Theater hammocks are full

>theater hammocks are full

>my falcon got crow'd

>Forgot to renew my time-meter
again

I got in line just in time, my time-meter was at 3 seconds and I renewed it. I saw three guys whose time ended collapse right there. I think they used there bodies for the popcorn mine fertilizers. At least that's what I've heard.

>falcon got kino'd by my crab legs from the manlet pits but the designated shooter passed penis inspection so i went to the theatre showers xDDDD
karma chain incoming!

>le reddit
kys unironically

I'll ask robert to do the anus inspections on you the next time.

>local kinoseer becomes a kinodaemon host after trying to conjure the week's new films without activating the protective kinorunes first
>entire county put under watch by kino inquisitors
>mandatory penis inspections and falcon appraisals required daily to make sure that nobody is violating the rites of kinolaw
>flickqistor who does my penis inspection has cold hands and tugs on my foreskin too hard
>she makes me stare her straight in the eyes the entire time and talks non-stop about how she wished that manlets like me would be purged from theatres across the imperium, but the holy see of kinodom insists that all whites have the right to experience the wonder of cinema

I don't know if I can survive another week of this, she's going to find some reason to banish me to the negro realm before the end of this, I know it.

>went to the kinoplex to see Alien: Covenant
>got a complementary pocket pussy with my food and drink

>shower guards forces you to empty the store bought candy from your gun

>all of the best climbing trees are already taken
REEEE I got there 30 minutes before the movie started
wtf

> Forced to take a penis inspection in the middle of the movie.

haha is this the thread where we pretend stuff happened in theatres that didnt happen

gonna cap this and put it on the 'ddit

>on a hot date
>ask for one of those popcorn bags with a wiener hole in the bottom
>they give me a normal one

what theater?

>robert has the day off

>pretend
Are you from the '50s, user? Genuine question here. The world of cinema is evolving fast and if you can't keep up with it that's on you.

>theatre sybians haven't been cleaned up after the last seance

>Have to settle for the stools in the back.
>only stool available has what I hope is bird shit on it.

>pay for a ticket and spin the kinowheel
>lands on capeshit

Dude... what? You know that those are the emergency bathroom stools, right? They have them in the back just in case you need to take a shit while an important plot development or something dramatic is happening. You're not actually supposed to sit on them.

>lands on Marvel kino

>kino owner's wife's son wins the intermission lottery
>6th time in a row

>Get 3 months in the popcorn mines because I tried to watch GotG 2 as a single
>Some idiot drilled up under the lava butter lake causinga huge cave in resulting in multiple deaths and a tenfold increase in popcorn as they have to ship it in now
>Sent to the pizza quarry instead

>he watches his movies at home on his phone probably

Just Learned that Kino Thursday has been replaced because of an extended Capeshit Weekend this week, I made plans with my neighbor Ruth to go and bypass the no singles policy, should I call it off or suck it up?

check the version number in the bottom right corner next time the, lottery machine is likely still running on version 5.0.2 which means it's probably softmodded, offline and homebrewed to land on whoever the operator wants

>tfw on soda production duty as a result of my no singles violation
We have it way easier than you guys. I was pretty lucky though, was gonna be sent to the mines but they were already at full capacity.

>pay extra to be part of the gentlemans kino club in england
>get into screening
>chaddington and friends are occupying ALL of the wiff waff tables

>friend invites me to a car cinema
>notice that wee're the only white people in there
>it's actually a drive-by cinema

>spin the kino wheel
>It lands on Un condamné à mort s'est échappé
>oh boy my lucky day.jpg
>Go to sit in my premium front row bathtub
>"I'm sorry sir, but you have been randomly selected for an anus exam. You seem like a gentlemen of good hygiene, so this should only take a minute."
>mfw I haven't wiped my ass in 3 weeks

>drive-by cinema
How fast do you drive your kinocar? I usually take it at 20.

>go to movies
>it's a shooting range friday

>theater toilets don't have a tv that let's you watch the movie in real time

does your local kinoplex still give out kino wheel spins randomly or do you have to pay a premium for it?

I go at 5. I know everyone behind me hates it but I want to get my money's worth. Fuck doing laps around the kinotrack just to get a full movie only because you're trying to evade the penis inspections at regular cinemas.

>that feel when the designated shooter in the screening room next to yours forgets his silencer and the noises make it hard to focus on the kino
I'm honestly starting to understand why people just watch movies at home, this is ridiculous

>Went to the local church of St. Kinoleum
>About to recieve the pre-movie Communion
>Suddendly a white dove steals my wafer made with purest crab legs meat
>Everyone starts calling me eretic and unholy
>The inquisitors swarm and capture me
>As punishment spend two weeks stuck naked and being whipped in the kinotorium in front of everyone
>Tfw I missed all the projections of Gotg2
>Tfw for God I'm to rotten even for seeing Baby Groot dancing

Yeah but you know what's even worse? When the designated shooter chickens out and chooses not to shoot at all. It's an anticlimactic letdown to any moviegoing experience. So fuck it, I still respect those who try and fuck up.

>local kinoplex is closed because it was rented out for the bimonthly orgy fest
I can't even enter for that because of the more thorough penis inspection they do.

Dude you can just go online and get a fake penis. I've done it hundreds of times, they never know the difference.

Here's a secret little tip for you: My cousin shot the designated shooter once and got to decide the next movie because of it

Do not try dressing up as a girl, they still inspect your penis to make sure it's feminine enough

>randomly selected anus exam
>for the premium front row bathtub
Sounds like you got the standard quality bathtub, user. Standard tub = mandatory anus exam. Premium tub = tub washed spotless before and after every kino-viewing.

>f2p wheel
Only subscription for me.

>killing fields slick with popcorn oil
>wife's son breaks his leg and gets sent to the theater dentist to be leeched
>have to fill out 20 minutes of paperwork
>finally get to the octagon and all the XL prostate massagers are taken
>settle with a 3 inch vibrator
>Avengers 3 beings after a 45 minute lecture on the alt-right
>immediately get shot
6/10 experience

I've read that if you disguise yourself well enough, they do the fabled vagina inspection instead. And since you don't have one, they can't find any flaws, because a vagina that doesn't exist is also a vagina with no imperfections.

I know, I know, it's only a myth, but I've heard of a few crossdressers getting by and this is the only way I can account for it.

The free spins only give you capeshit and such. I pay premium prices for premium kino. I pay for the best private seating arrangements, and I pay extra to dine on the finest gourmet dishes while viewing.
Stay jealous, plebs.

I'm not even meming any more kids make reservations for movies on smart phones and you can arrive 1 hour early for for a movie amd it can still be prebooked... also tgey have bartenders and waiters and shit at amc

>and your wife is out of town so you can't see a movie with her
That always seems to happen, it sucks

If you were right I wouldn't have gotten Arrival on my last three spins
If anything capeshit is rare compared to nu-SciFi

Boy these sure are funny.

>local kinotheqùé allows you to bypass singles policy with appropriate companion anvil or falcon
>bring my 19th century forged 450 lb. anvil
>have to go through checkpoints and buy extra ticket at higher price
>manage to get past anvil registration and receive license
>use the 90 minute commercial break to go the showers
>see a single washing his cast iron pocket anvil
>go to lodge a complaint with the cinema guard, this is certainly not an approved anvil
>kino guardian gives me a warning and tags me for penis inspection
>next time notice designated shooter completely passes me over even though I paid for the deluxe package

wtf how is this fair?

>TFW the bathroom dip dispenser runs out of cheese sauce

I need my toilet nachos

>mfw i got my seating upgraded to business class because they thought I was Kevin James

>tfw you fail the horseshoe toss and they force you to operate the butter smelter

He's probably a nephew of your cinema lord and gets a free pass. Best to keep your head down and don't make waves or it's the popcorn fields or butter churning pits for you.

>Uh sir where's your anvil license
FUCK Sup Forums WHAT DO I DO?

>all the freshly ripened shower fruits gone
>all that's left is old rotted ones being picked at by abandoned falcons

>local Kinosseum installs foreskin detector
>Bris takes hours and I miss the train to the popcorn mines
>get banned for mansplaining the situation to manaxher

You're a fucking idiot. Everyone knows that pocket anvils are the token signal of the cinemafia. Nobody fucks with them or else they pay. Keep your distance next time, you're lucky that the least of your worries is not getting shot by the designated shooter.

>arrive to movie late
>have to sit in the feces corner

I didn't kek but I was entertained

thanks for the upvote

>someone stole the poop sissors

I hate when the slavedriver falls down on the job and doesn't make sure the theater slaves keep up.
Last week the movie I was trying to watch kept desyncing with the audio because the slave cranking the projector didn't keep a steady rhythm.

>the colon giraffe denies your security express visa
>falcon forced to stay overnight in the ballpit hanger

This actually is not a meme. They really do have bartenders (not sure about waiters) even at non-amc theaters. Shit's getting whack. Also security is way tighter than it's ever been, been caught trying to multi-watch only within the past couple of years whereas before no one gave a shit.

Also fucking SEAT ASSIGNMENTS. When did this happen? Dude wtf? Totally anti-kino, this isn't a fucking opera.

>go to cinema
>pay extra for premium tub seating
>they don't change the bathwater out between shows

You need to pay The Undertoad to drain the water.

>his theater hasn't mechanized its slaves by forcing cyborg implants on them that subjugate their will yet
Lol are you from kansas or something?

>have to pay a homeless man in vodka so I won't get caught being single
>have to pay for his ticket too
>halfway through the single check line he ducks out and disappears
>get turned away again
Feels bad.

>He doesn't appreciate the authentic experience
Go back to your 4d theaters and 3d movies you fucking pleb. I bet your theater doesn't even have a vomitorium.

>he doesn't give he projectionist a firm handshake after the showing

No surprise the ushers treat you guys that badly. Only excuse for not doing this is if the cinema aztec picked you as a sacrifice for the kino gods.

you're very lucky actually, in any major cinema they would have extensive interrogation for anyone accompanying a known single for the first time.

inb4 phone poster

>get bumped up from the singles pit to the VIP suite when they mistake me for Michael Moore
>enjoying Pixels with unlimited crab legs and a complementary handjob from the qt ticket booth operator.
>Halfway through the film the Kino Auditor notices the mistake
>6 armed guards grab me and remove me from the theater
>they drag me to a back room
>they hold me down and beat my hands, feet, elbows and knees with hammers
>they pull down my pants and say that they also found out I lied on my penis inspection form
>they cut off my foreskin
>they throw me out of kinoplex into the street
>guard spoils the ending of the movie and leaves

These threads are great for containing all the underage posters trying real hard to fit in.

>guard spoils the ending of the movie and leaves

Sickening

>drooped the soup in the theater showers

How did you guys pass the cuddle test to get past the virginity bouncer?

I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong

Just be yourself

>vomitorium
>not using small, artificially generated black holes to dispose of puke brought about by excitatory plot elements

It's a trick question. If you cuddle at all you're a virgin. Sexually confident Chads breeze past the tester and don't bother with trying to cuddle anyone to validate themselves in the eyes of anyone else.

It all makes sense now

No respect for your history. Don't come crying to me when your tongue gets sucked in. My cinema cuts the tongues from our permanent slaves, they'd see it as you doing the butcher's job for him and put you straight to work.

>When did this happen? Dude wtf? Totally anti-kino, this isn't a fucking opera.

Fucking this. I made this exact same comparison on reddit when a kid was bragging about narcing on some dude in the back row cracking jokes thru the movie. Naturally I got down boated to oblivion but christ its a fucking kinoplex not an operahouse

>People shush me while im reading my poetry

seat assignments are the best. so are hours that keep children out of the theater. I love being able to get my ticket ahead of time, go to happy hour/dinner across the street and then walk in just as the previews are about to end.

>get some needle nose pliars
>break the chains on all the poop scissors in the cinema bathroom and steal them
>come back a couple hours later after the film
>see shit leaking into the hallway because the toilets can't handle people's monster turds

>what are chronoplastic tongue guards
Wow, not only do you not understand spatial manipulation, but you also don't understand time manipulation as well! Can we really call the series of images that you watch real "films", at this point?
Also topkek at your inhumane treatment of cinemaslaves. We at least place them in a virtual reality where they believe all of their wildest dreams are coming true. You pre-tech horizon guys are truly brutes.

>tfw my local kinoplex wont allow you to buy tickets in person
>required to buy on the website
>reddit.com account required to book viewings

Fuck guys. I don't know if i can sacrifice my dignity for this

it gets worse, you have to pay in karma, better screenshot every post in this thread

When I try to get a ticket they unironically require selfies of me with friends at the beach having fun so that they can tell I'm trustworthy. Fucking cinemas these days. I had to build fucking robots and give them blow up doll skins to get through.

>MFW someone has already fed the crocodile in the ballpit

>Our system has detected that you are not an active poster on r/TrueFilm. Please try and buy a ticket again when you have intellectually contributed to discussion of cinema.

This has gotten out of hand

>the spayed intermission waitresses/complementary cum dumps are all being used and the kino starts back up in 2 minutes

Things were easier before they updated therlur software to detect Photoshop edits.

I even paid some girls to pose with me on the beach but the program detected that 'their smiles weren't genuine'. Fuck technology

can you elaborate on kinoslaves? What's the best book for learning more about their history?

Specifically, I'm interested in the Great Kinoslave Recruitment Drive of 1972.

Honestly their standards aren't very hard, though. You just have to publish a review of a certain word count. It can be total gibberish and only the most uptight of asshole managers will care if it isn't.

what the hell is a theater hammock?

>10 minutes before the movie ends the usher hands out a hat to pass around for movie watchers to put tips in

when exactly did this become a thing