The King of Sup Forums trashes Alien: Covenant

>Ridley Scott’s franchise is hackery in action.

>Ultra-hack Ridley Scott has ruined the Alien franchise. His first episode in 1979 was a visually textured, erotic genre film that veered sensually and sensationally into techno-evolutionary horror. It was that decade’s most original scary movie. But Alien: Covenant, the sixth installment and Scott’s third go-round, works exactly as Pauline Kael described in her derisive dismissal of the first film: “a gorilla in a haunted house movie.”

>When a distress signal from a distant planet is answered by the Covenant, a U.S. space vehicle whose crew is employed to colonize new territory, Scott shamelessly imitates the first film’s narrative — he panders to Millennials whom Hollywood considers attention-deficit-disordered and unfamiliar with anything before video games. Scott milks the franchise, disguising craven greed as pseudo-artiness. The Covenant’s “diverse” crew (male, female, white, black, American, Middle Eastern) become cannon fodder in an intergalactic update of Ten Little Victims.

>The only difference here is that annoying ultra-hack habit of pseudo-relevance. Screenwriter John Logan (who did Scorsese’s Hugo) debases the poetic conceit that worked well in the first film.

Other urls found in this thread:

nationalreview.com/article/447756/ridley-scott-alien-covenant-inane-obscene
out.com/armond-white/2017/5/19/why-alien-covenant-sucks
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_(Donatello)
twitter.com/NSFWRedditVideo

>he panders to Millennials whom Hollywood considers attention-deficit-disordered and unfamiliar with anything before video games. Scott milks the franchise, disguising craven greed as pseudo-artiness. The Covenant’s “diverse” crew (male, female, white, black, American, Middle Eastern) become cannon fodder in an intergalactic update of Ten Little Victims.

I love this guy

what a buzzword master
the only thing left for him to say is that he's reddit

>Graphic artist H. R. Giger’s vision of a biomorphic-mechanical monster, which was ingeniously derived from William Blake’s poem “The Tyger,” serves as a now-fashionably-sacrilegious allegory. Covenant’s captain (Billy Crudup) is a believer. Doubted by his team and pushed to his Christian limit, he suffers man’s fall from grace. “There’s nothing you can do — nothing,” he is told when praying over a crew member’s dead body.

>Lacking originality, Logan and Scott emphasize dread; they degrade the first film’s evolutionary mystery (which Jean-Pierre Jeunet also explored in the exquisite, languorous, and tense Alien Resurrection). Alien: Covenant mocks man’s relation to God, starting with its opening scene of cyborg David (blue-eyed blond Michael Fassbender) confronting his inventor. When asked “What do you believe in?” robotic David (named after Donatello’s statue now housed in a futuristic laboratory-museum-penthouse) answers “creation” as smoothly as Hal 9000. Alien: Covenant is not just hackneyed, it’s brazenly diabolical — stupidly so when trading William Blake for Richard Wagner and trite Nazi allusions. Doesn’t Scott realize how, in recent months, Antifa has made all Nazi references meaningless?

>anything before video games
When was video games?

>Had ultra-hack Scott dropped the simple-minded goose-stepping implications, Alien: Covenant wouldn’t seem so insultingly indifferent to today’s ideological turmoil. It might have achieved a Blakean vision of hell (hubris gone too far, as Mel Gibson depicted in Hacksaw Ridge, where roiling action and the specter of death affected its hero’s consciousness). Instead, Scott strikes an atheistic pact with Hollywood’s culture warriors who demean Christian theology; he pulls out that penile-squid monster for predictably spooky, grisly appearances (vagina dentata and then some) to create the film’s inane shock effects. So far, Alien: Covenant is the year’s most obscene Hollywood undertaking.

nationalreview.com/article/447756/ridley-scott-alien-covenant-inane-obscene

>he panders to Millennials whom Hollywood considers attention-deficit-disordered and unfamiliar with anything before video games
Hollywood is right on this one though

>Gay male sexual practice now gets demonized in mainstream media from Stephen Colbert’s indefensible and unmistakably offensive political satire joke to its cheap-thrill equivalent in Ridley Scott’s Alien: Covenant.

>Both use a sex act as an image of perversion. Alien: Covenant uses it, and its implicit inversion (the old way of disparaging gays) when Michael Fassbender seduces himself. He plays the duo role of an android named Walter assigned to Covenant, a U.S. spacecraft charged with colonizing new intergalactic territories and David, the android left over the 2015 Alien sequel Prometheus. The two blue-eyed blond clones meet face-to-face and both automatons (each elegant, brainy and effete) act-out the series’ theme of perverted biology. They inquire into each other’s nature, seducing themselves through using a phallic musical instrument.

>Walter and David discuss embouchure, the positioning of tongue and lips upon a woodwind or brass instrument. Musicians use the technique, connecting mouth to object, without muscular strain and for full musical expression. This pantomime (not as crude as Colbert’s “cock holster”) would be the sexual innuendo of the movie year—as memorable as Lauren Ball teaching Humphrey Bogart how to “blow” in To Have and Have Not—except that Scott, like Colbert, uses it to revive homophobic revulsion.

I have no idea why this board pretends to like this retard. He just sounds like a Sup Forums poster, oh...

>Given the erotic undercurrent of all the Alien movies (where the monster is a representation of sexual repression) Fassbender’s fellatio scene is not a mere coincidence. It continues the series’ unique representation of sexual phobia—from the threat of a phallic weapon to a castrating vagina with teeth. The fiend initially bursts forth from men’s chest cavities, as much against the law of nature as the old American Psychiatric Association’s old restriction against homosexuality as a mental disorder.

>Alien: Covenant revives that slur as crudely as Colbert did when he got caught up in political hatred and revealed his own hidden yet deep-seated homophobia. His “cock holster” joke was the opposite of gay alliance, using male-to-male to suggest subservience and lack of power. Colbert was as self-serving and self-centered as the monster that Scott unleashes with grisly, repugnant, boring predictability.

>While the roles of Walter-David evokes Fassbender’s big-dick porn-star brazenness as seen in the film Shame (with its notorious, homophobic gay sex club scene) it turns the good actor’s erotic appeal against him and his fans.

>The David android is named after the famous Donatello statue that for previous generations represented refined gay eroticism. But Scott and screenwriter John Logan (who wrote the quasi-gay Broadway play Red) go far past discretion. The two Fassbenders portray gay self-loathing—“ No one will ever love you like I do” one says to the other. Each challenges his doppleganger to the point of committing a killing, a gay-phobic suicide. The doubled sameness plays out the difference between sexual and anti-sexual. In the first Alien, Ian Holm’s android Ash displayed a quirky, disturbing fondness for hetero porn. Viewers may reject Alien: Covenant’s display of gay self-loathing. The token female heroine Daniels (Katherine Waterson) is no compensation; she’s meant to update Sigourney Weaver’s great role as Ripley except that Waterson comes off as petulant and calculatedly butch.

>Alien: Covenant reveals today’s troubling and unsettling sexual and political confusion. Any filmmakers or comedians who demean an act of love to win gay assent through ridicule and aspersion are not allies. They represent the progressive era’s neo-homophobia.

out.com/armond-white/2017/5/19/why-alien-covenant-sucks

Because he's right. Notice how redditors like you can't ever disprove him, just spout memewords like "contrarian" or shit like that

>Because he's right
About what? This is all just about opinion, he just comes off like an exceptionally asspained tryhard.
>Notice how redditors like you can't ever disprove him
Pulling out rebbit already?
>just spout memewords like "contrarian" or shit like that
His entire fucking review is a collection of memewords you dumb faggot.

I don't believe you read it.

>WAHHH MILLENNIALS!! WAHHHH VIDEO GAMES!!

He even complains about antifa LMAO

who is this nigger? didn't anyone tell him that we WUZ kangs? it's past tense.

antifa are cunts though

>hackery
>ultra hackery
>pseudo-artiness
>wahhh millennials
Just throw in "glib facsimile" and he would be a 13 year old fedora Sup Forums poster.

Is this why you like him? He's a self-insert?

Please don't make a fool out of yourself.

>About what?
About everything all the time
>Pulling out rebbit already?
Everyday until you go back
>His entire fucking review is a collection of memewords you dumb faggot.
No, it isn't

What does antifa have to do with complaining about all millennials like some gen x disgruntled fuck?

>exquisite, languorous, and tense Alien Resurrection

You haven't said anything that makes me think you read more than the first few paragraphs. Do you have trouble focusing? Did the "millennial" comment cut just a little too deep?

Just more buzzwords from you.

>teehee he's right about everything all the time!
You sound like an actual child.
>rebbit rebbit rebbit
Ugh.
>there are no memewords in his review
If you take "ultra hackery" seriously, then you are far more autistic then I anticipated.

>buzzwords teehee!
Just get out.

BASH
THE
F A S H

>trying this hard to pretend to sound smart
>"ultra hackery" is a term that an actual adult used.
Do you snort loudly and go "oh yeah, got em" to the wall whenever Armond says a meme that you think is smart?

>teehee
>Ugh
>implying scott is anything less than ultrahack

At least I don't separate my responses to different people into different posts. Seems kind of disingenuous.

>The David android is named after the famous Donatello statue that for previous generations represented refined gay eroticism
Please tell me nobody here unironically listens to him.

>implying scott is anything less than ultrahack
Well, he's not.

>Doesn’t Scott realize how, in recent months, Antifa has made all Nazi references meaningless?
>Gay male sexual practice now gets demonized in mainstream media from Stephen Colbert’s indefensible and unmistakably offensive political satire joke

he goes on Sup Forums to find edgy arguments like this to put in his reviews, doesn't he?

Fucking what?

this guy is such a blowhard.

Only got the job because he's an uncle Tom, makes literally everything political, barely even mentions the movie in between his massive rants about those damn kids these days skateboarding on his sidewalk.

Put him in white skin and he's just another Internet fedora using big words to try to hold popcorn movies to artistic standards they never even attempt to reach. Like some wannabe book critic he desperately tries to bring maturity to an art form that is inherently mass appeal garbage, unable to cope with fact that the only reason anyone cares what he has to say is because hes talking about movies that he hates watching. It's literally just as bad as a feminist making everything that happens about feminism, or a Sup Forumstard making everything about jews, this guy is a one-note tryhard that needs to put down the thesaurus. He appeals to pseuds that likewise enjoy garbage and think that a higher level of discourse somehow makes their garbage smell any less like the garbage it is. He's basically using the wrong tool for the job.

How can I put this into metaphor:
He's using a violin to play punk music He's using a rifle to hunt mice
He's bringing a gun to a knife fight
He's killing a fly with a SAM missile

You get the point. Bringing a real gun to an airsoft war doesn't make you better than the guys with airsoft guns, you're just a try hard that can't fit in with other real gun nuts and so you hang out with airsoft players so you're cool by comparison. Like how british comedians that were nothing come to the US and are suddenly famous, or how older kids in primary school hang out with younger kids because the people their age won't associate with them.

Arnold is basically all of those things and he gets away with it because he's black

Faggotry is both sick and unnatural. Calling this nigger a nigger insults street level jive talking dindus. He's an intolerable faggot. And a confused one.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_(Donatello)
Ctrl+F "homosexual", because I know you struggle with ADD.

Feigning ignorance isn't a good look. Just don't respond next time.

I know what Donatello is you retard, Armond's ststement on "refined eroticism" was hilariously silly to write that it can't be serious.

>.m

He retweets Thernobitch and PJW and followed the Sup Forums news network.
What do you think?

You are complaining that I am responding to different posters?

no you

>this statue doesnt look like its ripped out of some trap doujin and polished over
He's even standing in an effeminate way

So basically, Armond is saying that the new Aliens movie treats the younger audience it knows its going to pull in like idiots, says the movie is predictable, and reprimands it for using scenes with gay subtext in an effort to try to gross out it's viewers. Am I caught up?

>makes literally everything political
Only when he writes for the National Review.
His OUT reviews make literally everything about homosexuality.
Man's a genius with the pen.

It was applicable, definitely not deserving of the bland mass of insults you're spouting out.

Forgot my pic

>His OUT reviews make literally everything about homosexuality.

like this review?

is he gay irl or what?

>He's even standing in an effeminate way
Maybe not everyone is worried about anything remotely feminine somehow tangentially making you feel emasculated?

I unironically think Armond White is a better reviewer than Ebert ever was.

Keep it to one post, unless your intent is to fill the thread with your terrible opinion.

Yes, he's literally a nigger faggot.
Also he wrote a review for Alien:Covenant for both National Review and OUT, read the thread.

duh

>It was applicable
Maybe if you are a pseudo-intellectual who thinks anything about that line wasn't hilarious. Sure.

>woah, teehee based Armond!
>you are the one obviously with shit opinions
Kek

I agree, I should know, that doesn't bother me. But if you look at the donatello statue and tell me this guy's size B breasts aren't a little gay, I'll ask you to look at it again.

For someone who doesn't like buzzwords, you tend to use them a lot.

This guy only reviews based on the contrary opinion. I thought Covenant was getting trashed by mainstream critics so he'd like it

this

pseuds that wanna seem smart are attracted to Arnold like a fly to a lightbulb.

He agrees with the Tomatometer ~50% of the time.
Not a contrarion.

>based armond triggering redditfriends again
Why don't you defend this shit movie with actual arguments for a change?

Woah yeah, what a faggot amirite? Alien Covenant is all just an allegory for anal sex! Based Armond! *tips fedora*

What a glib facsimile.

I think they call that a "strawman"

Reminder

who is Arnold?

It's "gay" because you are projecting that onto the statue since it doesn't conform with "less effeminate" modern sensibilities in depictions of men.

Also

just as soon as Arnold tells me something wrong with this movie using an actual argument that is actually relevant to a movie. Everything to him is a super smart reference only he knows about, every fault is some sort of deep-seeded social issue, every single theme is some sort of Hollywood conspiracy. He's virtue signaling to alt-rights so hard I'm surprised you guys don't take offense to how blatant it is.

>taking anyone seriously who calls Armond "based"
If I was to call anything reddit-tier...

You know Armond is right when you see all the triggered redditors.

Wat?

A movie has to do better than just "lol theyre talking about skin flutes haha get it cocks" to gross me out

>...
Please leave.

Scott is a fucking hack.

Yeah, that's exactly why everyone thinks Armond is a retard. It must be le rebbit boogeyman.

You still haven't said anything that argues against his review or defends Covenant.

I wonder if Brody gonna review Alien Covenant too.

If it doesn't conform nowadays, you can probably agree with me on the fact that it didn't conform with the general populace's views of what "gay" is and isn't during the time period it was made in.

>>Yeah, that's exactly why everyone thinks Armond is a retard. It must be le rebbit boogeyman.
First of all, not an argument. But even then, half the thread is people largely agreeing with Armond.

He didn't read the review, just wants to spout out internet jokes.

>argue against an opinion on a flick
No obviously Fassbender is some sort of meta allegory of the statue of Donetello and a subtext for refined eroticism...

How could I be so blind?

>half the thread is people largely agreeing with Armond.
Kek, if you say so samefag. It's a meme to like Armond seriously. But it's summer I guess and that is as far as you got with your "how to post on Sup Forums" macro you found.

This was meant for
sorry about that

Aw, did I trigger you?

He's a confused nigger who happens to be a faggot. But reading his Jewish fictitious faux pas insults my sensibilities cleverly. So you see I ain't mad because any day now he's gonna get fag Aids and die.

But what is your point then?

this is unironically true

King Armond right again, and redditors still chime in here with their regurgitated excuses.

>hurr just an opinion
Classic go-to for people without intellect.

The reasons for opinions can be logical or illogical. Illogical reasons are discarded, logical and sound opinions are kept. Nothing is actually subject. You knew that, right?

>Ten Little Victims

A sly nod to Agatha Christies 'Ten Little Niggers'

> hackery in action.
>Ultra-hack Ridley Scott

Jesus Christ no mercy guns blazing in this one

>Nothing is actually subject.
Opinions on art are literally only subjective you brainlet. There is no objective opinion on a film. You can talk about technical or structural work, but in terms of aesthetics, there is nothing beyond subjectivity.

I hate faggots like you, since this is a just a song and dance to make you personally feel like your opinions matter more than necessary. People who make that shit argument usually tend to be people exceptionally sensitive to cirticism or require validation. You can't just settle with having your own subjective opinion, amirite?

>Classic go-to for people without intellect
But it is all opinion you tard.

Maybe he is. You've said fuck all to disprove the claim.

>he we go with the "art can be objective" kid in every thread.

I'm not here to disprove an opinion. It just seems like an extrapolation out of nowhere to me, like he's making some grand comparison to classical antiquity to beef up his "review" in between spouting memewords.

My point is that the statue is effeminate, if we're not going to say it's "gay". The caricature is lean and tone, as opposed to rippling with muscles. This makes sense, because David defeated Goliath not through strength, but with the power of God (did a little research). His physique clashes with the sword he's holding, I'm not sure he could pick it up by himself. Regardless of what your opinion is, Donatello could have made him the image of masculinity, but chose not to. Instead of giving him a bulging muscular chest, he preferred soft looking, even almost supple looking breasts.

I'm painting broad strokes, but from your point of view, what is "manly" about that statue? Other than the fact that this motherfucker took down a giant

Armond has been king of Sup Forums long before you arrived reddit.

>Opinions on art are literally only subjective
Nope. Given a metric, any piece of art can be judged to be better than another piece of art for any given framework.

>in terms of aesthetics, there is nothing beyond subjectivity.
Science is and will continue to prove this objectively incorrect with every passing year. Everything in this universe can be parceled out and quantified. Why do you think beauty or art would be any different?

>I hate faggots like you, since this is a just a song and dance to make you personally feel like your opinions matter more than necessary.
Nope. It's to clear the space of irrational, moronic, uninformed, illogical garbage opinions from 'brainlets' like yourself, in fact. I'm perfectly willing to defend all of my views against everyone, and cede when i'm wrong.

>You can't just settle with having your own subjective opinion, amirite?
There no opinion is actually subjective, no I'm not willing to believe something untrue.

I'm saying that you are attributing the statue to be "effeminate" because you are contrasting it with your own sensibilities....hundreds of years later. You were spot on about the David and Goliath thing. You ever think that the reason he is "effeminate" is 100 percent due to the nature of the story? And not some "hur durrr Donetello is faggot" that some other user said?