Scatman Dan and the Shit-Covered Succubi

Hey Sup Forums. Just yesterday, I bore witness to the singular most poetic dispensation of truth and justice imaginable--the veritable apotheosis of a 10D chess game that I had thought was nothing more than checkers until its glorious denouement.

But before I can show you the mountaintop, we need to go back. Back to the beginning.

>Be me
>Work at a summer camp for 10yo's in Texas
>In charge of a cabin of 20 kids or so
>11 are spoiled little shits, 5 are all right, 3 are red-pilled and pretty cool
>1 left is Dan
>AKA Dastardly Dan
>AKA CSPAN Dan
>AKA Dick-Swingin' Dan
>Dan is a precocious little fucker
>On the first day of camp, we asked the kids what their favorite movies were
>Dan couldn't decide between a comedy and a drama
>explainyourself.exe
>Deadass Dan:
>"My favorite comedy was the Wendy Davis filibuster"
>"My favorite drama is the Democratic party"
>"No wait, that's a comedy too"
>Sides in orbit
>Trying to contain my laughter in front of my mortified SJW libtard co-counselor
>Discover that Dan unironically watches CSPAN
>Discover that Dan unironically records and rewatches CSPAN on his DVR
>CSPAN Dan is born
>Discover that he is sorely in need of a stabilizing male influence
>To process the trauma of his early childhood, Dan has "invented" a curious origin story
>Dan's "father" is Uncle Sam
>Dan's "mother" is Lady Liberty
>Dan has reminded me on more than one occasion that, since he has been suckled from the teat of freedom and has swallowed the milk of incomparable wonder, he finds most 10yo activities a waste of time
>Wouldn't build a bridge out of popsicle sticks during crafts
>After 30 minutes of discussion, he agreed to build something that he would decide upon
>He built a wall instead
>Cantmakethisshitup.jpg
>Dan refuses to swim with the rest of the kiddos
>Stands on the beach instead and pretends he's shooting them out of the water as they try to get to the shore
>Decide to take Dan under my wing

Continue?

sure.

Please do

His wisdom must be shared, his show must go on (cont.)

>Decide to take CSPAN Dan under my wing
>Quickly realize that Dan has much more to teach me
>The legend of Dick-Swingin' Dan is born on day 13 of camp
>Hear about it from another one of the campers
>Probably should have reported it, but I can't bear to see this little fucker go
>Dan somehow convinces the rest of the kids to have a dick size competition
>Reminder that Dan plays chess while the rest of the kids are still learning checkers
>Dan isn't just interested in physical dick size
>Dan is interested in metaphorical dick size
>LBJ Dan at it again
>Contest works like this:
>Bracket chosen pretty much at random
>2 dollar buy-in
>Each round is a head-to-head competition, with a catch
>Before pants are dropped, each kid has the chance to place a wager of additional money
>His opponent can match the wager, raise the wager, or call it quits
>When the betting has settled, dicks are shown and the winner takes the wagered money, plus the money that the other competitor has accumulated up to that point
>Instead of matching the bet, the other competitor can fold and just hand over the rest of the money he had accumulated thus far
>Other kids agree to play
>Fully unaware of the size of Dan's literal and metaphorical schlong
>Letthegamesbegin.jpg
>Two kids enter the bathroom, one leaves victorious
>What happens inside, stays inside
>Dan advances to the finals without breaking a sweat
>Poker face the whole time
>Kids start whispering
>Everyone speculates that his dick is small because he looks like a fucking nerd
>Nobody has actually seen it
>Finals to be held in the middle of the cabin, in plain sight
>Dan comes in with a purse of $23.42, the other kid with a purse of $30.30
>Everybody sitting in a circle, with the other kid in the middle
>Dan is late
>Everybody waiting for Dan to wait so the matchup can get underway
>Everybody unaware that the matchup has already begun

Continue

Bumpan for time

Bumping for legendary son of Uncle Sam who nursed at the teat of liberty

In His eyes, alll that is good must be just, all that is just must be good (cont.)

>5 minutes pass
>No sign of Dan
>10 minutes
>Dan the invisible man
>20 minutes
>Does Dan have a plan?
>30 minutes
>Dan chickened out
>Dan is a fraud
>Dan ain't the man
>NO
>45 minutes later, Dan walks in, smelling like vaseline
>"Sorry boys, had to rub one out. Calms me down."
>Dead silence
>Dan steps over the ring
>Approaches his foe
>Bead of sweat trickles down foe's nose
>Dan rolls back his sleeve and extends his right hand
>Hand glistening in the light, evidently covered in vaseline
>Dan has dropped his pants without dropping his pants
>Dan's foe is dumbstruck
>Oh yeah, Dan's hands are unnaturally large for someone his age
>I'm told that if you were there, and you looked hard, you could see a smile forming at the corner of Dan's lip
>Aside: Dan has allegedly smiled 3 times in his life. At the crack of the first firework on his first 4th of July, on the day Bin Laden was killed, and on this very day
>Dan's hand hovers amid a preternatural glow in the middle of the room
>

Pls continue this excellent story, I like your writing technique by the way burger

Fucking epic Dan.
>Kek wills this story to continue

Deliver you fucker

OP WHAT THE FUCK COME ON

Have we been cucked by OP and dans dick size?

RIP Dan, a kid cucked too soon

F

>>Dan has dropped his pants without dropping his pants
Huh?

This is fucking great so far.

He's dropped his metaphorical pants to present his metaphorical dick.

>Nobody knows what the fuck they're witnessing
>Least of all Dan's poor opponent
>Dan leaves his hand out there for a good 15 seconds
>The only sounds were the breath of his foe getting heavier and heavier, and an eagle crying somewhere on the horizon
>"No? Not a problem. If you care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you."
>mfw he's quoting Charlie Daniels
>mfw his dick exists in 10D
>mfw Dan IS the redpill
>The other kid still can't speak
>Stammering
>Stuttering
>Dan silently slides his lubricated hand into his pocket
>Waits a moment for emphasis
>Waits a second moment for added emphasis
>Pulls out his hand
>A flash
>A flutter
>A $100 bill
>Most of these kids have only seen King Ben in the history books
>Here he is, as close to the flesh as they'll ever get
>Dan's foe immediately broken. His eyes give him away
>The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak
>Rattled as fuck
>Eighteen 10yo eyes on him
>Murmurs begin
>"What's he hiding?"
>"Why won't he match?"
>Murmurs turn to mumbles, mumbles turn to chatters, chatters to cheers and jeers
>A lone voice screams, "SHOW US YOUR DICK"
>2 voices become one, the way any chant begins
>Soon, all voices are one
>SHOW
>US
>YOUR
>DICK
>At this point, Dan's foe is visibly trembling
>Str8 dripping sweat
>The madding crowd rises and begins to surround him
>Pressing in
>With a frenzied shout, they pull down his pants, revealing his 10yo pecker for everyone to see
>He passes out immediately
>Crowd fades to a faint rumbling
>Heads begin to drop in shame
>Dinnertime.jpg
>One by one, they file out the door
>Leaving Dan
>Dan stands about 4'10"
>His shadow stretches to infinity
>Dan's hand, still extended, relinquishes its grasp on the piece of paper, and with it, the weight of 240 years falls onto the still-clothed upper half of his vanquished foe
>mfw it's dinnertime but Dan already ate
>mfw no one man alone saw Dan's dick
>mfw everyone saw it at once

More?

How am I supposed to continue avoiding doing my eazy peezy etymological analysis paper if you won't feed me greentext, OP?

Continue for fucks sake!

Moar, pls.

Might as well start assembling the picture, I guess.

Include me in the post.

cmon man I have to sleep but not before I find out about this 10 year olds dick!

...

We want to hear about the shit succubi

Is this the end of C-SPAN DAN?

bump, also put me in the screen cap pls

>No tabs
0/10, really expected more from you.

Righteousness is the handmaiden of glory (cont.)

>Dan is now the unquestioned alpha male of our cabin
>Allow me to rephrase
>Dan is now THE unquestioned alpha male who temporarily resides in our cabin
>Dan pledges allegiance to no home but America
>Dan filled out his camp application as follows:
>Name: Dan Washington
>Preferred name:
>(He added an "s" after the word "name")
>Dan "Can't stand Pakistan" Washington
>Dan "Born in a Log Cabin" Washington
>Daniel "Webster ain't got shit on me" Washington
>Daniel "Boone-stick" Washington
>Address: We'reNumber1 Independence Boulevard, Philadelphia, PA 17760
>Father and mother already mentioned
>Email: [email protected]
>And so on

>Be me
>Want to continue
>Want more to take a moment of silence out of respect for what's about to follow
>The amount of time it takes an eagle's cry to reverberate from the depths of the Grand Canyon
>The amount of time it would have taken for us to nuke Cuba into oblivion had Castro been fucking stupid enough to start some shit
>The amount of time it takes for the bombs of truth and freedom that Hitman Dan is dropping to fall from the SR-71 he's flying way, way above our heads
>Correction: the 5 SR-71s, in victory formation
>With one pilot: Dan

>mfw the legend of Scatman Dan and the Shit-covered Succubi is about to be told
>Trigger warning: if you've ever taken a trigger warning seriously, GTFO
>Trigger warning for freedom
>Trigger warning for patriotism
>Trigger warning for Leibowitz, because America is and will be forever ours under one Emperor Danny Fucking Washington the First
>As I prepare the next post, all I ask is that you spend the passing moments in silence.
>A mournful silence for those who have suffered, stretching back to the brave souls of Jamestown circa 1607
>A brave silence for those who did something about that suffering, like the freedom fighters who stole into Boston harbor one fateful eve
>A hopeful silence, for Dan

Fuck you, OP. Just tell the damn story!
Also, include me in the screencap.

Tell ALL Op, Tell ALL

TL;DR Version
OP falls in love with a 10 year old boy and molests him

>PA 17760

Found the communist

...

3/10 you write really obnoxiously and Dan sounds like a faggot 2bh

OP left.

There is but one Way (cont.)

>Here begins the legend of Scatman Dan
>Dan was a vigorous and lusty stirrer of America's great melting pot
>Dan saw that the pot around him needed stirring
>Dan proceeded to stick his dick in that pot and stir
>Vigorously
>Lustily
>For that pot's own damn sake

>Background: The camp grounds are littered with coyote shit because a pack lives in the woods nearby
>A few kids complain about them now and then
>These kids are summarily ignored because it's fucking Texas and we have 100-degree heat and other more pressing matters to worry about
>CSPAN Dan is above complaint
>Dick-swingin' Dan is above reproach
>Scatman Dan, revolutionary, does the unthinkable
>Scatman Dan befriends the little shit piles
>Calls them "freedom bombs"
>Thereby imbuing them with freedom and making them "freedom bombs"
>Rest of cabin follows suit

>Pause for more background: The camp grounds are littered with actual little shits that run around screaming and whining and generally spreading their shitbaggery
>The administration calls them "girls"
>Humbert Humbert would call them "nymphets"
>Fuck that, they have absolutely no redeeming value. Even pedophiles give them too much credit
>They oppose freedom by their very nature
>Always disrupt peace
>Always claim to be offended
>Generally obtrusive and needy

>Back to our hero, Hitman Dan
>Dan, with the help of his disciples, begins to harvest freedom bombs
>Won't let him keep them in the cabin but otherwise very entertained and do my best to keep it a secret from my coworkers
>Unsure what he plans to do with the freedom bombs
>Unsure but hopeful
>A week or two pass
>Enough time for suspicions to dissipate
>Enough time for the freedom bombs to ripen
>Enough time for Dan to organize and execute the single greatest lesson plan ever invented

I swear to Kek Almighty, user, if all this build-up was for a "boys throw shit at girls" story...

MOAR

kek, pls continue

Implying it won't be funny anyways

OH MY GOD GIVE IT TO US DAN, SAVE AMERICA!

Dan is the king of Grand strategy

...

...

We Sup Forums now
Moar

Yeah this made up shit is stupid. YEAH HE'S A TEN YEAR OLD WITH A BIG DICK HAHA HE'S REALLY PATRIOTIC THAT'S HOW ITS POLITICS

don't include me in the sceencap

I must've missed the part where he showed his dick to people.

Looks like he could survive a car crash.

>One week has passed
>We arrive at the axis of the new turning world, 1 A.L.
>A.L.=Anno Liberati
>The year of the freed men
>One day, under the guise of a recon mission, Dan and a group of 3 apostles wait among the branches some trees along the path to the dining hall
>Not even the disciples have been informed
>His revelation is singular
>As a horde of female succubi bustle hideously down the path, Dan takes a freedom patty in his right hand
>His followers lift their eyes, their very hearts, to follow the anticipated arc of fateful freedom
>Dan pauses
>Raises his left hand for silence
>Aside: Dan always made it abundantly clear that his left hand was his business hand. His followers knew this
>His right, of course, was his pimp hand
>Both hands above his head, assembled in one unifying vision
>Power in one, respect in the other
>Both dropped at once
>Poo was flung
>Freedom was flung further
>Some say the signal was the downward thrust of Businessman Dan's business hand
>Some say it was the sweet arc that the poo traced as it fell through the air, sprinkling little flecks along the way without seeming to lose any mass, hurtling toward its target
>Some say it was the resounding splat of coyote dung as it smacked against the brace-riddled mouth of little-shit-ringleader Suzy who headed the mongrels
>One thing is for certain: poo and freedom rained like cats and dogs that day
>Dan's plan was incarnate
>Dan's plan was now action
>Dan's plan was just getting underway

so this autistic kid just put some shit in the girls area and you decide to add some story to it?

>Dan's plan was just getting underway
There better be something good coming, OP.

Yes? Yes?

>le autist kid throws poop at girls
50% of Sup Forums have been the subject of this story.
3/10 for the effort

the journey is the point of the experience, user.

Your story is retarded user... but holy shit, it really made me laugh lol

What the fuck is this and why don't you fucking type faster.

>Aside: Dan always made it abundantly clear that his left hand was his business hand. His followers knew this

Christ

>I skipped work, only to waste my time reading this stuff.
What am I doing with my life?

Living instead of slaving

>Living
>reading greentext on Sup Forums

>be me
>black kid from Compton transfers to my mostly white school
>invite him for sleep over
>convince him to poop in an empty chip bag
>take him through the neighborhood and have him smear poop under car door handles
>tfw his foster parents say what a good influence they think i am

>The little demons, unable to cope with so much freedom, were sent to the infirmary for the next week
>Suzy was the most triggered
>Suzy sweated through 3 sets of sheets a day, tossing and turning in a freedom fever
>Suzy felt the same burning fire that our founding fathers felt, but she made the mistake of trying to suppress it
>Instead of embracing the fire, she was simply burned by it
>Little Suzy hated poo, freedom, and everything they represented. All of her followers did. They invented countless rules for themselves, rules that served no ostensible purpose other than confusing and subjugating their subservients
>"You can't eat unless you do the hand-washing dance beforehand"
>"You can't swim unless you promise not to say anything about how anybody else looks"
>"You can't be the same as anyone else, except in following the rules"
>Suzy knew that these rules were petty frauds, but she believed in them anyways
>Suzy felt protected by the rules, comforted by them
>Suzy didn't have anything else, you see

>During Suzy's convalescence, a war was starting just outside the door
>Having crippled the oligarchic cohort, Daredevil Dan orchestrated a systematic spread of freedom far and wide among the mongrel proletariat
>No she-devil was safe
>They left their cabins white in the morning and returned brown in the evening
>Their laundry was done in vain, as a new day brought greater and greater freedoms
>Even the washing machines couldn't keep up with the ever-increasing doses of freedom
>But the little shits refused to pick up any shit to fight back
>Covered in shit, they still thought they were above the shit
>Covered in freedom, they still couldn't see it for what it was
>Until one fateful day
>Fan-hitting Dan and his shit-slingin clan had cornered a large cohort of the mongrels in front of the infirmary
>The wheel of fate screeched to a halt for a third time that summer
>Mighty hands, overflowing with poo, hovered in the air, ready to rain justice

Time spent enjoying something is not wasted time

Donald v. Hillary?

This

I'm reading it at work fucking off.

Living the dream.

>this entire thread

>nigger OP didn't type the entire thing out before posting

The anticipation may be half the pleasure, but in the end lies the greater half.

>Once more, CSPAN Dan raised his business hand.
>Some say it blocked out the sun.
>You see, Dan intended to play the waiting game.
>Dan, in his infinite wisdom, could see beyond time, Or rather, he could see from beyond time, seeing all moments of time at once
>To Dan, waiting was just as necessary as acting.
>To Dan, waiting was one and the same as acting.
>So Dan waited.
>Dan's followers, free from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, waited with him.

>A good hour passed, with none of the succubi making any motion beyond the quiver of fear
>And then, in one transcendent moment, time snapped
>Suzy, having repressed the fires of freedom, had just convinced the nurses that she was fully rehabilitated
>She was not prepared, however, for the freedom that lay waiting just outside the door
>As she opened it, she was blinded
>At first, she thought it was the sun
>But it shone too brightly to be the sun
>There, before her eyes, a succubus--a former succubus, or soon to be one--stooped down toward a brown mound of poo sitting, steaming in the grass
>Her mouth fell open just as Dastardly Dan's closed to form a sweet, savory grin
>Dan was savoring this moment indeed

>At last, in the heat of that Texas afternoon, Dan unstopped the wheel of fate, and the whole world watched with bated breath as the nameless succubus cast off her yoke, reached down, and scooped herself a fresh poo
>Grass and all
>The poo was sweet. Light. Like a brown cloud in her hand.
>Yet she felt its power, too. Or rather, she felt her own power manifest in that wondrous symbol in her hand
>She looked up, and she saw with the eyes of all--everyone saw with her--everyone, including Suzy--everyone saw with the eyes of Divine Dan that there was no higher office than that of holding poo and flinging freedom, holding freedom and flinging poo
>The poo consisted of mere accidents; the substance was freedom

OP takes about the same time to type these as an episode of Jim Gaffigan show btw.

That is, the time it takes to watch the show. I'm sure writing it doesn't take nearly as long.

So is that how it ends?

>As the story rolls to a close, I cannot but pause for a minute
>To appreciate what Devious Dan has done
>Devious Dan brought a parable to life
>Businessman Dan planned all of this from the start
>Scatman Dan came to save, to liberate, and if he had to fling some poo in the process, so be it
>In that moment, the former succubus had been saved
>Many of those who witness had the courage to save themselves, too.
>In stooping to pick up what they thought was dirty, forbidden, they realized that it was something entirely different
>The succubi realigned into two groups: those who would bear witness to the power of the poo, and those who would succumb to it
>Those who would succumb were paralyzed by their rules
>The rules they couldn't possibly believe in--rules that didn't make sense--but that they tricked themselves into believing anyways
>The rules that became so complicated--so contradictory--that contradictions became the norm, and seemed to mean nothing
>Nobody really believed in the rules, but so many clung to them anyways as Dan and his followers, old and new, silver and gold, turned upon them with poo and freedom in their hands
>The converts saw the beauty of poo
>They saw its shocking, acrid simplicity, the way it cut through the casuist sophistries and endless machinations Suzy had invented
>They saw the true meaning of freedom
>In a way, freedom was the first thing they saw
>In a way, stuck on the doorstep, stuck in what they thought was the future but was instead the past, Suzy and her remaining followers saw freedom, too
>But in a way, freedom was the last thing the remaining mongrels saw

holy shit

Little Danald Trump grew up and used simple truths to redpill the masses who rallied behind him as the greatest president in our nations recent memory.

>tfw we have read this far and still have not seen the light
>tfw we need to retrace our steps along Scatman Dan's dirty parable
>tfw we arrive at the start, and realize:

"Before I can show you the mountaintop, we need to go back. Back to the beginning."

>tfw we realize our freedom is but an image of the freedom we could one day have
>tfw we see that, in name, "Dan" is just a step away from "Don"
>tfw we realize that the divinity behind both are one and the same
>tfw we realize that the Don will bring us to freedom, we need to go back
>tfw we need to go back and see that what we think is poo, is freedom, and freedom is sweeter than any stench
>tfw Don will lead the way: against crooked Suzy, against crooked Hillary, against Satan, Jezebel, and the Anti-Christ
>tfw true freedom is as simple as flinging poo
>tfw our angel is here

Trulyu a greentext worthy of Sup Forums

>tfw true freedom is as simple as flinging poo

You mean shitposting.

Most beautiful thing I've ever read.

20/10 OP

Still amazed.

I didn't like it much.
7/10 for the effort and writing form tough