You have been appointed as the new manager of Everton F.C

You have been appointed as the new manager of Everton F.C.
How do you fix them?

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.Sell three of the 5 cams they have for 100m.
.Buy a centre-back, cdm and winger
.Buy a fucking striker

????

Still shit

Release Rooney

murder ashley williams and rooney so I go to prison and don't have to manage Everton while also improving them greatly

Going down la

drop Rooney and sell the team

>Liverpoo finish 6th or lower
>toxic fans celebrate because Everton are ded

Best timeline

murder ashley williams and rooney

sell Keane to manure for the same 300x markup they bought pogba back for... so 900m pounds

>Rooney dropped
>Lose 4-1 instead of 5-1

Not going to get you very far desu

>Drop Schneiderlin
>Put Williams in the fucking reserves until he's sane again
>Smack Gueye and Keane and make them remember they used to be ok
>Buy a striker and a defensive minded LB in Jan, maybe a RW too.
>Cheese out results to secure safety
>Win the league next season

It's simple lads

Buy some pacey niggers for the wings and start Rooney as false 9

Sell my players for bit coins.

Drop williams and rooney, also Schneirderlin.

Start Vlasic and Sandro because it's can't be any worse than it is already.

Buy a CB, a pure box to box CM and a fullback with Barkley money

climb the top of goodison and form a protest you will end yourself until we get a consistent run of points

The Everton Forum has a megathread about mental health and depression support, people there posting about cutting themselves after losing to Southampton. Desperate stuff.

>be born in liverpool
>suicide

What cruel cunts are telling them not to?

Rumours are there are players like Mirallas and Schneiderlin that are totally unprofessional and don't give a fuck. Cutting out the cancer would be a start.

Hire Sean Dyche as manager while sacking myself.

Do like Zenit and Sevilla and buy 5 or 6 Argentine players

here it is
grandoldteam.com/forum/threads/discussion-help-on-depression-mental-health-related-issues.62441/
9 thousand replies
300 thousand views

Sign some wingers, a centre-back and a good striker (though I don't think they'll be able to attract anyone better than they already have).

Also cull the cancer like said.

Play proper British football by hoofing it to newly signed Peter Crouch.

Go for a "teambuilding exercise" with the bus to southern England and drive it off the cliffs of Dover

>I can't support Everton anymore. I know it's a crime to change your team but when your team make you want to slice up your body, it's not worth it. Nearly all the recent scars are because of them. The entire team can all go to hell for all I care. I hate them. I hate them all. If this is what passion feels like, I don't want it. I spent 2 hours in A&E last night feeling like a total arse.

what??
apparently it's right that football truly is semen slurping sport for faggots

This would actually work too. No way they would get relegated if they signed Crouchy and played it simple.

Fire myself after appointing Allardyce as my successor desu.

>tfw was an everton season ticket holder for 20 years

Appoint Sizable Samuel.
Buy a big fucking 6'5 striker in the window.
Segregate Williams, Schneiderlin and Mirallas from the squad until they learn to care about training and follow the manager (and Williams stops being utter shit)
Hire a witch doctor to bring back Coleman and Bolasie asap

DCL/Rooney sub
Vlasic Lennon/Lookman
Gylfi

Klassen Gueye

Baines Jags Keane Kenny

>Everton fans are literally on suicide watch

Wow! I can't believe what an absolute cunt everton is. How could they be so abusive and let this guy cut himself? Are they even going to apologize for the grievances? Unbelievable. He should change teams ASAP.

Baines is dead m8

play these tactics

>Disband the club
>Unite with Liverpool
>Pit resources and fanbases together
>Finally able to compete financially with United/City/Chelsea

Literally the only way

Replace Ashley Williams with Purple Aki
Have Aki threaten to touch opposing players' muscles in the tunnel
Opposition shit themselves and let Everton win every match as they're scared of the big man

>fire every player but rppney
>resign

wtf is this, i've just googled purple aki

but what if city and united also unite

Is he still in jail?

>sell team to some oil billionaire
>he sinks billions into the team
>win every year

Seems pretty easy.

He's out, but reformed. He hasn't molested anyone since 2016.

we already have a billionaire owner, problem is we bought a bunch of shit players

I think the guy might be a dooping mental american

Drop Pickford because he's too short to be a keeper, played Stekelenburg or Robles instead.
Suck Coleman's dick until he's fit again, play him at RB, bring Jagielka back beside Keane, drop Holgate because he's shit, probably play Baines.
Play 3 in midfield with Besic, McCarthy and Gueye
Keep rotating between Niasse, Siggy, Miralias, Lennon, Barkley and Bolasie as a front 3, probably start Siggy more often than not.
Sack Umsworth because he's fat.

>Sell some dead wood
>Buy a fucking good striker
>Get rid of Rooney
>Make good investments
Everton finish 19th and are relegated.
>Get out of the club
>Get the Burton Albion job
>Play against them
>Win 3-0
>Get happy about it
>Realize you're an Everton fan
>Retire from football
>Become an alcoholic
>Realize you failed at life
>Hang yourself 10 years later
>People pay attention to it for 3 days then forget it

Spend Moshiri's billions on a time machine. Sabotage takeover. Keep bobby brown shoes.

Be midtable club with fans happy to beat Liverpool once a decade playing the "plucky Everton" card

Give rooney roids and watch his revival.

>get rid of second highest goalscorer in the team
no wonder you didn't make the world cup

>sell rooney, sandro, vlasic, klaasen, williams, baines, lennon
>buy that polish winger at hull
>buy andre grey
>buy fucking ben mee
>buy ben chilwell

4-2-3-1
Pickford; Coleman, Mee, Keane, Chilwell;
Gueye, Barkely;
Mirallas, Sigg, Lennon/Bolasie;
Grey

hold out until January. bring in
>Andy Carroll
>Robbie Brady
>Jonny Evans
Pickford
CL-Evans-Jagielka-Baines
Schneiderlin-Gueye
Siggurdsson-Davies-Brady
Carroll

Long ball the shit out of it. any set piece of Siggurdsson whacking into box with all the lanklets ready.
use Rooney as a sub ONLY when winning to just keep hold of ball and attempt safe passes.

>sell rooney
>bench rooney

Rooney is unironically their most creative and effective offensive player right now.

>sell vlasic
mate mate mate mate mate

>Ashley Williams
what happened? He was one of the best CB:s of the league in Swansea

>I didn't self-harm today. I'm quite proud of that. I am thinking of going to my parents' on Derby Day though. I don't want to be alone. I'm scared.
The absolute scenes if Liverpool batter them

He got fat over the summer and judging by his performances took a pretty hefty knock to the head