I broke my own heart...

I broke my own heart. Spent so long being afraid of becoming a bad person I somehow managed to slip and fall astronomically hard on my ass. Fell in love with my best friend. Fucked my best friend. Cheated on best friend with ex I sexually assaulted. Break up with best friend because I couldn't handle the weight of my actions. Even after best friend forgave me. She deserves better. Tried being friends with best friend again, things get awkward. On and off friendship, alotta crying on both ends. Best friend ends up fucking two ex boyfriends in one weekend. Leaves her heartbroken and lonely. I'm not there to help, I'm fucked off beating myself up for what I did. She grows calous. I finally have the courage to try and be her friend again, she shuts me down. I assault one of her ex's to make me feel better. She get mad. More crying. Go back to ex, he finally decided to be mad about me sexually assaulting him. He pulls the past out and beats it over my head. I'm freaking out. I go to best friend who is struggling to pull herself together, and complain to her about how the guy who I cheated on her with Is mad at me for pressuring him into sex. I ask her if I'm a bad person, she says yes, I absolutely am a scumstain. But she wants to help me get better.

Tl;dr don't fall in love with your best friend.

- L

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tldr; sage goes in all fields

Maybe throw some fake names in there so I can follow which "Bob" or "Sally" you were crying over/fucking/slapping around.

Also safe to say you should leave these people alone. It seems you adequately burnt bridges with them. Well no you fucked the bridge, and got off it, then went back and sexually assaulted the bridge, beat the shit out of the bridges support beams...tried to tell the bridge you were sorry.
The bridge is all fucked. You're fucked. Just fuckin go find another way over the river without sexually assaulting it too.

I like this analogy. Ironically things seem to be going well between me and girl, we're gonna hang out and go to our favorite thrift shop tomorrow. Maybe I'll stay away from the bridge if I manage to fuck this up. I really like this bridge, it's supported my shit for far to long, so I suppose i should help build it back up. Her supports are assholes anyways, they make her more uncomfortable then I ever did.

TLDR is don’t cheat on someone you claim to care about you rapist fuck piece of shit

Kill yourself pussy. You deserve everything you’re going through.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, and I don't mean to offend you, but you sound like a hot mess that's a bit fucked in the head.

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I should've done this, sorry for the inconvenience.

Literally kill yourself.

You’re no good to anyone alive.

I got married and fuck my best friend on the side.

>sexually assaulted him

kys faggot

I know. I really don't like what I've become. Don't know exactly where to start. Want to fix things.

There is no escape from your situation other than completely cutting them all out of your life, or completely cutting your life out of you.

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Ah yes I am bisexual. Should clear this up for others in thread, I sexually assaulted my ex boyfriend, my best friend is a girl. I cheated on her with him. After I assaulted him. It was consensual. My relationships are complicated.

Does the "tits or gtfo" meme apply here?

Hey as long as this bridge is important enough for you to work through the emotional/trust issues, why not.
As long as you feel like it's benefitting you without wrecking the bridge in the process, cross away?

I like that. If I wasn't so dumb maybe things woulda worked out like that for me. Unfortunately I'm me, and I'm dumb.

It all sounds like you're missing a few pieces.

I just want to make her happy again. At one point I was the best thing in her life. I might be damn near a monster, but I'd do anything to make her happy again. Even if it kills me, as I'm not exactly morally worth much these days.

I'm a really fucked up jigsaw puzzle. Part of me believes I'm still a good person, it's a really convincing lie. I hate to be all like "ah look at how messed up I am" but I really am messed up and need help.

Then get help, while you're lucid and vaguely reflecting on it.

Stop trying to convince yourself you're a good person. Stop saying you're a monster.
Learn how the fucked up shit you did hurt you and people around you, and actively try to make good actions in the future.
If you have some money see a therapist.

I reflect on it every day, I sit and think about my actions. It kinda stings not gonna lie. Currently unemployed. Hate it. All of this has been going on for two years. Things have been fucked like for roughly eight months. I'm just sitting here knee deep in self loathing. It's hard to do anything.

I'm very lucid, and extremely aware of the levity of everything.

Can't argue with this. I might actually go through with that. I like this advice.

Op here, done replying. I need to sleep, I haven't slept in three days. I'm very tired. Have a goodnight everyone, and goodluck in whatever personal endeavors you have.

>I reflect on it every day
>extremely aware of the levity of everything
Doubt. You do reflect on it, but since you've just said you're coping with a really convincing lie, you certainly don't always plumb the depth of your actions and their consequences as much as you want to tell yourself. Or us. There's no reason for that psychological pushback, if you're at that stage of acceptance. The roller-coaster of a thought process ITT wouldn't have happened, and you wouldn't have provided the contrast of consensual and complicated in the same breath.

Get help while you actually feel regret. Or, don't, because this was never about getting help.