4 Stop Being Passive & Get Your Balls Back

4 Stop Being Passive & Get Your Balls Back

Some of the men who come to my emotional process workshops look like someone’s taken their balls away. And strangely enough, that’s exactly what has happened to many of them, metaphorically if not literally.

On the one hand their fathers were absent or simply couldn’t show them how to be a man – not that their fathers had much idea about masculinity either. On the other hand they were over-attached to the world of the feminine (and continue so to be) because mother, sisters or some other feminine influence caught them and never let them go. These men, often soft and gentle, need help in embracing their masculinity.

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Nothing represents male softness as clearly as the 1990s vogue of the “new man”. This short-lived fashion was perhaps a response to feminism, whereby men – some men anyway – adapted to become what they thought women wanted of them: nice, sweet, sensitive, and somehow feminized. You may not be surprised to learn that women pretty quickly realized this wasn’t what they wanted at all. They wanted men who were safe, protective, strong, and above all free of repressed anger and resentment towards women.

So getting your balls back is about giving up the feminine and embodying what we could call the sacred masculine on every level – emotional, physical, spiritual. It’s about being strong in every part of your being. (“Sacred” simply meaning pure, ancient and ancestral, something to be honoured.)

The reality is that a man who’s lost his balls is mild and non-assertive. He doesn’t know what he stands for. He may agree with one person one minute, and someone with dramatically opposing views the next. Most likely he doesn’t know how to stand up for himself against men or women. He may not have any clear opinions.

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Maybe he’s done lots of workshops about feeling and sensitivity – not that there’s anything wrong with that, as long as it isn’t all he’s done by way of self-development. Maybe he’s “deeply spiritual”. Maybe his experience of self-development workshops extends no further than endless Tantra weekends – not that there’s anything wrong with that, either… as long as it isn’t all he’s done.

In short, he’s deficient in the solid core of masculinity which enables a man to go out into the world and make an impact in his own way. He doesn’t really know what it means to be a man in the world. He may have some Warrior energy but somehow he isn’t a full-blooded man. Everyone in his life has a stake in him. He isn’t his own man.

This raises the question of how a boy becomes a man. A lot of it has to do with having dad around, or perhaps some other suitable male role models, so the boy can learn how men are in the world. But it also has to do with a boy being allowed to test himself in situations that allow him to develop his assertiveness, experience his capacity to impact the world, and fully feel (and where necessary control) his fear, his anger, and his courage.

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>get your balls back
>emotional process workshop
blow it out your ass

A problem I see here is that rather a lot of women appear to be frightened of masculine energy in men and boys. They seem to fear men who are assertive and live their lives pushing the edge of what’s possible for them. These women sometimes look like they’re unconsciously trying to nullify male energy in their boys and their men. Perhaps they are afraid of male rage, perhaps with good reason. However, this situation does nobody any good, least of all the boys.

Men who live in a less-than-fully masculine way do themselves no favours because they don’t experience the reality of who they are at their genetic core. And they do women no favours because as men they are simply not able to consciously and fully meet the feminine energy of their partners. I believe most women want a strong man who can set clear boundaries and protect them and their children, because then they can feel truly safe.

Such men harm their children too, by not showing their kids what true masculinity is all about. Bearing in mind that children learn most things about masculinity from their fathers, you can see how a passive man may inadvertently teach his sons a few things they don’t need to know: how to be dominated by women, how to shrink from challenges, and how to weaken in the face of the hard knocks that life inevitably provides. So what to do about this?

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First of all, the man has to work out who’s got his balls. When he knows that, he has to symbolically and energetically get them back. Then he needs to find a place where other men can help him embody the essence of his new found masculinity on a day-to-day basis.

A powerful men’s group is a great place to do those things, particularly if it’s made up of men who understand the concepts of emotional intelligence, honesty, trust, accountability and integrity among men. (You might like to look into what the ManKind Project offers if this sounds interesting to you.)

Mixing with the right kind of men in life also helps – that’s men who don’t shrink from a challenge, who live life to the full, and who know exactly who they are (or are on their way to finding out). And doing your own personal emotional work is important. There are plenty of men’s workshops where men can extract feminine energy that’s been injected into them through no fault of their own, and replace it with something more masculine.

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based thread

5 Do Your Personal Work

One of the quickest and easiest ways to recover your masculinity is to plunge headfirst into your unconscious, root out the reprogramming that somebody else put in there, and replace it with a truly masculine program, one that will make you the man you were always meant to be.

I’m not talking here about counselling, which can degenerate into an endless discussion, or psychotherapy, which may produce great insight but comparatively little change. The thing that counts here is action.

After 20 years’ work in various fields of psychotherapy with both men and women, I believe the most powerful way to rapid personal change is to find a way to work with your archetypes and your unconscious Shadow. Your Shadow is made up of the thoughts, feelings and emotions you hide, repress and deny, both as child and adult.

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Carl Jung showed us how the drivers behind our behaviour lie deep in our unconscious. For example, as a child you may have been told or shown or taught – directly or indirectly – that anger was not acceptable in your family environment. Or you might have picked up the message that your sexuality was shameful or even disgusting.

Whatever you were taught, you would surely have repressed all of the “unacceptable” aspects of yourself to keep the acceptance and maybe even the love of your family. But trying to close these feelings down, hide them, or repress them out of sight in the unconscious mind is a double-edged sword.

What you repressed as a child and what you repress now will not lose its power. Far from it: in fact the power of what is repressed gradually increases simply because it’s not expressed.

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The energy gradually grows, becoming more and more influential over your behaviour, disrupting your relationships, perhaps causing you to break down in unexpected grief, or to experience moments of rage. Sometimes it manifests as bodily symptoms, as aches and pains, as illness of one kind or another.

This is the nature of your shadow unconscious. Often the material which bursts out of shadow feels as if it is somehow “not part of you”. It may feel like it is separate from you, has come from nowhere you know about, and has complete control over you.

The process of emotional healing starts in earnest when you take a decision to delve deep down into your unconscious and look at the emotional wounds you’ve experienced in each of your archetypes or sub-personalities: Warrior, Magician, Lover and King. Then you can start to heal the emotional wounds you’ve experienced and recover the essence of your masculinity in its pure, original and truly magnificent form.

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For men who have somehow been “de-balled” this kind of work is absolutely essential if they’re to recover their true masculinity and express it in their own lives.

And for anybody still wondering why this matters, it’s simple: a life lived split off from your natural essence as a man feels empty, desolate, a shadow of a satisfying life. If you continue to live such a life, you may well die unhappy, unfulfilled, and full of regret and bitterness. There is a better way, and seeking it out is a choice that you can make right now: all you have to do is find the path in life that will take you on a journey to recover your masculinity.

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6 Live with Integrity and Authenticity

Every man has his own values. Examples of values include loyalty, courage, strength, defending what’s important, loving freely, trusting others, integrity and honesty.

You are the only one who can decide what your values are, but two stand out for me: integrity and authenticity. I think these values are two essential foundation stones of mature masculinity.

Yet to live a life of complete integrity is one of the hardest possible challenges for any man. From time to time we all take shortcuts, we all make life easy for ourselves, we all skip the difficult challenges. Life can be hard and sometimes it’s just easier to turn the other cheek, tell a lie, hide from the truth, and avoid facing up to our responsibilities.

None of which, I might say, stops us developing a practice of building a little bit more integrity every day. But what exactly, you might respond, does it mean to be “in integrity” as a man?

In fact it’s simple. Integrity means that you do what you say you will do, you are who you say you are, and your actions match your words. So integrity means you live in truth. You know you are responsible for the consequences of your actions, intended or unintended. You accept those responsibilities.

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And of course to stay in integrity as a man you must keep your commitments, whether they are implicit or explicit. When you marry your wife you make an implicit commitment to be faithful to her – and you keep it. When you have children you enter into an implicit commitment with them to look after them. Hopefully you also make an explicit commitment with yourself to protect your children and be a great father to them. You keep those commitments. You do your best to fulfil all the other commitments and agreements you enter into. If for some reason you cannot, you find a way to make it up to those whom you have let down. And in all of that you continue to keep your commitments to yourself.

Authenticity and integrity also mean living by a set of values. For me these values include treating others decently, respecting women, looking after children, honouring planet Earth, and setting certain standards for my own behaviour, among other things.

When you embody qualities like this you are authentic: you are who you say you are and the world knows it. By staying in integrity in this way you forge a path to your own Sovereignty and become a role model for all those around you. You also become an example for other men who haven’t yet understood the true character and nature of mature masculinity.

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3 Find A Physical Outlet That Matches Your Warrior’s Needs

You may not want to take up a martial art, although it’s highly recommended for developing the discipline of your inner Warrior.

But you might want to do something else physical: take part in contact sports, or wrestling, or maybe take up some kind of sport which is physically demanding and perhaps has an edge of danger – rock climbing, surfing, parachuting, that kind of thing. Try something that challenges you in a way you’ve never been challenged before, something which makes your blood pump so much you feel the Warrior inside you stirring as he remembers the archetypal energy that brought him into being.

And don’t be a wimp about this. A wimp is a man who’s disowned his Warrior and is acting weak or like a coward. You don’t need to do anything dangerous; you just need to find a way to express and embody your masculine strength in all ways – physical, emotional and spiritual.

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On a different front, if you’re not moving forward with a vision for your life or if you’re not taking action in the world to get what you want, then one of two things is probably wrong.

First, either your Sovereign doesn’t have a vision that’s powerful enough to motivate him to give orders to your Warrior. Or second, your Warrior isn’t powerful enough to go out into the world and get shit done.

Stop being weak, acting like a wimp, a pushover or a coward, and start being a King and a Warrior. This means forming a vision, living your mission, knowing your purpose, setting your goals, having an intention for every day of your life, and using your masculine power to actually bring these things into your life. If you don’t know how to do that, find a man who can teach you.

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2 Control Your Rage

It’s a mistake to think of male rage as a form of anger that’s appropriate to the Warrior archetype. It is not.

There’s a story about a Samurai warrior who went out to fight an enemy. As the Samurai drew his sword ready for battle the enemy spat on him. The Samurai sheathed his sword and walked away. Why?

Because in the moment when his enemy spat on him the Samurai felt rage. Knowing that if he killed his opponent in rage he would not be acting from the place of the Warrior’s self-discipline, he chose not to act at all.

Unlike the Samurai warrior in this story, most men who have rage in their shadow have little or no control over how it emerges. They cannot stop it spilling out over family, friends, innocent passers-by, themselves and inanimate objects.

Some world “leaders” even seem to express their shadow rage by having their armies vicariously act it out by waging ridiculous wars against foreign countries few people have even heard about until those countries are catastrophically wrecked and millions of innocent men, women and children have died.

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A simple truth: as men we carry a lot of unexpressed rage inside our bodies. Many of us are barely in connection with this rage, but it can all too easily leak out in verbal, emotional or physical aggression and even violence. This rage is the accumulation of huge amounts of unexpressed male energy – call it anger or aggression if you prefer.

This is the energy you feel but don’t or can’t express when you fail to stop people invading your boundaries. It’s the energy you feel but don’t express when others infringe your boundaries and you don’t protect them. It’s the unexpressed energy which arises in you when you’re faced with threats to your territory or your possessions or something else important to you, and you do nothing about it.

And of course there is a deep part of you which wants to react to these things with violence. This is the instinctual male way: to respond with force to threat and a lack of respect for our boundaries. The problem is, no-one ever taught us how to handle our anger. We were never initiated into manhood in a way that gave us this knowledge and ability. Most of us never had a father who could show us how to control our anger, because our fathers were never taught these things either.

Surely, you don’t deny this urge exists in you?

Over the years many men have told me they never dreamed they were capable of hitting their kids until they found their hand up in the air, ready to strike. They were all surprised and shocked by this. Many other men have told me how they have struck out in rage, either against other people, or by breaking objects to smithereens.

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Michael, a highly successful businessman who came on one of my workshops to work on his anger towards his mother, told me how he’d smashed an entire set of bedroom furniture to pieces in a rage. He’d used a heavy table leg to vent his fury after an argument with his girlfriend in which she had innocently “triggered” him. She had somehow “become” his mother during the argument, after which the rest was predictable… fortunately she was not the physical target of his rage, but I guess he had to buy some new furniture afterwards.

After such an event there can be shame or guilt, a sense of relief or release, tears or fears. Such catharsis can in fact be very helpful in reducing your internal tension. But carrying this level of rage isn’t good for anyone, least of all those around you. And what if you don’t know you’re carrying it?

What isn’t expressed is repressed, and it builds up in the body. So if you’re carrying the accumulated energy of a million little invasions of your boundaries throughout your life in situations where you could not or did not know how to respond, then you have a responsibility to find a way of releasing it – before it releases itself.

And that’s not just by playing video games or watching violent films. These play into the Warrior archetype in a powerful way; I imagine that’s why we find the vicarious representation of violence on TV and in the movies so compulsively engaging.

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In real life, however, what you need is a place where you can be physically active. A place where you can break, smash, pound, chop, beat, sweat, grunt, feel your strength, howl, break things, throw heavy things about, smash other things, do whatever you need to do, and shout and swear the obscenities you need to express. In short, you need to have a place where you can do anything and everything simply to get this energy out of your system.

And remember this energy needs vocalizing. It’s the scream of the Warrior on a killing rampage inside you trying to make itself heard.

What of those moments where you feel rage coming up? If you have no other recourse, simply drop to the floor and do between 10 and 30 push-ups as hard and fast as you can. See how that makes you feel. (Better, I hope!)

No matter where this potentially violent male warrior energy lives in your body, it needs to be under your control. That means every so often you need to find a space where you can let it out as much as possible, without inhibition, and as loudly as need be, in a safe way.

This approach to Warrior management prevents attacks on your co-workers, kids, wife or friends, stops passive-aggressive behaviours, avoids self-destructive internalized rage, and helps to prevent physical violence.

But to fully integrate your masculinity into your being you need to treat your internal primal spear-throwing hunter-killer with respect. You need to give him something to do that serves you in today’s world. Most likely he cannot go out hunting for food, and he may not be needed to protect your family from warmongers from another tribe, but he still needs something to do, something which serves you in the world today.

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To be fully integrated, you need to accept this energy as a part of you and contain it safely. That means expressing it often enough that it does not build up to dangerous levels. People know not to mess with you when it’s safely contained. Your energy is strong but not threatening. It’s an embodied energy that makes women and children and vulnerable people feel safe with you. They feel safe because they know you can – and will – protect them if necessary.

What do you need to do, right now, to make this happen for you?

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How To Be A Powerful Warrior

No matter what your Warrior is like right now, no matter what kind of relationship you have with him, you can make it better. You can develop a healthy, mature Warrior – a Warrior in his fullness.

1 Make Friends With Your Anger

A lot of men in the world now seem to be afraid of their anger and hide it behind their fear. Other men hide their anger behind their sadness, so their tears flow more easily than their anger.

Your experience in childhood made you the person you are now, but you certainly don’t have to stay the same way for the rest of your life. If you really want to embody the full power of your mature masculinity you easily can bring your Warrior online.

If you have a problem with “uncontrollable” or excessive anger, find a workshop where you can get that anger out of shadow and integrate it. (See the resources section of the book for more ideas.) Your work may be to learn how to integrate your raging Shadow Warrior and become its master. That way you will no longer be controlled by the forces of your unconscious.

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If you have a problem with too little anger, find a facilitator or coach who works with these archetypal energies and can help you discover what it means to feel the true energy of your balanced Warrior. You can also ask for help in overcoming your fears about expressing anger.

You may find it helpful to experience your own anger in the safe setting of a workshop where you can see other men model healthy anger which is under their conscious control. As you step more confidently into your own Warrior, you will gain more experience of your masculine power and begin to recover the energy of the man you really are, the man you were always meant to be.

Most importantly, make the decision to do something about your unbalanced Warrior energy from a place of Sovereignty or Kingship. After all, your King is the one who should be setting the strategy in your Kingdom. You can do this by symbolically stepping into your Sovereign in your imagination and then giving clear orders to your Warrior so he can go out and make what you want to have happen, happen. This is also something you can practice in a workshop setting.

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In one of my recent workshops I asked a man deficient in Warrior energy to symbolically defend “his” territory in the centre of the room by stopping other men coming into that space. He had to do this with only the power of a hand gesture and the word “Stop!” This soon revealed his lack of warrior energy: men were all over his space! He seemed impotent to stop them.

This was a dramatic illustration of how some men can hardly find their genuine Warrior energy. Yet after he’d practiced this for a few minutes something remarkable happened: he began to clearly channel warrior energy in a powerful and balanced way.

Suddenly men stopped invading his space. They seemed to feel his Warrior, and their own internal Warriors instinctively knew not to mess with his boundaries. Of course, his next challenge was to take his Warrior into the world outside our workshop and do the same thing there.

All of this is about “making friends with your anger”. That may mean coming to terms with the reality that you’re a man and your genetic code is programmed so you feel anger when people infringe your boundaries.

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You may also need to accept a harder reality: inside you there is a very ancient hunter-killer. The survival of the tribe once depended on him and his fellow Warriors. Most likely he is never going to be required to do the work of killing. So he needs something else to do; he needs to be a different kind of Warrior – one who gets things done in the world. A modern day Warrior.

To sum this up, your anger can manifest however you choose: consciously or unconsciously; in or out of shadow; under your control or out of your control. As genuine masculine power and force; as rage; as impotence; as anger turned against yourself in the form of depression. Decide how you want your anger to show up, and then find a way of making this happen under your control.

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The Deflated Shadow: The Masochist, Coward or Victim

The deflated Shadow Warrior, the one who tends not to show any anger, may be a masochist, coward, weakling or victim. Repressed anger directed against the self can also manifest as a form of chronic depression or lack of motivation.

The masochist is a doormat, a mummy’s boy, a wimp. It’s the quality which can evoke the abusive insult “Don’t be such a pussy!” These words refer to the passivity and lack of power or presence in this expression of the Warrior’s shadow.

And just like the Sadist, this shadow originates in some kind of alienation from healthy, balanced warrior energy.

Maybe a man in the grip of the weak Shadow Warrior never learned how to be a man. Perhaps his father was absent. Perhaps his mother was invasive. Perhaps he was bullied mercilessly by older siblings while he was growing up. Somehow his power was taken away from him, that’s for sure.

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Whatever the cause, a man’s move into the weakling Masochist renders him unable to defend himself psychologically or physically. Others are able to walk all over him. Weakling, wimp, coward, pussy, call this shadow what you will, it is a distinctive archetype where a man has no boundaries. He does not know what he stands for, or even where he stands.

He may allow others to push him beyond the limits of his tolerance, sometimes to the point where the repressed energy of his Warrior erupts as rage. His rage, when it comes, is usually expressed by breaking inanimate objects, not people.

Men in this situation may accept what is unacceptable in ways that astound those around them. They have few boundaries or clear opinions of their own. They are swayed by the opinions and actions of others. They are weak and easily influenced by the tyrannical and abusive, whom they may gladly serve. After all, if they cannot set their own boundaries they can at least conform to someone else’s. They can get a taste of power by standing in the reflection of another’s tyranny.

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The deflation of anger in shadow can look like passivity and indecisiveness. It may lead to a man’s inability to decide what he stands for, or his inability to resist the invasion of his emotional or physical boundaries by other people. And since anger is simply one expression of the most basic masculine energy, a repression of anger into shadow is naturally linked to an absence of the energy to get anything done in the real world.

There’s often an inability to stand up to the feminine, too. This man may be unable to stand firm in the face of his woman’s anger and incapable of providing her with the clear, firm boundaries that would make her feel safe.

Deflated anger can also appear as depression, anger turned against the self. No wonder, really, because the Warrior who sees no hope or possibility of going out into the world and having any impact on anything may well feel pointless, hopeless and even self-destructive.

In fact I suspect many suicides come from a deep wound in the Warrior quarter, from either an absence of clear self-identity or a profound sense of having no real right to exist. The inability to make any kind of impact on the world must be a devastating blow to a man’s self-esteem. It’s not hard to see how this might be linked with suicide. If you don’t have any sense of having the right to occupy the space you’re in, well, why would you value your life very highly?

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A man with a weak Warrior archetype often projects his own warrior energy out onto those around him and accepts the bullying or tyranny of others willingly because it represents some twisted form of safety and certainty. Rather than set his own boundaries he absorbs the Warrior power of those around him. This is a man who stands for nothing and falls for everything.

Yet although he has little mastery of either his own boundaries or his own warrior energy, the Masochist or weakling may switch polarities into the Sadist or bully without warning. This is the source of the unexpected eruption of rage or violence in a man who has been pushed beyond his limits.

By contrast, the mature, balanced Warrior archetype is a state of mind achieved by discipline and the practice of self-control. This healthy Warrior archetype lives under the direction of the Sovereign archetype, the King who is in control and running the show.

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You see, your Sovereign is – or at least should be – the part of your psychological and emotional system which issues orders to your Warrior, keeps him in check, ensures that his needs are met, and gives him constructive and purposeful projects to fulfil.

I’ve noticed that without such attention and support Warriors tend to find a way of doing their own thing, usually to the detriment of the men in whom they reside. In fact, in such circumstances they often create chaos. Are you experiencing the chaos of an out-of-control Warrior in your life?

If you pause and look around your inner world for a moment, how is your Warrior doing? More to the point, perhaps, what is he doing?

Is he running amok, doing his own thing without the control, restriction or influence of your Sovereign? Is he rampaging around the boundaries of your Kingdom with no clear purpose? Or is he invading other people’s territory and space without regard for their feelings or boundaries? Is he trying to start a war?

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Or is your Warrior passive, resigned, feeling abandoned and unwanted, sitting idly somewhere in your Kingdom waiting for orders or even attention from your King? And leaving you feeling demotivated, deactivated, de-energized and lacking in any sense of achievement, power and purpose?

A final thought on the repression of anger: sometimes you may meet a man (or woman) who seems too nice to be true. Often you sense that something is missing from their personality. It feels like you are dealing with someone who has a part of them missing. And often they do – their anger, which is totally repressed, replaced by niceness and perhaps a kind of charming yet manipulative ability to get what they want or need through being agreeable and pleasant. This may be a person whose anger or assertiveness is deeply in shadow, lodged in the darkest recesses of the far corners of their shadow bag.

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bump because this saves people having to go to /r/edpill

The Sovereign

The Sovereign archetype within you is a King. This is the part of you responsible for leadership in your life, creating a vision for your life, and knowing your purpose.

Your Sovereign has responsibility for finding your vision, giving you a sense of purpose and direction in the world, and running your life in the best possible way. This is the part of you that makes (or at least should make) the important decisions about how to live your life, what career to follow, where to live, and how to manage your Kingdom, your particular realm.

Your Kingdom might be your family, your business, your circle of friends, your own life, and more. Your Sovereign is the rightful leader in all of them. When his energy is expressed fully your Sovereign makes you a mature, decisive, powerful and potent leader. This means you can – and do – run your life effectively. From that standpoint you can love and bless others, accept them just as they are, and offer compassionate wisdom and guidance to help them achieve their own maturity and fullness of expression.

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Every Sovereign throughout history has been responsible for “holding” the wounds of his kingdom and ensuring the safety and protection of the citizens of the realm. In the same way, your own internal Sovereign is responsible for holding your emotional wounds and finding ways for you to grow into your full potential. (We all have emotional wounds which limit us in one way or another. These wounds are a result of the negative life experiences that inevitably happen to each of us from the moment we are born. They prevent us experiencing all our feelings freely, in a natural way. They inhibit the expression of our full potential. In short, they make us less than we really are, less than we have the potential to be.)

The Sovereign is the archetype which produces powerful and respected leaders. Yet where are the powerful and respected leaders in the world today? I see very few true leaders worthy of our respect, while we seem to have plenty of immature leaders who haven’t grown into the full expression of their Sovereign archetype.

In fact I believe the most deficient archetype in our world today, and certainly the least expressed, is the Sovereign. Quite why there is such a deficiency of sovereign energy isn’t completely clear, but it’s certainly a problem for humanity. It’s also beginning to look like a problem for the planet on which we live. We’ll look in much more detail at sovereign qualities later in the book, along with all the other archetypes.

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Is not Red Pill. It is "Warrior, Magician, Lover, King" by Rod Boothroyd
It is sequel of sorts to "King, Warrior, Magician, Lover"

The Warrior

The Warrior is an archetype which is all about taking action in the world and setting boundaries.

Some people object to the word Warrior because it has such negative connotations in modern society. And Warriors have indeed been creating chaos all around the world for as long as the human race has been in existence.

Yet the Warrior can also be a noble archetype when it’s called upon to protect something of value: think of the Samurai Warriors, for example. Samurai fought for just and noble causes, and if their Lord became corrupt or immoral they would seek another master.

However, to operate at his highest level a Warrior needs a strong Sovereign to control him and send him out on missions which serve a purpose. This might be a mission to protect people in the kingdom, to defend the boundaries of the kingdom, or simply to get things done.

Warriors can fight from an offensive or defensive position depending on what’s needed of them. But the world we now live in could well do without the warlike quality of the Warrior. This is why I prefer simply to think of the Warrior in terms of male energy, an energy which is all about taking action in the world, about getting things done. Some people call this archetypal energy “The Worker”. Whatever you call it, warrior energy is all about setting boundaries, accomplishing tasks, and achieving objectives.

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The Magician

The Magician within you is your internal problem solver, your creative power. He is the one who finds answers to problems and works out how the needs of the Kingdom may be fulfilled. He is the one who kept you safe when you were a child, and he may continue to work as your safeguarder and protector even when you are an adult.

Many names have been used for the Magician archetype including the Sage, the Witch, the Wizard, and a whole lot of other things – Trickster, Wise Woman, Mystic, and so on. They all come down to the same thing: the Magician’s main motivation is problem solving and coming up with solutions. This is an archetype concerned with thinking in all its forms – rational thinking, logical thinking, and creative thinking.

This is the archetype which serves the Sovereign as an adviser or counsellor. The Magician finds solutions to problems and creates ways around difficulties; he likes an intellectual challenge. It’s an archetype that’s abundantly present in the world today, particularly in the world of hi-tech industry and technological development.

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As we shall see there are both advantages and disadvantages to the abundance of Magician energy in the world today: in some ways it helps us but in other ways it can be quite destructive. This is because Magicians aren’t so much concerned with the emotional consequences of their actions as simply meeting the challenges presented to them.

The Magician is also the part of us which comes up with strategies to keep us safe when we’re children. For kids who are raised in less than perfect environments or in downright abusive environments, the part of the Magician we call the Safety Officer or Risk Manager is vital: he creates strategies which keep the child as safe as possible even in circumstances that can’t really be controlled. One of the challenges we all face in life, though, is that the Risk Manager continues to play out those strategies for the rest of our lives, even when the need for them has long since passed. This can be unhelpful and limiting, as we’ll see when we look at the Magician in more detail later in the book.

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The Lover

The Lover is all about the glorious experience of deep emotional connection to another human being. He cares not one whit for boundaries; for him, life is all about unity, connection, flow, and of course finding ways to express those qualities. He values sensuous experience over anything else.

You may think of sex and romantic love when we refer to the Lover archetype but that isn’t really what the Lover is all about. The archetypal energy of the Lover is much more primal than the expression of sexuality: it’s about establishing connection with other human beings. We are social animals, and when we don’t have the opportunity to meet others and connect with them on a social level we may descend into mental disorder and even madness. You see this in prisoners who are kept in solitary confinement.

The Lover is a primal archetype, probably the first one to appear after birth. Our first and most urgent need as a helpless baby is to bond with mother. Our very survival depends on it. Our Lover archetype helps us to do this: it’s programmed to connect with other people from the moment we appear in the world. In fact, the power of this drive is immense, yet it’s not consciously felt by most people even though it controls much of what we do and how we are in the world as adults.

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One of the unavoidable problems with such a powerful urge to bond is that it can never be fully satisfied – in fact it’s impossible for any child to have all of his or her needs met perfectly. That would require a perfect parent, and as far as I’m aware there’s no such thing. So every one of us is inevitably hurt or wounded to some extent in our Lover archetype.

Unfortunately many children are born into an environment where their needs are barely acknowledged, let alone adequately met. Their lives are subsequently blighted by the pain of connections never made, or made and broken. We’ll see how this can affect a person’s entire life later in the book. Addictions, dependency and neediness are some of the most common outcomes of emotional wounds in this archetype.

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The Nature Of Emotional Wounds

Obviously we do not all have equal amounts of sovereign, magician, lover and warrior energy. This is because what happens to each of us during childhood influences the growth of the archetypes within us in a very individual way.

In an ideal world all these archetypal energies would find a fully mature and balanced expression in each of us so we could all achieve our full potential. In reality we are all emotionally hurt or “wounded” in various ways during childhood, and this wounding can inhibit or transform the way an archetypal energy is expressed later in life.

The good news is that our emotional wounds can be a catalyst for change. They can lead us to seek guidance from counsellors, therapists, and other Magicians who work in the healing arts. Working with your emotional wounds (if you prefer, “healing” them) means you can more fully express your innate potential and become more of the person you were always meant to be. In fact, working with your archetypes can be a fast and effective way to discover how to express every aspect of yourself in a healthy, confident, powerful and uninhibited way.

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An experienced facilitator who understands how to access the unbalanced, repressed or shut down energy in your archetypes can help you to restore full potency and balance to each of them. This is an extremely powerful approach to emotional healing and personal growth and development which can transform every area of your life. You can check out how to access this transformational work in the resources section of this book.

Healing your emotional wounds, great or small, is much easier when you have some insight into your archetypes and you know about the idea of “shadow”. And that’s where we’re going right now…

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The Shadow

Where there are archetypes there is also shadow. Your shadow is the part of your unconscious where you put all of the energies, emotions, thoughts, feelings and behaviours that for one reason or another were not acceptable when you were a child. Not acceptable, that is, either to you or to the people around you.

Robert Bly described how a child is born into the world with a 360 degree personality – an all-round, complete, whole personality. As Alice Miller put it, this is the child’s gift to the world: he arrives in the world “trailing clouds of glory”. Fortunate indeed is the child who discovers a world which welcomes his wholeness and glory, the gift of himself just as he is.

Many, perhaps most, children do not. Instead they soon discover their parents do not want the gift they have to offer, at least not in the form on offer. Their parents wanted something different. A boy rather than a girl, or a girl rather than a boy. A quiet baby or a compliant child. A “good” boy or a “feisty” girl. An amenable child, not a defiant, angry one. A placid child, not a needy, demanding one.

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