Times you acted like Larry David

Times you acted like Larry David

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every moment of my waking life

today I confronted a black guy, obviously a drug dealer for blocking the sidewalk with his car.

this life is not fun

>It's a stupid people trigger user's autism, but instead of keeping quiet and taking the pragmatic non-drama approach, he gets into a prolonged, shouty argument about semantics and justice

yeah a couple of times

Flushing a toilet in a public restroom at a movie theater.

Christ it was fucking loud, louder than any other public toilet I've been at.

Someone was standing very close behind me at an atm.

...

I made an awkward joke to a customer about drinking too much cider. He buys a 2L of alcoholic cider every day. Now he never smiles in my store.

I once got into an argument with a waiter about what is an appropriate tip. Every fucking month the number goes up 5%, I swear to god.
This fucker is trying to tell me that 25% is the new standard when just not to long ago, 10% was the standard.
This shit is insane.
>butbutbut my hourly wage is shit
Fuck off, you make like 6 times the amount the cooks make through tips.
Christ, I hate waiters.

My girlfriend caught me watching a porno and so when I was at my buddy's house I tried to finish watching it there (just because I like to finish what I start) and then his girlfriend caught me and told my girlfriend.

hahah

Any waiter that's going to argue with you over their tip deserves 0% and a pink slip.

I still cringe when I think about it.

so I am in mexico. I love caribbean mexico. it is cheap and beautiful and a 4 hour plane ride away.

so I go to one of their parks. it might have been the mayan ruin on the coast but I am not sure. anyway, I go to the beach and play in the water a bit, put my sandals on too early, and end up getting sand all in my nice leather sandals. this was the 90s and they were doc marten sandals.

so they have a bathroom at this park, but you have to pay to use it. I love how socialist countries are the most capitalistic. so I give the man a dollar and go in to wash off my sandals before I get back into my rental car.

the man comes in and tells me I can't wash my sandals in the sink. I say ok, give me back my dollar. we tie up the line and give tourists a show for like 10 minutes arguing in my broken spanish and his broken english.

I got my dollar back though.

...

>receive invite to party
>i can already hear the curb music automatically start playing in my head
it doesnt even matter who is throwing it i've just been conditioned to be this way after so many horrible larry david moments in public with other people
i never knew other people noticed this before i saw that ep

Recently? Past weekend I walked up to someone in the bar I thought I went to high school with and said "He user! user? Aren't you user?" while he just stared at me with a very annoyed expression, not saying anything, until I awkwardly walked away. Then for the rest of the night he was just at the other end of the bar and I tried to avoid coming within 20 feet of him.

i am larry david ama

what's your favorite anime

>go on tinder date
>chick turns out to only have one arm
>bring up a long a conversation about godzilla movies and how the arm size and function really differentiate the godzilla designs among the various movies

Denise Handicapped

How will Trump's presidency affect the next season of Curb?

Unintentional racist moment where I talked about this black kid turns out a black person nearby heard me say black and mad dogged me like i killed someone.

Also many other Larry David moments in my life, pretty sure he's my spirit animal

who the fuck gets mad at someone for saying black?

I went to a charity bluray sale. £1 each. Picked 3 movie's and went to pay.
"£3 please"
Handed her a £10 note
"oh that's very generous! Thank you "
I stared at her for a good 5seconds, then demanded change.

I ate a bagel this morning.

That's perfect, you being in the right and the lady making an assumption and hopefully standing by her mistake

ITT people who did nothing wrong

Felt Curbesque, I swear I could hear the music playing in my head as I walked away.

She just stood there smiling after taking my money, my inner Larry definitely thought she was trying to get away with it, but realistically she probably just believed I was being generous.

I got the opposite situation, kind of
So I was in the hospital with my dad waiting for our turn and then a disabled guy walking around with a sign saying that he is deaf and mute, and he is selling some toothpick(?) or something that very trivial i can't recall. You just get one or how many you want, and pay how much you want kinda like a small donation/charity
So I took one and gave him 5 dollars, then hold up 1 finger signaling that I only need 1, because the whole point was to give him money not buying whatever the shit he has. He thought I mean that i only want to pay him one dollar so he pull out change and give me back 4 bucks.
I was confused for a second and then try to explain to him but the man is mute and fucking deaf, so I just sitting there like a dumb faggot with people around. Not sure if anybody was staring but goddamn it feels really uncomfortable.

it's not truly larry unless you do it accidentally but then defend your actions after someone else notices and calls you out

My little brother is mentally handicapped, and occasionally he has a friend or two over, on this particular day Mikey was over. Also on this particular day I was going to hang out at the river with a friend, Jules. Jules shows up like an hour early just to shoot the shit and raid my mom's fridge. He grabs him a bowl of leftover gumbo and sits down on the couch which is situated right next to the front door. Right then Mikey comes out of my bro's room, "Hey user, My mom is coming to get me, can I wait outside?"
"You're cool, Mike. See you, later."
Mikey doesn't really sound special or look special and except for the fact that he's like 6'1 asking for permission to wait on my porch you might be hard-pressed to pick him out as a special needs kid. Like Jules.
"Hey...Is he...?" He half whispers.
I'm sitting on the other side of the room and can see out of the still open door and I gave Jules a look that meant shut up, but he misreads it for confusion. So again he half whispered, "Is he retarded?"
Before I could even think of any kind of reaction, Mikey who just stopped in the doorway asks, "Who?"

>go to breakfast place
>bill is like $7.57
>hand cashier a $20
>"do you want change"

Are these people fucking kidding me?

yeah i guess you are right. but honestly i think most people irl won't bother that much to get into argument with stranger, or meddling into people business like the show unless it is something serious
which of course is what make the show funny

Is there a part 2 of this when mikey went berserk?

>small greek restaurant in my town with my friends
>order at the counter
>sit down
>food is ready after a while
>go up and grab it
>eat
>go up to pay
>friends each pay cash
>no issues
>pay with debit
>girl on the register starts to ring it through
>asks me flat out if i'd like to leave a tip
>either look like an asshole or save money
>reluctantly give $2 tip on top of a $10 bill to someone who did nothing but push buttons

Over 100% tip?
Fucking triggered

when did Larry David lose his virginity?

Literally every day. I am a hypercritical smartass who is self-destructive and I probably fuck myself over more than others fuck me over.

there was a horribly fat fuck in one of those hoverchairs who cut in front me and of a 6-person line at starbucks.
i was next and this guy swerves in front of me and heaves out, "do you mind?"

and i say "yeah i do mind, and so do they"

*crickets*

my autism kicks in and i blurt out "well what do you got?"

he ends up throwing this diabetes story at me and how he's lost ability in his leg and its been a nightmare. the guy proceeds to order a venti caramel frappucinno with a straight face.

i get called a jerk by the qt barista.

the way i see tipping is all about the service
let say you went to a massage parlor, the price is listed up front obviously but if the masseur did a very fucking good job then you can justify tipping him/her even more than the normal price of the massage, especially if you have money

serving food is never worth tipping that much, those cunts did less work than the cook

>be in 7th grade
>attracted to some big titted chick in gym
>playing dodgeball one day
>she sneaks up behind me and steals my ball jokingly
>later in the game i try to do the same
>come up behind her and as i try to grab the ball i accidentally grabbed her boobs
>she mildy freaks out while i try to apologize
>she walks off and gives me the middle finger
>never speaks to me again

It again an accident :*(

why, when he was 16 like a normal American, of course. why user?

n-nothing.
then I guess I have nothing in common with Larry David, haha!

are you balding?
if you are then congrats
but i hope to god you're not

>Go to movie theater alone
>Get there early to pick the best seat (that one smack dab in the center)
>Eventually, the whole place fills up
>Both of my armrests get taken up by the people sitting next to me
>Lights start to dim
>Lean over and see the guy on the very left end of the row using both arm rests
>The bastard on the right end is also using both arm rests
>Start motioning to each of them to give up an armrest, and tell the rest of the people in the row to my left and right to shift from the current armrest they're using to the other one
>People shh me
>The guy sitting on my right spills his slushee on me when he got up to go to the bathroom
>I was so happy. I finally got an armrest

>got there early
>didn't take both of the armrests

I paid for an $8 lunch with a $20 and the server didnt bring back change. They assume that most people are nice and won't say anything and pocket a sweet tip. Fuck that, I told the bitch to bring me my 12 bucks

>Go to friend's party
>Chad is doing some little party tricks, and asks me for a dollar bill
>Only have a $100 bill, reluctantly give it to him
>He folds it into a bow tie, parades around the party with it, telling me he'll return the money at the end of the party
>Scoff and say to this cute girl, "Can you believe that prick, he's waltzing around with my $100 bill!"
>Get to talking with QT about our jobs, find out she works at the Holocaust Museum
>"Oh that's cool!" I say
>"What about the Holocaust could you possibly find cool. Ugh, you antisemites disgust me."
>QT throws drink in my face
>Try to find Chad at the end of the party to get my money back. Turns out he left earlier with that QT.
>Run into Chad two weeks later, and ask him for the money.
>"Oh, I wondered where that $100 came from. Couldn't remember what happened that night, so I donated the money to charity."
>"Chad, who did you give the money to?"
>Walk into Holocaust Museum, see QT at the front desk
>"Hi, I'm here about the $100 that Chad donated. It was my money, and I'd like it back."

Restaurant owner here, I'd kick your ass nigger.

They're trying to see your code.
I'd square up.

would be funny if there wasn't the same fucking joke told slightly different and funnier in the previous larry david thread

*busboy

...

>buying laptop from an office supply store
>I am pretty much the only person in the store
>only 1 checkout, cashier is busy on the phone and cant check me out
>after waiting 5 minutes or so she comes over, I hand her the tag for the laptop
>she walks back into the locked cages to get my laptop
>takes another 10 minutes for her to find the fucking thing as it was a clearance laptop
>as she is walking back with my laptop I remember I need some blank DVD-Rs
>I run and grab one from a display maybe 20 steps from the checkout
>checkout lane is one of those single file lanes with a barricade or a rope to keep people in single file zig zag line.

>i walk into the "exit" side of the lane directly to the cashier
>just so happens a fat woman and her teenage daughter were coming through the single file barricades at the same time
>she and I both at the same time lunged to put our shit down in front of the cashier (who was holding my laptop in her hands)
>there was a quick explanation of what happened which wasnt good enough for the woman, turned to a short verbal altercation, at which point I turned away from her and just checked out

I actually told my buddy who was with me "you gotta larry david people sometimes"
Was an uncomfortable situation

Kek, if you actually cared you'd pay your staff a living wage instead of making them work for tips to subsidise your shitty failing business.

Do you have any employees that aren't related to you?

why didn't the cashier say something? clearly she was handling your items first

I'd kick your ass, then pluck an extra $20 from your wallet as reimbursement for wasting my time

We both quickly became assholes to each other, and she wasnt going to be in the middle of it. She just quickly scanned my stuff to get us both out of there.

>driving girlfriend's r32 with girlfriend in passenger seat
>pull into autozone for something i don't remember
>see a scooter parked outside held together by duct tape
>"baby check that shit out. that shit ain't fuckin' safe" just as the guy who owns the scooter walks out of the autozone
>"hey man, at least i own it. do you own your shit?"
>"hey, uh, i didn't mean anything offensive by it. i'm just saying it's gonna fall the fuck apart"
>"it's mine you asshole, what business is it of yours"
>"i gotta drive on the road. i don't even care! i just fucking commented"
>"whatever man"

in america minimum wage employees aren;t going to intervene in an intracustomer dispute and risk getting shot

You're a fucking retard. Just scan people's shit and keep your mouth shut.

>so
>so
>so

Stop starting sentences with "so."

>>driving girlfriend's r32 with girlfriend in passenger seat

>>"hey man, at least i own it. do you own your shit?"

wew lads, i understand why you got hostile kek

I wasn't even hostile! His shit was literally held together with duct tape. The exhaust was literally going to fall the fuck off.

I can't have a normal, non-controversial conversation to save my life, I literally ALWAYS include some banter that makes people look at me in slight-but-noticeable disbelief, like, everything goes smoothly and just at the very end I say something stupid that makes people either roll their eyes or their blood boil.

how did you survive high school/ how was your high school years?

by dropping out

Easily, just inject humor into everything, don't be afraid to joke on your own expense. It also helps if you have a cred of being one tough S.O.B. like I had, in the first year of high school I beat the living shit out of some guy over a pool game dispute and no one messed with me ever since. I'm also balding and look like a Russian gangster.

Sure thing, Mr. Statham.

Man, I fucking WISH my head was as nicely shaped as his.

One of the greatest Curb bits... Little baby wanna go for drive?

youtube.com/watch?v=Z1ps4EZz4B0

Read this in larry david's voice

it's still 10% he was trying to fool you

so what?

So you're a faggot? So?

Nice

its too embarrassing to type here

lets just say i thought someone was breaking into my house but it was a scheduled roofer coming to walk around on my roof and give an estimate on how much it cost for a new roof.