I need to get some feels out

I need to get some feels out

>I was the middle child that always got ignored
>mother dumped me off to live with my grandma and great grandma when I was 8, other lived there alone with them until my other brothers were dumped one by one over the following two years
>spend majority of the time with great grandma watching movies or cooking
>great grandma has an brain aneurism when I’m 11, and is hospitalized for almost a year.
>when she comes back home she can’t walk on her own, and had to slowly regain her memories, but she vividly remembers me by name and starts calling me “her savior”
>I get left with the task of taking care of her for the remainder of my childhood. No more doing anything after school or on weekends other than sitting with her, helping her walk around the house, and cooking for her(she could use the bathroom by herself once she got to it)
>as her functions came back, she started singing a lot, she always sang before, but this was much more frequent
>there was one song in particular that she only sang when she was alone with me, and she always cut it short
>when I asked about, she said “it’s an old nigger song”
>when I was 15, she went in for a surgery to fix the indents in her head, but never came out.
>two years later by random change I’m watching showboat
>old man river comes on, and I recognize the lyrics almost instantly
>I pay attention to the lyrics, particularly to where she cut off
>tote that barge, lift that bail, get a little drunk and you land in jail[cut] I get weary and sick of trying, I’m tired of living, but scared of dying, but old man river just keeps flowing along
>I come to the realization that the entire time she was telling me she was miserable and wanted to die, but didn’t let anyone else know besides me.
> her insistence on getting that finally, unnecessary surgery, was an attempt to kill herself
>no one else in the family believes she ever sang that song because she never did around them

:/ everyone's got their fair share of misery, don't they?

You could have killed her
would you have killed her if you could go back?

And how are you now OP?

It’s true, but it eats me up more than anything.
My family never stopped ignoring me, and with my father having abandoned me as a toddler, she was the closest thing to a parent I knew. She treated me poorly on several occasions and I felt more like a servant most of the time even when she was well, but that’s all I know of parenthood.

Probably not. I would have most likely pussied out. But she always told me “you need to get strong so you can carry my casket when I’m dead” and my family refused to let me carry the casket because I was a great grandchild, and that job was for the children and grandchildren

Well my relationship with my family has only grown worse and worse. I will probably never speak with either of my brothers again. I went to college and have a fairly decent job as a marketer, but I live in California, so it’s still pretty tough to afford housing even with twice the minimum wage full time.
I’m better off than a lot of people, but I never stopped feeling alone. I constantly surround myself with women or with friends to try and not be lonely, but I’m always scared and worried when someone isn’t around. I have a constant urge to be speaking to someone, anyone about anything.

I just don’t want to feel lonely anymore

I know the feel, user. What is it about your friends that make you feel lonely even around them?

I don’t know. I just always feel empty. I never show this. I always push myself to talk the most, I constantly joke, I do everything to seem like I’m having a good time, and sometimes I am, but a lot of the time it feels hollow. But just being around someone helps me forget everything, that’s all I seem to do, try to forget the pains of the past

And I know I annoy people. My text messages are too long, and I always want to talk or hang out. Several of the girls I’ve dated in the past brought this up as “quirks” they thought was unique and either liked or hated, but I can’t tell them it’s really me trying to run away from myself. I can’t tell anyone that.

Story time I guess.

>be me
>"raised" just outside of Nashville,TN
>Parents have always hated the prospect of me getting a job/growing up in any way that counts
>Since about the time I was 7 my parents have been abusing me mentally if not physically
>At 14 my father put me in a chokehold against the wall and I blacked out, my sister says he almost killed me.
>My sister was the only one that cared about me, and now she's gone
>I'm now 19, and my parents won't let me leave home or get a job
>I have no real life friends
>I've never experienced love
>I hate my life and the only thing that makes me happy is playing vidya with my friend Josh
>I want to run away but I don't have the money or a car
>So I just sit here, looking at memes and playing vidya

Go join the military. sounds like it will be better than what you do now

Where did your sister move to? Why don't you move where she lives.

She didn't move, she got killed in an accident.

I've considered it, but i'm not the type.

Height and build of both you and your father?

You live out on a farm? If so, go somewhere isolated and start working out, pull-ups using tree branches, if there are any soft trees, use them as punching bags, look up informative videos and blogs on how to fight, do this for a few years, while your father is ageing and growing weaker, you will be growing stronger, when the time is right, bash him and take his car, then fuck off outta there, live on the streets if you have to while making money any way you can (Legally of course)

they take all types, in all different branches. your so cucked into being a basement dweller, you don't know what else to do.

That's dumb

Nigga life aint an anime

id probably suggest op should kill himself before becoming a dog

Doesn't mean you can't learn how to fight and bash your dad once he's old


Simple. Kill them when they're sleeping as painfully as possible. Any legal charges will be worth disposing of two shitstains