Hi Sup Forums, i haven't pooped in 2 weeks! My belly hurts and laxatives won't work...

Hi Sup Forums, i haven't pooped in 2 weeks! My belly hurts and laxatives won't work. I think i'm gonna see a doctor in the morning, but what should i do in the meantime? I really need to shit!

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Stick your thumb up your butthole and pull it out quickly. The vacuum suction will pull any trapped turd you got in there right out while also flushing the rest of it out. Its kinda like syphoning gasoline out of a car via a hose. This is an old army trick. Life hax.

been having a shitty and this made me kek thanks user I needed that

Drink a couple of glasses of whatever cooking oil you have lying around. Should grease your shit chute quite well. Just don't stray too far from a toilet.

Follow anons advice.
post pics, for science

I can tell you what they make in hospital because my sister works there. They will Stick their Fingers in your Ass and pull the Shit out. After that they will Stick you a can in the Ass with water Mixed with laxatives and Pump it in your ass. Beside that they will search for the cause and give you a NaCl injection

Lube up a finger and start pulling that shit out-literally. If you can't feel a turd by the second knuckle you may likely have a small bowl obstruction and should definitely see a doctor who will probably order some imaging and a possible surgical consult

You guys think I'm kidding but I'm not. Every blue moon or two, I go ahead and do this because its good for the digestive track. While it is true that a larger instrument would do the trick better, if you're in a desperate situation, the old thumb in the hole works like a charm. It has the added benefit of ou being able to wiggle it around and dislodge any foreign matter.

What we usually do 'round these parts is to shove a Sharpie up the pooper and take a picture so it'll last longer.

If you dont follow user's advice, OP, this will be your future.

Hey fuck you buddy my trips of truth were without sarcasm

I don't think i have what it takes to shove a finger up my asshole

I'll try this instead, hopefully it'll work.

>don't think i have what it takes to shove a finger up my asshole
then you're unfit to live, you precious fuck
diediedie

Be careful guy, I'm not a doctor, but I play one on Sup Forums

That poor baby

Dude, its just your thumb and your butthole. No one has to know but us. Also, i recommend instead of waiting for the oil to pass through your system, you should funnel raw oil directly into your ass via enema.

Update, Olive Oil tastes like piss!

You dont have taste buds in your asshole, OP. Think with your head.

actually there are some taste buds up your butt

Also pics + timestamp to really get this thread a bumping

Maybe thats why youre constipated. You have some faggots tongue jammed up your ass.

Its either you poor the oil enema straight up your ads or your have to shit in a bag for the rest of your sad life.

At this point, they will probably have to re-section your bowel and use your fecal impactation as a bridge piling somewhere. Welcome to the colostomy club, bag-shitter.

Next time eat your veggies.

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If only i had a funnel...


Fair enough.


What, you want a picture of a glass of Olive Oil?

Thing is, i actually eat a lot of veggies and drink a lot of water, yet i always had trouble pooping.

I will timestamp a picture of my shit once i get it out of my body

I was a time stamp square on your asshole with a sign saying "Bottoms Up" next to your canister of olive oil. Just lube up the tip, sit on it, and flip your ass over.

Hopeful bump.

I can actually feel something moving in my belly, i feel like i'm pregnant with shit.

This OP

1 Liter = 32oz or a large McDonalds cup for you burgers.

Also take video, it will be epic.

>go to a sex shop

>Purchase a fat 5 inch butt plug

>Also get lube, anal lube

>Go home strip and get in the shower

>Lube up and take your time putting it in

>Hopefully you have the shower running and the toilet seat up

>Catch that Andy sixx log or let it run down the drain

>ITT let her rip

STEP 1: stop doing heroin
STEP 2: ???
STEP 3: PROFIT

You can elect to funnel coke up your ass instead. The acid will eat away at your turd and make the process easier. The caffeine will also give you the added Umph to get you through your ordeal.

Interesting, unfortunately i don't have lemon juice or lemons at the moment, i will save this pic tho

Eat some taco Bell and drink some black coffee, then green text it!

Pancakes/Flapjacks with maple syrup.

You're welcome.

Also something's happening, either the oil was poisoned or shit wants to get out of my body, because it'a starting to hurt a lot

I just noticed that i don't have toilet paper in the house, this is gonna be fun

Have you considered trying to find a transfer asshole?

Where are you OP? Did you die on the can or what?

Take the butt plug out.

I'm so vested in this thread. Will OP every be able to poop again? Tune in later to find out!

Unfortunately I didnt get here before you got bad advice. While oil will lube you up, pushing a 2 week impaction from the top is going to be painful, you should have used an irritant enema instead or manual disimpaction. If those 3 methods dont work, you def need to see a doc, you shouldnt really go more than 3-5 days, ever.

Magnesium Citrate. You can get it from any pharmacy. You WILL shit out EVERYTHING. Plan to be on the toilet for a while.

50/50 dish soap and water enema.
And as a bonus, you fart bubbles.

Go buy some sugar free candy you like. Ice breakers sours and gummy candies work well. Sugar substitute makes you shit a firehose if you ingest too much of it.

OP here, this is not good.
I'm sitting on the toilet while i slowly and painfully start to eject shit in the form of very little nuggets. It hurts a lot, and for some reason i also feel like i have to puke. My belly keeps making funny noises. It hurts so much.

Drink moar water.
Liquefy that shit.

Hot sauce up the ass will melt your turds

It probably hurts because they're so dry from sitting in your large intestine for so long.

I agree with

Come on buddy, we're all rootin for ya!

fuck the lemons, all you need is the saltwater. You drink saline, your body can't absorb it and it pours right through you.

Glad somethings moving for you. This is the best thread on Sup Forums atm, any board.

Try an relax. Your guts havent had anything scrape off the scum layer for 2 weeks, just let it flow

This will really clean your pipes.

If i try to push it hurts even more, and i can't drink any more water because i'm just sure that i'll vomit that shit out in an instant. This is terrible, but i'm happy some of it is coming out, suggest to me some good music so i can focus on something else

Get a balloon, wiggle it into your asshole, and inflate it with a pump (gives you extra control). This will expand your lower intestine and make room for the shit to pass. Also, once you feel as if you're thoroughly inflated, have some fun letting the air out. Its sure to work well as a party gag!

Can confirm, have used magnesium citrate to shit. I don't think I was in as bad shape as OP, though. It did hurt (and I got nauseous too) but I got it all out and damn it felt good

Try the brown noise. Its worth a shot.

Stool Softener + lots of water.

>suggest to me some good music
youtube.com/watch?v=saKKyBZJdQE

Prune juice, brah. That shit is nasty as fuck, but it'll have you shitting your brains out.

Eesh, I'm sorry OP. We're cheering for you though. Show that shit who's boss!
One time when I was super constipated I used magnesium citrate, a fuckton of water, and some gloves to try and stretch my asshole a little/pull some shit out. If you've got gloves, maybe that'll help? Be careful though

...

Wipe your ss with lots of vegetable oil. No joke. Its an old farm trick.

Stick some ice cubes up your ass. This will lube your rear with a safe substance while also provide you with a chilling sensation to counter balance the burning turd.

Last time I didn’t poop for two weeks I was prescribed painkillers. Just stop and let it go. I dropped 10 pounds in less than 10 minutes when I stopped because of pain. Weigh yourself before and after, post results.

Drink more water from now on, and go easy on fibers.

Use lemon juice to increase bowel movement.

Dude eat a full jar of pickles! You'll be shitting out your stomach acid in no time.

OTC painkillers or like, hospital-grade? I'm assuming they wouldn't give you opiates for constipation...

He'll become a surgeon? Nice.
I'm going to stop shitting now.

youtube.com/watch?v=ic3g8Xnf7LI

seems like OP is slowly delivering

It was ultram. I never liked pain meds. They always have made it worse for me in some terrible way.

Coffee, cigarettes, prune juice, greasy food, palpate your guts - google the correct direction to palpate in or else you'll just smoosh feces into your stomach. Also poke around the rim of your butthole to stimulate the sensation of needing to poop to get things moving, works with horses, should work with you.

opiates make constipation worse.

kek

I don't know if you're serious or not, but on the off chance that you are, please don't, salt water will either make you vomit or kill you.

>Writes song about pooping
>Plays, sings, and records song about pooping
>Animates a music video about pooping
>Uploads a video to youtube about pooping
>Is serious

I'm not shitting in a potty. I'm going to rip open that musician's sternum and shit in his open chest cavity. My steamy dump will be nestled between his lungs and over his faintly beating heart. It will be the last thing he feels... the last thing he smells.

Yeah, opioids cause constipation, don't they? Post-surgery Percocet gave me my worst poop experience in years. I'm just wondering why the hell they'd give you that for backed-up bowels

Pain sucks worse. I’m glad I was prescribed. They just didn’t tell me to take a few days off if I couldn’t shit. I figured it out on my own.

OP, find something to put your feet on to put you in a sort of squatting position, it'll help with the flow.

Wow man, you really need to poop. Watch it again

Too bad you cant poop

Not OP

this, squatting is the best to shit everything.

Grab your asshole with a finger from each hand a pull.

Doesn’t work when your butthole doesn’t.

Am taking a healthy sympathy shit for OP right now. Join me bros and focus your positive shit energy towards OPs soon-to-be-rekt asshole.

Wash hands afterwards or don’t.

RIP your colon

OP needs all the help he can get, and every little bit helps.

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True the real answer is to go and get disimpacted by a doctor who can adjust treatment and help the most. But this is Sup Forums. OP should eat more meat.

...

OP hasn't posted in a bit. Did the shit get the best of him? Are you okay OP?

Heh

I wasn’t prescribed for constipation. It was for debilitating back pain. Pills helped me through school. I could barely walk.

OP whats happening?

i think the shit killed him. thread over guys it was good while it lasted

Stick your hands up there and pull it out moron.

This whole big thread full of advice on how to poop and no one though to tell him that if you strain too hard you can pop an aneurysm.
OP will be found dead on the shitter.

Just drink a lot of booze and coffee.. makes me shit.