ITT

ITT
You give me a topic and I try to write a stand up bit about it.
Nothing political or overly topical.
No premises.
Just give me a topic and i'll try to come up with a premise.
Other people, feel free to jump in and try.

vending machines

What’s the deal vending machines right lol I mean why do they just take money? Sometimes I just wanna shove my cock inside of it hahahahahaha

Premises:

- Vending machines are the laziest food distribution system known to man.

- They should make vending machines for services.

- If they had vending machines for people...

- To vend is to offer something for sale, but people using vending machines are not vending anything, they're buying shit. That seems wrong. or i'm misunderstanding the definition of that word.

op here-
joke:
If you fucked a vending machine who is servicing whom?
What if that's how sperm banks got started? someone saw a vending machine and was like oh i've got some shit you could sell alright

A magazine is like a vending machine with like a really long wait period.
A magazine/the internet is like a planet sized vending machine.

A woman is like a vending machine, you put in a lot of money and semen and in the end you get something you really don't want that isnt good for you

next topic?

taking out insurance

what do you mean like take out food insurance?
or like buying insurance?

buying an insurance policy

- shopping for insurance is really like gambling about how bad your life is going to be.
- there should be insurance insurance. like its insurance for if your insurance ends up sucking.

- you can't really buy an insurance policy. you're actually just renting it.

- buying an insurance policy is actually just plotting off sections of time where some bad shit can happen to you and it's like relatively ok. That's bullshit. it's like you're saying to the universe "hey. don't fuck with me around these times, wait until i lose my job or miss a payment"

and the universe is like "will do."

i like how people from the south say insurance.
they say it like
INsurance.
everyone else says inSUREance

people from the south seem like they're trying to emphasize that they've got a guy who's got an in,

everyone else is like i'm sure it'll be covered.
thing is they're both wrong.
insurance should be called
isn't covered.

next topic?

any of this stuff sound good at all as premises, other person contributing to this thread?

the Moon

I liked the first comment

Prettt funny actually. A lot better than I expected tbh desu

Cars/auto

child porn

I'm pissed the moon doesn't have enough gravity to have an atmosphere. That's not even a joke that's just something that's been burning me up inside.

Because if it had enough gravity to have an atmosphere we could just send up some animals and plants and have them shit and stuff and eventually we'd be able to live on it, but because there isn't enough gravity, sending animals to the moon to have them fart and stuff would just be a waste of time.

what the fuck happened to automobiles that they started to be called "cars"
someone saw the word automobile and was like let's abbreviate that, and someone was like cool. how about "auto" and they were like
fuck that
let's call it a car.

- child porn is the only genre of porn where society has collectively gotten together and been like ok this is too weird.
and really there should be a lot more genres of porn that society should really just agree is too much.

... that's a good premise.


- all porn is child porn if it's a kid watching it.

everybody loves a good rape joke.

this is fun. i'm surprised i'm the only one trying to write stuff with these topics right now tbh i thought there'd be more people trying to come up with premises

gamers?

OP I've made a thumb for your next thread

fuck those are hard to write. but ok.

premises:

- trespassing and rape are the same thing
- writing rape jokes, much like the act of rape itself , should really only be done by professionals

- one time i meant to say, i taped her mouth closed but i accidentally hit r instead of t so i said i raped her mouth closed which doesn't make any sense but it also accurately describes what happened, albeit in an unexpected way.

this is awful

9 out of 10 people enjoy gangrape.

- people talk about gamers as if they're lazy. i think that's bullshit. people who think gamers are lazy have never played rust or minecraft, because yeah gamers don't move around a lot physically, but they spend a lot of time gathering materials... idk theres something there. decent premise.

- i can't wait for esports to be a bigger thing. i think it'd be funny to see esports in the actual olympics. people thought it was a big deal when they added snowboarding and they were like ok but you cant drug test the snowboarders.... well if they add esports to the olympics.... idk.... good premise.

writing jokes often means writing a ton of bad stupid things that arent funny in order to come up with a single thing that is.
no shit it's bad.
try it though. it's fun.

lol

>esports
>performance enhancing drugs
Would or should weed be considered performance enhancing?

have you ever smoked weed? it would be performance dehancing imo. a stimulant like adderall would be performance enhancing.

Yes, it makes my hyperfocused when I'm gaming. The difficult part is getting focused on the right thing.

School assignments

thx dood

there you go. finally someone getting in on it.
that's great.
i feel like you should try writing a joke for it. I could do it but i feel like you're on the right track i don't want to take your inspiration. keep going with that though. post here i can help

i have never met a student who likes doing school assignments and i have never met a teacher who liked grading them
so if neither of the 2 parties involved in school assignments like them, why do they exist?

that's like... i don't like eating duck liver; and ducks don't like having their livers eaten. the difference between me and teachers though is that i solve the problem at the source and just don't eat duck liver. i also dropped out of school.

what else can i say, prospective employer? i guess you can call me a problem solver.

I'm no good at story telling. The only thing I could think of is something like competitive Minecraft survival mode:stoner edition. Might see some creative builds and all, but that isn't very funny to me. Feel free to give it a shot. I have my moments but I'm no comedian.

dude whatre you talking about
"competitive Minecraft: stoner edition"
as an olympic sport is hilarious.

shit man that's a great topper.

like

i can't wait to see esports included in the olympics- but the real question is, what games should be in the olympics?
a lot of people would say "starcraft" or "league of legends" or "dota" or shit, but those are all stupid olympic sports.
i want to see Minecraft as an olympic sport. but only minecraft as played by people who are wildly stoned.
...

you've got a decent joke structure right there man you made the pieces you need help putting them together. what would olympic stoned minecraft look like?
how would it be judged?

writing jokes is really just about coming up with a topic and asking questions about it

>School assignments

What is all this homework preparing kids to actually do?

What job interview is going to be like "So, every day you're going to do fifty minutes of math, and hour and a half of biology, and then twice a month I'm going to need a summary of a book we both know you didn't read".

Nah, that's not how the world works!

If homework actually prepared you for the real world it would go like this.

"Okay class, sometime between now and the end of the semester I'm going to slash one of your tires, so you get some practice changing a flat. Oh.. and it will be on a weekday morning at 5 AM because that's just when flats happen.

Okay, time to turn in your life skills quizzes. Oh, and by the way, only half of you will get credit, that's just how the world works.

Okay... semester project time. I need you to procrastinate for the next three months, then snort some adderall and give me twenty pages on a topic of your choice starting twelve hours before the assignment closes"

that's fucking awesome.

i like the "what job interview... didn't read"

and the life skill quizzes thing is a great idea.

we alll love Grape
there is 1 big Problem u have to be funny and we need to be more i cant be the only 1 carrying on this show

that bit is basically done tho. all you have to do is tell it a bunch in front of a mirror then tell it a bunch at open mics and try to figure out how to tell it. maybe come up with some toppers for it.

Comic con

until this guy

i was the only one brainstorming jokes/premises in this thread. and those jokes seem like they're already done.

we're not trying to write finished jokes in this thread we're trying to come up with premises and starting points.
when i started it i was just trying to come up with more stuff to write about.

>you've got a decent joke structure right there man you made the pieces you need help putting them together.
Maybe I do need help, although I still don't think it's that funny, a bit childish maybe. But maybe it's a start.

>what would olympic stoned minecraft look like?
Maybe it would be given as food without the contestents knowing they were getting high. They would just start playing, munch on some snacks, next thing they know they're wasting in game days watching the sun and moon fly around so magically.
>how would it be judged?
I guess there could be a few ways, either who lives the longest (or dies the least if not Ironman), or if has to fit in a time slot, then maybe base it on survival skills or something? If it's competitive then it would have to battle Royale style, so maybe add a mod where there are massive zombie hordes at night. Watching stoners react to that for the first time would be a hoot. It might also force them to be coop for a while at first then backstab each other later. It would have to be enjoyable to watch at least.

I'm joining in because I felt like it. You make your jokes and I'll make mine. This bread was getting a little dry anyway.

comic con.
the one chance for nerds to get laid.

i wonder how many babies have been made because of that fucking convention. probably a lot.

i wish i'd been to comic con so i could come up with better stuff than that i know nothing about it tbh

New topics:

Camping

Hotel rooms

Drinking

Cooking

let me try and an psychedelic like lsd would be the performance Performing and joke go like KNOck
Knock
...Who knocked
oh i knocked
or Forgot to knock
.....when i stand stand next to Under then is under next to stand understand

Like Mitch Hedberg's early years when he would shoot up before the show and then nod off mid performance.

try not to judge your thoughts as harshly. you're doing great.
who is your favorite comedian? how would they talk about it?


k

you can only go camping if you have a place to live. homeless people cannot go camping.

staying in a hotel room is like camping without being outside. some camping places have cabins that you can rent and that seems bullshit.

i suck at cooking. my goal with cooking is just to be able to eat what i've made at the end of it. thats it.

damn i need a break.

that was the heroin tho

i actually did that last tuesday kind of. i microdosed and then went to an open mic without any material. it went about as well as you'd expect it to go

You could do one about the entire premise of writing comedy.

Like... writing comedy is hard, especially nowadays. I spend days, maybe weeks, turning all my life experiences and funny thoughts and anecdotes into jokes for this show, make a few hundred people laugh.

Then I get done, I go on youtube, and a cat slipping off the edge of a counter has twenty million views.

That's it. The machines have officially replaced us. I am only one one thousandth of a percent as funny as a cute cat video.

>try not to judge your thoughts as harshly. you're doing great.
Thanks for the support

>who is your favorite comedian? how would they talk about it?
I don't really have a fav, but for this particular subject matter I think Dave Chappelle could make it work.

this is retarded but honestly better than I expected it to be

keep it up, funnyman

The camping one is good. Could spin it into "homeless camping" where they come to your house and live in luxury for a few days "just to know what it feels like".

that's a good bit. it reminds me of how stewart lee talks about farts.
you should keep going with that. what're some other videos that are stupid funny that you could talk about?
the cat video is a good example, but if there were a more detailed and elaborate example, you could explain the video and it'd be funnier i think.

thanks dude!
yeah and then like... what would THAT be called?
we call having a home and then going into the wilderness without the home camping,
but if someone lives in the wilderness, and then takes a vacation to the indoors, what's that called?

i like that. i'll work on it.

i used to go camping a lot then i quit Cod tho really go outside....
Big mistake
i am i anti survival specialist ... u want someone to have an unforunte Camping accidant, i would be your man. to have it
but because i know off my weakness i bought a selfbuilding Tent Boom a big 2mx2mx4mTent stands in the Nature... Tents tentent to swallow the human in the to keep him them warm like luke skywalker survived in hoth.
now we take care of the Fire
1.sr gather burn material
2.just gather the woode on one spot
now we start to burn it
>look at THOOOSSSEE these sticks are so last Year
>U the only emploee goin to lose the job when done right
.As this fire burn and preper food as real surviver you have to search for the right spot and stay wait have take a good look around look for easy to see objects or some simiar like a street and now we can easiely oder 1 Pizza
so we hunted for good conction to the food
the only and most importans thing to do is get drunk and Next time go to a Hotel