You dont have to read this shit, Im not reading your comments

You dont have to read this shit, Im not reading your comments.

I just need to get this off my chest, therapy is too expensive

>Started at age 4

>Baby sitter, an older man in a wheel chair named Delmis

>Late one night, when it was bed time. He started molesting me.

>Didn't understand.

>Every time I went to his house, he would molest me.

>He offers me one of those cup ice creams but grabs his groin and points to the room.

>I say no, I wanted the ice cream.

>He gets mad and shoves my head in the wall, tells me I'm bad and to go to bed..

>Never said no again..

>My cousins and neighbors do the same things to me

>Didn't understand..

>Molested by 7 different people.

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>Age 6, My dad sends me, brother and mom out to get new cloths and go to all you can eat.

>Gave my mom a hand full of money. Probably all the money he had.

>We get home, house is very clean and neat.

>Lights are off, dads not home.

>My mom finds a note on the table, she reads.

>She goes into panic mode, rushing up stairs and down.

>My brother and I don't understand.

>It was a suicide note.

>Dad hung himself at the place he works, he was found by his boss.

>EMT works on him for over 45 min.

>He's gone..

>I still didn't understand death at this time.

>Dads funeral.

>Wonder why dad is in such a creepy deep sleep. He smells weird..Like chemicals.

>I feel his face. Its very cold, like when you lay your face on cold concrete.

>Still didn't understand..

>Mom loses it.

>My grandma was there for her as much as she could be..

>They send her away to a mental hospital.

>They send me and my brother to the country to stay with my family for awhile.

>Moms never the same. She loved him so much..

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>We keep moving, almost every 6 months to a year.

>Mom tries to find love. All abusive assholes. One would beat her all the time, broke her fingers, choked her til she passed out...His name was Marty

>Marty introduced her to heroin...

>We all move in with my grandmother.

>Mom gets off the heroin.

>Grandmother loves us all so much. She is awesome and likes to play Sega all night (this was the late 90's)

>Early 2000's

>One night, brother comes to me and says grandma hasn't opened her door all night. Usually she keeps it open unless she's sleeping.

>We check on grandma. She's sitting on her bed, staring at the clock, zoned out..

>Can't get her attention.

>Call paramedics, they snap her out of it.

>Grandma doesn't know who I am.

>She gets taken to the hospital, brain cancer.

>She starts chemotherapy. Loses her long beautiful hair.

>Her bones are fragile, she breaks her arm one night while sleeping...Never heard her scream so hard...

>Doctors didn't do shit.. They think its arthritis.

>She's in so much pain she can't bare it.

>Somehow though..Through the pain of an untreated broken arm grandma found a way to smile, every, single, time she saw me. She forced it.

>After two weeks of untreated broken arm, doctors realize it isn't arthritis. Finally they do something about it.

>They give her some shitty cast made of plastic that keeps digging into her skin and causing her pain.

>Grandma still finds a way to smile every time she sees me.

>She gets worse, they send her to hospice.

>Brother going to see her, I don't go.

>Grandma dies next night.

>She was the strongest person ill ever know. I am so thankful she kept smiling. I realize now that it was for me to remember her not dying, not in pain. But smiling..I love her and I miss her.

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>Mom goes crazy again, this time no one to help her through it.

>Mom starts doing heroin.

>Mom stops paying rent to pay her heroin addiction.

>We get evicted, lose everything.

>With no home, I stop going to school after 9th grade.

>We live on the streets for awhile

>Dumpster food, donuts with coffee grounds on them and dumpster pizza from shops.

>We move into my aunts boyfriends extra house (I guess he owns a bunch of houses. Mostly in bad areas)

>Mom owes a lot of money to her drug dealer.

>One night, I'm sleeping.

>He has two people come into the house, they break my bed room door down.

>I jump up from the area on the floor where I was sleeping (didn't have a bed, it was just blankets on the floor)

>I look up and the two people have guns pointed at my head.

>They start yelling at my mom about something I was too focused on the guns at my head.

>Mom talks to them and they leave. Mom acts like shit didn't just happen..Like I didnt just wake up to people screaming at us and pointing two guns at my head.

>Fuck, I could of died..

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>Couple years later, mom continues her drug addiction.

>She keeps passing out while driving because she's doped up.

>She passed out one day and drove her car into someone's pool

>Mom died.

>I move in with my uncle. I completely withdraw into myself.

>Spend 12 yrs alone, barely seeing anyone. Only came out to eat late at night. I Blacked the windows out so there were days I just wouldnt know if it was day or night out.

>I didnt care..The world didnt have anything for me..

>Brother offers me to stay with him, I do. Its a nice house and he was never home because he was a truck driver.

>I am hanging out one night, about to goto sleep.

>Decide not to sleep because whatever reason.

>Power goes out. (The power breaker would trip itself a lot, didnt know why)

>I go to turn the power back on, notice some smoke infront of my shitty blinking flash light.

>Flash light blinking probably saved me because i noticed a power outlet was glowing red.

>Theres a fire inside the wall.

>House burns down.

>I dont know why it happened, i wasnt using much power...Brother blames me for it...
I live alone now. I am always alone. I prefer it this way..

Never told anyone about this. Thanks for reading.

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Damn, dawg. That shit's cold.

Damn, user. I'm sorry to hear life has been so hard for you. If there's an afterlife I hope it's a wonderful place for your grandmother to be. I hooe things get better.

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>power breaker would trip itself a lot, didnt know why
They don’t trip for no reason

They do if you live in an old house eith new tech. My parents kitchen outlets are old as fuck and the breaker for them trips all the fuckin time.

Not to mention OP here probably isn't much of an electrician, I can't imagine his brother would be either.

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Thanks guys..

I dont know why it kept doing that. Im not a electrician.. I only had my tv on and the bathroom light was on because i was about to go to sleep soon. If I went to sleep I would probably not be here.

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thanks for sharing user

OP here again, heres a really ironic thing too..

The place I live now is just two streets away from where my dad had his funeral.

Its also a few blocks away from where he killed himself. I see the funeral home daily. It looks exactly the way it did in 1992.

Holy fuck dude, write a book or some shit, or in a journal. That was just wow.

I am sorry for what happened in your life user

Js i would deadass be your online friend. Im lonely but idk how i feel about everything yet

Damn user, sorrybyo hear about that, do you have psn, we can talk over that if you want, where are you from?

Same guy here I would like to help you op, I know what loss feels like man, I had hypermobility and 6 operations to deal with this shit along with my 2 good uncles norm and micheal dying, I am sorry about that but if you want to talk then talk of not that is okay, just stay safe man and you will me fine.

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I dont have any social media, No chat programs, I literally only talk to you guys on here..Dont have money for game consoles. I literally am just existing. I dont like talking to people. Even at work, I am a prep cook so I work alone most of the time. I try to rush out when people start coming in. Only person who sees me is my boss. Hes very understanding of my issues so he lets me come in early and work by myself.

Thanks anyway, user. we can talk until the thread goes away.

(different user) Do you have any hobbies op? You should try and find personal enjoyment. maybe in reading, or learning to cook since it would apply to your work. It might help you start feeling alive again. Content is all one can ask for but I feel people sjould always strive for more.

Bump, I miss seeing those threads, those really personal stories can help people in dark places to deal better with their problems, to know they're not alone in their path, at least it sure helped me in the past.
Sry for the bad English btw

I was expecting a joke at the end user I wasn't expecting these feels

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When I was younger, in school. I wanted to be an animator or a game developer. I used to make animations and small mini games all the time. My grandma liked them, she thought it was cool. But that computer was lost in the eviction with all the work i did..I lost interest and never got back into it. My current computer is from 2010 and was only worth $350 back then. Even if I did get into it, my computer cant handle things like animations or game development.

mayb ur just sexy

Yeah, maybe.

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Hey OP, thanks for sharing and I hope it gave you some catharsis. I know the feeling of just existing, because to attempt anything more than that is to risk loss. And you are just so so so tired of loss. But I have been thinking about it recently, and you and I owe it to ourselves to try, at least in small ways. Once, I used this app called meetup to try to make friends. I went to awkward social nights at bars, and I actually made a few friends.

They're gone now, in keeping with tonight's theme lol, but I'm ready to try again. I hope you do a small thing to, to try to add a little frosting to the bitter cake of life.

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Most of this is possible. The old man babysitter stuff is off unless that happened when mom was on drugs. Cause any normal mom will not leave her childeren with old dudes. Next if these rapes happened go report them now. Last thepary isnt that much.

Even if the thread goes away I would not care, stay safe man our oaths will cross again someday.

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Delmis was my aunts dad. I didn't understand what was going on so i didn't tell became normal. I didn't know it was bad.

Its far too late now, this was years and years and years ago in the 90s. I dont see my cousins anymore, they live in different states.

You should probably take your experiences and turn them in to something powerful. Utilize a creative artistic outlet to relieve some of your pain and you'll probably make money off of it. Writing, drawing, painting, singing, dancing.. Something.

If you don't have the strength to do it for yourself then you should do it for her. She had the strength to keep smiling - take that as a lesson from beyond the grave, that regardless of your pain you have to keep your head up and keep moving forward.

Life sucks. Some people have it really rough and some people don't and that's just the reality of things. Best of luck to you on your journey.

>You dont have to read this shit,
Okay, thanks for the heads up.