Stupidest way you have gotten hurt?

Stupidest way you have gotten hurt?
was running backwords and my mate tripped me, broke my arm really fucking badly

>Riding bikes with friends in middle school
>looks back to see if they're still behind me
>looks back in front of me to realize there's a parked mini van
>already too late
>ohshit.gif
Came out with a massive bloody nose and massive dent in the trunk of the van

>see stone
>wanted to see it fly
>kick it with my whole body as force
>stone was frozen stuck to the ground
>the momentum of my kicking fot ofbalanced me and I flew ruining my jacket, my toe got fucked and i bruised my jaw from faceplanting.

was hilarious. fuck you stone

Falling in love

cut my hand on a tomato soup cans lid I still have the scar

everyones biggest mistake
stick to 2d women

Mine's probably going down a wet grass slope with my bike where a house where standing right at the end.

Front wheel got bent and I managed to rip open both kneecaps and elbows.

Didn't help that the wall was made of rough sandpaper pretty much.

gave a cute salesgirl in a bakery i saw everyday for months my number. she quit a week later and never called.

>trying to break off a peice of ice from a frozen chunk
>hand slips while grabbing an edge of the ice
>pain.fuck
I cut the meat of my hand open and bled everywhere in my freezer

done that

...

Reminds me of when I tried to get my laptop apart to fix it. Just that I had forgotten a screw or two. Ended up cutting my fingers on 5 different locations, one pretty deep.

op here
another one
>rope swinging with pals at lake near my house
>i go up next
>dont know theres a big fucking rock under the water
>im 6 ft 4
>toes slam into rock
>break 7 toes

>4 yrs old
>Me and cousins challenging each other in stuff
>New dare issued: how many hops on a 10 inch chair
>Fall on the stone floor
>Elbow broken


Or another one

>Baseball pitcher 19 yo
>Bad performance on the mound
>Sub and back to the locker room
>Kick the wall in anger
>Broken toe, but too proud to admit
>Never went to hospital or doctor
>6 yrs later still hurts when walking in the rain.

Ran upstairs to grab motorcycle keys out my room, somehow manage to break my hand. At least it got me 6 weeks off work.

the world wasnt built for us above 6 ft 2

>be me
>be opening a can of refried beans.
Traditionally, after opening the can, my mother would scoop them out with a spoon and then, because they were usually too thick anyway, would add a small amount of water to the can, mix up any beans that were stuck to the sides, and pour it in with the rest before microwaving.

I.... I was a rebel.

I had a plan.

a new way of doing things.

>after using traditional can opener on top of can, I proceeded to invert said can into a (microwave safe) bowl, as usual.
>suddenly inspiration struck.
>rather than scoop out what I could with a spoon, what if air vents were made in the ass end of the can????
>grab a knife
>hold can steady cause aim sucks
>stab downward, hard
>fuck yea
>all is well, air is entering can as planned.
>process is too slow, must puncture more holes in can to expedite bean removal
>stab downward again
>I put 4 inches of steel into my own hand, directly between my forefinger and thumb.
>10 years later everything still feels weird in my left hand

I had 90 KG's of hot chick run towards me for a hug and her massive tits slammed in to my hand and bent my entire wrist backwards to the point my fingers were touching my wrist. On the upside though they were some pretty fucking nice tits

Most painful experience of my life so far
>Mowing the lawn
>Mower cuts out
>Trying to pull start it, can't get it to turn over
>Try to do one pull as hard as I possibly can
>Neglect to take into account that I'm standing right beside a stone wall
>Drive my elbow right into a stone as hard as possible
>Right on the funny bone
I hardly even reacted outwardly, no noise or anything, but my initial reaction was just "... I-I-I have to sit d-down" and I just laid on the grass for over an hour.

>Be a newfag
>i wanted to learn about how things work
>grab a big rock and threw it at bucket with frozen water
>rock richochets right into my face
>lip split in two

Just remembered one that happened last week
>riding my bike
>stop to get a drink
>move to dismount
>charging cable gets stuck on handle because I had it hanging from pocket to pocket
>fuck
> fall on a pile of rocks
>shirt snagged on handle
>bike pinning leg
>ow
I had to remove pebbles from the cut that I got, which started pouring blood down my leg right after

op again
>working a grinder
>girl next to me getting scared by sparks
>be me
>be a cunt
>push metal into grinder as hard as i can to spook her
>looks like im the one getting trolled
>metal catches the side of the grinder
>pulls my hand right in
>grinds the fuck out of my fingers and palm
>have to spend an hour pulling out metal shards

>tries opening peanutbutter
>grip cap of jar to hard
>gets gash in hnd while opening jar
Fml

>be 10 out riding my bike
>going down a long but not too steep downhill
>had been to see the Moscow Circus a few weeks earlier
>inspiration strikes
I'll just off my bike like those guys were jumping off and on their horses
>jump off bike
>got pretty rashed up in the usual places, hands and elbows
Never thought about running away to join the circus again

>making tacos or some shit for dinner
>cut avocado in half
>try to stick knife in avocado pit to twist and remove like I'd done many times before
>turns out it wasnt quite ripe enough so the pit wasnt woody enough for the knife to stick
> tried manually pushing the knife into it more
>easing force more and more to try and get it to stick
>suddenly slice all the way through the entire avocado and into my left forefinger as I was holding it with my left hand
>cut completely through the nerve and vein and begin to bleed fucking EVERYWHERE
>wrap in cheese cloth and duct tape as I have no real gauze or medical tape anywhere
>go to emergency room and get like 13 stitches and surgery to reattach the nerve so I can have feeling in that side of the finger again
it doesnt and never will feel the same as it used to, but I can still feel with it. if you've ever lost complete feeling in part of your body its very difficult to use. I had no sense of pressure so it was hard to pick things up with that finger until it healed and I could feel again.

Loved her.
Heart broken.

>rope swinging with pals at lake near my house
Dude rope swings are surprisingly dangerous.

>red bull and vodka
>see a truck
>climb on it's bed
>dance around
>get off the bed, foot clips on the side of the rail and land by doing the splits
>dislocate leg

Fucking retarded

1.
> walk into glass door, old style glass shatters into large shards, cut face to bone. Have to drive self to Dr who stitches
2.
> Drunk and get up to walk to fridge
> just clip chair on way past and hit little toe so bad it almost rips off.
3.
> Playing football
> crack sternum easily to most pain suffered in my entire life
4.
> descending stairs wearing socks
> slip about 10 steps up and land flat on back on last step and tile floor
> thought I was paralysed

I did that too, except it was a truck. That shit fucking hurt bad, due to I was riding fast.

>be my best buddy
>hanging at his place
>shitfaced_drunk.png
>buddy wants pizza
>it's not delivery, it's digiorno
>bites boiling hot first slice on tip
>realizes it's boiling hot, pulls the slice away very fast
>works for the dough-part
>the topping though slides of, still hanging on his teeth
>through momentum of the fast pull it flips up
>bubbling hot salami lands on his nose, rest of topping hugging bottom part of his face snuggly
>cheese-muffled screams of agony
>pizza bane

he got the tip of his nose 3rd degree burnt,
rest of bottom part of face 1st-2nd degree,
looked like he had a clown nose for weeks

one of the hardest laughs i ever had on that night.

>be on class trip out in the woods in 8th grade
>being the Swedish woods there was lakes everywhere
>go around and chill alone as usual, find a small swimming hole
>cool, get my clothes off since I'm pretty far from everyone else and jump in
>water is hella nice
>float around for a while, hear someone coming through the woods
>shit
>quickly scramble towards the rocky edge
>get up butt naked on the rocks, foot slips
>oh shieeeeee
>fall backwards, hit my shoulder on a boulder and spin around
>my knee hits the very hard (who knew..) rock
>feel something crack
>pain like a million knives through my leg
>scream and fall into water
>nerd girl in class, nearly as autismo as me comes running
>she saw everything
>I manage to get out of the water but right leg isn't working
>crying like a bitch, oh yeah still naked
>she gives me a towel, runs for the teacher to call for help
>sit there crying, look down
>knee fucked, no wound but it looks like someone set off a C4 charge under the skin
>few minutes later teacher comes running with nerd girl
>he helps me get my shorts back on (thank fuck) and then carries me to the trail and back to the camp
>nerd girl is with me all the time for some reason
>get driven to the hospital by random mushroom picker
>get back to school two weeks later, entire leg in braces and cast
>nerd suddenly my friend/gf for life

>pizza bane

Swimming with my eyes closed. I swam headfront into the pool's railing. Broke one piece off of my tooth.

>long bus trip
>finally back in home town after like 9 hours
>get out of bus all tired
>driver opens up the luggage hold on the side of the bus
>he slides it out
>reach over to grab my bag
>arm gets stuck
>what?
>pull arm back, my tired eyes had missed the luggage compartments strut had fallen down by accident
>it impaled my arm as I reach forward
>blood is just gushing now
>well fuck
>bus driver looks at me like "dammit son, I just wanna go home"
>really hate blood, sit down and nearly pass out
>some friendly passenger keeps pressure on my arm
>another calls ambulance
>result = 11 internal stitches, blood vessel repair and a nasty infection
>they couldn't stitch the outside because pus and other liquids had to escape for like 2 months before it healed
>still hurts when touched

Running down stairs and the hand rail went up my sleeve. Totally fucked my arm.
Washing dishes and crushed a glass, big cut on a finger.
Cutting onions, accidentally cut off the top of my index finger.
I'm a mess

>gymnastics at school
>2 poles with ropes in between 1st an 2nd base bassball
>go for a dive to get to 2nd base asap
>arms get cought in the ropes and fall on my shoulder
>broke collar bone

Recently fucked my head up..

>come home from the shops
>fall into my comfy couch
>forgot I had moved it slightly, edge of shelf now behind it
>my head hit's the edge with the force of a thousands suns
>black out for a second
>open my eyes, feel dizzy as shit and my head hurts like I've been hit with sledgehammer
>walk into bathroom and vomit
>call my mom who drives over and then drives me to the emergency room
>bad concussion and a cut in the back of my head
>5 days later and my head still hurt

>play with dildo and buttplug
>dildo is deep
>still a bit to go though, it gets wider at the bottom
>sudden cramp in leg
>aaaaaaaaa
>fall backwards a bit
>get anally raped by the wide part I wasn't ready for
>oooooooooh
>quickly pull out
>I've slightly ripped my anus, dripping a little blood
>dammit
>walk around with paper tucked between my cheeks for a day
>but it healed nicely luckily enough
>Inb4 gay&faggot
Deal with it. Gut a plug in me right now, vibrating nice, dick is dripping

Several scars on my hands from stupid shit like trying to open shit with knives or playing with broken glass.

Most stupid way to break a bone:
>Be stupid, out of shape, overweight, and probably autismo
>Try to impress people by jumping through a hoop while rolling back up to a stand
>With my awesome ninja parkour move in mind I run to the hoop
>Land on shoulder break my coller bone
>It was probably fucking funny to watch people said they heard a pop

1.
>forgot swimming goggles
>swim with eye closed
>friend dropped something in pool
>swim down to get it
>bang the bottom of the pool
>chipped half one of my frontal teeths
2.
>hungry so walk down stairs
>lights closed and couldnt find light switch
>walk down anyways
>miss step
>sharp stair edge cunts my heel
>bleeding everywhere
>slip on blood
>fall down the stairs
surprisingly it wasnt too deep so my heel healed up

...

>be riding on bike path like in pic related
>going about 25-28 km/h
>be late November, so random patches of ice on the road
>ride across a big ice puddle
>think to my self "should probably slow down"
>hadn't mounted my studded tires yet because retard
>I don't slow down...
>another ice patch comes up, front wheel just goes shvossh to the side
>I faceplant the ice
>sit up with bloody nose and mouth
>another bike comes from behind and can't stop in time
>hits my arm
>dam
>eventually get back up, all body is hurting
>ride to work all bloody, clean up in restroom
>all my teeth was ok luckily enough
>nose bled for like 3 hours
>arm hurt for a week

>rage at computer
>hit it with all my might
>computer goes flying
>hand goes nope and crunches
>3 fractures in middle of hand
>wear cast for 6 weeks, still hurt when I close my hand

>nerd suddenly my friend/gf for life
So was it worth it, in the end?

>So was it worth it
Pretty much yeah. Live together now.
But I had 2 surgeries and still have metal rods and pins in my knee. Hurt's when I walk too much.

>be me 12
>in the kitchen
>dont know why but force kick with my knee
>was doing karate b4 so i was kicikng it with full force and body
>dont know why but i hit the edge of the table
>metal table very sturdy
>Pretty much disabled myself for 7 days

hahahaha best thing I ever did damn witness

> new years eve
> the friends and me high and shit face drunk
> carving my lighter with carpet knife blades we were taping together for ninja stars
>friend gets stupid idea to pretend to throw my empty wallet and mp3 player over fence
> I get super pissed
> tell him to hop the fence and get my shit back
> he refuses and giggles like dumb stoner
> I get super sayin pissed
> I still have the blade in my hand and completely forgot about it
> I punch the wall super hard trying to scare him
> notice blade was still in hand and I'm literally squirting blood all over my friend and on the the walls
>screaming HOLYSHIT
> I run into the house
> cousin is cleaning his brandnew white DCs
> I get blood on his shoes while screaming CALL AN ABURLANCE in his face
> fast forward
I hate this green txt bs
So I get back to my cousins house apparently they were searching the shed for my pinky finger for 3 hours I did cut through the bone and now I can't get in the military cause of my gimped pinky.
All of this happened over an empty wallet and a crappy mp3 player
Morale of the story don't do drugs

>drunk
>Decide I need some munchies
>Hop on bike
>Shits way harder to ride drunk than I thought
>I'm sure as shit not talking because it's too far for that
>I cut through a path that has a really steep hill at one point, path is only about 3 feet wide
>It's not that easy to go down on a bike under normal conditions let alone while drunk and in almost pitch black night.
>The hill is so steep you literally go from 0 to like30 mp/h in like 2 seconds
>I got this, though.
>As I going down the hill I realize I can't see anything.
>At this point I realize I'm already fucked, nothing I can do to stop it now except pray to God
>God tells me that he never liked me anyway and go fuck myself
>Slam into the wall at the bottom of hill
>My bike stopped but I kept on sliding on my bare knees for quite a distance
>Pretty much all the skin on both of my legs from the top of my knees to my ankles is grinded off and I snapped my MCL
>Because of the drunkenness the pain at that time was rather minimal
>I decide to carry forward, I really had the munchies
>I get to the grocery store and a couple of patrons in there look really concerned
>Some lady comes up to me and says "omg, sweetie we need to get you to a hospital"
>I look down and there's so much blood seeping out of my legs, it was honestly pretty shocking
>I also notice a couple of my finger nails were ripped out and hanging one just by the cuticles

The wounds took forever to heal because they kept drying up as I was sleeping and drying to my bed sheets. So every morning I had to rip the sheets off of my legs, tearing the scabs off.

That’s not your stupidity, it’s your dumb fucking friend.

>Me, 9 years old
>Want to build a tree house
>Father helps me build a platform 16' in the air on a 100+ year old giant white pine.
>Base of tree is 6' wide, platform is like 12x12
>Once the platform is up, he hands me a hammer, a box of nails, and says "figure it out"
>Scavenge for wood, find junk plywood, 1x's, t1-11, rope, etc
>Cobble up walls, a rope ladder...
>Get the idea to make a zip line
>Have a spool of 200' of thick nylon rope- rated for light towing or marine use
>Run a length of around 70' between two large trees
>Mounted a pulley to a swingset swing and chains
>Hop in the seat, pull the spring clamp brake, start gliding down this incredibly unsafe zipline
>9 years old, didn't know physics yet
>Get to center, eye-hook yanks out of one tree
>Fall 16' or so
>Arm is stinging like a bastard
>Look over, 16D nail sticking through my tricep
>Landed on scrap wood
>Get up, board and nail are still stuck to my arm, blood starts going down the nail
>Walk inside, walk past my mother who is cooking
>"How's the treehouse coming?"
>"It's fine. Almost done"
>Walk to bathroom, pull the thing out, super-glued the hole shut on both sides
>Didn't say a word to anyone because my father didn't know I took his nylon rope
>Fast forward 21 years
>Still have a nasty scar from it

...

falling in love

>going home from pub
>had a little too much
>need to piss
>walk into bush and do my business
>walk out of bush, trip on rock
>do that awkward running fall for like 20 feet
>run head first into a wall
>pass out
>wake up with police sitting next to me
>"you ok?"
>sure officer, no problems
>big bump on my forehead
>they let me go though, stumble home with headache

>pic related, where it happened so if anyone saw me, hello

One more

>15 years old
>Neighbor lives way up the hill
>They put in a crazy bungee swing at the top of one of those massive pine trees
>With a running start, you could get 10-12s of air time as you swing out over the pond- bungee was probably 80' up there
>Everyone in the neighborhood (all 6 kids) wants to get on the swing
>Take turns, no issues right?
>My turn
>I get a running start, grab the rope, hop up, pull onto the swing
>Wooooosh down over the pond
>Start feeling this awful jerky "popping" along the rope/bungee
>Suddenly start free-falling
>Eh, at least I'm over a pond
>Manage to fall down on the one fucking rock that was poking out of the water
>God only knows how high I fell from- maybe 30'-40' because of the angle of the hill?
>Land on the same damn arm I got the nail through
>Glancing blow on the rock, arm is scraped up and has that "spongey" bleeding look like from road rash
>Rope is still falling down around me
>All of the other kids run, thinking I'm dead
>Get out of the pond, arm is throbbing like a bastard
>Walk home
>Lay down on bed and screamed into the pillow until the pain went away
>Good ol' superglue
>Never told my folks- they used to get pissed if I got injured so i just dealt with it

I see you are en Norrköpings bo as well

Dude you need to wear a protective bodysuit before you go outside

Haha yep. Was going home from The Bishops Arms.
Didn't expect anyone here to actually be from here.

världen blir allt mindre :P

That was young and curious. I had just got a chemistry set for Christmas. I put a glass test tube up my ass. It shattered. My father never took me fishing again.

Så sant. Var nära att ramla i strömmen i natt med föresten. Kulturnatten och allt, blev packad som fan.

farsan och hans fru va också ute och festade igår, galet.

Fuck off with that kielbasa talk

why while walking in the rain???

looks like you're the stupid one
please do some dangerous sports so you off yourself before you breed or hurt somebody else, my kids drive beside you man
it's natural selction

Haha var ett jävla ös ute i natt. Musik och fest överallt.
Önskar jag hade stannat hemma dock, bakfull som fan..

du va ju trots allt nära på att dö. strömmen är fin att kolla på men man ska nog skippa ett dopp hehe

Hehe japp. Ha en bra dag, nu ska jag till CiCi's och köpa en enorm kebab.

how the fuck?

vänta, ge mig din kik du verkar vara en intressant typ

Stabbed my stomach cutting corn

There was some off pieces of corn I wanted to eat, because I was drunk. Instead of choosing a new piece, I decided to surgically remove the 'off' kernals from the cob, with a kitchen knife.

I was digging into the kernal, pulling into it with all my might - and then my plan worked. The kernal was sheathed in twine and came loose - leaving the full force of my pull to drive the knife into my stomach.

It was fucked up, but I didn't feel much pain - mostly because I was drunk, and because I was in shock - I remember nearly slipping on the way to the phone, because there was so much blood on the floor, and it made me laugh.

Had to go in for a 6 hour emergency surgery. Cost me fuckloads, and now I generally stay away from any kind of kitchen area when drinking, and typically avoid sharp objects too.

>pic related, how it happened

Bring me death

Can you imagine what this is like to explain to paramedics, in your underwear; almost passing out, at 2.00am?

Har tyvärr ingen. Men ge mig din så fixar jag en tills senare.

Fuck off with that kielbasa talk

@SaarahGreen

>kielbasa
only god can judge me, fuck off

nä svenska är bra.
Bra, hörs senare.

ran down a concrete ramp after a night of heavy drinking
lost a few teeth

Hawat?

ITT: pierogies and sauerkraut

fell downstairs naked whilst fully erect, result was penis bent at an angle like this for about a day until it righted itself

I have 4 or 5 events throughout my life that has likely linked to my brain being fucked up. I will go in order..

>be me
>about 4 years old
>for some reason want to climb on upright piano to reach something on top
>decide to use this toy tractor as a stepping stool
>half way up, tractor rolls away
>I fall, my jaw hitting the dust/key cover
>For some reason I always had my tongue out a lot as a child
>I bit my own tongue in half, vertically
>had to get it stitched back together


>be me
>about 7 now
>in grade 2, bored waiting in class for the bell to go home
>start swinging on two desks using me arms, each hand on different desks
>one of the desks slides away, I fall onto another nearby desk
>my ear is split
>have to get stitches


>be me
>about 13 now
>this was before parkour was really a thing, but basically attempting that
>at a mall with my friend and his family
>try to jump from one marble bench to another
>friend makes the jump, so I think I can do it fine
>I dont make the jump
>landed on the side of my head onto the hard ass floor
>bleed like crazy
>finally make it home, dad says I am fine and doesnt want to take me to the hospital
>I still have a mark from it, a fairly large bump on my head from it crudely healing on its own

>be me
>about 17 now
>I love to ride my bike a lot now, even though I have a car
>stay up all night with friends, decide to go on epic bike ride
>my bike is a classic street bike from the 70s, really skinny tires
>peddling along trying to get energy because I am tired
>in less than one second I do a front flip and land on my head
>my skinny front tire fell down into the slot of a storm drain grate (had to rid on curb, no side walk)
>feel like shit
>call my mom, she is at work
>"dont go to sleep, you might have a concussion"
>go home anyway and sleep for 14 hours
>never went to hospital
>still have a head scar

1/2

Fake and gay

My dumbest accident?

1. flat screwdriver
2. two frozen burgers
3. 6 beers in my belly
4. sudden release while prying apart burgers
5. impale my hand with screwdriver, through and through
6. panic and pull it out
7. didn't bleed much
8. can't move middle finger though
9. go to hospital, get called idiot my laughing doctors, still drunk so laugh with them
10.get surgery for cut tendon

2/2

>be me
>22 now
>working at UPS
>trying to finish up quick one day near shift end
>at the end of the belt there is a section that rises and lowers, to fit in the back of the trailers
>I am short manlet, trying to reach one of the garage doors to close it
>jump up to reach it
>hit my head on that section of conveyor belt, right on a metal corner
>bleed everywhere
>get chewed out by management, but union kisses my ass
>I hit my head so hard that my hat had a hole in it
>still have a head scar
>Never went to hospital

>be me 13
>making bed
>lean over to tuck in sheet
>fucking dislocate my kneecap
>screaming in pain
>go to local emergency room
>mother laughing on the way there
>tell the doctor my situation
>chuckles slightly
>fuckingendmenow.png
>end up in cast for 2 weeks in crutches

Least i got a week off school.

I masturbated once, kicked my leg out when I came.
Hit my table and broke my big toe..

Not fake, but very gay, I agree.

>mfw I have done this exact same thing but instead of breaking my toe I hyperextended my knee

>be fishing
>sank a few beers
>decide to change fly
>put new fly in lips while I remove other
>hiccup
>fly gets stuck in my tonsil area
The fucking pain and terror was horrendous

At least it was your own damn fault

Broke my leg getting off the bus once. Didn't trip or anything. Just stepped down off the stairs and my leg snapped

>me peeing.exe
>friend slaps me in the head
>it pisses me off
>me turn around with intention of punching him
>he dodges, I smash metal pipe and break 3 fingers
>would do it again

What about the mushroom picker did you fuck him?

>be me
>in high school
>in band room just chilling after school, waiting for marching band practice
>see girl from my section down the hall way
>we're close friends, so she wants a hug
>so I run towards her to give her a hug
>go in for hug, hear her yell super loud
>forgot I had an ink pen in my mouth
>it stabbed her ear
>luckily it just hit her ear, and didn't go IN
>thank you God for watching over me and not letting me murder someone or making them go deaf

I felt like shit for a long time, but she laughed it off once she knew she was alright.

>not once have I had a accident while high on drugs.

Got a couple.

>Be about 11 or so
>hanging on to friend's bunk bed
>have arm in between rails
>suddenly jump off with arm still there
>realize halfway that I fucked him
>almost break my fucking arm and it hurts so bad

Another:
>2006
>be at JACON 2006
>DRUNK AS FUCK
>want to get on roof of hotel tower
>roof access locked but has an air vent that's slightly broken
>get idea to get it open
>start kicking it
>I'm wearing motherfucking SLIPPERS
>end up gashing a super-deep cut in my heel, almost nicking an artery
>end up having to get tetanus shot

Last one:
>last summer
>riding moped
>raining hard
>my back tire bald as fuck and slightly flat
>notice light turning red
>PUNCH IT
>realize I'll never make it
>slam on brakes right in the middle of oil streak
>eat shit going 50 mph
>fortunately unharmed except for road rash

Yeah, I still fucking do it tho, having some guy holding your jaw open until it feels like it's going to snap combined someone taking the hook out with surgical tweezers
>try not to move sir this is a delicate procedure

>in high school, right before graduation
>at a party, drunk off my ass
>find large piece of old driftwood that I decide needs to be made smaller for firewood
>proceed to swing it like a baseball bat at a large oak tree to break it cause loldrunk
>it breaks
>large end snaps back around and smashes me in mouth
>allstar.png
>get massive gash in my upper lip, bloody nose
>two days later have to get my diploma with a fucked up face
>never be able to grow hair where the damage was done again.

Here's another retarded one, but not my fault

>in high school, again. Junior year
>landwhale freshman gets a crush on me, follows me non stop
>keeps taking my shit when I'm not paying attention as her way of flirting with me
>last day of school before summer break
>sitting outside with my friends
>all of a sudden the landwhale shows up, mysteriously has my laptop, in its case
>waddles away when I try to grab it
>don't want to chase her cause her fat ass will fall and crush it
>notice her purse on the ground where the ground tremors dislodged it from her sweaty sausage fingers
>grab it and throw it up into the branches of a nearby tree
>make a deal with her: she puts my laptop down, I get her purse back
>ain't no way lardass is climbing this tree
>she hands it off to a friend, and I climb up to retrieve her purse
>kind of a large tree, lowest branches are about 10 feet off the ground
>steel bike rack next to it allows easy access for non fatties
>I'm up there, standing where the lowest branches meet
>all of a sudden sloth from the goddamned goonies shows up
>retarded motherfucker had some major boner for the landwhale
>he gets mad cause I threw her purse in the tree
>runs over and grabs my leg while I'm reaching for the damn thing, and tries pulling me down
>I kick him in the face with my free leg while bracing against the limbs
>he falls backwards and let's go, causing me to lose my balance

Cont

Cont

>I fall backwards, and land on my side on the bike rack, making my spleen explode
>go to hospital, get xray, MRI, etc.
>spleen is in 7 fucking pieces
>somehow I don't require surgery as there's surprisingly minimal internal bleeding
>spend my entire summer vacation in the ICU.

fucking landwhales, man.