I feel empty inside

I feel empty inside.
I've been smoking weed and taking speed
every day since 1 year.

I am a former german soldier, several years ago I had to shoot a kid, running towards me with a bomb vest. Kid was about 13 years old.
I didn't really know what else I could've done. It was me or him. I had to be quick. It wasn't like in movies. Your instincts turning on and you don't think - adrenaline rushes and your senses are sharp as a knife.

And then I did it. I shot him.
Yeah sure I signed up in the army it was all my own fault. But it was a fcking child.

I lost my wife, my parents won't talk to me anymore since I take drugs, but without them I'd probably kill myself.

Do I have depression Sup Forums?
Its impossible for me to have fun, or be happy I just can't feel it anymore - nothing. I am all empty inside.

I don't think you are 100% for sure depressed, maybe just grieving or feeling regret from your actions. You did the right thing in the situation, but hey at least you feel guilty. Cause it would be a lot worse if you didn't feel anything at all, my best advice is to consider getting a therapist, or a friend that you really trust and talking to them more about it. Cause Sup Forums isn't the best place for advice

Chin up. Find therapy, admit to Rehab, don't KYS. Find a woman, get a job if you don't have one, push through.

And go on /adv/.

You're taking an upper and a downer at the same time. THAT is what has you all fucked up. Cannabis goes well with psychedelics, like shrooms, not fucking speed. Take some shrooms, watch some nature documentaries while you trip, then have some weed as you come down. That'll set you straight for a few weeks. Shrooms and weed really are mental therapy tools.

Assuming you're not full of shit, yeah, you're suffering from depression and PTSD.

And really, think about the situation analytically. If someone is trying to kill you, your only option is to incapacitate them first. At a certain point, it doesn't matter if it's Osama himself or a 13 year old, you'd be equally dead if you didn't do something. It's over now, and there's no other choice you could have made.

You're also probably fucking things up for yourself even worse by mixing uppers and downers, you're going to desensitize yourself to dopamine.

we need the sauce fag

Look, it was okay. The kid was a radical. He would have taken your life and his own. The boy was no longer a kid when he put the vest on; like a rabid dog he had no shame in attacking anything that got in his way. He would have stopped at nothing to become a monster and kill innocents.
>You did the right thing. Don’t feel even a shred of regret

I mean, 13 is the age he would probably start raping and murdering people. you killing a violent 13 yo almost certainly saved lives he would have ended up taking

if you wanna be depressed about something, be depressed about all the factory farmed meat you are eating. every cow killed for meat is killed at about the age it hits puberty, the equivelant of 13yo in human years

Irgendwie tust du mir leid, weil das echt hart ist. Auf der anderen seite, wie du selbst sagst, bist du freiwillig gegangen. Aber das sei mal außen vor. Hör auf mit dem Speed. Das reißt auch Menschen ohne Traumata in die Depression. Suche dir einen guten Therapeuten der auf PTBS spezialisiert ist. Rauch mehr Gras aber ohne Speed. Kopf hoch! Das wird viel Arbeit aber du kannst damit zurecht kommen.

This OP

Those memories won’t go away until you take them apart. I’d highly recommend seeing a therapist to do this with you. Or at the very least take some MDMA and talk about it to a friend or yourself. The MDMA thing is said to really help. But therapist first. I’m just saying if you’re so far deep in the drug hole that you won’t consider seeing a shrink, then might as well take a drug that is proven to solve shit like this.

Probably not real tread, but here it is from someone competent and capable of telling it to you straight. You have clinical depression, a chemical disorder. You most likely have reduced dopamine receptors in your brain cells from the drug use, which means your brain is no longer able to derive happiness from regular activities that would be rewarding for a normal person. You are probably treating PTSD using uppers and downers, but what you legitimately need is COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY. This will address both your core beliefs relative to your experiences as well as your behavioral conditioning that have become a devolving cycle of addictive and self destructive behavior. Self actualizing now will seem extremely difficult but it will continue to get worse until something intervenes or suicide. Instead of suicide, use your mental training you received in the military to frame mental health as a mission. Use that as a pretext for researching and understanding what governmental assistance exists to pay for your psychotherapy. Make sure you find a legitimate therapist and a legitimate psychologist. If people say no, or can't pay, keep finding more people to ask until someone says yes. The therapist should put you on short term uppers with a plan to wean you off of them once you self actualize, and then you need a therapist trained in CBT to help you gain the support structure, habits, and discipline to succeed as you slowly wean off the uppers. You should also consider seeking out a faith group, because even if you don't believe what they do, you sure as hell need the compassion that only comes from people with that core belief system. And finally, recognize that a huge percentage of soldiers experience your exact story, and that there isn't something inherently wrong with you. Instead, recognize you are on a river headed towards a waterfall, but it's in your power to reach shore. ...

... It's your mission to reach shore. You're as good as or better than all the other men who have reached shore. You can do this. You must. That is all.

>reduced dopamine receptors in your brain cells from the drug use, which means your brain is no longer able to derive happiness from regular activities that would be rewarding for a normal person

Not OP, but I have used a lot of drugs and seem to have difficulty deriving happiness as a normal person

How long of drug abstinence to start being happy? or does it not work like that? although tbqh a girlfriend would certainly make me happy, its happened before

Absolute moron. OP just move on. People live people die it's the way of the world. Quit the dope before it makes you its bitch

Additional side note. Some interesting studies are being done around Ketamin (Special K), a party drug which seems to also provide instant relief for people with chemical imbalances for depression. This is not a solution, it's a tourniquet to you bleeding out. All recent studies point to long term drug use of any sort, legalized and prescribed or otherwise, being ineffective over a long period of time at treading psychosocial disorders. You have that. You need treatment. But, if you find yourself about to buy speed again next week, see if you can find Ketamine instead. With your newfound excitement and happiness that will not last very long, and will become decreasingly effective, use this as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding long enough to seek out the professional help you need as I typed out for you before.

My buddy had a very similar experience in Afghanistan. Killed a kid and was never the same. Became a heroin addict.

>depression

Maybe, get checked out. Could also be PTSD, or a rich tapestry of a bunch of things.

>Cannabis goes well with psychedelics
>like shrooms
OP shouldn’t kill him self, you should. Go take 300 ug of LSD and smoke a joint, tell me how well they pair up. Quit spreading misinformation summer fag

Biological long term affects on dopamine production relative to drug use is not well understood. We do know that the brain is incredibly flexible and elastic, and that it can heal itself from incredible things with enough 'protective factors'. Unfortunately, many individuals who have sustained chemical dependencies have used up their social resources in pursuit of those drugs, they may no longer have habits and beliefs that compel them to pursue positive behaviors, and they may have stunted emotional growth that acts as a social disability. All of these things inhibit 'protective factors'. Conversely, many individuals who take drugs are self-medicating for deeper problems that have never been addressed or corrected. This doesn't mean you can't change or get better, it just means that change will necessitate dramatic alteration to your life for you to get over the hill again ... more incoming

>be born in top tier country
>kill saracen spawn
>420 24/7

Skip the speed and you are golden, meine kamerad

>killed an arab kid
>arabs come to take over germany

kek its all your fault senpai

Speed zieht dich immer weiter in die Depressionen. Hab mir davon eine Psychose eingefangen. Hast du es schon mal mit LSD versucht?

Most people, to bring about this kind of change, will require something to externally structure their life. Drug recovery groups, 12 step programs, allow individuals to reorient themselves around a group of people who understand and have compassion on these difficulties, and additionally help them to build positive coping strategies, access resources out there designed to help them, and so forth. The biggest obstacle is that many high functioning drug users, individuals who can hold down jobs, or have high cognitive capacity, believe they should be able to push themselves out of this problem either intellectually or by willpower. Neither of those are really the right tool to bring about change... The alternative to self-help groups would be significant faith groups, or other life altering activities that prevent significant life change. For instance, some huge percentage of Vietnam vets were using relatively extreme drugs to cope with their situation, but upon returning to America most of them saw a full an unprecedented recovery. We think today that was possible because of the huge alteration in circumstances in returning to the US. Basically, if you want change, you have to go big, but you have to do it into a new situation with protective social factors not just quitting your job and moving in with your parents. That's one reason faith groups are so effective.

There's nothing worse than seeing someone who needs help and love have their loved ones turn their backs on them when they need it. Takes one to know one, hope it gets better user. You have my condolences...