Tell me the history of your cunt

...

Other urls found in this thread:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_White_Mountain
pt.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batalha_das_Toninhas
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>13,000 years since first settlers
>3 periods of pre Spanish civilisations
>WE WUZ sacrifice everyone
>The white man came with crosses and guns, oh they are filthy everyone dies out of infections
>Part of the Spanish empire
>300 years as vice royalty of New Spain
>1810 is time for independence and war
>Empire Ti-NOPE
>Central Americans think they can do better with out us
>Spain is trying to take over again, take their asses and handed them over
>Civil war
>The US wants a lot of us but with out us
>Get our asses kicked
>National unity arises along with a new republic, just don't damage the bakery of that french guy
>French are comming, Britain helps with a peace deal
>A bit more of civil war is ok i guess
>The french are back, lets retreat until we can kick their asses, oh look at that we can win against them 5 mayo
>restore the republic
>General Porfirio wants to take this cunt into the next century
>Prosperity is here *restrictions may apply to everyone else
>Time for a socialist workers revolution
>Destroy everything huh at least it didn't ended in communism
>To busy having common sense to aid Germany against te USA
>A brand new constitution comes bundled with a brand new national army navy and air force cool
>Another dude is trying to take over good thing he fails Plutarco Elías Calles tried hard
> Cardenas is here, he takes back the oil from the americans and british, they wont be mad they have to deal with Hitler first
>Germany just sank our boats
>Cameo appearance in WW2 is us at the left in with the US 58th fighter group of the us air
force
>Post war economic boom hope this last-- NOPE
>PRI is becoming truly corrupt, those drug lords wont be a problem they said
>PRI is went full corruption lord
>They are out, our new president is retarded
>He just dismantled the intelligence services so he can spy on politicians he doesnt like
>Oh shit here we go again
>Yeah the drug lords were not a problem they said 10 years later...
>HAIR EPN

In 600 BC, a man named Lehi was led by God out of Jerusalem and guided across the sea to America. His descendants became two tribes, the Nephites and Lamanites. The Nephites and Lamanites were often at war, and because the Nephites had forsaken righteousness the Lamanites would one day exterminate them. On the day of Christ's death, the sun was blotted out for three days, and on the third day Christ appeared in America to preach to the Lamanites. During the aforementioned war between the Nephites and Lamanites, one noble Nephite named Mormon was spared the genocide decided to transcribe Christ's lessons, but died before he could complete it. His son, Moroni, finished his work, etched it all onto golden plates, and buried the plates to be found one day by Joseph Smith.

Basically we were just unruly autistic children who rebelled against our parents because "I DO WHAT I WANT AND YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME XD" and somehow managed to win. The world has been suffering the consequences ever since

Trust a Dane, feel the pain.

?

We trusted the Dane and we felt the pain.

we wuz romanz.

we wuz convicts 'n shiet

How did Italy fall so far? I mean I like you fags just fine but objectively you people are shriveled husks of your former selves.

why not have another revolution

>get cucked by danes
>cuck danes in return
>cuck russians
>get cucked by russians
>decide we've had enough
>neutral for 200+ years

We wuz Greekz n sheit

Ever seen Kamen Rider Amazon?

this.

what happened to the plates?

Dunno what you're talking about mate

noncountry created by the french as a buffer state between Austria, the Ottomans and Russia

We wuz romans and shiiiiet

>be at war with everyone for 600+ years
>become a superpower that made everyone shit their pants
>king get's deaded
>kingdom falls apart
>years of unrest and bad fortune
>eventually become neutral in all matters

>YOU KNOW I'M BORN TO LOSE AND GAMBLING'S FOR FOOLS, BUT THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT BABY, I DON'T WANNA LIVE FOREVER

Why is it in EU4? Dracula's revenge too hard

Last time we tried a bunch of people "disappeared"

Also the army is corrupt as Fuck and has armored vehicles with big guns.

they haven't really recovered from the french invasion in the 1400s

>Be Barbarians
>Romans try to conquer us
>Nope.jpg
>live next to them for a while
>Start migrating there
>Alsom igrate to the east
>have neighbours conquer another neighbour state, they become kings
>Generations later they incorporate us into their empire
>King dies, we split again
>Defeat the barbarians in the east, start christianizing the east
>Hundreds of smaller kingdoms emerge and are in a union
>Union lasts for a thousand years
>Southern Slavs are getting under control
>Multiple wars on our turf as not really united
>Expand into north eastern slav territory
>Get steamrolled by our neighbor again
>Nationalism rises
>split up between Prussian sphere of influence and Austrian sphere of influence
>war x3
>Prussia incorportates all lands except Austria
>Start to get in an uncomfortable relationship with all major powers of the continent
>Fight WWI
>Lose war and lands
>Revolution disolves the empire and a republic is built
>Peace terms and lost war make everybody angry
>Economic crisis and an unloved republic make people against democracy
>Communism and fashism rise
>Elect fashists
>Nazis abolish democracy and communists
>start WWII
>Lose war and lands
>Get split up and occupied
>Join EU to not fight and lose wars again
>Be divided between a capitalist democracy and a communist regime
>Communist regime topples
>Communist parts join the democracy

For the middle ages you can add
>Be under Roman catholic influence
>Parts leave for a new way of christianity
>War ensues

Friendly banter

We let you win, don't forget it

>Přemyslids
>Luxemburgs
>Husites
>Assburgs
>30 years war
>genocide of non-catholics
>more Assburgs
>czech revival period
>WW1
>first republic
>Protectorate Bohmen und Mahren
>commies
>commie invasion to prevent socialism with human face
>more commies
>freedom
>Babiš

Pic is the man responsible for our atheism

>be Gallia
>be surrendering monkey
>apparently lose every battle in its history
>somehow manages to still exist
wow, i wonder how did this happen????

also fuck everyone in this thread

Why are you so angry?

>fight things
>occasionally think about things, mostly to improve fighting
>survive long enough to tell the tale
>now everybody learns about us in school rendering this reply useless
(:

>>genocide of non-catholics
Wait what? How was Bohemia not Protestant.

>more Assburgs
>czech revival period
So Bohemia got rebranded as Czechia because the Hamburgs owned the Crown?

Actually if you look at the maps and have ever played GSG France was the winner of Europe man.

>become a superpower that made everyone shit their pants
lel, sweden suffered heavy casualties in every major war they participated

>30 yrs war
>149 000 swedes
>110 000 deaths

>deluge
>40 000 swedes
>30 000 deaths

>'great' northern war
>sweden with a small population
>350 000 deaths

those casualties prove that sweden sucked at war

Mainly mercenary forces I think man

>Austrasia
>annexed Neustria
>expand the empire all over western Europe
>Franks want a homeland, so they create the kingdom of Lotharingia
>Lothair II dies and his land got anschluß'D by France and Germany
>one day a Burgundian duke thinks "fuck France, I want to create my own country"
>creates the 17th-provinces
>provinces get independent from France first and later on Germany as well
>Dutch don't like Alvarez and Felipe II, so they revolt
>Dutch Republic
>get annexed by Napoleon
>become free and turn the country into a kingdom, called the Kingdom of the Netherlands
>1830: Belgian revolution supported by France
>1890: Luxembourg leaves the personal union

>>one day a Burgundian duke thinks "fuck France, I want to create my own country"
What happened here?

Played EU4 and the lowlands are all vassals of Burgundy until the Burgundian inheritance. (which is fucking bullshit because it sometimes gives it to Spain but actually Austria went to war with France over it then gave it spain later)

>become a superpower that made everyone shit their pants

lmao, if Sweden was a superpower, then France was about to conquer the galaxy

He means a Great Power. And to be fair it was.

Then if it was a great power, France was a superpower

No. But it was probably the foremost of the Great powers at times

feels good tb h

France had ages where it was terrifying. idk man the post a little up was kinda triggering actually.

Yea, from medieval times to Louis XV's reign, it was a pretty terrifying kingdom, threatening other countries' independence

Now it's a faggot country

Bohemia was partially protestant. All the protestants got 3 days to either convert or get the fuck out.

>Bohemia got rebranded

No. Bohemia is the latin name. Czechia is a weird mongrel of latin and czech

You might be surprised man. I mean the battle of Waterloo was 200 years ago. Its really not much at all.

You just kinda got a bad rap for WWII and then didn't indulge the Yanks in the recent one so the propaganda got turned on you.

I mean the fucking cheek of you wankers to be fair, we fucked about in Vietnam for years to give it back to you then you're not even keen to bomb some Shepards?

Bohemia evokes a cultural powerhouse of Europe though. Prague is meant to be really nice even now.

Also wtf? You literally spawned the Reformation and then you exile Protestants? Why?

Its such a shame that you got sold to the Nazi's then left for the dogs man.

sorry m8s

I protested the wars actually.

The age of war being anything other than profit driven are long gone. Got some cannibal nutjob in charge of a country in west africa. No fucks given.

Sucks I guess

>you exile Protestants?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_White_Mountain

You sound like a pretty chill user, user

>be Aryan warriors
>fight other Sarmatian tribes
>raid Roman borders
>huns.jpg
>join the Hunnic confederacy
>plunder and rape with your Hunnic brothers
>feelsgood.jpg
>gaul.jpg
>Aetius give us some land to settle
>angryromans.jpg
>expel the romans
>do rape and plunder
>conquer spain and North africa with your Vandal brothers
>send aryan colonists to Valencienne and Armorica
>Attila.jpg
>fight heroically until the rescue come
>BattleoftheCatalaunianPlains.jpg
>be in peace again
>Goths try conquer su
>BTFO them
>Franks and Saxons try to conquer us
>BTFO them
>Franks streamroll the Romans
>too powerful so join them against the Arian Goths
>send Aryan colonists to Le Mans

**end**

...before becoming France's punching bag

oh, fuck off, Pannonianon

Oh

Thank you man

Got any particular French history I would like?

What kind of history?

>Be Spaniard
>Get fucked by celts
>Get fucked by Carthage
>Get fucked by Rome
>Get fucked by Visigoths
>Get fucked by Ummayyad
>Fuck back
>Get revenge and fuck all the moors occupying you
>After having lust for fucking, go to the americas
>Fuck natives
>Fuck all of South America except some corner that Portugal claimed for fucking
>Still lust for fucking, go to Asia
>Fuck beta Filipinos
>Frances decides to fuck you
>Fuck France back
>Your colonies tell you to fuck off
>Try fuck them but get counter-fucked
>Fucked off back to Europe
>Republicans fuck the monarchy
>Nationalists fuck the republicans
>Franco fucks off and dies
>Juan Carlos I gets in and fucks off, his son Felipe VI is now the Kang of Spen.

Well idk. So for example I have a very anglo view of things. So the hundred years war was our godlike archers destroying the french until some sctizo tart came and fucked things up (she's actually one of my favourite saints)

What's some history from the French perspective?

Missed fucking the Habsburgs (in wedlock)

t. angry Roman

Ahmai airiya

> So the hundred years war was our godlike archers destroying the french until some sctizo tart came and fucked things up

Well, IMO, it's more like 'cowards with bows killing autistic knights' :^)

>What's some history from the French perspective?

Too complex. Basically, it goes like 'when we kill white europeans, it's not important, but when we colonise the world and kill niggers and maghrebis, it's bad and we should be ashamed of ourselves'

(of course, we're not all like this)

>Roman

Silence, you Aryan shitskin

I am a gaul

Eh I was more thinking of some specific examples. So ok. What is the French view of the Habsburgs? Are you taught about the Burgundian inheritance? What is the french side?

>Perkeleen perkele
>1100 get crusaded by the swedes
>Be the weird not-quite-colony-but-also-not-quite-Sweden-either part of Sweden for like 700 years
>One of the Swedish king's sons takes care of Finland this one time
>Part of a peasant rebellion this other time
>1809 comes around, NapoopaИ forces Sweden to help with the English blockade
>Russia declares war on Sweden because Nappo told them to, annexes Finland while they're at it because lol why not
>Autonomy woo, time to actually talk about Finland when discussing Finnish history
>Russia basically helps Finland grow because we were their favourite pet or something, help them quelling a vassal rebellion or two
>Finnish identity develops woo
>1917, revolution in Russia, go ask Lenin for independence because national self-determination or some bullshit like that, says "yeah sure man"
>Civil war between nationalist whites and commie reds, whites win
>Germans lose WW1, become a republic instead of a monarchy with a German king
>Parliamentary bullshit until WW2
>Kick the Soviet Union's ass in two wars but still kinda lose the war
>Forced to kick the friendly Nazis out of Finland because SU told so
>Tactical ass kissing of the SU feat. Kekkonen until SU's fall
>After Kekkonen fucking finally dies it's back to proper parliamentary democracy and not finlandisation
>?????
>Internet gets invented, flooded with finnish memes

...

I'm sure most frenchies don't even know about Burgundians and know very little about Habsburgs

But basically : 'fuck the habsburgs, the alliance with t*rks was justified' :^)

>inb4 I'm not white enough to be gaulish

>Russia declares war on Sweden because Nappo told them to, annexes Finland while they're at it because lol why not

Sorry, Finlan

No problem man, the age of autonomy after that was actually bretty good for us

Yeah fuck you too you kebab loving wanker

t. the rest of Europe

idk its quite cool. There's a lot of things though. Like fighting for the Protestant league and then sperging out at the Jacobites (might have been before idk)

Have you seen the show Versailles?

>peaceful kingdom with strong warriors, beautiful land and fascinating mythology
>some viking bastard viciously decapitates the High King in an act of barbarity
>no longer a peaceful kingdom
>now a divided group of tiny kingdoms
>The Eternal Anglo comes along and makes plantations, starts enslaving the native population
>this goes on for many centuries
>many people die trying to rebel against the Anglo menace
>even more people die when a crop shortage gives the Anglo government a way to commit genocide on the people
>decades later, Anglo government is finally about to give some amount of freedom to the people of Ireland by giving them their own parliament
>inbred Anglo retards in the North start autistic screeching because they're Protestants and don't want to be a minority in "their own" government (that they don't belong in anyway)
>retards take up guns to oppose home rule
>sensible people in the south get guns to oppose these protesters
>home rule gets put off because of the arguments
>eventually some rebels manage to win a war of independence
>unfortunately only part of the island is liberated due to a peace treaty and the rebels being too short on manpower to continue fighting
>the North continues to be oppressed by the tea-drinking tyrants
>people in the North aren't allowed housing or employment if they identify as Irish instead of Br*tish
>rebels try to fight against the Anglo menace once more
>Anglo terrorist groups oppose the freedom fighters and use cowardly tactics such as hiding behind schoolchildren and calling the rebels cowards for not wanting to shoot kids
>peace agreement is made and the North is still under Anglo occcupation today
>Eternal Anglo manages to continue convincing most of the world that the freedom fighters were in the wrong and that the evil tyrants such as Margaret Thatcher and Ian Paisley were in the right

I'm glad post-Russia Finland did well, tb h

>Yeah fuck you too you kebab loving wanker
>t. the rest of Europe

Funny. When Spain allies with mexican tribes, nobody cares. When England allies with Morocco because 'fuck Spain', nobody cares. But when France allies with Ottomans because 'fuck Austria and the HRE'... *autistic screeching*

>Have you seen the show Versailles?

Now, I don't really watch T.V

Is it good?

>muh ottoman

King John of England promised to convert if the sandniggers helped him against us, and Gayrman repeatidly sided with shitskins

Read the whole post.

Its ok. Got the Duke Phillipe. Super cool. Like really good General. His a poof and likes to dress as a girl. Goes to court in a dress and some noble laughs at his. Just stabs him in the fucking face.

Bit of a classic

>tfw no English caliphate to eternally cuck The Frog

The world should team up against the Eternal Anglo. They occupied our land, replaced it with tea-drinking barbarians and turned a rcok into a secret huge Aryan Blood Refinery. They shall be expelled from this world.

Who cares about Morocco or the mexicans, you allied with the guys that just destroyed what was left of the roman empire and were trying to conquer even more land in Europe and the Mediterranean.

>Just stabs him in the fucking face

lmao, he really did it?

The abolute mad girl (male)

>nice peninsula full with Iberian tribes
>fucked by Phoenicians, Carthaginians and Greek
>fucked by Rome
>actually cool province with cities and roads and shit
>some Roman Emperors are born here
>not_bad.jpg
>Roman Empire goes to shit
>fucked by Goths
>fucked by Moors
>muh Reconquista
>kick out Moors
>discover America
>Spanish Empire on which the sun never sets
>Golden Age, great culture
>start losing wars and stuff
>lazy kings who like siesta
>retard kings
>war of succession
>muh Gibraltar
>19th century starts, brace yourself
>cucked by Napoleon's France
>kick the French, muh 2 de mayo
>lose colonies
>fail at Industrial Revolution
>wars of succession
>revolution
>First Republic fails
>Constitutional monarchy with useless politicians
>USS Maine
>lose more colonies
>WWI, be neutral
>economic bubble, no industry, economy is shit, Moors in colonies uprise, Anarchists and Communists appear
>8 years dictatorship
>Second Republic, Commies and Monarchist Catholics hate each other
>coup d'état, Civil War, kill each other
>WWII, neutral but supporting the losers
>40 years National Catholic dictatorship, keep hating each other
>lose last colonies
>economy growth
>Transition to democracy
>23-F coup d'état fails
>join NATO and EU
>finally a nice European country with Olympic games and shit
>shit politicians, economic bubble, crisis, unemployment, corruption, but we win the World Cup
>economy is shit again but could be worse

Yeah it was pretty funny I guess. Like not to be fucked with.

Its kind of a sweet show. Basically like a sitcom in the palace. So like murders and spys and stuff. I mean it basically shows the centeralisation of France in a drama show. Also the King of the Netherlands is playing mindgames or whatever with Louis.

Still Louis the 14th is the Sun king man. Seeing some dozy twat with a moustache just, fuck about. Is kinda grating

>you allied with the guys that just destroyed what was left of the roman empire

So what? Fuck Rome.

1/Germanic peoples destroyed the Roman Empire
2/Byzantine """""Empire"""""" was just a wannabe Roman Empire

>who cares about Morocco

...is a SPANIARD really asking me THIS?

thanks, lad, will probably watch this show

>migrate from Volga bend to some hostile forest land
>Sami_people.png
>coexist peacefully
>be low population nation of forest mongols
>Sweden decides we are their backyard for taxes and soldiers
>life continues on
>Finland can into own written language
>scare G*rmans with Hakkapeliitta troops in Swedish military
>start to prosper somewhat
>Eastern neigbor is jelly
>kicks Swedes into balls and takes Finland
>fine, life continues on
>become autonymous, get own currency, Finnish becomes actual language that is not shunned to use
>Russia starts to crumble from inside
>Tsar ded
>Lenin gives independence in hopes of it causing revolution which Reds would won and happily become part of Soviet Union
>nope.avi
>Civil War
>Finland independent, people divided
>slowly start to raise up
>Hello Finland! t. USSR
>kick Soviet teeth in
>peace for a while
>play_it_again_Sam
>new war
>side with Germans
>making some gains
>Russia uses cheatcodes with infinite everything, pushes us back
>peace
>drive Nazis out of Finland
>reparations for USSR kickstart the heavy industry
>Cold War
>kiss Soviet ass, try to stay neutral
>autism.exe kicks in, quickly climb ranks of the best countries
>Cold War ends
>Nokia, memes, autism and intermet reputation of being weirdo

Have a good night or morning or whatever man

>bunch of indians genocide each other for uncountable years
>spanish handle brazil to poortugal in 1490
>portugal discover brazil in 1500
>nothing really is happening here
>napoleon scare the imperial family
>they flee to brazil with the weakest and most coward people from poortugal
>bring in the black cooks
>more blacks
>i siad, moreeeeee blacks
>slavery end
>country is filled with blacks
>bring people for all over europe to wash them away
>Paraguay invades Brazil
>we invade Paraguay
>genocide...
>emperor has no money to pay soldiers
>they revolt
>emperor is exiled
>bring in the japs
>bring in the arabs
>govemrent change a few times
>61, 3 germans start a coup
>64 is happening
>69 another inside coup
>military government build infrastructure like no other government has done before. 20 years of progress
>80's
>social revolution
>brazil is shit until now.

>2018, Bolsonaro is elected and leftism is now illegal
>2020 super power

pt.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batalha_das_Toninhas
>be in WW1
>useless
>navy in Gibraltar
>find enemy
>fuck yeah we're going home as heroes
>shoot the fucking things
>it's actually fucking porpoises

> massacre foi devastador para o cardume
Never forget

no

>Picts slap around the romans enough until they give up and build a wall
>romans fuck off entirely and Irish Scots settle on the west coast
>eventually Picts beat the Scots and merge the kingdoms
>conquer the Welsh and anglos for a bit
This is when you have the modern Scottish Borders pretty much
>vikings come and shit over everything
>we wuz Macbeths an shit
>eventually most vikings get kicked out
>everything looks alright then the king at the time gets super horny so tries to ride 50 miles at night in a storm, he falls off a cliff and dies
>civil war looming, so the king of England gets invited to help mediate
>king of England invades instead
>we wuz bravehearts n shit
>Robert the Bruce shows up after William Wallace dies and hangs around in a cave with a spider for a while or some shit
>he eventually beats the English
>after he dies there's a bit of civil war for a while just because of boredom
>all the kings for the next 2 centuries die in whacky ways
>at some point during this we steal Shetland for Norway or Denmark
>everyone turns protestant because a /r9k/ tier guy called John Knox yells at them until they do. Start schools because of this though
>king of Scotland inherits throne of England
>try to colonise panama but England and Spain are total cunts about it so it fails
>bankrupt so Scotland merges parliaments with England to become Great Britain. Everyome gets a cool new flag
>bonny prince Charlie shows up and btfo of everyone for a while due to looking so ruggedly handsome
>get defeated
>bunch of guys invent everything for a while
>Scotland makes tons of stuff for a while
>thatcher decimates the heavy industry, everyone becomes poor and addicted to heroin
Then end

*the end

Italy went into a fractured city states periods somewhat like Greece before and during Hellenistic era. The actual area of Rome was controlled by the Roman Catholic Church so no temporal power really had the chance to consolidate over there.

The actual city states themselves were often widely successful (Venice, Florence, Tuscany and Genoa) but as the balance of power moved from the Mediterranean region to those who could acquire overseas colonies by bouncing off the Atlantic the various Italian city states couldn't compete geographically.

resources-whys, Italy doesn't have as many resources needed for Industrialization as France, the United Kingdom and Germany had. Coal and that sort of thing. Thus Italy was almost in a Japan tier situation but with the world superpowers right next door competing instead of a continent away.

Why aren't there more good scottish moves? Enjoyed Filth. Was pretty good even if it sort of overshadowed itself

What type of movies are you looking for? There's a few but the movie industry in the UK is all based in London so the regions don't really get much attention.
Haven't actually seen filth, what do you mean by 'overshadowed itself'?

...

>Amerindians being prosperous
>Spaniards pirates pieces of shit try to conquer >us
>they fail
>they leave
>other yuro pieces of shit try to illegally settle
>they fail
>they leave
>brits try to invade buenos aires (amerindian capital)
>twice
>they fail twice, they leave
>200 years pass, argentina is close to 95% amerindian and native american culture INTACT

My country has the most based history, you can't even compete.

Well I really liked Trainspotting. Only other one I've seen was Filth I think. If you haven't seen it give it a watch man. Fun flick. Not going to spoil it for you

Filth was a good movie

Yeah I enjoyed it. James is an amazing actor. Got a bit incoherent at times though

Same rules apply

Philip II the Bold was son of the French king, but he did only get French Burgundy. However, he wanted the both Burgundies to be one and united them by marriage and he got the county of Flanders as well. In the next decenia the Burgundian dukes moved their capital to the Netherlands and the Burgundian Netherlands kept growing.

>History books
>True
Nuh uh. I don't think so.

Oh. What is the truth then?

>collect silver for spaniards
>be cucked by spaniards so much that your silver pays 2 wars in Europe
How does an argentinian commit suicide? He climbs his ego and jumps

The internets.