So I guess this is a secrets thread?

So I guess this is a secrets thread?
I just need to tell somebody this...

>be 16
>freshman in high school
>mom divorced my dad because her boss makes more money than my dad (cop) so she divorced him to be her bosses gold digger
>pretty upset about the divorce, socializing was not my thing
>I wasn't some edgy goth punk or some gay shit like that...I just kept to myself
>it's already stressful enough of going through a divorce when everything seemed so perfect
>as I'm walking down the hall to my next class...there she is
>a solid 10/10 qt3.14 eyes as blue as the sky with long blonde flowing hair
>sheistheone.img
>I ended up sitting next to her in my classroom
>she smelled of vanilla and strawberries, sometimes I can still smell it
>I secretly write her full name down because stalking is going to be required
>we'll call her Jane
>I go home straight to the computer where I search her up on Facebook
>I read (I shit you not) every single post on her wall
>looking at friends list
>holy shit this girl is popular
>looking at family members of Jane's
>Dad is this stereotypical white guy: sweater vest and longsleeve wearing rimless glasses
>Mom....oh boy. She looks like she could be her grandmother.
>my dad walks into my room to check up on me
> "holy shit user. That lady has a grand theft warrant"

This is where everything I know and love turned into a total colossal shitstorm

continue

So it wasn't long before my dad and his cop buddies came swarming into my room to look at this lady's Facebook

>"user, why is she on your Facebook?"
>"ughhh...she's the mom of this girl I have a crush on at school"
>"user...I know I have told you I will always keep my job away from this family and to keep you all safe, but I might need your help"
>"I don't know about this dad"
>he laughs it off and says we'll talk about it in the morning

Next morning,

>Dad wakes me up super early tells me I need to get into the car with him
>sloppily put on clothes and plop into the car
>My dad never said anything about last night, he just kept talking about how he loves the way air can be so crisp on a cold morning
>we stop at my favorite breakfast diner
>eat like kings
>I'm grateful for my dad, of course since my mom is trying to bleed out my dad for every penny he has, this diner trip was an expensive trip for us
>"Son, about last night..."
>goddamnit. I got lured into his trap, takes me out for breakfast. Like I know my dad isn't quite the run of the mill, but I thought he was just trying to be nice to me to help both of us cope with it
>"Son, I need you to help me find this lady"
>"I don't know Dad, I like this girl and what if you just did it on your own?"
>"user we have been looking for her for months, she has approximately 75k worth of jewelry stolen. The department can pay you."
>the department. Fuck those guys. My dad posted a picture of me when I was 2 butt ass naked with only his patrol hat on.
>that fucking picture has been up there for 14 years...all the officers call me "nakey" or "officer nakey"
>"Fine but you can't ask for any more favors for me to help the department"
>"Okay user, just go to school and relax, talk to that girl in class, if you've got my genes you'll smooth talk her to the bedroom" he chuckles as he drops me off at school

Well fuck, now I have to go get my crush's mom arrested while still trying to get my qt3.14.

please type these out ahead of time faggot
sage

Oh hey I got dubs. Well so now this is where it gets worse

>I'm in class trying to do whatever the fuck you do in high school
>Jane walks in with a fucking cute little smirk on her face
>Okay user, just talk to her like you would anyone else, it's not like your trying to get her hand in marriage while also trying to get her mom arrested. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
>"Hey Jane, I...Ughh was wondering if you were busy tomor-tonight?"
>"depends on what you mean by busy"
>as she said that I swear she winked at me
>"I think you're pretty cute and I wanted to hang out with you or maybe go on a date?"
>ohholyfuck.png
>I didn't realize because all the adrenaline and blood pumping so loud I couldn't hear myself think, but the entire classroom was quiet listening to me and Jane.
>"Sure! How about you stop by my house at 5 and we could go to the movies?"
>I did it
>fuck the cop shit for a moment
>I actually asked a girl out, and it didn't fail tremendously
>"Okie dokie I'll see you then!"
>Okie dokie? What am I a fucking 6 year old? Okie dokie?
>called my dad as soon as school got out
>"Hey user how was school"
>"Forget school Dad! She said yes to a date tonight!"
>"that's awesome news Son! I knew you had it in you...just like your old man"
>we both laugh for a second until he told me that he'll pick me up to go to the station
>not the station

Two hours later

>after being humiliated by everyone calling me "Nakey" they are setting me up with wires
>apparently when they say wires, they're not actually wires, just small microphones
>the officer in charge of the wiring told me "don't worry about a thing. If something goes wrong just say the word and we'll get you out"
>"what's the word?"
>"Come on, you know: Nakey"
>Of course it is

Officer Nakey reporting for duty

keep going user

this is good pasta

dont stop now user

Bump. Cmon user been 15 fookin minutes already

Waiting...

>arrive at her house
>Knock. Knock.
>my hearts pounding about what's about to go down
>it's Jane
>as we're sitting down about to head out for the movie my earpiece is getting a little staticky to the point where it hurts
>turn it off and stuff into pocket when Jane isn't looking
>Jane's dad walks in and talks to us for a bit
>Jane's mom walks in
>oh shit this is getting real
>Jane's mom is decked out in jewelry
>at least one ring for every finger
>three necklaces
>the list goes on
>"Hi are you Jane's Mom?"
>"Yes sweetie I am"
>that's it, that's the queue
>the officers never told me what was gonna happen
>Jane and I go to leave when her dad pulls me aside
>"Keep her safe user" as he slides me $40 for the movies
>we go to leave the house
>we're walking and talking when not even halfway down the block the police show up to Jane's front door
>Holy shit these guys were geared to the 9's full on swat gear
>Jane and I start running back

sidenote/
>my dad told me this part
/sidenote

>the swat team are yelling "POLICE DEPARTMENT WE HAVE A WARRENT OPEN UP!"
>nothing happens...I thought at least the dad would run out of something
>*gunshot*
>even I was close enough to hear Jane's mom screaming
>"Daniel! Why Daniel?"
>as the swat team enter in the building another shot rings out. But no more screaming
>Jane's in tears now because no matter what shit went down.
>dad texts me to tell Jane that she can spend the night at our house since both of her parents killed themselves.

And it gets worse, sorry about the wait, I had to write it a second time

keep going user

More

jane is a double agent
>butthole
>and pussy

>so Jane's sitting in my room crying about how she doesn't understand what's going on
>my dad was told me that Jane's mom killed her dad and then herself but even I knew something didn't make sense

This is why I come to you guys today, I'm 21 now and my dad called me to get this off his chest.

>My dad calls out of the blue to tell me what actually happened

Here's what actually happened

>Jane's Dad blew his brains out with his twelve gauge because he has a huge cache of CP and he thought the cops were after him
>and my dad said the first guys to get into the room, Jane's mom was crying with the barrel in her mouth. The officers said that she was asking why because of the CP not the suicide. So she took her life then.
>when my dad came onto the scene, he said that Jane's dad had a copy of my photo hanging in the department office "officer Nakey" on the top of his cache.

So I am still dating Jane right now and I'm not telling her anything about this. That's it Sup Forumsros, AMA about how I inadvertently killed my girlfriends parents.

you jerk off on jane's face while she sleeps on your couch and you go to jail for sexual assault

meanwhile jane has so much stress she kills herself before she can testify at your trial

your dad finds out you're a sexual deviant and denies to protect you with his super cop powers in the eyes of the law

>butt raped in jail all cause you thought an aryan girl was cute

>The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
>Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

happily ever after? fuck you

Would you have rather had it where the parents both kill themselves and I didn't get the girl cuz I was a horny 16 trying to fuck their daughter?

correction *autistic works

OFFICER NAKEY

Nice meme kiddo. Jane's Dad ran the only photo printer in town. That's why he got a hold of all that stuff.

yeah dude

You're lame

i am really retarded and dont get the nakey thing can someone explain it to me?

What about jewelery then?
Was the whole operation just to bust him having pizza?

At least you still got the girl. That's still good, right?

So is there any way we can confirm any of this story online? Jane's mom's Facebook perhaps?

...

So you potentially avoided to have a thief and a pizza fan in your family and you helped to get rid of them? I don't see anything wrong with that, be proud.

you're bad at writing
get a real job

See yall on Reddit
(Include me in cap)

>officer nakey
>I knew you had it in you son
>codeword nakey
>Jane's mom is decked out in jewelry
>she can stay at our house because
> ( ( ( BOTH OF HER PARENTS KILLED THEMSELVES ) ) )
>still dating Jane now

This is not how life happens, and your story is total garbage. 1/10, I read it.

link me the screencap

So how does life "happen" user? For all we know you're a millionaire with spare time and I'm a hitman in the Uptown Newyork Area looking for you. Fuck it, I'm a dog. Whatever, I've heard crazier stories than this, but user needed to share it and I thought it was cool. Maybe I'll write a book about it, who knows?

i don't judge your story by how it went, but how it ended. Please OP you need to finish it in a fucking epic way next time you make a pasta.