You hear a noise outside your house

You hear a noise outside your house.
Whatever is around you is your weapon(s)
Roll 1-99
you know what to do Sup Forums

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Multitool with a little, but sharp blade

Shotgun, I try to shoot myself with it. Hoping for that critical hit.

you run outside with it yelling something about COD players and normies chasing the kids off your lawn

you shoot yourself in the neck. Yes it was critical
roll
if it's higher than 70, you're saved by your roommate/parent/friend/animal

you died

I go back inside then check the back door, swear I heard something more than those fucking kids

you go out back to check the back but it's only the neighbors dog yelling at you to fuck him in the ass

Oldspice Shampoo/Conditioner combo bottle. BEARGLOVE, of course.

Shit, withdraw is hitting me hard. I've really gotta stop using this poison. I'll call up my dealer for one last supply, but all they had was what?

You call up your dealer only to find out he's been shot and he's in the ICU

Vodka Bottles.
Like 30 of them.

Shit.... Sucks to hear that but I fucking need my fix. I'll just go to his house and see if he has any supply left, good thing I know where he keeps his hidden key

you get drunk and look at the window but stop caring

the cops are still there, if you get 80 or higher you can sneak in and get anything you want
90+ they think you're a cop too

you run out in your rob with the old spice yelling some kind of foreign language and throw the bottle at the kids and nail one of them in the back of the head

dog pussy and shrooms and techno music

Shit, didn't expect his house to be surrounded with police. I don't have anything on me now, so fuck it, hope I can sneak past them

Your dog looks at you like "what do you think you're doing? Don't you dare get any ideas. you're the one that spaded me"
you attempt to fuck your dog but she doesn't much care

you got your ass caught

grab teacup and run outside

>given that I rolled an 8, I probably charged the house while flailing my arms or some dumb shit
Can I do a speech check or some shit? Tell the officers he was an old friend of mine, and I heard through the grapevine that he had gotten shot over some drug shit, I tried to talk him out of getting into it, etc, etc. Also say that apparently my source had the timeline wrong, I thought he was back home, out of the ICU

>Also, I'm white if that helps

Grab Nerf gun with modified darts and head out

they see the tea cup and start running cause they know what you've been doing with that tea cup

success!
The cops ask you if you knew he sold drugs and anything about this.
You can bluff but it has to be higher than my roll

you prick your finger with the damn darts like a tard but you run out with it as they look at you in awe

Shoot at whoever's outside with my nerf gun regardless of my wounded fingers

throw teacup at their head

youtube.com/watch?v=w3m5z-MO-is

Literally you

CRITICAL FUCKIN HIT

I notice that they haven't actually entered his house yet, and think of an idea.
I say he was an old friend of mine, and come up with a story about how I might be able to get them a lead if I can look through his house (with the hidden key).

after crit, rape

i'm shaken

I can use a baseball, a lanyard, some cables and my computer mouse as weapons.