At cinema with mother to bypass No Singles policy

>at cinema with mother to bypass No Singles policy
>mid movie the klaxon sounds

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probably just the theater's reactor melting down

>at kino with girlfriend just seeing a flick
>gets to romantic scene
>I edge my hand towards hers
>she does the same
>I look up, we smile at each other
>lean in for the kiss
>Kino-Conductor comes in
>"tickets please, everyone show their tickets please"
>flood lights fill the kinoplex and the "Let's all go to the Falconry" music starts playing
>everyone in the falcon section releases their birds
>get some shit on my coat
>conductor gets to us
>"uh sir, I'm afraid this is a movie ticket, you are watching a flick"
>Tyrone comes up to us
>girlfriend starts to cry
>Tyrone takes my girlfriends hand and drags her away from me
>I get escorted out
>hear my girlfriend crying out in pleasure and pain from behind the concession's stand

I don't believe? You're telling us that nobody fired a single round?

the designated shooter doesn't come to the front until the movie starts

The shooter had been and gone at this point, are you retarded? The Conductor doesn't come in until they can check who actually saw the movie / flick the full way through.

probably because the theater guard tower spotted someone blinking at irregular intervals.

My sides

is that the serial killer from conan?

Yes. follow his Snapchat so you can see all the stuff he does between murders.

>get into theater lake early to catch my own crabs
>as I prepare the net I start thinking about how excited I am to see La La Land
>kinoma guard tower spots me and they send out the boats
>automatically get a Single Stamp card on my Cinema ID as punishment
>get sent to the popcorn mines for an hour with no showers after
>mfw I missed the film

>No matter what I do I cant get past the theater's virgin detectors
>no matter how many tips or tricks I waste my $30 on tickets each time I try
>just end up pirating every new release

>not fapping a few minutes before the test so you can fool the detectors

Have you tried tinfoil underwear? It blocks the sensors. (You did not hear me say this, capiche?)

ask Tryone to fuck your ass and you'll be set for life

Be careful, the cinema spies might be reading this. Buddy of mine almost got his falcon confiscated because he criticized the local joint's candy prices on Bookface.

>tfw forgot to pay for my girlfriend's bull exemption pass

Picking her up in an hour, apparently it's much worse sounding than it really is!

>go to local kínoráma
>buy a ticket for Avengers: Rise of the Vulva for 74,99$
>the cashier leans over the counter handing me the ticket and a polymer-framed, short recoil-operated, locked-breech semi-automatic Glock pistol
>the ticket says "Congratulations, today you're the designated cinema shooter, have fun operating!"
>I nod at the cashier, she nods back
>Sit on the far left near the first row
>wait for the ads and goat sacrifices to pass
>opening credits finally start
>I immediately get up and shoot up the whole row
>whole theater get's up in excitement and start clapping and cheering as I reload
>I proceed to shoot up the whole theater with a tear in my eye, trying my hardest not to make anyone feel ignored
>the kids birthday section were visibly the most excited
>as I finish the cinema staff comes in congratulating and sweeping the spilled popcorn and blood
>they even let me keep the Glock
>manager even sends me a thank you card at my home for the good work

Best 74,99$ ever spent.

youtube.com/watch?v=q-SJjFcnsGs

those only work on machines built before 2013 the new ones are fucking unstoppable

someone either watching the flick didnt help stoke the boiler or they didnt squegee their shower stall

Apparently the Penis Inspectors are not happy that robots have been replacing them. I hear an insurrection is brewing.

Hey, at least you got those trips.

>Reddit makes another shitty thread

yawn.

>go to see La La Land
>present my government issue Single Viewer card
>Lobby receptionist buzz see through to auditorium
>walk past the fountain and the Lion enclosure to ticket counter
>present my pass one again to the Line guard
>he lets me pass and I approach
>as she hands me the tickets she whispers the activation codes
>I spin the wheel, lands on a .22 rifle
>"Bad luck user, would you like to spin again? Only $599.99
>say I can't afford it, she hand see the rifle and shells
>go to preparation area
>can't afford any additional load out items apart from a trip mine and 2 cans of silly string
>hide them in my coat as the assistant lets me into the back door of the theatre
>Ryan is on screen singing
>take out the trip mine and set it up by the exit
>take my seat
>wait for someone to get up for piss
>nobody does
>get a call
>"there's only 20 minutes left of the movie what are you doing"
>panic
>jump out of my seat
>an't think of anything to say, mind goes blank
>"SHOOTY SHOOTY TIME!"
>take first shot
>it ricochets around the cinema, goes through the screen and flies back, hitting me in the penis
>I fall down
>everyone starts booing
>bunch of chads on dates start kicking my wound as their girlfriends scream with delight
>pass out
>wake up in E.R handcuffed to my bed

i love how Sup Forums has successfully created a post modern american dystopian universe through cinema posting

would unironically watch a short film about a virgin who gets selected as the cinema shooter

>pay extra for the cummies bunker in the front
>my Mummy for the movie is black
>she keeps saying things in deep southern ebonics
>can't understand her at all while she's giving me the sloppiest greatest bj ever
>the slurping is so loud can't even hear finding dory

At least I blew 3 loads but next time I need to specifiy white mummy.

any time a thread has pepe or wojack as the OP, it is a safe bet it is off-topic garbage. this retard made a tiny effort.

that film is already out. It's called Dark Night.

Tell me about the last time you went to the theater with your mom.

>get to theatre
>fucking determined to see Hacksaw Ridge, have been prepping all week
>owl fed and sleeping, brought my own pre-cooked lobster bisque to eat cold, .22 safely secured to my ankle just in case I get called up
>gaggle of girls behind me tittering as I approach the virgin detector, they shut up as I slide through without so much as a bleep
>ticket caller waves me over, tape measure in hand, but I simply reach into my pocket calmly and retrieve my singles only showing ticket, pre-purchased and fully authorised online, delivered in the mail last week
>direction master calls up the cinegrid but I wave him away with a gesture, I already know I'm in room 18 and have the floor plan memorised just in case
>today is the day, nothing will go wrong this time, I wont allow it
>queue up outside 18 to have my ticket and retinas scanned
>as I approach the front of the queue I recognised the checker as Chad from school
>my guts turn to ice, but I steel myself
>he can't conceal his surprise that I made it this far into the complex
>Huh, I guess you're alright after all user, here you go
>no time to soak that in, so close to the entrance
>approach the gilded doors, emblazoned with the aquila, and reach out to touch them with a quivering hand
>the next few minutes are a blur of sound and color but I come back to my senses in my seat, the anticipation in me at fever pitch
>the title card appears on screen
>finally it's time to experience true Kino, based Mel is finally ba-
>HIDDEN FIGURES

Ever since you guys have been joking about NSP, I've noticed an increasing number of awkward singletons making efforts to socialize with normies in line, if only for a few seconds, to explain why they're alone, as if to put the other moviegoers, who of course generally aren't familiar with the no singles meme, at ease. It's cute :-P

Wtf country do you live in?!?!?!?

>joking about NSP

What?

[FEMALE DETECTED]

Jokes on you my friend, I always carry a womens jacket on my arm in case someone asks me where my significant other is ;)

>Forget to bring my basket for the bi-weekly Easter Egg Hunt
>Everyone else in the showers is eating their chocolate and laughing at me

Most humiliating day of my life.

>Excited to see "Hacksaw Ridge"
>Just outside the door to the theatre.
>theatre troll jumps out of nowhere and blocks my way
>I can't remember the answer to his three riddles
>just have to stand there like a jackass while everyone else sees the movie.

Almost funny but you had to throw cuck shit in it anyway.

protip: the troll lets you by if you give him a bag of lapis lazuli

>steal brother's kinocard as i've maxxed out my capeshit viewings for the year already
>forget they installed the retinal scans but already past the falcon rear guard
>fail retinal scan
>falcons swoop in and start clawing my face
>fall to the ground crying
>kid behind concession stand yells at me to move over to the beating station
>try to get up but slip on blood
>last thing I remember is a large electric shock
>wake up in the middle of death valley again
>they stole my shower punch-card

I don't know what kind of authoritarian hellhole you people live in but here its just
>go to the ticket counter
>"one ticket for X, please"
>zit faced teenager takes $9 and give me my ticket
>ticket ripper rips my stub and tells em what side I go to
>got to the concessions and buy a popcorn and drink
>find a seat then watch my movie and leave
I've literally never heard of movie falcons, virgin detectors or no singles policies

...

>in line infront of the cinema
>tfw watchtower searchlight stops right above you

>marathon a shitty movie
>usher asks me if i enjoyed it
>say yes because you have to pay double if you didnt like it
>get selected for lie detector test
>have to pay quadruple for not liking it and lying

this is why i keep telling anons to buy stocks in penis inspection fluid. those robots dont have the finesse od fpi employees and they use literally 209% more fluid per penis.

ANONS, BUY STOCKS IN PENIS INSPECTION FLUID.

Welcome to Sup Forums reddit. Enjoy your stay.

>at cinema with mother to bypass No Singles policy
>get up to have a piss after my designated piss klaxon sounds
>remember that there is a sex scene coming up in the movie, so hang back another 3 mins checking out a new line of neon anvils in the lobby
>go back and sit down
>mother grabs my hands and smells them to see if i have been playing with myself.

jditta

>he doesn't even have a theater lake at his local joint

nothing to worry about. if you just stay still the rhinos all run around you.

you can trust me on this. ive seen 5 kinos and im only 24, most people are lucky to see just 1 in their lifetime. ive got an in though, my cousin is the train conductor at my state kinopolis

holy fuck

this trucking meme. I'm looking this up right trucking now to see if there is actually any truth to it.

i was so annoyed i typed trucking instead of fucking, also, what a surprise, this shit never happens. just go to the movies alone, no one cares.

lol you think we're gonna sit here and believe your bullshit? get the fuck out of here

>mime the song during commercial interval no8 because you forgot the words
>light above you turns on
>the klaxon sounds

>arrive at kinemar not realizing it is hobo night
>take a chance, ruffle my hair, shit my pants
>accept ticket for Toni Erdmann
>no 3D glasses dispensation, become frantic
>flee to kinemar shower room
>undress, follow filthy hobos down the stairs
>water taps don't work
>hobos begin to cry and moan
>the room begins filling with yellow gas
>laughter of kinemar stewards fills our ears
>time to die
>cursed instead to live

this is NOT a game, kiddo.

Of course it never happen. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

>on holiday in England
>go to the only cinema in the country
>ask for a ticket from the wizened crone
>"are ye local?" she asks
>"n-no?"
>"this is a local cinema for local people. Begone stranger!"

And that's how I ended up inside this wicker man.

>reach the kultura center
>ready to see the new movie
>they installed top of the line 2017 DNA scanners
>remember that i faked my own death to get by the 2016 scanners and see the last kino of 2016
>shit
>try it anyway
>alarm sounds
>detector says that i'm dead
>designated shooter shows up
>it's Chad from high school
>he laughs and tells everyone how much of a loser i was in high school
>even tell them when i forgot to bring the falcon plumage as a tribute to the cinema master in 1989
>run out of there crying
Never going back there again.

>Go to Le Cinémathèque in Canada
>buy ticket
>Alarm rings
>Cinema Mountie comes up to me and says: "Sir, your presence has thrown off the ethnic balance of that showing. You can either pay the $12.00 white privilege fine, or surrender your ticket to this family of Syrian refugees."
>Look him square in the eye and say: "Did you just assume my gender?"
>He immediately hands over $200 and apologizes

>arrive at the cinematic picture house with gf
>walk through the conveyor belt leading into designated kino tunnels
>get separated from gf
>Finally arrive at the other side
>crab legs sold out,only butterscotch frog bites available
>ignore the snacks and head to my hot air balloon with my large melted butter
>kino prepper finishes prepping the balloon
>finally spot my gf coming off the railroads
>hair messed and carrying "scent of the jungle perfume"
>ignore it and aim towards the designated kino cloud
>Finally arrive
>designated God has already raptured the rest of the cinema
>mfw missed out on kino

Worst $49.99 I ever spent.

>head off to work at the pictomotionarium
>out on my wagie chaps and cow bell and company hat
>get there 10 minutes early for once
>wage is docked 1 nutrient bloc for suspicious activity by the quartermaster
>Get assigned to the 2pm showing of Star Wars ® : a Star Wars ™ Story ™ : Rogue 2™ - a Star Wars Chronicle ™ as a cleansing servitor
>have to pick up popcorn off the floor one at a time
>I wear my cow bell so kinossaurs know a wagecuck is approaching
>teenage girls pull my hair
>chad pours ice cold Irish liquor down my wagie chaps
>my designated klaxon sounds and the PA system goes online
>"uniform violation code has been detected in kino-servant 16467a"
>"your remote domicile rights have been revoked"
>have to join the rest of the wagescum in the chattle pens

>rowing my boat to the local kinopolis
>only got a few more sewer tunnels to go
>one of the barrels comes loose and the boat flips over
>feel crabs at my feet as i land in the water
>jackpot
>grab the crabs
>swim the rest of the way because i really wanna see the newest 80's scifi film reboot
>the kinowatch enforcers drag me off for interrogation as i climb ashore
>they threaten to assign me to the soda farms for the rest of my life
>make it through anyways because i bribed them with my crab legs
>buy a woman from the merchant so i don't get stopped again
>just as i'm about to enter the kinochamber, we're stopped for a surprise penis inspection
>her's is bigger than mine
>ticket revoked, kino license revoked for life
>get thrown into the kebab machine

>tfw banned from local kinoma after usher found me in the cinema showers with my mom

>he doesn't have a booked seat in the cinema ball pit

What's your excuse? It provides entertainment for the boring scenes where the characters just talk and the best thing is that the cinema warlock doesn't target the pit since it might scare the children.

>going to the kinoplex to watch a flick and purchasing a movie ticket

You deserve everything that happened, cuck.

its all the shrapnel really, when they start to go off you want to be up up high in the back of the theater

What even is this upper right area?

>No Singles policy
Is this a real thing? Because with the U.S., you can never tell - you aren't allowed to do so many things that it's hard to judge that stuff with common sense alone.

...

>fell for the ballpit meme
>the ball cycling system turns on while im immersed in the kino
>get sucked down the pit's drain into the basement levels of the kino megastructure
>see hundreds of single virgins mining popcorn

>move to Portland for work
>head to the local kinoplex
>has a no singles policy just like the one back home
>do what I did in the past and bring my daki
>they don't allow it in
>end up paying some hobo to go with me
>he really smells but I figure he can just use the cinema shower
>cinema showers cost extra
>have to sit next to this smelly hobo the entire time
>designated shooter arrives
>he has to use a .22 with 5 round magazine
>takes so long the movie finished before he did
>had to pay a "patriarchy tax" on the way out
This city blows.

...

>singles night at the local theatre
>waiting to get paired with my theater buddy for the day with 3D handcuffs
>big old black nigger gets paired with me
>have to hold the butter container because he doesn't want to risk getting his Jordan's greasy
>get into theater
>the theater loveseat is the only thing open
>barely have any room to sit
>theater alarm goes off halfway through the movie
>emergency shower break because some fuck forgot to wash behind his ears
>black man uses all the bubble bath so I have to take a cold shower
>penis inspector finds out my penis is circumcised
>have to leave premises immediately

Never again

go home you flyover fuck

>finally arrive at the theatre after not getting on the first bus because the bus driver looked at me funny when he saw i was holding a woman's coat and had to get the next one instead
>nervously walk in, admiring the hot butter fountains for a moment before fishing my two tickets to see Lala Man: Don't Think It Don't Say It out my pocket
>fuck, have to go to the bathroom first
>if i hurry i can still get to my seat 20 minutes before the pre-pre ads start
>when i approach the restroom i see notices on the doors of the men's toilets
>it's a big black and white blown up image of my face
>"do not allow entry"
>"excessive wiper. continues to wipe and wipe after all shit is gone. wipes until there is blood on the paper and shoves it deep into his anus while doing so"
>"not allowed in bathroom under any circumstances"
>son of a bitch
>fuck it, i take my woman's coat and go to my designated seat
>carefully lay it on the seat next to mine
>i unwrap it and find the framed photograph of mother
>gently place mummy on top of the seat so that she can enjoy the movie with me
>get some weird looks and ignore them
>finally the lights go dark
>movie is about to start
>i have to piss like a bitch
>fuck it, i cant hold it any longer, and there's no way i'm missing this
>unscrew my peg leg as quietly as possible
>squeak... squeak... squeak...
>i ask mummy to remind me to buy more oil for general peg leg lubrication purposes
>as quietly as possible i piss a cloudy stream of chunky beige piss into my pegleg
>mummy hisses at me and i threaten to get some in her eye
>the stream finally starts to trickle out
>hear a disturbing gurgling coming from within the prothesis
>forgot i had a lifetime supply of fizzy drink in there for secret swigging
>some kind of noxious green foam suddenly jets out
>enough to fill the whole room, the whole theatre even
>people are choking, spluttering, inhaling it and puking
>the aisles run grey with vomit
>guy in projector room throws a rock at my head and i die

This is getting out of hand.

>No singles policy
>The klaxon sounds

what did he mean by this?

>flood lights fill the kinoplex and the "Let's all go to the Falconry" music starts playing

Kek.

What an obviously fake story. They haven't allowed hobos as a partner-substitute since 2009 when one guy brought a hobo who complained about the dance intermission ruined it for everyone.

Why didn't you just bring your avian companion in the first place?

My falcon got stuck in the mail.
And if hobos aren't allowed the who the hell did I pick up?

>Kino Negro holds my crab legs hostage and demands reparations

Is it just me or have they gotten more uppity?

You'd think Trump winning would have taught them a lesson.

literally bookmarking the archived version of this thread

This isn't anything special, there have been way better "cinema stories" threads.

>purchase class ^33X KINOTAUR class MK5 viewing pod
>have to shell out for a square for my mother in the mosh pit area to avoid no odd numbered groups rule
>Personal Pod Patron brings me my falcon, Dazzler
>There's a dull roar as the screen turbines start rolling, I can see the silhouettes of people cradling their heads in their hands and shaking
>Heatsinks on my pod are already glowing red. A few choice raptors swoop from the sealing and and are evaporated into molten paste by the plasma exhaust
>a riot has broken out in the lesser rows. KINOVAN blows through the wall and starts tasering the shit out of people with a giant electrical arc
>hunks of guts are squeeged from view as the arc goes wild and puts too much current through some people
>a few dull thuds as the theatre gang arrives and starts executing the kinocops
>movie trailer begins
>high speed precision drills shriek into my skull as I'm KINOLINKED to my falcon's brainwaves
>my falcon eyes zoom in for a better look
>"IF YOU EVER THOUGHT THAT CANADA WASN'T A PART OF THE SAME EXCITING CINEMATIC UNIVERSE AS MEXICO...GUESS AGAIN, 'MON HOMBRE'!"
>Inject myself with sleeping tincture to skip to the next preview
>It's just an ad for a local theatre doing Jesus Christ Superstar
>pick up my big novelty remote with my talons
>fast forward to the movie
>people below are getting agitated once again
>release my waste onto the crowd
That's it.