorable choruses and creative instrumentals. Then we get into "Pin" where Grimes analyses destructive relationships through a counter-emotive dance-pop beat. Then we reach the (questionably) most well-received track off of Art Angels, "Realiti". Ironically enough, Grimes finds this track to be rather cringe-worthy and chose not to include it on the vinyl pressing. I find this to be one of the best tracks she has ever put together so, y'know... opinions. "World Princess Part II" opens with a massive synth flourish and hops along with a bouncy mid-paced beat. Following that, Janelle Monae joins the mix for the explosive house-inspired track, "Venus Fly", with so much undeniable authority, confidence, and sass. With the last two tracks, the album comes to a close. "Life in the Vivid Dream" is a gorgeous interlude where we get the closest to an "acoustic" track from Grimes and it flows nicely into the closing track, "Butterfly". She ends on a strong note and basically returns to form with another emphatic "fuck you" to the music industry.
Overall, it's not a flawless album by any sort of bullshit "objective" standard in music quality, but I've listened to this album literally hundreds of times since its release
fuck him. it's spelled ketchup.
Since I am too embarassed to admit my true feelings about Green Day, I decided to hook myself up to a lie detector to get the truth out not just to RYM users, but to myself as well. Here are the questions and answers...
Q. Do you like Green Day?
A. *Without hesitation* NO!
Verdict: TRUTH
Reaction: Staying calm and confident.
Q. Do you like the album American Idiot?
A. *Hesitantly, making a kind of cringy hissy face*... yes *in a high pitched yelp*
Verdict: TRUTH
Reaction: Slightly miffed.
Q. Do you think this is an example of prog and punk joining forces?
A. No. Not at all, that's stupid, next fire and water will merge as one!
Verdict: TRUTH
Reaction: Evil laugh
Q. Do you think Jesus of Suburbia is a great song?
A. No!
Verdict: LIE
Reaction: Cheeks start to glow a rosy red.
Q. Is it true that you once learned the whole of Jesus of Suburbia on guitar?
A. *Now with bright red cheeks* ...Yes!
Verdict: TRUTH
Reaction: Guilty as charged.
Q. Do you think American Idiot is a well written album?
A. Yes. I suppose.
Verdict: TRUTH
Reaction: Calm.
Q. Do you think that My Chemical Romance ripped off this album?
A. Yes!
Verdict: TRUTH
Reaction: Glad.
Q. Do you think Green Day are better than The Offspring?
A. Nope.
Verdict: LIE
Reaction: Confused.
Q. Do you think Green Day are better than Sum 41?
A. No.
Verdict: TRUTH
Reaction: Assured.
Q. Have you ever seen a man eat his own head?
A. *After much laughter* No, I haven't seen everything!
Verdict: LIE
Reaction: Jaw hits the floor.
Q. Do you think this review will help you achieve your long dream of getting a front page review on RYM?
*LIE DETECTOR RANDOMLY EXPLODES!!!*
Reaction: Ah Dammit!!!
this one is one of the worst reviews I've read and it's pretty heavily upvoted
64 fucking upvotes
I never understand why ABBA is always up there
mostly people trying too hard not to look contrarian
it never works
What rock bands were rocking beards in 1963? I think more folk guys than rock ones would have then
>downvoting a review because you disagree with it
you're the real cringe
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I wouldn't say it's that. Some people can't fathom anything other than one note melodies, I-IV-V chord progressions and basic song structures.
this one's not bad
>you're the real cringe
And surely not the person taking the time and actually posting something like this online:
>Pretentious, because ambient music need not be background music (ie. he instructs us in the liner notes to listen "to the piece at comparatively low levels, even to the extent that it frequently falls below the threshold of audibility"); indeed, the best ambient music tends to be when it's (inter)active, though most makers seem fine with pretending otherwise.
Not to mention that this isn't the only example of his strong, infallible opinions.
Sure, compared to some we've seen in this thread so far, it's not that bad.
you're still trying to get a review taken down because it disagrees with you you fucking loser. you're only supposed to downvote when the review breaks rules
>you're still trying to get a review taken down because it disagrees with you you fucking loser.
I'm sure I'll see evidence of that. Any minute now, right? Not to mention that his review is still up.
how bout this
fucks sake forgot pic
>beatles
>1.5
the only cringe here is your post
any review by marsbars or limedibagels
Why don't you like fellow mutants reviewing music.
On the topic of RYM reviews. Why does someone have to accompany every fucking review with a life story. Funeral by Arcade Fire has tonnes of personal significance to me, but it means jack shit to someone else who wants a quick look at the general quality of the album. But every fucking review starts off with how their dad died when they were 13 and they found an old copy of Pet Sounds in his hidden gay porn closet and how that copy lead to his first fucking gay experience. Like 90% of the review is life story with 10% being a shallow as fuck review which basically equates to "One of my favourites so it's perfect and only idiots dislike it"
Midori - Aratamemashite, hajimemashite, Midori desu.