I'm kind of at a loss and not sure what to do with myself...

I'm kind of at a loss and not sure what to do with myself. Psychological evaluation tomorrow and I'm starting to work towards helping myself. Aside from all the that has happened this year to throw me off the trail of recovery: honestly I'm not sure if I want to fix myself. It all seems like so much effort and at this point feels like I'm only trying to 'sort myself out' for others.

I've obviously thought about the implications of suicide and how it'll affect people with my passing but is guilt of being selfish a good enough reason to keep me here and how long until that just fades away?

I'm working my way into an industry I've always wanted to be a part of; I've worked with some of my favourite people on TV, anime and in movies growing up. My financial situation has been fucked but has only started to alleviate as of recent and barring needing a haircut and putting in weight I'm not too bad to look at so generally apart from my 'headfuck' I don't have such a problem finding attraction in the opposite sex. People bitch about this kind of stuff all the time, say that it would mean the world to them and how lucky I can be sometimes but honestly I can't tell if I'm just being ungrateful and should be able to see the 'brighter side of life' or if I'm just too broken and nothing will make me feel happy.

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Get a motorcycle, never seen a depressed person on a motorcycle

Suicide isnt selfish.

Sounds like you need to try out some anti-depression meds.

If you have people who care about you, it's the most selfish thing you can do.

be brutally honest during your eval
withhold nothing
*except don't mention the words 'homicide' or 'murder'

Bullshit. Telling someone he shoudlnt suicide just because you care about him. Thats actually selfish.

Yeah life's a bitch
Don't commit suicide if your mom is alive because come on seriously
Get some hobbies
Life isn't about happiness it's about fulfillment
Go get you some

I have considered it lol and barring the self harm, I'm clumbsy and a danger to myself on a day-to-day.
I've tried some, but felt a strange dissociative state which ironically is another problem I have as a standard anyway. So I'm not sure: I'll just have to see what they give me this time.
Its funny you say that- and although I'm relatively placid as a person. I do have bouts of rage but my most concerning issue is psychotic flashes- sadistic imagery or just picturing myself doing something fucked up. I've once imagined beating my significant other to death whilst in the process of intercourse... it was fucked up. Don't know if I ever told her but it was the only time I cane back to and realised my hand was somewhat raised. It may be worth mentioning.
I have hobbies lol, I play vidya, watch anime, movies, TV, play guitar, Harmonica, I sketch/draw and 3D model. They just seem like fleeting momentary distractions though.

This is fucking brilliant

Try some kinky sex out. after that comment it could fill the void in your life XD It did to me

>my most concerning issue is psychotic flashes- sadistic imagery or just picturing myself doing something fucked up
welcome to Sup Forums

Get over yourself, either go on a killing spree or get your shit together maybe you should just stop bitching.

Everything is just a state of mind you fag.

Wait you are going in to entertainment, such as tv etc.
Goodluck you soon wil be a puppet to the pedophile Illuminati satanists who run the entertainment industry, just kys before you do dmg to this world whilst you are being exploited because you are weak.

I personally have issues with intimacy and honestly- It's made me a bit of a nympho with particular tastes I guess.

I've tried quite a lot out and generally find myself a bit submissive. Which is fine because I've found dominant girls etc but I guess it boils down to me being able to accept abuse more than affection. Just bad memories I guess but fun things are fun.
I know- that's why I've always felt a little at home here. We're all fucked up in our own ways.
Careful you don't cut yourself on that edge budday, personally as someone that has been affected by paedophillia. I'd sooner get there just to drive a stake through them myself but this post wasn't about that was it. You mad little cunt kek

user, I would go to the psyche eval and be honest. If you're going to kill yourself anyways, what's there to lose (don't mention any serious plans tho).
See about getting on some medication.
Going through a million meds to find the one that works sucks, but they really can help you.
I don't think suicide is selfish. I think sometimes people hit their breaking points. My family has had one, and multiple attempts.
As for the "having what others want", everyone's goals are different.
Rich people kill themselves, 10/10s kill themselves. Happiness to one person may be a million in the bank, a blowjob, or a warm day.
Tl;dr suicide isn't selfish, but don't kill yourself. (& like other user said avoid if your mother is still living.)

I am crazy but not mad, im based, i sensed a weakness in you that will be exploited by the industries you think about going in to.
Considering that you already experienced that as a child i was pretty spot on, and i based all this shit on just one comment of yours.

This is the thing, they will target the weak that have already experiences shit like that as they are already conditioned and shown to be victims.

Considering the stake comment, i suggest a killing spree.
that will sort you out.

This dude, smart abused as a child, they picked him to do dirty work youtube.com/watch?v=cRuKmxQSPSw
You think that psyche evaluation wont end up in the hands of the satanist that you are going to work for?
You have been warned, keep that stake ready id say.

You might even be able to do a undercover sting at the expense and sacrifice of yourself.

>See about getting on some medication.
Yeah lets just take some toxins that fuck with you wrecking the chemistry of the body whilst dulling the mind to a stump and repressing libido that will help you get a happy relation.

I'm going to go to my assessment thingy tomorrow but honestly- I probably wouldn't have bothered if it weren't for the shit earlier this year. Literally took in my cousin that needed somewhere to stay, he was always a recluse but tried helping him off his feet- he went from arrogant, lazy and apathetic to spying on me (analysing traffic via router) and then losing his shit in a religious sense to trying to kill me in my sleep. I got the fuck out ofdodge and recently was able to move back in. He still creepily just sits outside sometimes.

Needless to say with all of my personality disorders, interpersonal issues etc. He did not help one bit and when I felt I was getting better- I got dragged back to square one. I'm just tired I guess.

I self harm regularly but thats more frustration if anyone so far and havent come close to needing a hospital in a while but I wrote out my will and testiment a few days ago just as preperation because honestly. If this doesn't work: I don't know what else to do.
You aren't a special snowflake nir are you any more than an armchair psychiatrist. Please stop invading my thread with your poorly articulated bullshit and god awful vernacular. I may not be in the most stable of minds but nigga I know a narcassist when I see one and as for a killing spree. I'm way too apathetic about people as a rule to fuck up and take away lives without reason. Give me one and I'll gladly end your existence but the opposite to love isn't hate: its indifference.
If only you knew how high my libido is- I've honestly got a bit of a sexual addiction so I doubt that would be the worst that could happen to me.

You live in an artificial bubble if you will. Everything about modern society is designed to plug you into it like a human battery and sap your energy. I'm pretty sure that was the metaphor in The Matrix. We are privileged to be alive in this era though despite how bad it can be... I am not saying be a non considerate asshole, but to me, all this life is about is yourself. You can give away your life to how other people say it should be

Societal standards are the membrane that hold that bubble together- I'm not really that keen on keeping up appearances, forcing a feigned tolerance or any of that jazz. It just seems a little inpractical to not say what you feel to me so I'm not so sure.

If you were to say that the modern state of livig was akin to that: sure, I'd happily agree.

>toxins
Also, if you get on a medication and experience this shit, its not the medication for you.
user, you sound hopeless. I hope everything goes well for you tomorrow.
Mental illness is a hard thing to deal with.