I've had a rough day Sup Forums. Give me all your best jokes

I've had a rough day Sup Forums. Give me all your best jokes.

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Here's a furball.

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What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

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That is a cat.
Source - me, seen a cat before.

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Have I told you about the time I tied my shoelaces with just the power of my mind?

Thought knot.

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a jew, a nig & a gook walk into a bar

the bartender sez

wtf dafuq r you doing in here?
get dafuq outta here!

I bought my boots off a drug dealer...
I don't what they are laced with, but I've been trippin' all day.

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My dog used to chase people on a bike...
It got so bad, I had to take his bike away :(

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(You)

What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?


Trike or treat

A man is driving a van full of monkeys to the zoo when it breaks down. The man calls AAA and they say they can get his van fixed in a couple hours, but he still wonders how he's going to deliver the monkeys.

Just then, another guy pulls over and asks the man if he needs help. He says, "Yeah, actually, I'll give you $50 to take these monkeys to the zoo down the road."

So the other guy takes the monkeys, the van driver gets his van towed, they fix it, and a couple hours later he drives to the zoo to check that the monkeys got delivered, only to find out they're not there.

Just then, he sees the other guy pulling out of the parking lot with all the monkeys in the back. He says, "Hey, what gives? I thought you were going to take the monkeys to the zoo?" To which he replies, "I did, and they had a great time, but we've got some money left over so we're going to the movies!"

checked

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Knock knock

>who's there

Alzheimers

>Alzheimers who?

>To get to the other side!

Oops. well you get the idea.

A man was out on a country drive when his engine died. He pulled over by a country gate and popped the bonnet. Taking a look at the engine, he realised he didn't know what was wrong and started scratching his head.

"It's probably your spark plugs, mate."

Startled, he looked around to see who had spoken, but there was no-one around. Just a horse grazing in a nearby field. Shaking it off, he ducked down over the engine again.

"Try taking the HT leads off and spray a bit of WD40 in there. That should see you right until you can get some new plugs. There's a garage in the village up the road."

This time he looked directly at the horse, who returned the stare, before leaning down to graze some more. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he grabbed the can of WD40 he had in the trunk and started removing the HT leads, just as the voice had said.

"Do one at a time. If you get them mixed up you'll be in a worse state than when you started.". He didn't look up this time, and just did as the voice had suggested. A few minutes later, he turned the ignition key and car spluttered back into life. He closed the bonnet, gave the horse an inquisitive look, and drove off.

A mile or two up the road, he found the garage the voice had mentioned and they started work straight away. Sure enough, it was the spark plugs.

"Do you know, the strangest thing happened down the road." he said to the mechanic, and he told him about the voice he'd heard, but the only living thing around was a horse. The mechanic thought for a second.

"Was it a brown horse?"
"Actually, yes it was."
"You're lucky. The white one knows fuck all about cars"

worth the read

Heh

A habit depraved and unsavory
Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
Midst screeches and howls
He deflowered young owls
Which he kept in an underground aviary

What is 12 long and makes a woman moan all night?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

What’s black and blue and hates sex?

The ten year old in my trunk.

What's the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?

Slicking her hair back and making her look six.

Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?

Watching him break down on the witness stand.

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck my dick.

A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”

What’s pink and dusty?

Madeline McCanns push bike

A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there like her mother.”

So they had a sex change scheduled for their daughter in an hours time?!

I don’t get it.
Oh, you’re just laughing at trans people...ha.. what a “funny” “”joke””.

I was talking to my Grandfather at my 30th birthday party, ”Wow 30 years, you know what I haven’t had in about 30 years?” he asks.
”A hard penis.” I said sending my friends into laughter.
”No!” he replied winking, ”A baby sucking my cock!”

Is the seven year old having their period already?
How would she get pregnant if she’s prepubescent?

What's the best thing about fucking twenty three year olds?

There's twenty of em

He couldn’t find another baby for 30 years?
Why not?

What are their names?
I don’t believe you

a man was walking home when he noticed a gorilla on a tree, so he called a cop.

When the cop arrived he explained to the man that his equipment included a ladder to climb the tree, a stick to push the gorilla off, a Chihuahua that would bite the gorilla on the nuts as soon as it fell, a rope to tie the gorilla, and a shotgun.

When the man asked what the shotgun was for, the cop replied: It's for you, in case I fall first, please shoot the Chihuahua.

What's the difference between Madeline McCann and the last pope?

The last pope died a virgin

What's better than winning gold at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.

Are you legit retarded or is this bait?

Why would he call the police and not Animal Rescue?
The police would just tell him to call animal rescue.
This story doesn’t make sense.

The dad wanted to repay the daughter's curiosity by fucking her, ergo giving her the D. That's the joke.

Yeah yeah, whatever trans hating faggot.
You people make me sick.
Let the little girl identify however she likes, it’s literally none of your Fucking business

A haughty young wench of Del Norte
Would fuck only men over forty.
Said she, "It's too quick
With a young fellow's prick;
I like it to last, and be warty

Why wait an hour though?
What specific event necessitates the waiting of an hour?

Limericks .
Seriously?!
Limericks??

In 2019.
This is what you faggots find funny?
Are we regressing as a species?

What do you get when cross a mexican and an octopus?

I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce!

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently, more than six because my basement is still dark

Pepito, ve a la tienda y tráeme pegamento.
- ¡¡No quiero!!
Entonces te pego.
- ¿Y cómo me vas a pegar si no tienes pegamento?

Why don't Baptists fuck standing up?

They're afraid it'll lead to dancing

So that on Saturday, October 19, 2019, some user at 10pm would question this shit and we'd all have a good laugh at how predictable you were

Two fags and two dykes are going to have a race from New York to San Francisco. Who's going to win and why?

The dykes are going to win. They'll be outta there lickety split while the fags are busy packing each others shit.

Some of these “jokes”, I was telling at 8 years old during recess.

I grew up...my sense of humour matured.
Why haven’t you?

So, the dykes aren’t taking any luggage with them?
What more of transportation are they using?
That’s surely the determining factor in the race.
There really isn’t enough info in the opening statement to accurately predict a winner.

The last pope didn't die

That’s why the guy called the police instead of animal rescue?
But there is no mention of my post in the story at all?!

How do stop a nigger from drowning?

Take your foot off his head

*you* are the story

How many niggers does it take to shingle a roof?

Depends on how thin you slice em

I mean literally, this is a ‘joke’ from the 70’s.

That is objectively not true. I am not a gorilla, nor a policeman (sic - animal rescuer)

liberals: We literally need to feed them lgtb
Kellogs: Hold my milk

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How do you get a nigger out of a tree?

Cut the rope

didn't say you were a policeman or a gorilla

How do you fit 50 wetbacks into a phonebooth?

A blender

You and me both.

How do you keep baby niggers from jumping on the bed?

-Put velcro on the ceiling.

How do you get them back out?

Doritos

So I’m the bystander?
No. Because if that were true, I would have called animal rescue...because I’m not retarded.

no, you are the story. Not the policeman, not the gorilla, not a bystander. The story

How high is an average baby?
How high is an average ceiling?
That wouldn’t stop them from jumping on the bed.

what doesn't belong in this progression; meat, dog, wife, blowjob.

blowjob. because you can beat your meat, you can beat your dog, you can beat your wife, but you can't be a blowjob.

>and if it's all tongue and teeth, that's not a blowjob.

What's Brown and Sounds like a bell?

Feel free to start making sense any time.

you are one unfunny faggot

How do you seat 502 jews in a VW Bug?

Two in the front, 500 in the ashtray

What do you call a nigger on a bike?
-thief

dung

A Shell.
A brown one

Toothy blowjob = chipped beef

That’s because those aren’t “jokes”, you retard.
Do they look like jokes to you?

Where is the standard - set up>punchline?

Nowhere.

Because they’re not jokes.

Idiot

sweet

dung indeed

What happens when you step on a grape?

-It let's out a little wine.

and you are less entertaining and funny that those "jokes" with your predictable samefagging

What do you call a white guy surrounded by eleven niggers?

Coach

Im not sure? Do you have a rape bag ready to go? When you want to rape a child do you just go for it?

What do you call a white guy surrounded by two niggers?

Victim

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What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

What's ninety year old pussy taste like?

Depends

Well, had a deadline been included in the set up (ie; the wife will leave on 1 hours time) then maybe it would been a slightly better constructed joke.

We really should drill down to the bottom of this.

And you saying “predictable” is the most predictable thing of all.

Romans 5:8 KJv
>But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

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What do call an abortion clinic in the ghetto?

Crimestoppers

An Irishman, A Scotsman and an Englishman wall into a bar.
The Barman says “Is this some kind of joke?”

Why don't niggers get abortions?

They can't steal em

wonder why

because god isn't real and i gave several hints during my life. the vatican is strong

i think i'd kill my grandfather if he said that

her mother was getting ready to leave so presumably he was waiting for that

What do you call 50,000 fags at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start