Sup Sup Forums, had a slow and painful breakup with my ex recently, and I need some advice...

Sup Sup Forums, had a slow and painful breakup with my ex recently, and I need some advice. She went through some really crazy and traumatic shit over the past six months or so, and we had some tough times as a result, so we gradually grew apart. She pretty clearly still loves me, but she just seems like she's not capable of expressing it. Kind of just seems completely devoid of emotions in regards to her previous hobbies, job, and everything else in her life, so she told me to move on because she's not capable of giving me what I need.

She completely flips almost day to day in terms of how she treats me, one day being sweet, then next being bitter and uncaring, and whenever we'd take breaks, we'd come back to each other, and she'd go on about how hard it was being away from me, and how she missed me so fucking much, and all that.

Anyway, she said that if I date other girls, she wants me to tell her, and I'm not sure if I should or not. I asked her why she'd want to know since we're not together, and she doesn't know if we'll get together again, and she said "I’d like to know in case anything ever happens between us again I guess".

To me, this looks like she's just trying to keep her hooks in me so she can keep getting the affection I give, while having to give nothing in return. I desperately want to be with her, but I'm not going to tolerate being treated like I don't matter anymore. I feel like I already know what to do, but just need to know if I'm just being fucking stupid, either way.

TL;DR Do I tell my ex who I still love and want to be with when I date other girls because she asked, or do I just never speak to her again?

Side note: I may be taking a cute chick from my old job out this weekend.

If you really do want to be with her you should give your best shot at telling her how you feel and how you don't want the relationship to be one-sided. I also think that if your girlfriend needs some kind of professional help if she hasn't already got it if she's devoid of emotion.
I wish you good luck!

Yeah, me telling her how I felt was "Too heavy" for her recently, so that kinda backfired. As for therapy, I tried getting her to go for nearly two years now. When we took a month long break or so, she said she went once, and planned to continue going for me, but just stopped. I assume she lied and never went, but just wanted me back.

Bump, need some advice to clear my head of this shit, because it's driving me fuckin' nuts.

1. Never stick your dick in crazy. Your first responsibility is to you - if the relationship makes you feel bad overall, it's time to leave, no matter how she reacts.

2. if, overall, you want her to be part of your life then you have to put up with her shit and help her get help for her obvious problems, until 1. above.

Yeah, I get you. That's why I finally put my foot down and told her I wasn't dealing with it anymore. Might give it another shot if she changes what she's been doing wrong and gets help. What about the telling her when I date other girls? Would telling her serve as a kick in the ass to get her motivated to change, or would it just serve as a vindication to her for acting so shitty?

>What about the telling her when I date other girls? Would telling her serve as a kick in the ass to get her motivated to change, or would it just serve as a vindication to her for acting so shitty?
If you're with her, don't cheat. You can't expect anything from her if you are untrustworthy. Leaving "....for a bit, just to show her" will NOT work and will fuck things terminally.

If you do decide to leave then it's none of her damn business. But leave is leave - it's a relationship, not a revolving door.

That's the thing that's making it even harder to date other people. She doesn't grasp the severity of what she's telling me to do, and she thinks I won't, because I know it'd hurt her so much. There was a previous time when she lost her shit and said she never wanted to see me again, and that she fucking hated me, so I left for about 2 weeks, no communication with her. She ended up looking at my instagram and saw the pictures I was posting, how I looked happy without her, presumably, and she came back, swearing up and down she'd change.

Honestly, I want her to get help so she'd calm the fuck down, but I can't force her, and I'm past my limit of dealing with this stressed out, unloving monster she's become.

>saw the pictures I was posting, how I looked happy without her, presumably, and she came back, swearing up and down she'd change.
And yet she didn't. And yet you took her back. And yet you're thinking of doing it again. And yet only a fool or a madman thinks by doing the same thing over and over again you'll get a different result.

You've been through this once before. You know what will happen if you do it again.

This. If you want to make it work, stay, but make her go to counseling with you as a condition. I've been where you are within the last 4 months. Don't live in limbo. She will meet you halfway or you will find a new ass to put your dick in.

Fuck, I wish I could convince myself you're wrong. At this point if I ever did consider staying with her, it'd have to come with proof that she got therapy, and continues to get it.

Tried about a dozen times to get her to go. Offered to pay, offered to go with her, or let her go alone, all of it. She's so stuck in depression that she can't bring herself to do fucking anything but sit lay in bed all day before and after work.

Sounds more hassle than it's worth. Speaking as someone just the wrong side of 35, this is the kind of shit that I went through that I should've just walked away from. Ultimately not worth it. Forget about her.

My brain tells me you're absolutely right, but god damn it's tough. Any advice for keeping my mind off her? Do I meet other girls? Get drunk? None of the shit I did when things like this happened ever helped.

Yeah it's tough. In my experience hitting the bottle just delays you getting over it. Keep busy as fuck, not necessarily other girls but just keep yourself occupied and your focus on something else and off her. Don't let yourself wallow. You'll be fine, fella.

Guess I'll give that a shot. While this shit's happening I just have no desire to do absolutely anything that I enjoy. One of my other main fears is that I know for a fact she'll come back, and unless it's real far down the road, I don't think I'll be able to say no to her coming back into my life and fucking me up again.

My situation absolutely same. At first I chose "ignore option" you have and date one pretty girl for a while. In 2 month I told everything to my ex, and we started being friends. One month later (today) I broke up with my new girlie cause now I know the thing - if you are dating somebody for too long (4 years), you can't just broke up cause you are mentally attached to person you call ex. And buliding something new is not so easy, as you though before, and your new girl is good, but not really better then you old one. Idk what to do now, but answering your question - doesn't matter.

I know exactly how you're feeling m8, and when you're in a situation it's difficult to see beyond it. All I can say is, when I was in that situation years ago, I look back now and I'm pissed off at the time wasted because something better always comes along. Unless you relish the hassle, If I were you, I'd move on.

Yeah, I feel ya. During a time when I told my girlfriend we were done because she wouldn't fix shit, I stopped talking to her for five days, and in that time, a cute little Asian coworker reached out to me and wanted to get to know me. Long story short, she fell in love with me, and it started this fucked up love triangle once my ex came back into the picture, because I didn't know what to do about either, so I was honest with both of them, and it was just a disaster.

I fucking hate the hassle, but honestly, if she could get back to who she was before tons of crazy shit happened, I'd gladly wait the rest of my life for her. That's the only thing that's kept me hanging on, being supportive through her bullshit this long.

Yeah, it's a big 'If' though. They never do seem to go back to being who they were.

the process and symptoms you described are descriptive of major depression

major depression being the actual diagnosis not a colloquial term. If she's gone through traumatic things and is unable to recover emotionally to being who she was, that's what antidepressant medication was actually intended for.

The fact that people get and stay on antidepressants is not what they were formulated for and not their intended use despite extremely widespread use in that way

I suggest she see her doctor and describe her symptoms, indiciate she's interested in taking antidepressants in the short term.

If you aren't interested in helping her medically overcome this difficulty, and it makes you feel the way you have expressed to be "hooked", then no you do not need to tell her if you're seeing other girls and that is not a reasonable expectation on her part.

Unfortunate reality, but I know you're right.

She's always had really bad depression, and has been on antidepressants since before I knew her. She's seen doctors several times, especially since one of the traumatic things she went through was a really bad car accident, and they don't really do anything but offer to increase her dosage, if I recall. I tried asking her to change her medication, or find out if something else might work better for her, but she's convinced she doesn't need to change anything about it, despite that it's clearly not working. I absolutely have tried and offered to do anything and everything in regards to her medical issues, but it almost seems like she refuses to take responsibility for any of her problems to fix them.

I guess the reason I even considered telling her if I date other girls is because I subconsciously hope it'll scare her into realizing that she's actually on the verge of losing me, because she acts like I'm not being serious when I tell her I really will see other girls.

>but it almost seems like she refuses to take responsibility for any of her problems to fix them.

The only realistic way forward for this relationship for you is if she's willing to take control of her life. A good way to do that is diet and exercise, trying to become really physically healthy leads to better mental health naturally.

Otherwise I have a grim view of prospects in situations like this. People shut down and sometimes you can't turn them back on.

If you're going back and forth like this your relationship is likely over regardless of the fact that you seem to feel that you have the upper hand or the power to decide, which isnt always true

The tell me if you're dating thing is a trap. It lets her stay the good guy in a break up, and keeps you on the leash in case things go south for her.

If you date someone and don't tell her, she eventually finds out, and you're a jerk for running off with someone else, because you couldn't hack her emotional needs.

If you date someone and tell her, you're rubbing it in her face, and because you got over her, before she got over you, you're an ass.

If she starts dating before you do, it's only because she hadn't seen you for however long, and you drifted apart because you didn't make the effort to stay in touch, and now you have to deal with it, because he makes her so much happier than you did, and you should just be happy for her.

She's put the ball in your court, so that whatever happens, it's your fault. The only way out, is to make it her decision again. Say you love her, and you want to be with her, but it's not going to work unless she starts to deal with her shit. Say you'll be here to support her, but only if she goes to counselling, and keeps going. If she stops going, or refuses, then it's her decision, and you walk away. This way you said you wanted to make it work, and it was something that she needed, and would benefit her. It's now her fault if everything breaks down, and she will have to stop all the self-pitying victim hood bullshit that she's currently getting high on. Don't play her game.

The problem is that she just lays all her problems on me, aside from the wreck. I know that whether or not she's trying to, she's playing emotional games. I told her repeatedly I wanted to be with her, and I'd wait if she just needed time, but she just plays both sides of everything I say. I brought up that she didn't didn't want to be with me, and she responded by saying "you're leaving out the part where I said right now." Then, in her next fucking sentence, she'll say that she's not sure if she'll ever want to be with me again. It's the wackiest fucking thing I've ever seen. Like, you say you can't be with me "at this point in time" like later she will be, then she says she doesn't know if she ever will be at that point again.

I feel like my best move is to just leave, and if she decides to try and come back, just don't take her back unless she REALLY fucking busts her ass to make it work for once, since I'm the one doing all the work.

>The problem is that she just lays all her problems on me, aside from the wreck. I know that whether or not she's trying to, she's playing emotional games. I told her repeatedly I wanted to be with her, and I'd wait if she just needed time, but she just plays both sides of everything I say

Okay, I've been really medical-provider like in my advice

here's my real advice considering that. as a 35 year old who has been through many women and is now extremely successfully settled with a very great one

ditch her. There are endless amounts of negative and manipulative people in the world don't worry you will find more. behavior like that doesn't ever stop dude. it just doesnt ever stop.

I appreciate your input, friend. One question though, what do I do when looking for women going forward? I know all the signs of a manipulative lunatic, after dating several of them, but this one had no warning signs, and horrible life related stuff turned her into the very thing I had avoided. She was not a manipulative person, and I know she wasn't just hiding it. I watched her slip into a horrible depression and it changed her, so as far as I'm aware, there was no way to avoid this happening, as she was quite literally my dream girl in every regard. Now that all the hard stuff happened in her life, she just... broke.

Do I just avoid all the red flags as I did before, and hope that bad things don't happen to ruin the next great girl I get? Just chalk this one up as an unfortunate loss?

Yep. As the previous mid thirties advice -giver, I wholeheartedly agree. Get gone.

Murder suicide is obviously your answer

Don't let her put it back on you. Tell her what the deal is. What you will tolerate, and what you won't. Anything else is a deal breaker. Don't get into a discussion about how fair it is, or how you don't see it from her side, or know what it's like. Just 'Babe, I Love you and I'll be here for you, but only if you deal with these issues. I NEED you to book a place with a counseller by the end of the week, and you have to see them within 3 weeks. If you don't go, or don't see it through, it will break my heart, but I'll have to live with it, and move on, because I NEED this to change. I want this to work, and I want you to get better'

If there are any objections, just restate the whole thing. Do this as many times as it takes for the message to get through. Do not bend, do not cave, do not make concessions, do not attempt to find a middle ground. When she realises you won't change your mind, she will probably start crying hysterically. This is an irrelevance, and must be ignored. If she doesn't do it, walk away! You have to stick to what you've said, or this will never end! Say it and mean it, and all things will be resolved one way or the other.

Op this sounds like a mental disorder. Possibly bipolar or paranoid schizophrenia.

Run. It'll only get worse.

every girl seems like your dream girl when youre young. you dont want to hear this but every guy acts the same way

your dream girl is a girl who had major depression from the start? for one thing, avoid that

and real talk? no quality girl drinks, smokes, does drugs, etc...get one thats relatively serious minded and wants to make something of her life. thats my advice.

the quality of bitches massively drops if they go to clubs or bars, go to parties, have a lot of friends etc...

She's putting her hooks in you.

Be supportive, be a friend but don't allow her problems and your common romantic past dictate your lifestyle.

If things go sour and she starts hating you again and starts having suicidal toughts just put the last nail in the coffin and tell her you're dating again for the giggles.

Good luck OP

Honestly, I've already done that multiple times, and she told me multiple times after she came back she would do it. This time is somewhat different, in that she's openly telling me to move on from her. At this point it seems like I genuinely make her unhappy, given she's not able to deal with responsibilities of a relationship. It just seems like the needs of someone else weigh her down because she can't even care for herself. For a while I thought she might be cheating on me, but how she talks about people... She just seems like a run down, scared child.

That's the thing, I was with a girl for seven years, and I was never 100% positive I wanted to marry her. I know everyone says the girl they're with is "the one" but being genuinely honest, this one WAS different, because for once I wasn't going to settle. I was fine with her having depression from the start, because she laid it out from the beginning what it would be like, and what she said ended up being true, and it wasn't bad at all. She didn't drink, she didn't smoke, she didn't do drugs, didn't party, and had clear and concise life goals, and a plan to achieve them. Like I said, this one just fuckin' broke, man. It's crazy.

Thanks bud. I'm honestly considering just telling her I'm dating and that I don't want to talk to her again, just to sort of force myself to end it, even though it'd suck.

If you've made the ultimatum clear, and she hasn't done it then walk away. You've made it worse for yourself, because you kept going back. You made the ultimatum, she dropped her end of the deal, and there were no consequences, you still came back. You folded, and so what you say doesn't mean anything. She doesn't take you seriously, or believe what you say, and that's mostly your fault for not sticking to your guns. Cut your ties and walk. If she doesn't respect you, or what you've said walk. Don't tell her shit about dating, or even if you will tell her about dating. Don't call her, or take phone calls from her, because it will just suck you in again.

I don't know why I'm typing this, or why you're asking on here, because you're going to be her bitch forever, until she's done with you. I gurantee you will end up talking to her again, and trying again and being fucked around by her, because you believe everything she says, and she doesn't respect you or what you need.

Walk away and mean it, preserve some fucking dignity. That's what you should do, but you won't.

I'm kinda in a similar boat. Except my gf is pregnant. Since she's become pregnant she's just become so emotionally distant it's unreal. I'm obviously going through a lot with this pregnancy too and she doesn't take anything about how I feel seriously. It's almost as if it doesn't matter since it doesn't affect her. It's putting a very serious strain on our relationship. And I'm trying my absolute best to be patient and supportive but my God is it wearing down on me. It makes me short and bitter with her sometimes when I don't want to be.

This is the best course. You will be either problem free or on your way to having her fixed within a month. Stick to it though.

Gotta just sit her down and try to sort it out calmly, before it gets to out of hand, man.

Yeah, well as I mentioned, I tried that several times, and it worked for a little bit before she slipped back into being the lifeless husk she is now. Just gonna force myself to bail no matter how bad it sucks.