Biggest lie/thing/whatever youve gotten away with?

Biggest lie/thing/whatever youve gotten away with?

>Pic unrelated.

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accidentally killed a guy

flooding a school and setting fire to a pedos house

I had a huge crush on a girl in high school and posted a very specific image of a potato heart on Sup Forums and used her nickname and the next time I saw her she asked if I'd ever been on Sup Forums

And I told her no and then we went to different colleges.

She never found out! Hah hah.

Illegally crossing the border from Thailand to Burma.

>almost got shot

>fucked the fiance of a navy guy for 4 months while he was deployed

God bless the military

Falsifying documents in mexico to get free of charges.

I was facing tax evasion.

Used to activate gift cards on the register at work and reset the register after activation. It wouldn't show up on the accounting books that way.

Got away with it for almost a year before a store manager got caught doing exactly the same thing and the software was fixed to correct the problem.

props to you for bringing justice to the pedo

I have been in and out of therapy for almost 10 years just to manufacture the perfect diagnosis for myself so if things ever get too hard I can dip out on life and have a medical history that "proves" I need to be taken care of.

Truth be told, I'm just bored and my parents have tons of money I get to have earlier than their deaths if I'm "medically unable to support myself."

I also have pretended not to understand sarcasm for 12 years just because it's funny as fuck making everyone repeat themselves for trying to be a smart ass in my presence.

I have set a few houses on fire, only one managed to burn to the ground.

I don't remember my lies. Thinking about them is the easiest way to slip up. Gotta pretend it's the truth. Plus I don't lie, I don't care enough. Like fuck it let my life go down the drain

Busted a urinal in a cici pizza. I kicked the lever and it busted off and was spraying water like a fire hydrant. Ran out of the store and left.

how much worth of giftcards you get away with?

>I also have pretended not to understand sarcasm for 12 years just because it's funny as fuck making everyone repeat themselves for trying to be a smart ass in my presence.

That is grand, but WTF?

who does that?

whats actually wrong with you?

'i love you'
teehee im a gurl

I told my CO that the Tali that I pinged had a gun and was pointing it at us, I repeated this lie about 11 times.
Ended up getting a mention in dispatches for it.

>I also have pretended not to understand sarcasm for 12 years just because it's funny as fuck making everyone repeat themselves for trying to be a smart ass in my presence.

Out of all the things you do this is the only one that really pisses me off.
I have a friend that actually legitimately doesn't understand sarcasm and it's really difficult trying to communicate with her sometimes.
Not that i'm sarcastic all the time, but occasionally it will just slip out and then i have to wast 5 minutes explaining what i just said over and over.
It's just aggravating, it really puts on strain onto the other person especially if it keeps going for years.
If you have any friends, this shit really drives them up the fucking wall, and not in a funny way.
Then again you probably don't have friends and/or don't give a shit in the first place.

Donny Darko is that you?

Bait

Between $200-$400 every shift. Average of 5 days a week.

Probably close to $40k

Used to sell them on eBay, used to proceeds to put a down payment on my house

In 4th grade convinced the entire school my Dad had been killed by an electric eel the night before.

Entire school including teachers.

***
This was more than 40 years ago.
So Mods do not mistake me for underage and b&.

kek this shit happened where i used to work.
manager was activating gift cards to get free energy drinks and some dumb cashier was also activating them to get free shit.
both got shitcanned

Dude I have no idea I'm crazy as hell. Entered therapy as a child because parents knew I was strange and I just kind of set these wheels in motion.

The sarcasm? Honestly just the longest troll I've attempted and it's only getting better with time. People have asked if I was autistic before because of it which is just poetry to me.

posting lies on Sup Forums

Hope you mean a rapist?

Being a pedo is not in itself a crime.

lol thanks for reminding me of that movie user

sure you are faggot

How about you learn how to use the words you fucking mean, instead of dancing around the assumptions you force her (even accidentally) or anyone else that's "normal" to make. Speak with precision and you aren't a sarcastic asshole and will never be misunderstood.

My friends think it's charming, a little quirk of personality that makes me seem weak, but is so utterly the contrary.

Imagine every time someone is sarcastic around you, you just pretend to be a dumbass and make them spend the next five minutes explaining themselves. You understand them perfectly the first time, but you can frustrate the hell out of them for the lulz by seeming to be more and more of a dumbass. Just a game to keep you talking, and punish you for being snide when I am near.

Cheating on my wife a few times with my friend.
5 years passed, and I still sometimes jerk off to the memory.

Looted museum in Kiev during Maiden riots. Nobody knew what would happen, carpender store I worked for burned in the riots. Orthodox images, gold church jewelry, valuable historic church properties. My girlfriend lost our baby, maybe later what I have hid in our attic will help us later.

All I'm hearing is "blah blah blah I'm a dirty tramp"


2 points for anyone who gets the reference

>for the lulz by seeming to be more and more of a dumbass. Just a game to keep you talking, and punish you for being snide when I am near.

so you like to pretend to be retarded?
I can't picture you being very happy.

...

Does this still work ? Asking for a friend

It's between

1...

> Get in first car accident, reported to insurance/police
> Get in second accident, drive away / hit and run
> Get in third accident, reported to insurance/police
> Police find me months later, say I was involved in hit and run.
> "No officer, those damages on my front end are from (third accident date)"
> "Why would I report these two accidents, but not this one? I'm not the best driver but I'm accountable for my actions Sir."
> Get case dismissed on this basis

2...

> Selling drugs in first year of Uni
> Pretty illegal drugs, serious charges if caught
> Get home from night of slangin'
> Throw backpack on bed
> On 11th floor of a hotel
> Roomie is breaking up a bunch of weed and bagging it up
> *knock knock*
> Oh must be a customer
> (cracks door open, see a badge in my face) SLAM!!!
> "Dude, there's a cop at the door! Flush the shit!" *door banging in background*
> Roomate says "No way man (hides it behind dresser)"
> I open the door and let him in
> He comes to center of room
> In my head I remember my backpack on the bed is filled with a scale, 100 empty gel caps, over an ounce of freebase, and a long ass time in prison.
> Contemplate shoving officer down and running down stairs with bag and throwing it into the canal that leads to the ocean
> Charges had to be better than what I'd get if he looks inside that bag
> Officer says: "Listen, I know you have some pot here. Just give me what you got and I won't call for backup."
> Give him a fat sack of buds
> WOW I didn't expect this much... Well a deals a deal.
> He walks out, probably goes to smoke the shit
> Wipe the sweat off my brow, I almost went to jail for a long ass time.

> dude goes away to Jail
> didn't know what he's done just the basic charge assault with deadly weapon

>record

>thinking he's going away for a long time

>he calls and asks if I can take care of his cats
> say sure but decide to loot his fucking house
>steal tons of shit and bring it to house

> nice 4k tv and tons of other shit this fucker had

>fast forward a few days

>phone call from guy
>hey user it's they let me out ..signed a probationary plea deal.. think you could give me a ride

Fuck fuck fuck all this guys shit is at my house

>uh.. sure..it will be a few hours if you can wait

>get friend and get all looted shit back into house

>go get guy and get him home
>doesn't suspect shit

When I know how smart I am I have no reason to prove it to strangers. I just get bored and these games keep me entertained. Happy, though? I am immensely, however that is a constant chore in flexing my selfishness.

>Follow ignorant ass Uni students in to hotel.
>Flash fake badge and confiscate drugs.
>Profit!

But... you clearly are autistic.

...

No-one ever believes me, so I don't bother to share anymore.

Bill Murray got to you too?

Sociopath.

It's a super power though; use it for good, evil, or yourself.

the ride on the Wheel is short m8.

you might want to consider whats truly of value.

cheers.

I told my kids Jesus was real
Boy were they mad when they found out he wasn't

my thesis

> Leave before they notice fake badge
> Bring a couple hundred dollars worth of weed with you
> Neglect $2,000+ worth of freebase in a bag along with cash money

Probably this, user. But honestly I won't take any chances when a man has a gun out in plain sight.

I was molested by Steven Colbert

My sister stole some shit from me then lied about it and almost got me arrested.

One night when she was asleep I went around and her car was parked in the street, had a hoodie on and just started kicking and smashing the shit out of the car. I'm a pretty big dude so a size 12 workboot into each body panel just caved them in. Smashed the windows, slashed the tyres and walked off.

I was confronted about it a couple days later and just flat out said "nope, don't know anything". To be fair it was an easy lie but I fucked that car up properly.

She went to jail in the end for stealing one of my cars, got out and tried to steal my new one and I beat the shit out of her when I caught her in the act. Such is life.

Fuck you, Donald. Learn to take a joke.

the way you take Putins cock.

You sound autistic tbh.
Like you pretend to be autistic but the truth is you were actually autistic all along so it's not really pretending.

Spot the pedo

>be me
>16 years old
>visiting family in middle of nowwhere Adirondacks
>picnic at some open field
>boredoutofmymind.jpg
>freinds of the family the kennedys stop by with their dog
>dog is little boston terrier named johnnny
>we set up targets in nearby woods and shoot at them from hill in the feild
>thisisexciting.mp3
>me and cousin shoot for almost an hour
>parents tell us to go pick up targets
>also tell us the johnny is missing and to look for him
>say ok
>we get to the targets a my cousin stops and is in shock
>i walk over and there is johnny, dead
>fucker had wondered of to where we were shooting
>we never knew
>the kennedys 5 year old is now balling his eyes out as we apologize
>mfw when i realize i shot john kennedy from a grassy knoll
cousin and i laugh about this to this very day and we never got in any trouble for this

are you me? lol

get over it.

funny story . .. advisor for my unfinished thesis . . . he never finished his book from that time.

its ok.

you are now free, user.

enjoy life

learn to fucking drive m8

>be 5year old faggot
>playing outside with huge umbrella
>jumping off porch trying to us it as parachute
>sneak out of yard
>walk to corner store with pimpin huge folded umbrella cane
>thinking no way anyone with question me with a walking stick THIS adult looking
>actual reason was i lived in ghetto and no one gives a shit
>walk to corner store
>walking slowly around junk food section
>sneakily toss two pic related snacks into folded umbrella
>"nothing of interest today, i think ill take my leave"
>immediately adrenaline starts pumping
>powerwalking home as fast as i can without looking like a suspicious 5yr old alone in the ghetto
>cause its the ghetto can always hear police
>sirens go off nearby
>OH FUCK THEYRE ON TO ME
>about 3 houses away from home
>snap decision, go into random back yard and cut through back yards rest of the way home
>sneak in basement door and up stairs to the kitchen, ditching the umbrella
>upstairs to second floor bathroom nobody uses cause toilets forever broken and lock door
>quietly peel back loud plastic and live like a king for 3 minutes
>now to stash the evidence
>thought ahead and brought huge scissors
>cut up plastic trays into little pieces
>flush
>toilet clogs
>fuck it no one ever trys to fix anyways
>scissors full of cheese
>go to laundry room stash them under pile of dirty cloths never to be heard from again

29 years old now and still never told anyone this story

lol

im calling breitbart for the scoop

He saids that it got fixed in the same post you numbskull

Kek

>make tasty egg and cheese rolls
>fill with cum
>sell to hard working neighborhood
>give them the extra protein they need to thrive

i am a hero

Cheated on my girlfriend, she never found out

Top kek, found this funnier than I should of.

Non-Sexual Stuff

>snitched on my friends hit list back in high school because he stole the girl I liked, he was tried as an adult and went to jail didn't get out until 21, he has no fucking idea

>convinced my friend to abort her baby because her bf was cheating on her and got another girl pregnant (he wasn't)


Sexual Stuff

>made kids in the neighborhood compare dicks with mine on the pretense smallest dick had to blow biggest, I always got blown

>fucked my nephew

>felt up my other brother while he slept, dude has a monster cock

>cheated on bf got fucked by our mutual "100% straight" friend

>cheated on bf got fucked by old high school friend I reconnected with on fb

>raped an autismo I met off a hook up site, he kept saying he couldn't take it so I held him down until I came, then I pissed inside of him and threatened to make him walk home if he snitched

>fucked a freshly turned 15 year old boy who was illegally working at mcdonalds with me (years ago when I was between jobs)

>got my friend fucked up on some really strong edibles, fucked her trying to get her pregnant but she didn't get pregnant :(

I did, I had to stop getting high first.

the hero the neighborhood deserved but didnt want

bipolardisordersymptoms.info/bipolar-symptoms/grandiosity.htm

this is so retarded

>Faggots aren't all pedos
I beg to differ. Hope you get pozzed up and die slowly.

I'm slowly poisoning all my wife's plants and spitting in her food because I'm starting to hate her. Marriage is a trap, boys.

>pedo

I was underage myself for the kid stuff, though I won't disagree. Oh and you know there are medicines for HIV so you don't die anymore? Not that I want that shit but come on you can do better.

Here in german are machines were you can put plastic bottles in and get 25 cents/bottle.
Back then, 10 years ago, the bottles weren't crushed in the machine, just stored in it's container. I had two weeks internship in a grocery store 10 years ago and I made like 5-10€ a day using the same bottle over and over again.

Mathas?

literally faggot

Purposley not giving my father my pay stub to my father when he needed to report the house's income for Amerigroup insurance, causing him to have to pay Obamacare premiums. He doesnt blame me because I constantly travel and have a nice government job and have always taken his side. I explain he doesnt have to pay premiums if he isnt claiming my brothers as dependants (all older than 21), forcing them to habe to get their own insurance on mimimum wage jobs, both having defaulted several times on student debts, they likely wont make more than 6k-8k next year. Slowly solidifying myself as the only child worth a damn to my father and expanded family.

>I hate my siblings.
I plan to keep them poor and isolated so they dont marry and only I carry the name.

i have shoplifted for about 6000$ give or take during my child time, stop't when i startet to get so muney

got caught once whit a red-bull so had to pay a fine of about 100$

Post the potato heart

...

I killed Sister Cathy Cesnik

>Be me stationed Germany
>Going through some shit phase in life
>Started Drinking everyday
>Drinking started not being enough
>Made German friend out in the bar district who always had some kind of drugs on him
>I would get drugs from friend in exchange for Huba-Bubba or Dr.Pepper or some shit, American junk food was his vice I guess.
>Go to bar district to meet friend and get some weed/ecstasy in exchange for some Kitkats.
>Get wasted that night and decide to have German friend drive me back to my place in my car.
>I drive an American car so it's an automatic target for Polizi to pull over.
>Get pulled over and German friend didn't drink so thought everything was cool.
>Polizi tells friend he can't drive my car because of some law or someshit because it's American made.
>I start talking shit because I had a designated driver and said what they were doing was bullshit.
>They decided to get my base police involved and send a unit on the way
>Oh shit I have weed/ecstasy on me
>Base police arrive and ask what's going on, they say I was drunk and have attitude.
>Base police are pretty chill and tell me I have to go to the back to their station for some questioning.
>Say they have to give me a patdown before they put me in squad car.
>oh shit I have weed/ecstasy on me x2.
>Ask to take a piss real quick before the pat down because I've been holding it for a while and don't want to have an accident in their car.
>Chill police dude lets me go where there are some bushes.
>Throw my stash in the bushes and thankfully I actually had to piss.
>Return to get patted down, nothing on me.
>Get taken to the station, got my questioning out of the way, and was let go.

There were other close calls I had too when I was stationed in Germany. I even got Polizi to buy me food once which was awesome.

nigga u gay .jpg