Feels thread? Feels thread

Feels thread? Feels thread.

I fucked up big time and destroyed my life goal. I feel so fucking hopeless. Also, I'll never get to fuck Halsey, which makes me feel even worse.

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Man, why the fuck do I always feel so damn shitty. No matter what is going on in life, I always feel awful. I put on such a masquerade about my happiness in hopes that it'll inspire others to achieve genuine happiness. I want that for others. I want others to be happy, I want them to achieve all they want in life. I want them to be themselves and be genuinely happy, but I also want that for me. I can't seem to be able to be happy unless others are involved. Once I'm alone all the sadness seems to seep out of the cracks in my mask. Why am I like this? What am I missing? I am so clueless in this life, but that doesn't make me special because everyone has these questions... right? What the fuck am I supposed to do. This has been the worst year in my life. I've never had such bad experiences as I've had in this year. Do I deserve this? Is this karma for everything bad I've ever done. Or is this all just one big climax into a much better life where I am able to achieve happiness? I fucking hate my life and I'm too prideful too say anything to anyone. And when I do, i just don't know how to talk about it.

How do I express that I hate myself for doing what I did to Her? How do I express that I hate that she doesn't want to be my friend. I'm so rightfully where I should be but it fucking sucks. I can't talk about it to anyone because it'll only make me feel worse. I deserve all thats happened to me this year... I think. I miss everyobe so much. I want to go back and change what I did so that I could be as happy as I was when we were all together. I am sorry to all of you for what I've ruined. I wish I could take it back. I am filled with so much self hatered and regret. I love you guys and I am nothing without friendship like we had. I am so empty of love and filled with anger and sadness. I need to change this. I need to flip the script so I can once again be filled with love and happiness. I'm so sick of what I'm feeling. I just want to stop and end it, but I know that I'm not strong nor brave enough to kill myself. I'm far too scared. I wish that i was more black or white; if only I could just be happy, or just end it. I can't seem to do either. I'm lost in my head and in the metaphoric bottles in which contain my emotions.

I long for love. Because love is a blinding emotion that consumes your whole being and masks all sadness and anger, replacing it with happiness and passion. Is that why I date people? Not because I loved them, but because I was craving the overwhelming feeling of blinding happiness and passion for... Anything? I don't have any worth while passions. The only things I love are video games and people. Neither of which are viable careers, so how tf am I gonna make it in the world when I hate doing anything that doesn't involve those two things. I probably won't. And I don't know what I can do about that? I am in need of a passion that will make me money so that I can survive in a world that I don't want to be in, but am forced to be in because I'm weak and scared. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, or what I'm gonna do with this. I don't even know what I'm feeling. Anyone older than me who reads this will figure "oh it's just hormones, teenagers' feelings aren't as valid as a fully developed persons' are" that might be true, how would I know. People my age that read this will think "he's just a fucking attention seeker, why tf should I read any of it" that's probably true because without attention you'd either go completely insane or find self peace, it just depends on your exposure to receiving attention. Who cares I suppose. I'm simply 1 in 7 billion people who all have the same emotions, so why should mine be prioritized?

Dude, you can make a career out of video games. Why not be a video game designer?

Because it doesn't seem like a viable career.. not realistic enough

Why would you wanna fuck Halsey?

If it's something you love to do, you'd find a way. Either that or some boring office job. Believe me, man. I was about to have the career of a lifetime and it all just collapsed. I felt like I was dreaming the entire time.

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who fucking knows dude, evolution, or god, or buddha, or allah, or who ever the fuck is out there gave man the greatest gift and worst curse of higher thinking, self awarness, or whatever the fuck it is, and i wanna say more but the same "human intellect" is still not enough for me to describe it, maybe its because im to young, or maybe its because its too late, or maybe this that and whatever. Or there is no answer to an existensial crisis but ignorance, but isnt ignorance the definition of an existensial crisis. thoughts?

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I don't know. I just need to.

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I mean I guess I'll have to see, I still need to finish my last semester in high school before I am forced to make a decision on college

I'm pretty young aswell. (18) but I agree. The only way I've seen happiness is through ignorance, so rarely do I see it through higher thinking and intelligent people. Only those too stupid to recognise or too ignorant to acknowledge

True happiness is an illusion. It doesn't exist.

I'm well aware

you can still give into ignorance and just do whatever you can find that lights shit up in your brain and produces chemicals and shit that give you "happiness"

I don't belong anywhere and anybody I meet, anyone I get attached to, any friend I make all end up eventually avoiding me

I feel so undesirable.