I think it’s time to admit that no matter how much I try to be normal, I will always be a fucking retard. Four years ago I was a fat, socially retarded, vidya obsessed, virgin. I started going to therapy. Hit the gym consistently and started dieting. Read books on how to talk to people and developed a large social circle. Learned how to really schmooze. Got invited to parties and banged a few chicks. Studied porn in order to be a fucking don juan sex god. Went to uni and got myself a decent job lined up. I did all of these things. But just today, I realized how no matter what surface level shit I do, no matter what behavioral correction I undertake, I will always be a fucking loser on the inside. I’ll never get rid of my fucking fetishes, my neuroses, my weird obsessions. I might condition myself to ACT better, but I still FEEL how I felt before. I always feel like an outcast, like I don’t belong. And even if people will tell me that I do belong, they’ll be wrong. My true self, the one that only I know, they’ve never met. He’s a sick, malicious, selfish prick. And he always will be. One day I’m gonna get tired of this charade. I’m gonna stop working and I’m gonna just let myself fall to my true nature.
Yeah, i can relate. Thing is i let go and it was a mistake thst had held me back in many ways. While its been nice to have a break i really need to get out there again at this point.
Adrian Gutierrez
Don't worry user, God has a plan for you. He loves you infinitely so, and if you put your trust in Him you'll find your way. You just gotta read the Bible and go to church.
Grayson Cruz
Don't say such things about yourself, we all have our insecurities and quirks and we all have our own ways to deal with them
Luis Morris
Fuck dude are you me
Jayden Ross
Do you find any enjoyment in your accomplishments as a normie? I'm you, but to a much lesser degree from the sound of it and I accept what I think is my weirdness as well as enjoying being good at social shit. I just don't talk or joke about the weird shit in polite company... I save that for close friends who understand it better.
Jack Lewis
In my pov that's a perfect portrait of a happy man.
Grayson Sanders
that's part of the struggle of a man's life. you're doing what you're supposed to do OP, you're putting in the effort. fight the side of you that just wants you to give in. you were letting it win before, and now you aren't. and im proud of you for doing that shit. and youre not alone, we're all going through this shit together as young men. godspeed
Colton James
and also, maybe start to look for what really brings you fulfillment. maybe getting pussy and a job was a really good way to move on and the best thing you could have done for yourself, but now its time to look beyond that now that you have it and search for your true purpose. its a stuggle user, but we have each other as men to share that burden
I know how you feel, OP. I feel like a god damn alien.. I feel like it will all pay off in the last few years of my life, when I can die knowing that I was myself the whole time.. but is it really worth it? I don't know. I think it is. The highs are higher and the lows are lower, but at least you know who you really are. I would rather that than be someone who has to worry about who is really controlling me.
Ryder Jenkins
This is very true. I was an autistic fuckhead, everyone thought I was gay or stoned all the time, so I learned how to socialize and I fucked some women and it really helped, but I've realized it's not the most important thing.
I'm glad I did it, but I realized what's important.
Noah Morgan
“I understand there’s a guy inside me who wants to lay in bed, smoke weed all day, and watch cartoons and old movies. My whole life is a series of stratagems to avoid, and outwit, that guy.” - Anthony Bourdain
The guy killed himself, so perhaps he’s not the model to follow, but it doesn’t make his quote any less poignant. OP if you’re true to yourself, do you think you’d be any happier or more fulfilled?
Jace Turner
I'm glad too. You're obviously a smart guy. Intelligence is a weapon, and you use that weapon against yourself constantly if you are a highly self-aware person. You'll probably always tend to be that way, very self critical. But that energy can be harnessed to take on a lot of responsibility and accomplish a lot of great things, and lift other people up in the process. That's what we should aspire to do. Hope this helps a bit man
This is the answer to most internal turmoil. Don't suppress it, work through it in a constructive way toward the you that you want to be. The struggle within IS the struggle.
Blake Morgan
op I think we have a lot in common. I have always been short and almost dangerously underweight. I'm 5'5" and 115lbs, which I've put so much effort towards gaining weight and muscle. Most I've weighed was 120lbs but I got really really sick and lost so much weight after that. All my muscle and work lost.
Not only do I have trouble gaining weight, but I had many social skill issues too. I was very socially awkward and I could barely hold a conversation with my own family and very close friends. I've always looked up to some outstandingly charismatic figure and I simply tried imitating them and it worked. I got a job and that also put me in social situations I was not always happy with, so I learned how to act properly without being a beta. I never lost those social skills, but I dont feel right having the same frail body and acting so different. After a few months into this semester at college I've begun to lose confidence and I've stopped being so outgoing.
If I were to watch a video of my life in this past year it would be a real tragedy of a film. Beginning with so much ambition to better myself, I take the initiative to become someone I'd be proud of being. As the year goes on I slowly decay back into what I wanted to leave behind. It's like I can never change..
anons help me what can I do
Cooper Morales
I know what you mean about watching your life become a tragedy. I was always weird as hell, but I got into a great school, the best school anyone in my grade got into even though I was not valedictorian and never studied.. ever. People thought I was such a genius. I failed out of that college and went on to work a bunch of meaningless jobs while getting hooked on a bunch of hard drugs, and now I am 28 with NOTHING to my name. I Uber and am trying to get a job on an oil rig so that I can save up money and make something of myself.
My Facebook has all my friends from my small, Podunk town with families now. They have good careers. They at least have girlfriends. But then there's this other subsection.. of people from Cambridge, who are literally slaying. All these friends I met at college are now in LA, NYC, all over Europe.. and I'm back in my hometown, living on the couch of my brother who is just now finishing college.
Henry Perry
Kill your past self. Destroy it. Piss on it. Lunge yourself into your pain like a leap of faith with every challenge. Eat more and eat clean. Dedicate yourself to training like you will die if you don't because you will. Get to know what your real goals and values are. Accept yourself as you are now and decide that you know what you have to do to get yourself into the place in life you want to be. It's not about being a beta, user, it's about being a victim. Leave victimhood in your past and acknowledge it as a stepping stone. Do you want to live or do you want to die?
Isaiah White
I feel for you user. I'm much younger so I'm glad my life hasn't had a chance to reach a low like this yet. I'm currently in my first year at community college and I'm watching all of my high school friends that are now at universities have the time of their life. I hate living at home. no parties, no social life, no fun at all. just work, school, repeat. that's all my life has become. I feel that I won't get into the school that my entire career is planned around and I'll just feel empty inside.
I hope your life turns around user. it sounds like you've got it really rough. hopefully you get that job and maybe a girl too. show those big time university friends of yours that you're making it big in your own way
Gabriel Jackson
be proud of you
retard pride brother
Jonathan Nelson
Ha! Sucks to be you. You should have joined the Army Infantry. They would have straightened your pathetic ass out.
I wish it were that easy. I'm lucky that I work at a gym as a life guard so I get a free membership, but I never have time to go anymore now that I'm in college. I also feel like if I had a gym buddy then I'd totally kill it. I personally like to show off so that's why it becomes such a great experience.
I rock climb two times a week which has kept some muscle on me, but not enough to make gains. my stomach and appetite has shrunken so much I can't bear the thought of having to go through the constant eating all over again.
Eating is so painful and disgusting sometimes. after eating a meal I've been told to eat more if I want gains, but it's almost impossible to shove anything down my throat without gagging after I'm full
Hudson Butler
You gotta accept the gamer within you
Nathan Mitchell
You will but with time I did It took a long time of acting normal but it does work Keep it up man
Ryan James
You know why you’ll always be “a fucking retard”? It’s because that’s how you see yourself. It’s that simple. You can run as far and change all you want but until you stop looking/judging yourself that way, that “fucking retard” is always going to be there. It all starts with actually loving yourself and giving yourself more credit than you have been.
Matthew Ross
It's just what it takes, user, we have to make the time. Are the ends worth painful means if you have to force feed yourself? It was almost impossible for me to keep a steady diet until I gradually force fed myself into having an appetite. It took nearly three years and I used to have a bad problem with "weight loss" drugs. You can do it, but are you letting yourself acknowledge that it is possible?
Jonathan Lee
Nothing is easy. Knowing this is 3/4th of the battle. The rest is taking action.
Brandon Morgan
One hundred percent.
Nathaniel Richardson
thank you anons. It's very nice to have some positive advice and support. I'll get into eating regularly as soon as I can
Liam Davis
Ive grown alot over the past few years as well. ive got a few friends I can do things with on the weekends, I stopped being a neet and got a decent job, my music project is going alright, a good looking woman approached me at a bar the other night, but yes every time I look in the mirror it's like I'm seeing something that others can't. I share the feels user.
