International jokes thread

Three men are traveling the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polack, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, what do you want on your back for your whipping? The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polack, what do you want on your back? "I will take nothing!" says the Polack, and the Polack stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American, who responds "I'll take the Polack!"

Midnight Petrograd... A Red Guards night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who goes there? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically rummages through his pockets and drops a paper. The Guards chief picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like ..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then he reads further: "'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...' You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Long live the World revolution!"

>sneeze
>get shot

How many belgians do you need to change a lightbulb?

Five. One on the table and four to turn it

Why do the belgian always go to the desert with a car door?

So if it gets too hot he can open the window

...

sorry we really only have belgium jokes here

RUDE AND UNCALLED FOR

Why did the French build the Eiffel tower?

So the Germans can see their white flag from afar.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny.

I'm quite funny and I'm quite lazy and inefficient. So it's not really a good joke.

How do you keep a Belgian busy?
Write "flip" on both sides of a sheet of paper.

How can you tell if a Belgian has been using your computer?
The screen will have Wite Out all over it.

How do you drown a Belgian?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Three Belgians walk into a building.
You’d think at least one of them would’ve seen it.

What do screen doors and belgians have in common?
The more you bang them, the looser they get

How do you confuse a Belgians ?
You don’t. They’re born that way.

A Canadian guy, an American guy, a Japanese guy, and a Middle Eastern guy walk into a bar. They all have a couple of beers, and get to bragging. The American guy boasts, "I'm so lucky, I have 4 beautiful children, one more and I would have a basketball team." Not to be outdone, the Canadian guy retorts, "I am luckier than you, I have 5 gifted children, one more and I could form a hockey team." So, the Japanese guy chimes in with, "Well, I surely have both of you topped. I have 8 children. Just one more and I would have a baseball team." Pausing, briefly, the Middle Eastern guy replies, "Well, I am betting I have all you fools beat. my harem houses 17 wives, one more and I would have a golf course!".

bear wanders around forest and finds an automobile on fire
he climbs into it and burns to death

wait, you have belgian jokes in the US?

lol no. I just looked up dumb blonde jokes and replaced Belgian with blonde.
Why do they get the bad wrap of being idiots in France?

>Belgian with blonde
Uh, I meant the other way.

Americans are fat and stupid.

>Why do they get the bad wrap of being idiots in France?
For them we are the idiots, but they depict us more like paranoid and mentally slow kind of stupid
It's just light banter and it's always funny

The belgian PM asks our king if he could do something stupid so that people will laugh about the dutch instead of the belgians for a change.
Willem alexander says ok we'll do that for this one time so they build a bridge in a dry desert with no water.
The belgian PM laughs about it and mocks the king but after a bit the joke gets old so the belgian PM tells the king that he can remove the bridge because the joke's getting old.
The king however says:'Well we can't remove the bridge because there are belgians on it who are fishing.'

Do you know how Montenegrins masturbate? They dig a small hole, put a dick in there and wait for the earthquake.

Three spies - one French, one English and the other Soviet - are caught by the Nazis during WW2. The Nazi officer announces to the spies that they will be executed, but that they can choose their method of execution.

The Frenchman stands up proudly and says "as citizen of France, I choose the guillotine, the only true patriotic method of execution!"

So okay, the Germans find a guillotine, get the frenchman out of the cell, put the blade up, get his head into the machine, let go of the blade and.... it just kinda gets stuck right before hitting his neck. They decide that maybe it was God, destiny, or something at work, and decide to let the Frenchman go free.

As he goes back to his cell to collect his stuff, the Frenchman whisper to the Brit "the guillotine doesn't work!"

So when the Brit's turn comes, he also asks for the guillotine, it still doesn't work, and the Germans also let go of him. On his way out, he whispers to the Russian spy "the guillotine doesn't work!"

Comes the Russian's turn to choose, the Nazi officer who is getting a bit upset now asks him

"Let me guess, you'll pick the guillotine too, like others?"

"Yeah right, I'm not an idiot!" replies the Russian "your stupid guillotine doesn't work - I pick execution squad!

>What's the difference between a portuguese woman and a sea lion ?

One has shiny hair, a moustache and smells like fish, the other one is a sea mammal.

The Englishman has a wife and a mistress. Loves his wife. - The Frenchman has a wife and a mistress. He loves his mistress. - A Jew has a wife and a mistress. Loves Mom

How do you recognize a Dutch ship?
There are no seagulls flying behind it.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None

Why did he hate us anyway?

>guillotine
>patriotic

Only if you're some republicuck faggot

A Swede, a Russian and a Norweigan were going to switch brains.
"I want a Norweigan brain!" says the Russian, and the Swede asks why.
"Because it is completely unused!"

Why isn't there any mental asylums in Norway?
It would cost too much money to build a roof over an entire country.

Why do Norweigans lie on the floor when buying groceries?
They are looking for low prices.

Why do Norweigans put sugar under their pillows?
They want sweet dreams.

A Belgian is walking along the Moselle river and notices a guy drinking water directly from the river.

He yells: "Are you fucking crazy? That water is dirty and unhealthy!"

Dude: "Entschuldigung.. was haben Sie gesagt?" (Excuse me, what did you say?)

Lux: "Ich habe gesagt, Sie sollen langsam trinken, das Wasser ist sehr kalt!"
(I said you should drink slowly, the water is very cold)

Explain

tinkey drinkey
gyyyyyyypsy
leeee leeee
and poooo