I am an airport security screener. Ask me anythyng

I am an airport security screener. Ask me anythyng.
inb4
>I do not work for the TSA
>I do not work in the USA

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Do you usually touch taints?

Only in particular cases. Otherwise, no, I don't touch taints.

Do you like it?

No. I hate every single time I have to touch someone, for various reasons.

is it true that you people put special attention to hispanics? do you judge people based on racial profiles?

The majority of people don't care of what actual race you are. And, even if they do, they threat you the same as everybody else.
We do, however recognize the fact that people from the same country have similar behavior and do similar things, both in a good and bad way.

Do you ever notice weed on people bags and just say fuck it?

I've flown with ounces a bunch. Always wondered if I was hiding it well or being screened by stoners who don't give a fuck I got weed.

Best way to sneak marijuana flower and/or concentrate past you guys?

>>I do not work in the USA
well, what country do you work in, then?

there is literally no reason not to tell and literally nothing meaningful to ask until you tell

If I get hard while you're touching me, is it my fault or yours?

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Have you ever scanned someone, only to find they currently have a butt plug in?

The best way to sneak that sweet KU$H by you guys?

Grab any dicks lately?

We do not deal with drugs. That's a common misconception. However, if we find something we can call the police. For small quantities, I won't be bothered at all.
Past us? Just put it in your bag. Past the customs? Eh, I don't really know. The best way it's to just act natural and hope there is no search dog waiting for you. In that case, you're busted.
I can't tell. Colleagues have been fired for it. But, since every single time everyone thinks I work for the TSA or in the United States, it's worth to mention it.
Depends. Let's just say that I'm not trying to give you an erection, so probably it's 10/90.
Nope. Found a vibrator, through.
Read the answer I gave to I've grabbed a dick just once in my whole life.

How manu dildo/vibrator/buttplu/sex Toys do you find Daily? What Is the % of finding One?

Do you like to fuck with people just for the feeling of power?

Depends on what kind of bags i'm screening and of what season are we talking.
For carry-on bag, about 1-2 a week.
For hold luggage, about 1-2 a day.
Also, during the summer, there are many flights to typical younger destinations, where they usually go there just to fuck as many people as they can. In that period, in carry-on the amount it's about twice as much.

No. I just want you to do the security check and go away as quick as possible. I won't make anyone do anything unnecessarily, it's just more work for me and my colleagues.
However, if you've been a major asshole with me, then you can get a seat and enjoy your long sweet time with security, but that's only in extreme cases.

Found a vibrator, wow... Was actively being used? It's no fun if you found it in someone's luggage.

Ever go through a woman’s bag just so you can see and touch her panties?

Yes, but just a couple times. I touch the panty where the taint should be, and then I go to the bathroom and jerk myself while licking my fingertips.

>colleagues have been fired for mentioning which country they're from
Hello JIDF

Hi OP, I work for TSA. Do you guys have any behavior detection programs? If so, do you think it's psuedoscience bullshit or has it helped you ever?

It was inside a girl's vagina. It was actively being used and it was controlled by the boyfriend via app. They got fucked way harder than they could have ever hoped. But not in a good way.
No. Also, I do have two pair of gloves when I search bags, so it's not like you can feel something. And, when you go through someone's bag, you see al the crap they have in it and how bad it is. And that's the last fantasy you have while working.
Hello.
We don't have. Every single one of us has been trained to detect suspicious behavior. Honestly, I think that having a single person doing just that is useless, it won't stop anyone, if not out of luck. It has helped me a couple of times, but for smaller things.

If a bag has a special airport lock on it to keep the zipper closed, do you easily have keys for it, or do you just say fuck it & let it go un-checked?

Ever had someone attempt to bribe you? Also what's the biggest thing you caught, not only drugs but like a murderer with a fake passport?

>It was inside a girl's vagina. It was actively being used and it was controlled by the boyfriend via app. They got fucked way harder than they could have ever hoped. But not in a good way.
Good to know. I plan on getting the lovense lush for my girl. I'm not bold enough to attempt taking through airport security, but that's funny.

>It was inside a girl's vagina. It was actively being used and it was controlled by the boyfriend via app. They got fucked way harder than they could have ever hoped. But not in a good way.

What is the response when you find something like that? I've got to guess there's no protocol in place for that specific event.

The only ones that have the master keys fot the TSA locks are the TSA. We don't have any special key. Also, all the checks are done in front of the passenger, so if he has a lock then he will just open it. If he can't or refuses to do so, then we will find a way to get into the bag, no matter how. But no bag will go unchecked.
Not with money, but someone has tried to bribe me. Never caught anyone important. Just one time a guy with chemical weapons that was reported by the secret service.
At the time we weren't amused at all. Now it's a great story to tell.

>they threat you
See, they treat us all like dogs

when I go to the gate it isn't clear when I am supposed to board. the other day I waited and then boarded and the lady says to me it's not my turn yet. then I have to stand there with my luggage while everyone else is boarding. it was humiliating. then she said to me if you let me check your bag I will let you board right now. do you really think that making me wait 5 more minutes is rally going to make a difference? don't these different boarding groups represent elitism and divide us as a nation instead of bringing us together. I fought for this nation you know.

No1 was asking you TSA cuck. We here for the non-American faggot. We all know TSA screeners are fucked up pervs.

We were furious. We lost a lot of time with this couple, trying to understand why she generated an alarm while walking under the metal detector and why they were behaving so weirdly. We were really concerned by the whole situation. When we found out they were all like "ah, you got us, let's all laugh together". We weren't in the mood for laughs. The police was there, they arrested them immediately. We could hear the screams of the angry officers from outside the office. They then escorted them to the local police station and never heard of them anymore.
Sorry, but it's not our fault, it'a the airliner company that decides. Usually the very first one to board are the PRM (Passenger with Restricted Mobility), then the higher classes with all the memberships benefits and then the normal passengers. I also don't like that, but money is money and that's all they care about.

What charges would they be arrested on? Second degree stupidity?

How do I get my Black Dragon Buttplug back? You fuckers took it about 6 months ago and will not give it back. You're using it aren't you?

OP is making all of this up. What would be the risk of telling what country he's from?

He’s afraid some real TSAfag will call him on his BS, so he says he's foreign, but he doesn't know enough any foreign country to pull that off either

Honestly, I don't know. They just took them and stormed into the office. It still was something hidden, it could have contained drugs or weapons.
Why would we take away something like that. You can bring it in no problem.
I already said that. Some colleagues were fired for sharing something on social media. Now, I'm not that dumb as they were and won't post pictures at all, but to be on the safe side I won't say where I'm from.
I can say it's Europe.

>Some colleagues were fired for sharing something on social media.
And there's only one of you in the entire country, so they know it's you as asoon as you disclose nothing other than the country?

motherfucker, please

Of course there isn't. But the more information I say, the easier it get to pinpoint who is.
Also, what's the problem with knowing where I'm from? I don't see how it's relevant.

Can I safely pack some weed for personal use? I had a joint in a cigarette case one trip.. completely forgot about it until I was going through security. No one cared.

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policies are actually quite different between countries. there is nothing meaningful to ask if we can't know even THAT

anything else you might disclose could be used my better to track you down than the name of a country (which is objective and can't be clouded by your biases or local conventions you may not even know to be local)

What will you do for a living when you are not needed anymore because of patriot one technologies and their products?

not op, but the russians just sent an israeli women to prison for 7 years for carrying a few joints' worth of weed through a moscow airport
>as a freakin' transit passenger

He wants to fuck you. In the ass.

Security doesn't care. Customs does.
It depends on who you encounter. Many times they won't be bothered, they will just throw it away, but if you stumble upon a meticulous guy that does everything by the book, you're fucked. At least from what I saw.
Where are you from, pal? Because it seems that you don't know how things work here. Also, you can ask whatever you want, I don't see why my country it's so important to answer questions.
Don't worry, I know how those machines work. And the many flaws they have. I won't be fired, rest assured. Most of our work in't so much in doing the actual screenings but in guiding the passengers in doing so. So newer machines won't help with that.

Holy shit. All for a couple hoglegs of the devil's lettuce?

how can dogs smell through airtight containers?

Technically, that's how it should work. You're trying to smuggle drugs in a foreign country. Doesn't matter if it's a single joint or a bag full of weed.
They can smell the chemicals of the drugs, even the ones from a tiny residue left on the outside of the bag. A bit like they can smell a human scent, even if the human isn't there anymore they can still pick up the trail and go where the smell points at.

it wasn't really over the weed. putin wants to pressure/blackmail the israelis into releasing a few of his own (and real criminals), so it's really about that.

and again, she was just connecting thru moscow on her way from india back to israel. apparently russian intelligence found out about the weed (scanning her bag or whatever) and then tricked her into passing thru passport control. only THEN did they have a basis to arrest and charge her for this nonsense amount of weed.

lesson: just don't pull shit like this, especially in non-western countries

I'm only interested in flights within the US. Curious of best spots to hide. I'm talking no more than 1-4 grams.

>Where are you from, pal?
murrica. are you gonna come to my house now, because i "disclosed" this sensitive information?

>Because it seems that you don't know how things work here.
what does this even mean? i travel quite a bit thru europe and security checkpoint people do things differently

why would you risk it? if your bag is (randomly) run through one of those fancy chemical-detecting scanners, you’re fucked on federal charges. over what?

Party at this guy's house.

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buying weed at your destination is a DRAMATICALLY lower risk

I'm not sure I would risk it willingly. I was genuinely surprised when I walked through with a fresh stinky joint, no questions asked. It makes me wonder how common it is.

Ever put your whole arm up a guy?

I am not on but work in a lovely related field.

It is the same as making a bomb joke in line. Which happens waaaay more than you can imagine.

Oh to same question, reckless endangerment

Not OP

ah, right. i have no idea what they would do over literally just 1 joint.

FWIW, in gun nut states, stupid rednecks carry their guns into TSA checkpoints all the time. i don't think they all get arrested, perhaps not even most of the time. you better be white tho and be really believable when you pretend to be surprised about your "forgotten" gun

Aight sir spread em I need to check ya assssho

I already said that I don't work in the USA.
Yeah, you must know how it works here, you travel a lot in Europe, surely better than me. I mean, it's not like I live there, maybe I also travel a lot because I have discounts, and maybe because I do this job and know a bit more than you. It's not like I know that there is an international regulation, called regulation 300 that dictates how the screening must be made. And it's not like that every European country must adhere to this regulation, thus making all the control on the same level. And it's not like we get regular testing from the EU, to see if we're still up to standards. I mean you travel a lot there, you must know all this shit.
I bet you are the kind of passengers that gives you a lecture on how the screenings should be made because "there they do it that way".

>reckless endangerment
what's the danger, tho?

with a bomb threat, the ensuing panic can be dangerous, even if there is no real bomb, e.g.

put here i think the only way to nail someone walking through a scanner with a vibrator in her cunt (that doesn't ALSO contain explosives or sth) is a law that specifically prohibits, say harmless electronics on your body

and such a law just doesn't exist. people forget their phones in their pockets all the time. scanner catches it, they go thru again

Goes to restaurant in anywhere USA..

"whell when I was in Italy last spring they do so and so and suck and such... "

Aka
"when I managed my ownnn business I did it this way and you should take unsolicited advice from a raaaandooo"

It doesn't have to be a real threat.

They caused an intentional raise of alarm.

There are laws against that.
Full stop.

Is it punitive? Sure.
Is it taking it too seriously? Yeah.

And yet here we are with the rule of law.
Don't like it? Don't pull stupid stunts.

how useless is border security?

Never did, never would. It's not in my duty. There are police officers for doing that. Let them have all the fun.
Well, funny enough, it's how customs checks if you have anything shoved in your butthole. You just spread your cheeks and bend over. If there's anything it just pops out. Unless you're hotkinkyjo, I suppose.
Yeah. If you just take your phone out of your pocket it's not a big deal. If you stick something in your vagina and don't pull it out in over 10 minutes of search, then it's not a mistake.
By the way, you can be denied access for any reason, even if you technically did nothing wrong. For example, a drunk person can be denied access, even if it isn't forbidden or a violent person can be denied access even if they don't carry anything. Also, you can bare in mind that if they don't understand what kind of stupid thing that is, what else could they do once inside, just because they thought it was fun.

>intentional raise of alarm
how is it more intentional than keeping your phone in your pocket?

>If you stick something in your vagina and don't pull it out in over 10 minutes of search, then it's not a mistake
"i always keep a vibrator in there. it's part of my sexuality. i just forgot."

see how you prove this in a court of law. sure, i believe that they are hassled a bit, but i doubt this would be prosecuted by a DA

oh goody, you can google.

actually read this, would you? it's way too high level to be meaningful. there is so much more to how checks are actually conducted. these things can only be done with local training and regulations.

We encounter these assholes every day. "They do it like that in America"; "They have these new machines that do it this way"; "There I had to put my bag into a tray, so here must work the same"; "They didn't check it last time".
For fucks sake, different airport have different machines and different procedures even for doing the exact same thing. Just do as I say, if you were doing things correctly I would have been happy because I didn't have to talk, don't argue about everything because "you travel a lot and do a lot of security checks". Dude, I do more security checks in an hour that you would in your entire life. Maybe I know better.

Not OP, being stupid, acting nervous and suspicious in the airport can get you some serious shit.

Add to this triggering any alarm and you are done for a couple hours under police time... which adds to the fuckery because nobody in the airport likes when some stupid idiot tries to pull a joke on everybody else's time.

I don't need to google. Every 5 year I have to do an exam with the regulatory body for civil flights to see if I still know things. I know that I know my shit. Of course there are local training and regulations, every nation has it's own rules, but at the very end, all the checks are the exact same, they just have different methods. And, even in the same airport there are different methods, so there is no point in saying that regulations are different in different countries. In the same airport you could have regular RX machines, EDS, explosives detecting dogs, explosive traces detectors, multiple kinds of walk through metal detector, hand held metal detectors, body scanners, shoe metal detector and so on. So, even in the same country thing might be made differently. You don't need to be a mastermind to understand that at Heathrow the security checks might be done differently than at Farnborough.

Would you suck a log of shit out of Andy Sixx's asshole?

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are there private planes for commters, like a carpool, but a private plane?

this has nothing to do with murrica. profiling is done very differently in different countries and even different airports within the same country. same with taking off shoes, belts; taking shit out of your bag etc. etc.

here is an actual example:
>be me, with wife and 3yo
>flying out of germany to other eu country
>wife buys over-the-counter kids medicine because difficult to buy in other country
>since the bottle (in carry-on) is just slightly larger than just waving it thru, substance gets scanned
>tests positive for explosive
>several times
>see german security people be annoyed, then nervous
>no matter what they do, another false positve
>federal cop comes over, actually apologizes, hands us the fucking medicine bottle back (WITH the liquid)
>says, "well i can see you're no terrorists"
>"have a good flight!"
are you really saying this is in EU regulations and implemented like this throughout the EU?

Where do you work, faggot?

quads check

>the checks are the exact same, they just have different methods
you're contradicting yourself. also, thanks for making my point.

the OBJECTIVES may be the same, but the methods (and intensity, seriousness, commitment) are different. that's just inevitable in a diverse 500-million-people entity like the EU

>how is it more intentional than keeping your phone in your pocket?
God freaking dammit, are you dense?

Raising any freaking alarm anywhere puts stupid stressed people on the edge of something going down right there are their freaking turn. Doing this because "It's just a prank brah" it's not fun.

How can you not comprehend this? My cousin can't travel to some places because of a prostetic, he need a medical waiver and some other paper to fly when it's really needed that he travels by air.

And you mean to argue a hidden electronic is not a big deal? Ok zoomer.

>"Ma'am, do you have a vibrator in right now?"
>"Yes."
>"Case dismissed."

You forgot about a vibrator tuned on while you boyfriend was controlling it with an app and he didn't say anything and was standing there the whole time?
It wouldn't sound plausible. As I said, I don't know how it ended up, I don't know if they were charged or prosecuted or something.
As absurd as it might sound, yes, that is the actual procedure.
If it gets a positive result further testing has to be made. If the result is still negative, then the passenger must be interviewed, at the end a decision must be made if the liquid can be given back to the passenger or will be thrown away. Or, the police can take that decision for you, skipping the interview.
Checked. Depends on what you're talking about. Security, drugs or passport? For our kind, security, I would say it's more a deterrent than anything else.

>Raising any freaking alarm anywhere puts stupid stressed people on the edge of something going down right there are their freaking turn.
if you freak out like that every time a scanner triggers, this is clearly not your line of work. of course this happens countless times a day.

and no, i'm not saying people SHOULD pack vibrators in their cunts and asses and waltz thru security. i just doubt that that would likely be prosecuted

>>"Ma'am, do you have a vibrator in right now?"
>>"Yes."
>>"Case dismissed."
lol, but yeah, sth like that

how do I tell a screener that I consent, and I hope for, being groped without saying it out loud?

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve found in someone’s bag?

>Depends on what you're talking about.
I just got back from Florida on New years Eve. They pushed over 500 people through in like 10 minutes. It was kind of a joke.

You said that different countries do thing differently. No. Different airports do thing differently. Even if they are in the same country. Even if they are 30 miles apart.
You said that since I won't tell you where I am from then you can't ask me questions about the security checks because different countries do it differently. What I'm trying to tell you is that even the local regulation are pretty loose and it's the actual airport that decides how the checks are made. So, two airport that serve the same city and are 30 miles apart can have two totally different methods for screening passengers. So, I can work in a totally different country and sill do the exact same checks, in the exact same way, or work 30 miles from the other airport and do totally different things. So, as I already said enough times, my country is not relevant to answer these questions.

>As absurd as it might sound, yes, that is the actual procedure.
>If it gets a positive result further testing has to be made. If the result is still negative, then the passenger must be interviewed, at the end a decision must be made if the liquid can be given back to the passenger or will be thrown away. Or, the police can take that decision for you, skipping the interview.

but there is no way this would be handled like this throughout the eu. it's especially these nuances that would be interesting to talk about, if you'd actually talk about anything

it's also a stupid policy. there are way too many white islamists without arab or whatever accents who could just pose as a harmless local family. if a significant amount of liquid keep testing as explosives, the testing is useless if you then GIVE IT BACK

you keep contradicting yourself, larper

first it's uniform throughout the eu, now every airport is different. after *I* had brought that up. you're just larping, working off what I said

fuck off asshole

Yeah, It's uniform in the EU, because all the methods are described in the Regulation 300. The single airports and the local regulation decide which method. Are you really that dumb that you can't understand it or what?
At this point I think you're just fucking with me and testing my patience.
If you knew how those machines worked, then you would understand why that's the procedure.
Grab the screener's dick. It will surely work.
A full set of bondage gear, with whips and all the stands and lots of lube. The most disgusting thing was an entire cooked bird covered in caramel.
It could happen. In a big airport 500 people are nothing, 10 minutes is actually quite a lot. In a small airport, if there aren't any major hiccups, it could be done as well. If you have no water to throw away and if the majority of people come prepared to do the checks, it's totally possible.

Nobody said prosecution would hold assfuck we just said it it a legal machination that is LEGIT.

i have personally detained a smart-ass teen because he tried to go through with a Nerf gun, then laughed. After he was detained 5 hours, guess what, actual cops came to arrest him.

And he was prosecuted, 9k fine and 80 hours service counting his 3 days in jail.

Don't waste my time and I won't be a douchebag

There's a difference between being freaked out and annoyed.

what's the best way to prepare for a check, and how can I do it the easiest and quickest thing in my travel

It's just security theater, you know that right? You're aware that you do almost nothing to protect whatever's behind your checkpoint?

Besides, what are they paying you? How much would I have to bribe you to get a loaded handgun past you? $300? $500?

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I'd imagine it's like working in customer service/fast food or anything retail, it would be pretty crazy if you dealt with that much of the general public every day and DIDN'T view them as dogs

Not OP, but I work for security as well. I don't feel like I need to justify what I do, I couldn't care less and overall I have a dislike towards law enforcment and government officials, working for TSA has only reinforced that. However, it's truly not just security theater. The way things are designed, they are fully capable of detecting and deterring most threats, the problem lies in the poor training they provide and the people they hire. If you follow operating procedures 100% and have a little common sense, there's no reason why one would fail a test or miss a real threat. The technology is good, the people are the biggest variable and the weakest link.

Jesus, what's the fucking difference? Either listen to him or don't. Who fucking cares what country he is from?

Sorry, I've been AFK for a while. Now I'm back.
Have all your liquids, laptops and tablets (big electronics in general) in an easily accessible pouch, if you are wearing a coat or jacket put everything (phone, wallet, keys) inside there. Try to not wear a belt, boots or high-heeled shoes. Then, listen to what the person says to do and do that. When you get there, place the laptops/tablets in a tray making sure they don't overlap, use multiple trays if necessary, and place the liquid in a tray. Then, put your jacket into another tray with, eventually, your belt, watch and other things you have in your pocket. At the end, place your bags into a tray or directly on the roller.
Easy as that.

Good thread

As said, theoretically it's not.
It's a deterrent, which means that the main purpose is to deter any terrorists who want to do something and have most of the scenarios covered.
The problem relies in training and how things are handled. Basically, the thing in everybody's mind, even the police officers is "Yeah, it won't happen here. It's no threat, no big deal. Let him through". This doesn't mean that the basic checks aren't made, but if you see something weird everybody will just dismiss it as nothing and if you insist you will be seen as the overly exited guy that wants to do the wild sheriff.
To answer how much you would have to pay me, not less than 10 million dollars. I won't risk my job and my life for 500$. It's full of cameras, I will easily be traced.

Some of us like fucked up pervs in uniform who abuse their power