Feels depression thread

feels depression thread

get it all off your chest Sup Forums, you've been holding it in for too long.

Feeling depressed cuz my skeleton are catching up to me. Really wish I can start over.

Lived in a rural town for most of my life, up until i was about 22 actually :/ Never had any real social experience (My school consisted of about 10 people) and i was home schooled for the rest. I've now moved out but i'm a complete social outcast, I don't know how communicate with anyone.. I'm pretty sure I'll be alone for ever and i'm coming to terms with that at the moment. It's what ever though, life goes on.

green text?
I'm here for you user.

I was home schooled since 5th grade, started training at a mma/bjj gym and people are already starting to remember my name/want to partner up with me, hang on Sup Forumsrother! theirs always hope!

what kind of aspirations do you have for the futures? job, school etc?

op here again, gonna slowly dump, im drunk and listening to some sad songs that remind me of my live.

...

...

Graduated high school this year and on gap year because I didn't know what I wanted to do. Got interested in art but I had never drawn in my life. I try doing it but it turns... well not shit, just average. I have been trying other things too but I am just so average at everything and I can't really bring to focus myself on anything. I do have a natural affinity for programming and I am quite good at it but I don't know about it since it requires math to go with and my high school math grades are average too. I really don't know what I am doing or going to do. Help.

First semester at college and I've basically failed every class, just feel like a useless neet who can't work towards anything.

I lived in a really small town so there was never any work, But I'm pretty good on the construction side of things; like welding,metal fab,tiling,brick laying and stuff like that. I've got a job working at a fast food place but once again, I'm failing because they have me working in customer service and i'm completely clueless how to deal with people. So it's just a matter of time until that falls through.

I lost one of my rats recently and I really loved him. I've been wearing sunglasses at work to hide my sad expression/tears from customers and my bosses alike.

how'd you learn how that construction stuff?
ever think of moving to an area that needs those skills?

I'm sorry to here that, soon I'll be losing one of my dogs, it's always sad to lose a pet, stay strong dude.

better then me, I dropped out cause my X who i still love was going to that college and i couldn't handle it.
what degree you trying to get?

>28
>live with parents
>highschool
>quit the only shitty job i had because i was tired of my boss abusing me (verbal, phyiscal, sexual)
>dealt with it for 4 years
>already had behavioral issues
>slowly grew deeper into depression and gain anxiety on top of it
>dont know how to drive because too much anxiety
>want to change but my depression brings me so low and convinces me that i cant change
>have amazing bf
>deals with my issues like a champ
>i should be happy
>unstead just beat myself up more for dragging him down with me and letting him down when he tries to cheer me up
>my brain tells me to kill myself daily and its getting worse
>though my anxiety kicks in because of afraid to die
>in a constant battle with my own mind


Its getting real hard Sup Forums

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When does it all work out? I seriously don't understand how people keep moving forward.. I'm currently in uni but nothing seems to be motivating. I don't understand how people feel happiness ever. Anytime I start to think about good memories there are only really distant ones. I've cried myself to sleep most nights, I can only stay motivated for a few days before things get bad for a few weeks. How do I pull myself together? I tried taking St. John's wort but that didn't work I don't think. Everyone in my family is ashamed of me, how do I not be such a disappointment, how do I be someone respectable who can manage? How do I be happy?

Meant to say
>highschool dropout

> Be me
> Live nowhere anyone else
> No friends comes to visit me as a child
> Raped twice at 7 or 8 years old
> Constantly bullied at school
> Think about killing myself every day from 5th to 10th grade
> Never know why I didn't shove a knife through my chest
> Had it in my hands more than not
> No girls would talk to me, looked at like I was poison or something
> New school
> New people
> Finally making some friends
> Guy from old class start making friends with them as well
> Guy was one of my only friends from that class so i didn't care
> Suddenly everyone in my class hates me and bullies me
> Goes on for a couple of years
> Found out that fake fuck was the one destroying my life from 5th grade, because he was jealous on me for God knows what

Cont.

I was raped when I was 7 years old. I remember telling my father that I had sex with the person and they were like wtf and I got grounded. Didn't really understand what happened till later on. After that in high school I did drugs and got caught. I now work full time and go to school part time. At work people love talking about gossip and talk shit which just makes things stressful. School sucks and takes forever. Business admin major. Then I got my gf upset at me. I wanted to end it all last night. I had the knife right up to my chest but then decided on one more night of dreams. I had a dream someone said it will all be over soon. So here I have now decided to see what happens as I play video games.

> Get a job
> Get semibullied
> Got sick from stress and so on
> Start looking for bullets for our rifle
> Can't find any
> Think about hangman
> Can't even fucking tie a knot
> Congrats.mp4
> Got a girlfriend
> I'm 21 now
> Life somewhat smiles
> Goes to a new school
> Mom gets cancer, an agressive braintumor
> Gf makes me think ahe cares but she doesn't
> Classmates are okay
> At least some of them cares
> Mom dies about 1,5 years later
> Find out gf doesn't really care
> My friends in class freeze me out
> Gf and I arguing more and more
> Was arguing from the start, but now it's intense
> We break up
> Found out that she was lying and cheating while with me
> Heartbroken, I thought until I found out I didn't miss that lying cheating whore, I missed someone..
> No girls wants to talk
> After 23 years of life I start giving a fuck about everything
> Drinking and wasted almost all the time
> Suddenly a wild girl appears
> Like eachother
> Nervous about sex, because rape and last gf was the first and only
> Fuck it up
> She doesn't mind
> Still likes me
> Become a pair
> 25 now
> Live together with gf
> Both studying
> Doesn't want to kill myself anymore
> Probably will do if she leaves me

Somehow it worked out

Trying to go for computer science, didn't even get accepted into it so the only class I needed to pass this semester was calculus, which I basically failed after like 2 months. I don't even think I should try for it anymore since I'd need to go all the way up to calc 3 and that thought just makes me want to drop dead. But idk what I'd want to do if I chose to drop it.

IMO follow you passion, don;t make the same mistake as me, i make 65k a year but i fucking hate my job.
i'd recommend going to a community college first and taking a few higher math/programming classes first to see if you really do like it, and if it's for you get your gen ed done at community college and then transfers to a better school for whatever programmer courses you need,

Forgot to add
> Lost my grandfather when 5
> Grandmother at 11
> Other grandfather at 15

And
> I'm an only child or what it's called

My father. Plus most of the men in the area are the same, I've moved to an area that needs it but they are looking for people younger then me, with a full license and 2+ years experience.. i have the experience but i can't prove it. So i'm kinda stuck atm but I'm sure it'll work out :)

My father died two weeks before my 5th birthday. Grew up with just my mom and little sis. It forced me to grow up real fast, by the time I was 10 I might as well have been 40. Mom did her best but raising two kids by herself and juggling work and a dating life was really hard on her. She didn't have to work initially but she felt so bad that my sister and I were now down 1 parent that she spent a lot of the life insurance money on nice things as if that would make it all better.

The fallout of all this is that I've always been really mature for my age and socially I'm crippled. Grew u0 in as few different places, all decently rural and never went to local schools always private. This meant all my friends lived far away and so it was always difficult to spend time with them. I don't know how to talk to people I don't know, everybody tells me I'm very intimidating but once you get to know me I'm actually very lovable. I'm basically a big teddy bear but since I scare the shit out of most people I never get the affection I crave.

All I want in life is to be loved, I just want one person to love me unconditionally, someone who has no reason to but chooses to anyways. I had a girlfriend for a year and a half and while we were together things were amazing, I've never been happier in my entire life. Eventually though she began to hate me, she would see me and just could never talk to me, shed text me all day (relationship was long distabce, met in high school but she lived in Hong Kong and went to college two hours from my college) about how she wanted to talk to me about somethin,g, then finally we video chat and she can't say a damn word and gets all sad. It killed me , inside I wanted to die because all I ever wanted was to make her happy. I have this awful tick where if the people I care about the most are happy than so am I. Eventually I couldn't do it anymore so I broke up with her, she cried and cried and begged me not too. (1/?)

My wife is a professional, as am I. We keep having to move to new jobs because she can not keep her attitude at work in check. She is fine most of the time, but if she senses the least little tiny perceived threat or challenge to her AUTHORITAH!, she gets a shitty attitude, and it does not go well for her. Over time, it builds up, and finally, she gets an 'unvitation' from where she works, and we have to move. We've done this three times, and I told her that the last time, was the last time.
Well, its happening again. And I'm in a quandary. I don't want to move; we builtt a house, I have the land and shit that I want, and that's that. If she gets uninvited from here, I think I'm going to just tell her, good luck.
I love her, but I am not going to keep following her around because she can't fucking get along with coworkers and clients, when others can.

What would /b do?

my mom have cancer and she's all I have

...

Cont.
Eventually she convinced me to make it a break so I gave her six weeks. I said "let's stay on break for six weeks, we'll come back together in six weeks right before thanksgiving and we can talk things through, but you are not happy and I can't take it any more. If you really value this relationship then I encourage you to fight for it, give me everything you got other wise I don't think it should continue." Fast forwards six weeks and we meet up and the 3rd thing she tells me is how she met a guy on tindr and fucked him but now he won't text her back and she's pissed because they were friends before hand and she doesn't understand why. This broke me, for weeks I couldn't eat or sleep and just now I am getting back to being able to function without thinking about how much I miss her. I've turned my sadness into hate, something I have a lot of. Hate is my currency, my resource, I have so much I've built armor out of it, I've built an entire fortress that I sit in to protect myself from the terrors of the real world. Every time I think of my ex I think about how I wish I could torture her, make her feel the pain I feel. It's sick but at least it dulls the pain I guess. It's ironic, all I ever wanted in life was love yet here I am with nothing but hate and anger instead.

Women don't want me, I've tried asking other girls out but the response is never even a direct no, I don't know what the fuck it is about women this days but no one wants to give a straight upo answer to a straight up question. Even though I have awful crippling anxiety about talking to people, especially girls, I always ask a girl out in person. I think it's just because of the way i grew up i believe that it shows the girl a lot of respect you know? I respect her enough to say to her face that I would like to get to know her better. I don't want to hook up with some one, I don't want emotionless sex, I want love and that is something you have to build with someone. (2/?)

At least at my uni (picrelated) you can get into a decent CS program without much (if any) experience. Plus, you can add a liberal arts degree on top of that, if you want to go in that direction; it's all integrated really nicely

You're young, there's hope

Cont.
But no one wants to take the chance and build it with me. Instead every girl I talk to fans up ghosting me until I have to ask her friends and make a massive fool of myself to get a straight fucking answer. I believe that the main reason for this is I don't party on weekends, I know I'm in college and I hate drinking alcohol in large quatites and I detest everything about parties, fucking weird right? I hate them because everyone is so shallow, no one wants to talk about anything even mildly interesting, it's all just complaining about work loads or professors, or I think even worse, talking about how much they drank one time trying to one up everyone around them on who drank the most. A lot people too will compla8n about how shitty they feel from the previous night of drinking and talk all day how they aren't drinking tonight, they want a nice quirmet night in so they can recover, and then within a few hours they're shit faced again. It baffles me because I always say to them, "staying in? Awesome let's have a fun night together you and me, we can play video games, watch a movie, relax and hit the sack early, trust me it's more fun than you think" but no one ever takes me up on my offer.

I just feel so alone in life, hung out to dry by everyone. I know so many people have it way worse than me, I've got a roof over my head, college taken care of (thanks dad) and so much more, yet I feel empty inside, I would trade everything I have right now just to feel whole again, even for a second to feel loved. To wake up with someone laying next to me, holding me tightly and whispering into my ear how much they loved me. I know I sound like a fag for wanting all this but I don't give a fuck because that shit feels good, better than drugs, better than anythig in the whole world that shit feels so good.

I've always been taught to treat others how you want to be treated, show kindness and love and it will be shown to you, but I never seem to get it. (3/?)

Cont.
I tell all my friends on the weekends to call me in case anything happens. My biggest fear is someone being sexually assaulted because guys these days have no respect for the women around them. What's worse is most of the time these girls give them no reason to respect them anyways because the just sleep around anyways. Funny store one girl literally sucked off one guy in his bed (he's top bunk) then went down and fucked off his roommate and then went next door and sucked off both neighbor's too before returning and fucking the first guy. As fun as that must have been for her she has lost so much respect from these guys because she just whored herself out to them, when she finally doesn't want to do that what is everyone supposed to think? Oh let me respect her wishes now because she that was so important a week ago? A kid I now only in passing raped a girl and i want to beat him so bad but my school kicks you off campus instantly for fighting so all my friend have had to convince me not to. Basically what happened was this girl hates this kid but she was wasted, completely black out. Her friends wanted dick so instead of taking care of her just abondend her to her own devices, this guy swoops in that she hates so much and next thing you know she wakes up in his room wearing only a t shirt of his in his bed.

I feel like I could prevent all this but no one bothers to call me, I always leave my phone ringer on and wait but no one ever calls me and says hey, we need you to take care of someone. I have this awful complex where I feel the need to protect others but now that my little sister is grown it's hard to do that I feel like I'm without a purpose.

I feel so alone and I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea that I may be alone for the rest of my life. The kicker to that being all I've ever wanted was to be a father, be the dad mine didn't get the chance to be, who knows maybe I'll just adopt and be one to someone who doesn't get a dad. (4/5)

Cont.
I know I have time and all that bull shit but it doesn't change the fact that I feel empty and alone. My gave is the only thing that keeps my legs moving me forwards, it keeps my heart beating and stays my hand from grabbing a knife and slitting my wrists or finding a gone and pulling the trigger. Only time will tell if I ever find love and get rid of this hate but God I wish it could be soon, sometimes I feel my anger running out and I start begging for death but then, I swear it comes from some kind of spring that has no bottom because as I'm getting ready to end it, it bubbles up with such force Iim ready to fight anyone who comes my way.

Sorry for the long post and no green text, I'm a lurker here mostly so I barely even know how to work the damn thing. Thanks for making this thread though OP if you're still here, i admire you for that. You're helping all of out by giving us an outlet and that's more than it seems I've ever done despite my best efforts. Who k owe maybe one day I'll finally find someone who wants to do the same things I do or even better, a girl who wants to drag me along to all the parties and shit I hate and make me love them. Of course that shit only happens in the movies, and life ain't no movie.
(5/5)

Don't worry, I nearly failed uni. I don't strictly think it's for everyone.