Happy birthday, based Steven

Happy birthday, based Steven

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Literally who?

He's as big as the Universe

I hope nobody snatches h

A good man.

Richie. Anybody seen him?

*snatches your birthday*

youtube.com/watch?v=J7kGyjBrjUs
He snatched another?

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It's my birthday too, didn't get a card or anything

youtube.com/watch?v=yxloUBCYuFM

What is this new military tactic of riding a hoverboard

SNATCHED
N
A
T
C
H
E
D

>when you've trained your body to the peak of physical performance and you dont have to expend energy on moving fast since you walk like an extremely fast penguin
>unfortunately this forbidden technique makes you fat as fuck since it becomes almost impossible to lose weight doing cardio
based seagull.

*Blocks your path*

>Goldeneye with Bighead mode enabled.webm

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>Im the cook

that fat guy who cant act or fight

>only watched Under Siege as a kid, don't remember any of it
>keep hearing it's the one good Seagal movie
>keep hearing it getting compared to Die Hard
>finally watch it
>mfw

How the hell can you have such a shitty grasp on what makes Die Hard good that you think Under Siege is like it? It isn't even a one-guy-against-the-terrorists movie, since he gets help. Every bit of charm imbued in John McClane's character and all the realism in the fight scenes are completely gone. John McClane makes jokes while being obviously stressed. Seagal just makes shitty jokes because his character's a sociopath who's incapable of even showing emotion.

it was so close to the initially idea of the third die hard that they had to ditch the script and start over

You telling me Under Siege is the reason we didn't get Die Hard set on a cruise liner or navy ship?

Now I'm even more mad.

but it didnt stop Speed 2: cruise control

>got Speed 2 and Under Siege but no Die Hard set on a boat


DIE HARD WAS MADE FOR HAVING MCCLANE CRAWLING AROUND DUCTS ON A BOAT GODDAMMIT! REEEEEE

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Punani

Happy Birthday Lord Steven and thank you for your service

Is steven a gay?

Autistic

youtube.com/watch?v=NqA3UoMH4yY

redpilled Seagal protecting the border

>"martial arts expert" said more than once

If he is a martial arts expert his movies must have the worst stunt coordination ever, because he looks retarded when fighting. Like someone who just has the basics down and none of the acting skills to cover up for it. Hell, at the end of the Under Siege clip they used in that video he's just straight-up slapping the guy on the ground.

>he's teaching deputies how to shoot and clear rooms

Jesus Christ I'd be terrified living there.

Is this a CIA thang?

Someone wouldn't happen to have that video that used to be posted on /k/ and sometimes here where there's a group of wannabe-police guys training in clearing rooms in this open setting in the desert, and they keep almost shooting eachother over and over again because they don't know how to stay out of eachother's line of fire?

I suddenly remembered it when imagining clearing a house with Seagal behind me. I'd be shitting bricks just because of him, nevermind any bad guys in the house. You'd never know when he'd decide to switch hands or some shit.

youtube.com/watch?v=0xLhARLQXks
Happy Birthday Stevie

youtube.com/watch?v=GSzj7DsHSfw

How come Putin has such a hard on for him? Or is Seagal another pawn on the chess board?

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little gaijin? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the CIA, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret illegal cock-fight raids in Arizona, and I have over 300 confirmed snatched birthdays. I am trained in punani warfare and I’m the top Katana master in the entire world. You are nothing to me but just another birthday. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my mumbling words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my good buddy Putin and his network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking snatched, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can snatch your birthday in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have a vast collection of Katanas and I will use them to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking snatched, kiddo.

Jesus Christ

Stephen plays guitar finger-style.

Source: I'm a guitarist

Anybody seen the new Deus Ex movie? It's looking pretty good.

Interesting, how does that compare to a Plectrum?

oops

is he a good player?

youtube.com/watch?v=ibJaIHThz1k

For you

for separatists

youtube.com/watch?v=ip-GzfOUe90

Bruce and Sammy end up on a boat in Die Hard With A Vengeance

whats his best movie? Out for justice?

Hes not that bad, considering hes only playing with his thumb instead of a pick or clawhammer style.

It's the standard way of playing for spanish-style guitar

>he doesn't know based steven

SMASH THAT PUNANI

But that uses the whole hand, i only see seagal playing with only his thumb.

Under Siege of course

I guarantee you thats from Brazil

wha happen?

He is best operator.

Huh, really. When I was learning acoustic guitar, I was taught that growing your nails out on your entire right hand was preferable, as you will be using them all

Close. Its from Ghana.

Haha get a load of this guy, he can play the guitar! Why don't you go suck a bunch of cocks, you lace-curtain, showboating faggot?
Just kidding my man, you seem like a good kid. It's just that it's my job on this board to bring the bantz from time to time, no hard feelings though. Alright kid, get back out there

thats not close

Teacher of Martial Arts

His daughter is a superior kaijukino actress.

>If he is a martial arts expert his movies must have the worst stunt coordination ever, because he looks retarded when fighting. Like someone who just has the basics down and none of the acting skills to cover up for it. Hell, at the end of the Under Siege clip they used in that video he's just straight-up slapping the guy on the ground.
He's aikido guy, it looks exactly as he does it(he in fact is great at it, even now as he's fat as fuck) but it's not exactly nice looking martial art. Unusual, sure. It's not effective either, unless you're fighting somebody who just charges on you, which makes sense because it was devised for women for defence against burglars and such, so it has low physical requirements and works only against unskilled opponent.

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This guy, the best of his many insane lies has to be that he was in a 'all black' blues band, and the year he stated would have made him 5 years old at the time.

Being a compulsive liar is of course a benefit in Hollywood.

kek

youtube.com/watch?v=DgYlKtLq9FE

I've heard Hugh Laurie is training neurosurgeons at John Hopkins as well.

pure kino

IMAGINE

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I need to watch this

Is there a single movie where his character isnt a mary-sue?

>that painted-over 'you'

He's the cook.

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executive decision hes not the main character and dies randomly in the middle

apparently he was so upset about his character getting killed that he locked himself in his trailer and would not come out unless they rewrote the scene.

you
just
know

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This is my favorite one. That fucking face bop kills me.

he's decent
definitely not what i'd call a 'guitar master' like the video does but he seems to understand the basic blues scale pretty well

this is the strangest thing I've ever witnessed

I just watched it yesterday and the scene at the start of him knifing three terrorists even when his team had silenced weapons show that Seagal kino never stood a chance.

have you seen him doing the russian dance?

I wonder if he had a punani for his birthday?

Listening to Songs from the Crystal Cave right now

That spray-on hair line

this movie looks worse with every new clip
i should really watch it

what movie is that one from?

Its a very good film

youtube.com/watch?v=d1In78YppuA

>tfw filmmaker struggling to be noticed
>tfw every seagal thread depresses me cause his films frequently have budgets over over $10m despite looking like they cost $100
>tfw i'll literally have to work my ass off through sweat, hard work and brown nosing to get a budget anywhere even close to that

that fucking goatee, everytime

also i just rewatched Dark Zone again...jesus christ so cringy

i forgot he literally wispers ever line

also kek at when he turned native american mid-way in the 90s

PS fuck him for literally the worst marketing ploy ever for Executive Desision

nigger is on the front of the box, was in the trailers and is 2nd billed, but ends up being a fucking F117 pilot who dies literally 30 seconds on -screen time

everytime i see him i think hes doing a impersonation of kevin nash

youtube.com/watch?v=Ywapu37npWk

>America 2045
Holy shit, Bladerunner 2049 BTFO before it even gets released!

His movies are solely made for money laundering

Seagal is probably completely oblivious to this

get a clue

A Good Man

>tfw birthday once a year
>always ends up getting snatched
JUST FOR ONCE I WANT TO BLOW OUT THE CANDLES PLEASE

>nothing personel kiddo