In concession line for cooler filled with melted butter at cinéma

>in concession line for cooler filled with melted butter at cinéma
>the guard in the watchtower shines his searchlight on me

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desuarchive.org/co/thread/91365227
youtube.com/watch?v=JBx-vydxfKU
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>1944 concentration camp movie theaters were literally ten times safer than modern american ones are

>ticket usher finds my CamelBak™ underneath my scorpion jacket
>forced to clean the falcon cages during the whole movie
>they let me in the theater for the credits and that's it

>tfw had to spend 15 toenail clippings on a loaner falcon because i couldn't jeapordize my film license

>feminists got rid of gender-separated cinema showers
>now gotta watch Chad bone some chick in the stall next to me whenever I go to refresh myself in the movie break

>a single walks in

I thought this said confession line.
Why don't cinemas have confession booths any more? There are no churches near my local cinema so I have to go to the other side of town to confess after watching a flick.

>The fucking cashier made me take off my socks and wear them on my hands AGAIN

Are you new or something? Have you not read Paul Dano's "A history of Classic Cinémathequés (according to Post-Avant-Gardé Theology)" yet?

Confession booths were banned almost everywhere after the "Truth Incident" of 11 January 1999 where a NY Stock trader went for a confession and killed almost everyone in the theater from the words he uttered.

Only a single man survived, but his name is protected and he is rumored to be paralysed.

This scene from Kingsman was loosely base don the same incident.

>make the line to buy movie tickets by myself
>there's like 20 people in the line, not a single person except me is alone
>suddenly I find myself tackled to the ground and handcuffed
>I fucking forgot it became illegal in my state to go to theater alone

Thank you fucking alot James Holmes

>go to local BBQ theater
>It's a bull roast tonight
>This faggot that trained his falcon to take other peoples' food is there again
>His uncle is the falconry officer so he gets away with it
>Decide tonight is the tonight
>while the Faggot is gorging on bull testicles and corn bread I take my own falcon to the falcon penis inspection facility
>while dropping him off I notice the Faggot's faggot falcon in the waiting cage
>take the cage with his falcon in it, it starts humping the sides of the cage for some reason, I think it was in heat
>sneak up to the bbq grill
>suddenly the falcon ejaculates and it gets everywhere, it has a consistency like silly string
>panic and just chuck the cage onto the grill, at this point the falcon is in distress and is making weird squawking sounds
>duck out of there and get my own falcon back
>come back and it smells like chicken and burnt marshmallows
>didn't even taste that bad

>received a life sentence in the kinoplex popcorn mines for escaping the designated shooter
>got transferred to the soda pump fields for good behavior
>cum and piss in every soda batch as a revenge for the injustice i've suffered

I've been in the popcorn mines since last September. They let me shitpost for ten minutes once a month and I'm not even allowed to check for (You)s once my time is up.

You're so weird user.

>6 minutes have passed

S-still there, user?

That's actually rather clever.

look at /fit/s embarrassingly unfunny copy of these threads

they try to do the whole "hurhurhur absurd dystopian" bit with gyms but they are so unfunny it hurts to read.

These threads will always reign supreme over the clueless chadlets that will never be genuinely funny.

I've been making these on different boards today.

I made one on Sup Forums but it was deleted.
desuarchive.org/co/thread/91365227

>At my local Comic Book Dispenser to buy this week's comics with my pet chihauha
>pay $40 for three-minute access to the dispenser
>pay $10 extra for a single crab leg to eat while I wait
>mandatory ideology checker comes to me
>asks me if feminism is the epitome of humanity
>Answer yes and read out my 100-word essay on "The Merits of the Matriarchy" that I copied from the internet
>The checker knows, fined $50 but he let me go and graded me C for effort.
>30 seconds left
>quickly enter the names of the comics I want
>Put in $100 dollars
>Forgot to turn off the writer-personalization effect
oh_shit.jpg
>First comic is a Bendis
>It comes out muddled with the pages flipped and in monochrome
>10 seconds left
>The next comic is by Snyder, and only half was printed before the time ran out
>ripped out my copy
>guy next in line tried to hit me because I left three ripped pages in the dispenser and he had only 50 seconds left

Well, at least the Snyder comic was a little above trash.

>Snuck in a dozen king crab legs taped under my shirt
>cracking and eating them, swatting away the falcons circling overhead
>Suddenly an usher is shining a light in my face
>Says the only food allowed is food purchased at the concession stand
>Says he knows I did not buy them at the theater as they had not been dipped in glowstick liquid to make them look like lightsabers as marketing for starwars
>takes my crab and fines me $450
>go to concessions to buy my theater approved crab legs
>sold out
>get hunger games:mockingjay part 2 themed boiled goose instead
>theater falcon snatches it from me halfway through the flick

Rather enjoyed myself, saw the new James Bond movie.

For my money, ain't nothing will ever beat the theater experience. Just too many great feels to be had.
>taking a newly trained falcon to see a flick for the first time
>buying a medium popcorn when you're on a budget and savoring the more maneuverable wheelbarrow that comes with it
>getting picked as the designated shooter and setting a new theater record with your SKS
>the thrill of crawling through no man's land, dodging spotlights and death squads when you're single just to see the latest capeshit
>taking a qt to a kino and catching her shy but impressed gaze when you get picked for a random penis inspection

Nothing quite like it, boys!

>sit down, get comfy
>farmer sitting in front of us turns round, doffs flat-cap, recognises me
>'nice to see ya courting'
>'aye'
>'not courting heavy tho are ya'
>'how do you work that out then'
>'no maltesers is it'
>shakes his maltesers at us
>'textbook scram a pack of maltesers mind you'
>film starts
>whispering behind me
>'new blacksmith down cords lane looking for apprentices mind'
>'watch he don't end up with jokers like these two'
>'aye.'
>long pause
>'tough old trade as it is'

I love these threads

>penis inspection day
>stand in line
>suddenly notice who is going to inspect my uncut dick
>jewish doctor
>bolt out of there

fuck penis inspection day

>walk into cinema, alone
>settle in
>voice booming from the back "oi no sweaty bettys in here mate"
>turn round its llanarth rodge with a few tins of scrimpy
>"oh alright rodge"
>"cider glider with me?"
>accept his invitation, go sit next to him
>"you been rolling round in the hay with some pooftas have you"
>"nah just bailing"
>rodge finishes his scrimpy, throws it down on the floor with some contempt
>"nothing like bailing mind you. hang on, its fucking christian bale in this! christian hay-baler. fuckin hel imagine that, not batman but the Bale Man!"
>"do well round here"

Fucking Bongs.

Septics won't understand a word of this, mate.

>go to theater
>pay for ticket
>person at desk tells me to enjoy my movie and I say thanks
>get to my seat
>film starts
>realize I need to use the restroom about midway though the movie so I get up and go to the restroom
>when I come back to the theater I sit down
>watch the rest of the movie then leave when it ends
>exit theater and see flash of white light across the sky
>disintegrate, my ashes paint the ground before my mind can process what is happening

I don't understand. First I thought Scimpy was shrimp, then I realised you said tins. So, cider? I have no idea what the Christian Bale one is, though.

>go to see a movie
>don't want to pay for overpriced crab legs there so smuggle my own
>new inspector in cinema showers to make sure noone brings a weapon
>hide the crab legs
>inspector comes over while I'm showering
>ohshitheknows
>"Nice package you got there"
>panic
>"T-thanks. Y-You too. "
>he blushes
We're together for 6 months now and he still doesn't know I'm straight
Lol what a fag right?

>gf breaks up with me, want to go see the latest capeshit
>no one wants to go with me, theater has "no singles" policy
>only applies to males, so I borrow a dress from my sister, buy a wig, and put on some makeup
>I had just started doing SS (/fit/ here) and all the squats had led to me having a big ass
>figure I'll play up the curves, help with the deception
>get to the theater, buy my ticket, get in line
>tackled by theater guards out of nowhere
>suddenly it hits me
>it's February
>black history month
>it's MLK weekend
>they think I'm a white woman
>I'm put in the theater stocks along with every other white female 16-25, my dress is pulled up, my panties are slipped down
>everyone claps as the theater bulls walk into the room, BBCs swinging as they walk
>a cacophony of grunts, squeals, moans, ecstatic pleas for more, and the sound of black flesh mercilessly pounding against lily white buttcheeks fills the room
>in all the excitement, the bull who has prepared to mount me doesn't realize I'm a boy
>fills my ass, mistakes my cries for help as screams of pleasure
>leaves me limp, shaking, and filled with seed

Saw Deadpool that night, 8/10

Did you suck his dick? As a joke, hahaha, just mates, hahaha, banter right? Hahaha. I did it once, then kissed him with some cum still in my mouth, as a joke lol, got him good.

Just banter lad, just friendly banter.

These are only funny when it's a little exaggerated

well yeah the jews do run hollywood

>decide to skip my local cinemaplex to watch a movie at my house
>use my local cinemaplex's online service to book a virtual show at my house
>book two tickets for Logan for $99 each
>complimentary virtual crab legs are offered to me
>the NSP is enforced on my house
>thankfully, my sister is home.
>call her to watch Logan with me
>mfw I have to fight her for 15 minutes
>fined $50 for being late to the screening
>I started banging my anvil, but my sister then started shouting.
>virtually evacuated from the cinemaplex and handcuffed for arguing with a female
>Destiny (my falconette) decides to have revenge, she poisons my sister's crab legs
>my sister is about to eat them, I am unable to do anything
>just then, the doorbell rings
>It's the executioner who's come to take me to the popcorn mines, along with the designated shooter and the foreskin checker
>I forgot my anvil upstairs, and Destiny is with my sister
>I call destiny and ask her to bring my sister down
>I ask the executioner, designated shooter and foreskin checker to take a seat
>The shooter's hands are quivering
>I ask my sister ot bring the crab legs
>thye eat them
>all three drop dead, but the shooter's quivering finger puts a bullet in Destiny
>My eyes red, I free myself from my shackles
>I put Destiny in the fireplace and scribbled above it, "for the bird, for freedom"
>turned on the heat
>mfw

Fuck cinemaplexes

>go to local cinemaplex
>decide to see Logan
>pay $30 for the ticket
>decide I'm hungry and queue up for some snacks
>'That'll be $35 please'
>What the fuck?
>"Are you sure? That seems a bit steep."
>"Yes, I am sure. $35 please."
>"Are you sure you didn't click the extra large popcorn button by mistake, I ordered medium"
>"Sir, all prices are set by Corporate Office"
>I'm mad by now, fuck this Jewery
>"Fuck that, I'm not paying that"
>Cashier looks over to the guard from corner of eye
>"Ayo, what's up homie? Whats takin' so lawng"
>Turn round in a huff to give this subhuman scum nignog a piece of my mind
>6'8 beefcake
>I'm barely up to his ripping pecs
>"Um..."
>"What's up dawg? You movin or what?"
>Quickly bring a $50 out of my pocket and slam it on the table and grab my food
>"K-keep the change"
>I scurry away into theatre
>As I walk pass the shredded nigger I notice this qt3.14 white grill on his waist, practically fucking him right there
>She smirks at me as I go past
>I get into the theatre to watch Sup Forums recommended kino
>start thinking of all the things I should have said to the cashier AND the subhuman
>can't enjoy the movie at all

Fucking Cinemaplex.

>in line for my popcorn
>teenagers making fun of me in the line

>go to American theater
>as I enter a siren goes off, police strip-search me for weapons as I'm a young man going to the movies alone
>tip the police as I go to purchase my ticket
>$20 for the ticket +taxes +single male fee + tip
>hand $40 over, good deal
>get popcorn, only $20 plus tip
>am given a block of butter with a couple kernals on it
>go to the theater entrance
>guy rips my ticket stub, stops me, asks for a tip
>give him $10, some women behind me call me cheap and laugh
>police come in again, radar check me and have me go through an airport x-ray
>tip them again
>sit down in theater, tip the janitor for cleaning up
>movie begins
>everyone forms a single line to tip the guy working the projector
>sit back down
>all of the sudden someone starts shooting up the theater
>tip the shooter but he still shoots me
>get an ambulance, tip the driver and paramedic
>go to the hospital, bullet only grazed me, 6 stitches
>$1,000,000 hospital bill + tip

See, this is more like it. It's realistic not this 'falcon anvil popcorn mine penis inspector' tier shit.

haha okay buddy

>make my way to the public teleportation chambers to see the latest hollywood reboot flick
>accidentally select hell as the destination
>still somehow ended up in a cinema

you need to get the fuck out, newfag.

Fuck off. You're cancer.

lmao

Not an argument.

>user's who support the hard working Memesmen of this board are cancer.
Memes are the lifeblood of any decent board. If it wasn't for innovative Memesmen pushing the envelope and making next level maymays, this board would be fucking reddit by now.

You need to give one first, faggot.

This is why cinema threads are deleted. Just stop. sStop responding to the troll.

You're not the boss of me.

Thanks for the (You)'s.

Back at ya!

>moved to Alabama
>finally get around to check the local cinema for Jurassic World
>get in sit down ready to enjoy a nice flick
>suddenly the waiter comes around
>"We don't like your kind around here"
>"w-what?"
>Look around
>Realize everybody but me are couples. they stare at me
>"The S-Word. SINGLES. NOT IN MY THEATRE"
>"I'm s-sorry I didn't see the sign"
>"There is no sign everybody knows the rules"
>"Please I don't want trouble"
>"We don't want trouble either but theres gotta be rules. Imagine we allow singles and couples sitting next to each other. What next?"
>"I I would never... like..."
>"Leave now before we show you what we do with singles in this town"
Had to stream the movie

>great kinoplex opened in my neighborhood
>keep failing the damn penis inspection
>try to discretely rub my dick while in line to get a semi, still fail
>go to sex shop to get a fake cock but they only have black ones

I tried to wrap a 20 around it once, but the guy just snatched it off and didn't let me in. When I asked for it back, he just said "what 20 dollars?" Anyone has some tips? For the record I have an uncut 2", 4" erected

>everyone forms a single line to tip the guy working the projector

>this guy actually posted his Sup Forums version thinking it was decent and worth a kek
>nobody replied to it in almost 3 hours because it was so shit

Must suck to be you. I hope this made you realize that you should never try to be creative again.

>t. non-creative faggot who hides in his mother's basement because he doesn't want to try

>midnight
>think it's safe to head down to the local underground cinema, where the NSP is never enforced
>slip and slide down all the side streets
>head into a kebab store
>cooks all looking at me
>"The crow masks its scent with ranch dressing"
>they nod and I head into the secret door behind the fridge
>buy my ticket to Rango (being an illegal theatre they get movies really late after being smuggled into the Zone)
>cashier says 'enjoy your movie'
>'you too'
>we both freeze
>his eyes glaze over
>his jaw drops until it's at his bellybutton
>a speaker comes out of his mouth
>"AWKWARDNESS DETECTED"
>i am forcibly ejected by the speaker as it pushes me back out the way i came, repeating "AWKWARDNESS DETECTED"
>flip my ticket on the street for half the price I paid
>get a kebab and listen to the movies sound leaking through the walls

>missed the end of Logan because I had jury duty at the kino court

>first time in american cinema house
>nervous but prepared
>hand tickey wicky collector my passport and health records
>looks me up and down
>start to sweat
>stamps me in
>find seat in theater
>suddenly everyone stands to give the pledge of allegience
>pretend to mouth the words but woman on my row begins to notice
>leaves theater
>comes back with cinema sheriff
>ohfuckherewego
>approaches me and demands to see paperwork
>drop to my knees and begin to pray
>everyone including sheriff does the same
>slowly slip out the door
>need place to hide
>ask cinema chaplain if they accept bidet badges
>immediately calls for help
>thrown in theater penitentiary for 3 weeks
>deemed a war criminal
>deported back to uk

Was spectre any good?

youtube.com/watch?v=JBx-vydxfKU

>they had not been dipped in glowstick liquid to make them look like lightsabers as marketing for starwars
This fucking got me

If you are the man who created this masterpiece, I think you will be delighted to know that I fall asleep to this.

>sneak in a bag of my own snackz under my belly fold at Regal Kino's parking lot
>walk in and the qt hole puncher gal gets my ticket then gives me a look and presses a button on her walkie talkie "code 4!"
>the guards of Kino descend from behined the movie posters and the king kong displays
>they give me a Miranda warning
>They give me a pat me down
>heart is racing
>do you have any chips on you?
>no sir
>do you have any food,snacks,beverages,candy, or any other consumable on you?
>n-no sir!
>one runs his hand under my fold and grabs my chips in my pants
>They're not mine sir they were prescribed by my doctor
>doctors don't prescribe chipz user, you're going to have to testify to the highest level of the Regal supreme court
>fug
>He digs more and 12 tina's burritos fall out of my folds
>he puts it in a ziploc and go to the condiment room
>get sent to snak tank with other snack smugglers
>cinema hoppers don't get the privilege, they're executed by the CEO of Regal
>talking to cellmate
>he was sent here to push candy by Pablo Snickerbar
>My trial comes
>I'm sentenced for life as a post movie cleaning cuck
>they make us sleep on the floor and we are fed what we sweep in with our dust pans
>those who escape are quickly dealt with when the implanted chip in their brain releases clotting serum

Jesus fuck

continue?

>be me
>watching latest state mandated capekino at the KinopleX
>in the middle of the flick there is a raffle conducted by the ticket fuhrer
>1 seat gets chosen to act as a honorary kino guard
>it's me
>i get up, go to the side and meet him behind the barbwire
>i get an AR-15 and a ceremonial katana
>he instructs me
>if i see a single come in, i shall shoot on sight
>if someone refuses to clap during the credits, i shall shoot one warning shoot in the air, if they don't comply and start clapping i will go in for the kill
>if a falcon attacks another falcon during the popcorn rain i will have to fight both of them with my katana
>he leaves to go and hunt down a man that didn't laugh at the quips in Deadpool 7
>everything is going smooth
>suddenly, a single comes in
>he's wearing a some retarded jacket with a scorpion on it
>i freeze and loose grip of my gun and drop it
>we look each other in the eyes
>he mutters "I-i d-drive" before turning back and running away, the piss bottles hidden in his cargo pants flopping out
>i sprint after him
>i chase him through the shower maze and the lobby
>he gets out
>kino guards have no jurisdiction out of the KinopleX, so i stop
>when the ticket fuhrer gets back he sentences me to 20 minutes in the crab pit for failure to carry out my duties

i got out pretty good though, they got some fingers but i must have smashed 30-40 of them. My hands reeked of crab for weeks.

>born in the theatre, grew up in the theatre, lived in the theatre and knew I would die in the theatre
>father was a ticket ripper, mother was a crab masseuse
>we lived with the rest of the theatre-born, in a huge building under the theatre. The building was shaped like a billiards board as seen from above, seven concentric circles dividing us between the theatre castes, with the lowest castes on the outside and the emperor of the theatre (Peace be upon him) in the center
>mother was born into class 5, the third lowest class of worker, which consisted of the seat warmers, the cage cleaners, the crab masseuse and the prostitutes for class 2. They were not often tipped and many times did their job for free
>father was class 3, a fairly respectable place among the theatre-folk, the outsiders were legally required to give a tip to any of these workers. Father had to work hard to get people to choose him as their ticket ripper, there were approximately 700 other ticket rippers at any given time on the floor

>father fell in love with mother on his way to inform one of the watchmen of a man attempting to break the no singles policy by disguising a horse as his wife. My father had the eyes of a hawk, and would never let any outsider slip by without the proper paperwork
>my father brought the man and his horse into the Class 2 designated interracial breeding grounds, where the dark skinned guardsman fornicate with the pale women of class 5.
>with two very dark, very large men inside her, my father and my mother met eachother's eyes, and it was love at first sight
>my father scrounged his tip money for three years, eating nothing but floor popcorn illegally sold by the class 6's floor lickers and drinking the dirty crab water that he stole from the gigantic underground crab hatchery
>in three years time father bought her from vice admiral ja'queen of the IBG, the law states she must be transferred to a different job within the class, since she never learned to speak (it was unnecessary as a slave for life to the IBG) he chose for her, crab masseuse.
>since the moment I could stand I was trained in the ways of ticket ripping
>i've honed my skill and tore all of my tickets perfectly for the ticket ripping certification exam held on my 18th birthday

>first day on the floor
>the whole day I'm trying desperately to get an outsider to choose me as their ticket ripper, my station is clean and flawless, my uniform is unwrinkled and spotless, my demeanor professional but friendly
>in the last few minutes of work an outsider male comes up to me, shakily hands me a ticket, which I tear flawlessly and hand back to him with a beaming smile
>I hold out my hand waiting for my first bit of tip money i've earned myself
>the man hands me a dirty green penny with a bit of gum stuck on it
>"I d-don't believe in tipping, g-get a real job" he tells me with a face of fearful defiance
>internally i'm in a vortex of torment, thinking about my dead mother and crippled father I have to feed with this penny
>externally I say "enjoy your movie sir" with a smile that seemed almost genuine
>we lock eyes one last time as he exclaims "y-you too"

BUMP

>go to the absurdly dystopian movie theater where ridiculous things tend to happen
>get executed on the spot as i attempt to enter because i forgot to bring my female companion

that is a very rare and impressive pepe. Can I keep it?

i took a big risk stealing it from another user back in the day, but i suppose you can have it since you asked nicely

>For the record I have an uncut 2", 4" erected
Would there be enough of a market for a kinoplex catering exclusively to guys with tiny dicks to be profitable?

A single one of these threads >>> the entirety of baneposting

Thanks!!

Hothead spotted

You're the perfect designated shooter.

checked

How would you deal wih e government who sponsors the kinoplexes and enforces the NSP and mandatory penis checks?

I guess you could only show public domain movies

No, the government will enforce the NSP if you own a kinoplex. Doesn't matter waht kind of movies you shiw.

>movie theater usher found the cum box again

>go to see GiTS last tuesday, matinee tickets half off
>pay $40 and another $48 to renew my expired singles pass
>get inside and go to showers
>ohshitnigger.gif
>newly installed cameras so I can't put on my fake dick to get through the virgin scanner
>decide to navigate through the popcorn mines instead
>bigmistake.doc
>several hours go by and I'm lost in a labyrinth, stumbling over a sea of cobwebs and bones of dead virgins
>starting to get cold and my flashlight is running low
>can't even hear the sound of pickaxes or popping kernels anymore
>see a dimly lit cave
>inside an old man greets me, he tells me has not seen a human face in 28 years
>his virgin ID collar looks like one of the earliest models
>agrees to lead me to the exit if I can return with sour patch kids
>only brought $600 with me and still have to tip the ushers
>agree anyway and he leads the way through treacherous mountain passes and intricate cave systems
>hear barking
>its the virgin sniffing dogs, and they sound hungry
>start to run, but the old man is too slow
>he twists his ankle and falls, I go back for him but he tells me to go on without him, the exit is just over the hill
>reluctantly part ways with tears in my eyes
>as i reach the crest of the hill, all I can hear are the sounds of dogs ripping him apart
>his screams will forever haunt my memories
>finally get inside the theater
>sneak past the sleeping guard in the watchtower
>show my ticket and singles pass to the android gatekeeper and he suspiciously eyes me
>finally opens the heavy iron gates and lets me in after swabbing my mouth and verifying my birth certificate and bloodtype
>bomb and active shooter drills just finished, sit down in my seat to watch the movie
left halfway through, it was shit.

>only brought $600 with me and still have to tip the ushers