Hello anons and everyone! Come take a load off, talk about what ails you...

Hello anons and everyone! Come take a load off, talk about what ails you, find comfort in kind words and have a lil bit of fun while you're at it. I'm hard at work learning skills from my colleagues and today I present you with the mega load.

>Roll dubs and get a fortune (40%chance!),Wisdom the ancients, news from the moon (with spicy picture) or a random robot master power!

>AND first user to roll trips and provide a screenshot of the (you) with a contact method will get a $10 or less steam game for free. This applies until the thread is over.

rolling!

First in thread get's their choice tonight!
What power-de-dubs should I provide thee?

alright... lemme try again

WISDOM OF THE ANCIENTS, OF COURSE please

*rests eye on forehead and strains*
.......... I always get poor reception here.. but this is what I'm hearing from ancient greece...

>By all means, get married: if you find a good wife, you'll be happy; if not you'll become a wizard

Fortune pls

Hello, hello!

Roll

Rolling.

why not? We slow rollin' tonight....

>Wizards and Warriors (Knight of pentacles)
You'll find the diligence and efficiency to reach your goals through hard work and perseverance though the road may be hard.

Evening E>

86 => 68 ( o.0)b good trys

DO I FUCKING WISH IT WAS THAT EASY
it should, but I'm not sure why do I keep pushing away any single person that comes too close lol.
>MAYBE I SHOULD MAKE SOME CHANGES

Closeness entails vulnerability. That can be scary sometimes b/c of the let down one might face. I find personally it's worth the risk as long as a person is realistic in their expectations of others throughout life.

Approaching usicidal insanity
Didn't go to club meeting today, probably won't go to club training over weekend
Yelled at my dad and he called me the shitbird that I am and I feel like shit
I want to die and kill all of humanity
Rolling for dubs

that's not quite it.
I am pretty much (psychologically) invulnerable,
but I keep pushing people away so that I wouldn't ruin them.
no matter how much I want to embrace a soul, I can't let myself slip up again.

>I want to die and kill all of humanity

I know that feeling. I don't really care about humanity. I just don't want events to keep occurring if I'm not around. So it'd be nice if my death caused the end of the world.

the world ends with your death.
there's literally nothing going to happen after your conscious perception ends.

*hugs* What club are you in and how come you didn't go?
>Shitbird I am
Well... I'm not sure why it's appropriate to use that language to your child in the first place, but (for the most part) people aren't inherently good or bad, ... can do bad things, but can also do wonderful things

>slip up again.
I feel with you on that one. I've hurt people too.... but life's challenges aren't about the problems we cause, but how we handle them. Conflict is inevitable, but the point is handling it well. How did you handle this last "slip up"?

interesting PoV... I mean.. at least for now I'd like things to keep going, so plz no kill... real talk though, it sounds like you'd be jealous that others get to keep going and maybe have something you don't after you died (not judging, jealousy is as common to me as anyone else).

Thanks

>it sounds like you'd be jealous that others get to keep going and maybe have something you don't after you died (not judging, jealousy is as common to me as anyone else).

That's right. Well, before I only wanted to die, what I really wanted, the first thing I wanted, maybe the only thing I've ever wanted, was everything. All that exists in this world, all knowledge, all power, all objects. But no one can ever have that so I'd rather die and have nothing.

Some politics club, I spent all yesterday trying to drink away my bloodlust and suicidal anger because the internet wasn't working to numb me and the noises from outside kept getting louder
SO I didn't even go to classes today or the meeting I was supposed to go to
He didn't literally call me a shitbird, he just (rightfully) said I was shooting down any attempt to get help because all of the options he gave I've done before to no avail or involved me giving up my rights (being put in a mental facility and having my fucking guns taken) and he didn't give me any better options so I said there's nothing to be done and he said I just want to wallow in shit and enjoy the despair (which is true) but he also didn';t give anything better
I'm always fucking up and it's gotten to me, I'm not sure how long I can keep this from killing me

I didn't handle it at all. I just let it unfold and see what happens.
it was, as usually, my ex. I left her enough "gifts" within, that after we broke up she just broke off the leash and gone
apeshit fling style to the point where her family considered locking her up into a mental institution for a while.
a year later she was already pregnant trying to lock down a poor unlucky fucker that thought it's a good idea to trust her.
she spiraled way down the spiral ladder lower than the last floor went, lost the child, lost her friends, lost family support, started doing drugs and "living the life" which was more like a miserable dance of a torn up rag doll.
and all I did was sit there spectating the show.
and it was all because on one certain day she, being a being of pure joy and happiness, met me, and decided that it's a great idea to fall in love with me. our relationship lasted 3 years.
I'm a pathological manipulator and an ace liar. given enough time, I'll spin anyone.
I got the looks, I got the charisma.
I did find a way to live a life without hurting people for my amusement.
but one of the parts of the deal is - never let anyone come too close.

I'm not sure anymore what kind of person would it take to keep me grounded.

mmm, such is the plight of humanity.... to always want for more. Might I suggest appreciation rather than desire? I've found life more fulfilling and less anxiety producing if I learn to appreciate what I have.... not giving up on wanting, but taking time to admire the things i worked for or were given to me. It's a simple thing... sure, but it's also so outside of human nature it's hard to do.

>drinking to numb pain
Oh boy... I won't even say it... obviously it's the only thing you feel like you've got now to do that. I bet you've heard plenty say how they feel about drinking to numb things...

Sounds like your dad cares about you. What all kinds of things have you tried? Inpatient at a hospital isn't the only level of care. Mind you... you also have to be open to trying, otherwise everything will fail.

>which is true
I know that feeling. At my best I understand I'm choosing to wallow in despair instead of trying, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do differently when I feel that way... I would say understanding that is a good first step.

Have you attempted to change these things about yourself (or do you desire too?) You sound like you understand it makes life difficult for you and others. I guess I could say I admire your resolve to not hurt others... but at what price?

hello hello miss Satori! I hope your day has been well!

It's... umm, been a day... the last few days actually have been kind of trying emotionally, but it's all for a good cause and something I care about deeply. How about yourself?

oh no ;~; I'm really sorry about that! I hope it works out soon

>Might I suggest appreciation rather than desire?

I've appreciated the hell out of a lot of things. I think I've gone as far with appreciation as I can go. And I have to give up on wanting because no matter how small a desire I allow myself to have, it'll quickly build itself back up into wanting everything. So it's more like an on/off switch for me. I can either want everything or have no desires. For me it's better to just not care about anything.

I'm sure it will. I won't let it work out any other way *sigh* there's that control thing again I suppose...

Sounds interwoven into the very fabric of your reality then. Have you sought professional help with this before?

No dubs in this thread.

It's not the only thing I've got, but it's the most immediate and most effective at moving forward in time very quickly which is often the best thing I can do at the time
And I know he cares but my problems are very violent and if I try any sort of psychiatric care, they'll be legally bound to jump to that level
I can't dance around my extreme anger or my suicidal thoughts and expect to get anywhere because that's dishonest and wasting their time

Of the things I've tried it mostly has to do with the environment
I worked very hard in highschool to do well in school so I could move in with my father but looking back the ability to do that had zero to do with my performance and that's another thing I struggle with since nothing has adequate physical reward for me, I do well I feel nothing, I do poorly I feel shitty, etc
But anyways I worked (in my mind) very hard to get away from my mother and the house I grew up in because she was a useless parent, my sister was and probably is still a druggie and I got out of there. Things went well up until college when he kicked me out to go live with her and that hell again, then I got kicked out of my church and a bunch of other shit happened to where I'm at where I'm at now
Simply put I guess I've tried getting away from my shitty environment and I've always ended up knee deep in it again no matter how far I run
I've also done SSRIs but those are shit

it's okay to want some level of control! but sometimes you need to realize what you can affect the outcome of. unfortunately your endgoals and decisions may not align with the people making the final decisions, and it's up to you to accept that

Nah and I'm not gonna.

Can you strip naked and show pictures of your collarbones.

Roll

Wise words... one's that would come from my own mouth from time to time. Thanks E>

IKR? ( o.0)

Fair enough. just keep that as an option on the table is all I ask. A good, I repeat GOOD therapist may be able to help with that... I seem to be plagued by tales of friends with subpar therapy attempts and when I ask about therapists I get less than great answers....

eh?! Why?

2s... almost look 7s... well at least with my bad handwriting...

Sounds like a lot of resentment.... can understand the anger. Part of overcoming that is learning to forgive those who wronged you.... now that doesn't involve letting them back in your life or trusting them... it's a moving on process.. forgiveness is for you.. not the one that hurt you. Same with regrets...that's self resentment... got to learn to forgive yourself, and you can't do that without understanding yourself... the merits the flaws... everything. You are pretty good at that already it seems.
>SSRIs are shit
I mean... yeah they can have no effect, great effect, side effects.. but they are all different and there's also SNRIs (Wellbutin/Buproprion) and old tricyclics to try as well.
The ugliest part about mental health is that it takes time, effort, and patience ... which is hard... much harder for those who need change in their lives...

>A good, I repeat GOOD therapist may be able to help with that...

Eh, I was friends with some therapists once and in a moment of weakness I thought about getting professional help so I consulted them about it. Their opinions pretty much aligned with mine in that there probably isn't much that could help me, as far as therapy goes. Maybe they were wrong but I respected their opinions as well as my own.

Sky I want to kill myself. What's the best way to do it?

That's probnably true, I am pretty angry at a lot of people but it's like every time I try to approach forgiveness I find that those people not only don't want forgiveness they genuinely wouldn't even know that they did anything wrong
I don't know, all I ever wanted was to be cared about and loved wholly and I saw that in romantic love but I'm discovering that that shit isn't real and even if it was I don't think it would change me from the shitty person I am, I would just hurt the person who loved me
That illusion being broken is kinda why I'm approaching this edge of sanity, there's nothing that will unfuck my being and there's no point to me existing beyond other people's enjoyment at my further suffering
One of my last shattered fantasies before this hellish phase began was actually of satori because she would involuntarily sense the anger and rage and general upset mania as it welled up and tried to calm me
It worked for a few nights but I just stopped thinking about it because the screaming and the knocking began again and I just drank myself to sleep or something similar
I don't think anyone can help me and that's turning from a cry of pity to a terrible realization that is scaring me and I don't know what to do about it

Old age.
Natural Causes.

Get a gun

Well.. it's not something I throw around in thread often, but I'm a therapist. LPC specifically... I'd like to think I'd have some good jumping off points on where to start working... maybe I'm wrong, but maybe I'm right. All I ask is you keep it on the table before you entirely give up. One never knows until they try.

I won't advocate suicide... sure it's always a person's option... but there are endless options if one takes time to ask, learn and try new things. Suicide is the option of last resort, kicker is that this is almost never true b/c of what I said above.

This person here E>

Fuck it roll

I mean this is the real roll

i was kidding this is the true roll

LETS GOOOOO give me that fortune

I'm on fire give me a super fortune

>Well.. it's not something I throw around in thread often, but I'm a therapist.

I know, that's why I come to your threads and speak as frankly as I do. Anyway, therapy is off my table unless I survive a suicide attempt.

>they don't want it or don't know they did anything wrong.
This is probably true. BUT, again... it's not for them... it's for you. You learn to feel pity and sympathy for those that hurt you.... when I worked in the prison system treating felony drug/alcohol offenders they would say often

"pray for those who hurt you, not for your pain" Advocating that those who hurt you are in need of saving and that you are strong. I'm not religious, but the idea is the same pretty much..

Ah, western ideas of romantic love.... thank you Disney for ruining the idea of something that is real by distorting it. I'd strongly recommend looking into real research about romantic love starting with the Sternberg model.

>screaming and knocking began again
What's this you speak of?

you still get something for the dubs even if I don't agree E>

ooh you get two things!

Oh!? you knew? I see, do I know you outside of here?

as for the suicide attempt thing.... well it's backwards from what I'm asking.... I have no sway over you. I just want you to know I have hope for you, you have good insight.... something I value sooooo much in clients...

>ooh you get two things!
Wait that isn't my fortune is it, If so i want a refund on my digits or i'll bite

>Prime evil Pentagram!
Be wary of blocking yourself off from opportunities. You have potential.

*channels the moonbun* "moon turnips are so much better than earth turnips, they'll make you fly temporarily"

>Za waruudo
Inner peace and the end of a cycle approaches. Celebrate your accomplishments and prepare for new beginnings!

>Oh!? you knew? I see, do I know you outside of here?

No, I just hang around and I've seen it mentioned before.
>well it's backwards from what I'm asking...

Yeah, I know. That's why I said it. I don't think I'll ever legitimately attempt suicide so I'll be fine. But if it ever happens and if I survive the attempt then I would have to admit that I don't really have any leg to stand on when it comes to refusing treatment.

roll

>*channels the moonbun*
>moon turnips
You better not by playing me for a fool, We both know there aren't moon turnips. I'll warn you I do have a sword.
>Inner peace and the end of a cycle approaches
But what if the cycle ending was a good thing.

>Sternberg model
It's probably too late for me to unlearn all the shit I know, especially since I know a lot of it is wrong but I can't force different scenarios upon myself to grow to like and trust people
Besides, even if I could, it's just so contrived and false so it wouldn't actually change anything
It also doesn't help that my parents we absentee up until I was pretty much already a man, having been raised by entertainment and my own imagination
My fixation on love was poorly placed and I see that now, and you're right about didney and all its subsidiaries in that department, if they hadn't been around and a romantic spin wasn't placed on everything so fantastically maybe I'd be a more well adjusted person or maybe I'd be even more insane
That said I',m past the point of being able to trust what I read, especially when it comes to research since I've seen academia up close and it is an ugly place full of falsifying documents, spinning whatever narrative you want and a bunch of other corruption so I don't think that would convince me of anything really

The noises are why I went crazy, my sister was on meth for years and as such was up 24/7
Every moment I tried to think to myself or fantasize or try to go somewhere to cope, like in romantic fantasy, I would just hear the banging and screaming and movement and noise until now, years later, it's all I hear when I have a moment to myself. It's why my fantasies are shattered, I only get so far before the noises break them up and I get angry or manic or break down and cry, the last of which is the best because then at least I can go to sleep

I see I see. A rock bottom feeling is the motivation point for you. I'd rather see no one have to go that far (rock bottom that is, not specifically suicide attempt), but I can't argue the effectiveness of that level. I'll keep my hopes up for you that if rock bottom is the only motivator that you either find a less... umm, final rock bottom or motivation elsewhere. Time will tell I suppose, but if you've been around these threads long enough I'll keep an eye for ya.

*flattened*

ugh.... Reisen... no get out of my head... how even....

"THEY ARE TOO REAL, JUST VISIT THE LUNATIC KINGDOM"

*shivers* so forceful....

That's a lot to take in.
1. Don't self determine you can't change something without trying. You're only limiting yourself.
2. Academia is hit or miss. Part of my coursework involved understanding how to tell good research from BS and understanding reliability & validity. It does take a measure of faith regardless since it's someone else's word.
3. I'm not a fan of what disney did yeah...it stripped life of all the other meanings...
4. F43.10: PTSD... I'd wager money on that. An SSRI wouldn't be enough medication wise to treat all your symptoms and provide relief even temporarily I would also wager. If you were to try therapy again (which I still advocate... maybe b/c I can't give up on people and trauma is my 2nd love, relationship therapy is my 1st) you'd need a trauma specialist.

>I'll keep my hopes up for you that if rock bottom is the only motivator that you either find a less... umm, final rock bottom or motivation elsewhere.

Nah, I'm an all or nothing kind of guy. I know that that's not a good thing but it's what I am. Anyway, I just want to keep living my life in the way that works for me. As long as nobody gets hurt, I see nothing wrong with that even if it brings me suffering. I'm fine with any outcome that gets me, even suicide. But if I go that far and if I survive after that, then to me it means my way of life ends there and I'll have to find another one.

>Reisen
>Reisen
She owns me a fortune, I'll kick her butt for this.

>when I worked in the prison system
>treating felony drug/alcohol offenders
You got any tips on how to cut back on drinking.
For what ever reason when i drink i have a hard time stopping and just want to get drunk and stay there. I can go days or weeks without needing any or shaking and feening, So i know i'm not addicted(that's what they all say) But i do tend to over drink until i passout, The worst part is most people don't know how drunk i am because i can still talk walk and am easy going and in a good mood when i'm drunk.

>PTSD
Probably, how do I get to that point without being locked up first?
I don't mind spilling everything about me here because it's as anonymous as you can get and it doesn't really matter but I keep running into the problem of people telling me "yeah get some help" but in the year 2017 nobody knows what that "help" looks like just that it's out there and is in the hands of some MD who charges $200/hr to bullshit around
I mean I don't expect everyone to know everything but it should be something like replacing a part on a car, google or search up where it is on the car, what tools are needed, and how to do the damn procedure. And yeah not everybody has an engine lift or whatever but the process is out there and public and not some fucking sorcery spoken in unpronounceable syllables
What do people even do for this kind of shit

Sky

I may like this girl, I'm not sure yet.
I've known her for quite some time, she's gained a reputation for sleeping around but hasn't slept with any of my friends or me.
Today I found my heart beat heavy and she was on my mind a lot, this was after I talked to her and saw a picture she took recently. It wasn't anything dirty or whatever, if that is relevant.

I dunno, I dunno how I feel. I like this other girl who I'm sure doesn't like me but then this happens today

Mmm, best of luck. Really. Hope to see you around in the future maybe with news that things found a way to improve.

I will let her know!

Hmm, physical dependence is formed through long term exposure to high amounts causing withdrawal symptoms when stopping.

Psychological addiction is when a person can't/won't quit because they face something they'd rather run away from. I'd start by asking myself this.

>If I don't drink today, then [blank].
That inability to stop my stem from wanting to not feel something, not think about something.

Also, there doesn't sound like theres an incentive to stop. If no one notices how bad it is, then they can't help hold you accountable. So you may need to let others know you're seeing some behavior you want to stop.

Also... as with any drug, alcohol *can* destroy a persons life regardless of physiological dependence. I'm not gonna soap box and drugs are bad mmkay, but personal experience has shown me so many lives that have been destroyed it's hard to ignore.... take it seriously, for you, for me, for those who would have stopped if they could.

Well, honestly it's so hard because not only is every person different, every therapist is different.
Also, MD's do charge a lot, and medication is a bandaid... it won't solve underlying issues... it can help in the process by removing symptoms that prohibit recovery, but an actual therapist that sits and talks with you, understands you and accepts you as you are, but works -with- you to help you achieve what you want, that's what you need.

I'd say start by looking into group therapy ala a PHP, partial hospital program. I think it may fit your immediate needs, but for long term care I'd call your insurance and ask about specialists in trauma. They are just as required to be confidential as I would be.

>Hope to see you around in the future maybe with news that things found a way to improve.

Unlikely, if I do come back, it'll be with a different problem. I've got tons of them and it's a lazy way of masking my identity.

Roll I guess

oi!

*nods* Sounds like you have an initial attraction. I'd say go for a date or talk to her. It's not like it's a contract, and if this other girl doesn't like you... no reason to beat around the bush. If she sleeps around.... so what? As long as she's faithful too you...theres far worse things than having sex. Good luck luv.

Ah.... well all my statements still stand.

And now I'm away to prepare for work. Shower, eat, do my hair, get dressed and maybe.. nap for 30mins since I'll be up all night.

If you dears need to contact me for anything you can do so at skyden13162@gmail

G'night all.

I guess that's my biggest problem with trusting people is that I know whoever it is is doing it for a check and, given the opportunity, would save themselves and countless others before they'd even think of me
Buying something like that makes me sick when it's a complete lie and makes me want to hurt them and push them to the point that they admit they're a fraud for trying to deceive people like that

Group stuff might be better but I'm just going to compare myself to them and talk about shit I ought not to or always feel observed by them and thus never talk about any of this shit while at the same time judging the shit out of them and their insignificant viewpoints
Just thinking about it gets me riled up for conflict, just like everything else does

Well, yeah. I have no problem with her sleeping around it's just.... I'mma be bluntly honest, since I'm user anyways. I haven't had sex yet, I'm still quite young and inexperienced. Since she's much more... experienced I don't know how that would play out. I find a romantic first time much more appealing but in the end I don't care TOO much.

I also don't know how she'd view that, she's slept around a lot and for fun so I feel like the experienced might be taken lightly or the like