There is a question that’s been on my mind for the past year. Can you hate someone so deeply, yet love them at the same time? I remember when you took us to the Philadelphia Zoo. You carried me on your shoulders while holder my brother’s hand. I remember you used to dance all around the house while singing silly made-up toons - it always puts a smile on my face. I remember when you used to wake me up in the middle of the night to watch t.v. or play video games … ( your favorite game was Madden 2005. And I don’t think I ever beat you once). I remember when you took us to Clark Park and taught us how to hit a baseball. To this day, I still practice my swing while holding an imaginary bat. I remember when you introduced me to martial arts and showed me a DVD called “The Ultimate Fighter,” which would be the beginning of my incredible passion for Jiu-Jitsu and MMA. I remember how you showed me all your favorite movies when you were younger. You introduced me to directors like Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino, and Sidney Lumet. I remember when my grade school teacher told you I had a learning disability. You immediately rejected that because your idea of genius wasn’t something that could be boxed into a neat package or something that could found in book - you believed genius was something that could only be found through experience … like climbing a really tall tree! Or getting rejected by a very beautiful girl ...
But I also I remember how hard you fought, and for better or worse, how hard you loved. I remember how those same hands that held me close betrayed me with curled fists protesting my way. I remember you telling me that you loved me with with all your heart yet the very next day call me a failure. I remember how you shared stories with me of your childhood about how your step-father use to abuse you. I remember blaming myself. I remember getting older, hating you, but still blaming myself. To this day, I still blame myself. I remember how you never wanted to let us go - and I remember how you proved it that night when you cut your wrist in front of me and my mother because she wanted to leave you. I remember the pungent smell of iron and the cosmically horrifying wailing of mom that could never be replicated in any Hollywood film. Fourtnely, you didn’t die that night. (However, there were nights I wish you did). We were able to get you to the hospital and somehow, you were able to convince the doctors that it was an accident. You were always good at lying. To this day, I also think I’m pretty good at lying too. But I’m so tired of lying. And now I’m starting to understand that you were probably tired of lying too. And I think that’s why you finally left. I think for the first time in you life, you finally let go.
I hate you … but I love you so much, dad.
Thanks for the crazy ride,
user
Carson Anderson
Dad just passed away, I don't really know how to feel.
Anthony Hill
user you brought me to tears. bumped for emotions
Caleb Hill
I know the feel user. I lost my mom is '16 and it was the hardest experience in my life so far, and I have had a pretty hard life.
All I can say is, you will remember him the best way you can when you are ready to move on.
John Morris
Everyone has their flaws. From what you say, he was troubled but he loved you. Deep down he was a good man. The world can hurt people beyond recognition. Don’t blame yourself user. Love you man.
I'm not seeing the reason for the hate. Because he had to discipline you? Because when you were a failure he made you stronger by calling you out rather than going "there there you're so special in your own way" even though by your own description he did find you special?
Michael Russell
I always was fucking scared of the day someone close to me dies. You made it even worse. Stary strong user, we love you, and your dad loves you.
Luis Hill
God fucking damn it OP you bastard made me tear up. I hope you're doing ok now and i wish you the best of luck in the future. Your dad isnt entirely at fault for his behaviour, being abused as a kid messes you up really fucking hard. Always love your dad even if he did some bad things. He gave you the best and worst gift of all, your life.
Jaxson Peterson
>showing emotions Weakling
Alexander Baker
That was beautiful.
I love you buddy.
Ayden Ortiz
Real weakness is being too afraid to allow yourself to feel.
Alexander Evans
This. You don’t have to wallow in emotions, just feel them.
Tyler Gonzalez
Yeah, it's something I've thought about for a while. He was a great dad in a lot of ways. I just think he had a lot of demons that he never dealt with. Looking back, a part of me thinks he had a lot of mental illness issues. Possibly PTSD and maybe bipolar.
Jacob Lee
He is still around you know...just not in a physical form. Call him when you need him and he'll be there, guaranteed!
Chase Perry
>: user, I`m father my self (4 kids), and I believe that I understand what your father went thru. Trust me, it hurt him as much as it hurt you, and he would care only about 1 thing - that you are happy in your life. That would mean ultimate achievemnt for him, even thou he will not be able to see it.
Elijah Harris
This world is hard. We can't do things like that. But we have to love in the end. Glad you had a good ride user. Cheers.
Thank you so much. Yeah, I've worked really hard in my life. I'm Senior in college ready to graduate with a job lined up.
I think he would proud if saw me now.
Gabriel Smith
Thank you. That song brought tears to my eyes.
Samuel King
stay strong user. very moving. my dad eludes me and i only found out he was abused by his own dad a couple of years ago. your dad was troubled just like all of us and we’re all trying to figure it out. i hope you can still enjoy the holiday season as much as possible.
