Alias Storytime (Part 3)

Welcome back Anons! Time to see if this part of Alias gets any better!

Vendis as his fibest

Okay, full disclosure. I overslept the other night because I was up all night looking for Savage Sword of Conan torrents.

>"Hey, you guys screwed up a few times and put the speech bubbles in the wrong place."
>"DON'T WORRY, I FIX!"

According to Bendis, JJ is a total fucking lib, unless it comes to his massive hate-boner for Spider-Man.

Plus side? Gaydos seems to be using the whole page.

I really should read the entire issue before saying things, shouldn't I?

By the way, the one paper saying "Knightress" when we know her Superhero name was Jewel "may" me an example of classic Bendis continuity, but he does later explain that she tried to go back into superheroing after the whole Purple Man incident with a new name. That's why the costume looks different.

Keep in mind that Jessica is firm in her belief that Matt isn't Daredevil.

>"Why does Spider-Man have this coming to him?"
>"That's what you're going to tell me."

Jameson summed up in a single exchange, ladies and gentlemen.

So did one of these kinds of comics get critically acclaimed or something? I don't understand why people think this is a good idea.

I mean, I vaguely remember an issue like this in Moore's Swamp Thing, (it's the one where he gets raped by a planet), but I felt it was the weakest issue entirely.

>"Wait, are you lighting his cubicle on fire, or hit ass?"

Shhh

That's almost 200 Jello Packs of pudding, to save you the math I just did.

So is there ANY superhero who actually likes JJ? Serious question.

And then there's Robbie explaining the trap.

>"Word gets out that J. Jonah Jameson is suing a woman for reading to orphans, Fox News Channel will run those slo-mo evil pics of you all day for a month."

Remember the time JJ hired Luke to take out Spider-Man in the 70's?
In case you weren't here for that, JJ did it basically the day Norman Osborn's corpse was found, right after Gwen died, meaning Spidey REALLY had some anger to work out.

Short version, it ended with Luke literally shoving his payment down JJ's throat.

...

And now back to speech bubbles.

So I just noticed, but during this series? Bendis had TWO editors.

...

And rather than comment on blank space again, I'll instead ask if posting a picture of the detective you're hiring to solve a potential crime is a good idea.

Given that the woman seems to be portrayed as fucking retarded, I'll give this bit of Bendis-speak a pass, because she may genuinely not understand what Jessica is telling her.

And like every time we get a bit like this, Jessica is in a small panel that looks exactly the fucking same, reused over and over again.

>"Ma'am, are you aware your daughter is a Felica Hardy cosplayer?"

I admit, I'm no private eye, but don't you typically do payment AFTER, so you know how much to charge based on costs?

Lesson one when dealing with the authorities, NEVER ADMIT TO SOMETHING BEFORE THEY ASK IT.

So, for instance, don't imply you fucked your kid.

Seriously, each panel is exactly the same, save where the dad is. And this is the age where digital art was a thing, so he really could just copy-paste the entire damn panel and just add the dad in later.

If you started with that, you would've looked WAY less suspicious.

God, I can't imagine how bad that tub has to reek.

>posters of Daredevil everywhere
>also Elektra and Punisher

...

Try saying "Collage" and "College" out loud. You'll find that they don't sound similar enough to be confused, unless someone thinks you're speaking weirdly fancy.

Another repeated scenery image. Seriously, least they could do is make the shadows different, you know?

This reminds me of Marville. That's not a good thing.

So what you're saying is that none of those kinds of comics has ever been good?

Well, that explains why nobody is helping.

Given that this arc is the only time this collage style of cover comes up in-universe, it makes no sense why the entire series uses these covers.

Well, The Clown at Midnight was... interesting.

This is almost an entire page of Bendisspeak!

Holy shit I want to slap Gaydos in his ugly, fat face. How fucking lazy can you get??

>"Being a mutant is like being gay or jewish, you don't want to pretend you are if you're not, right?"
>jewish is bolded

>"It's the hottest sub in the history of the world."

Okay, so either Jessica Jones IS supposed to be hot, and we can't tell because nobody looks hot when Gados draws them, or this guy just has hilariously low standards.

So he asked her out, and she said her mutant powers would kill him if they banged.

Raise your hands folks, who here would take that to be true, and who would think she's lying to get out of a date?

I'm curious if his corner-cutting, and the fame their book got, was the reason Bendis is so ready to settle.

If we're to take anything from this series? It's that the press is evil.

So the dumbass at the start of the issue brought up a point that's probably been answered in the 50 years they've been around. DO all mutants have powers, at least the ones that pass for human easily otherwise? I mean, most of the mutants I know who basically have no powers are the ones who are also, you know, OBVIOUSLY mutants, through their appearance alone (like Beak).

So what we're learning is that the victim is emo as fuck.

Oh no, don't interrupt. I've GOT to know where that story was going to go. What did the baby do?

Wait, is she Batman or Superman? Come on, commit to your insult!

...

Jessica Jones, constant fuck-up.

>"I think you're drunk."
>"Well, duh!"

So, how long have dashboard cameras been a thing? Because this is ALL getting recorded now?

Look, I like Bagley as much as anyone else who enjoyed Ultimate Spider-Man and Thunderbolts, but even I'll admit that he's not exactly that good.
But how fucking shit does Gaydos have to be for this to be a step UP?

...

>Time to see if this part of Alias gets any better!
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say no. Because Bendis.

It just gets rapey-er, with Purple Man, and Maddie Franklin getting turned into a living Meth Lab.

>Maddie Franklin getting turned into a living Meth Lab.

We may actually get to that part, at least.

I like to think that they didn't actually fuck, and she just passed out on his car. Mostly because that's funnier than the alternative.

I think Jameson is actually pretty consistently more left wing than not going back even to the 60s.
I've seen at least two stories that explain his outright hatred of Spider-Man as being linked to early work he did exposing the KKK.

Because the reporter is a busybody twit, that's why.

Bendis, this isn't the Ultimate Universe. Mutants aren't man-made in this continuity.

I know that probably wasn't revealed yet at this point.

>Babysit my grandson

Wait, does John "Moonwolf" Jameson have a kid?

Not outside MC2.

Well, clearly. Everyone knows Daredevil is MIKE Murdoch, Matt's twin brother.

No, they know Mike was the FIRST Daredevil. Matt's the second.

Seriously, when was the last time Mike Murdock was referenced?

>"I'll be pissed at myself forever if I don't say this."

Oh, this should be good.

Reminder that one of those PIs JJJ hired was Mac Gargan, and then JJ payed to have Gargan irreversibly turned into the Scorpion, because he really, really hates Spider-Man.

>"I'm sorry, but I believe you're misinformed. Mutants are quite clearly an abomination brought on by man's greed."

>No, they know Mike was the FIRST Daredevil. Matt's the second.

That was a clever ploy!
Mike Murdock clearly faked his death and just wants people to think his brother took over!

To this day, JJ is basically the only person Gargan hates more than Spidey, I believe.

So is Jessica the stupidest detective in Marvel?

That would explain why we never saw Mike's body... holy shit, I think you're onto something!

Bendis, just stop it. You aren't a good enough write to pull off this Morrison-esque "break the fourth wall" stuff in the first few panels.

I'd need a big list to compare them to, since I don't know many detectives in Marvel off the top of my head, but the few I do know all beat her.

...

So has Lang ever referred to himself as "Scottie" before?

Has ANYONE old enough to have a child referred to themselves as "Scottie" when trying to impress someone?

>"Where are you?"
>"In hell."
>"Oh yeah? I haven't been there in a couple of years."

AND THEN DISASSEMBLED HAPPENED!

Well, this is a bit of a character switch from how the reporter was acting last time.

I genuinely feel like at least half of Gaydos's art in this book is the same panel repeated and maybe zoomed in.

Yeah, everyone with half a brain could've guessed this an issue ago.

Maybe it's because I have no eye for art, but this hardly seems THAT good.

Frank is many things, lady, most of them bad. "Idiot" is not one of them.

...

So, odds that we find out who did this? Because it's unlikely he was able to do this to himself.

>I don't think she was a Mutant either.
Then why did you fucking tell the Pastor that you idiot?

Because she's a fucking idiot. Next question.

...

Oh look she found out that that random kid with the baseball cap knows where the girl is, isn't she just the best?!

So yeah, bitch is alive and well.

I think that's the biggest deduction she's made in the case, and it's the only one we don't see.

Oh that last panel doesn't even HAVE a background, you lazy fuck!

>"Have you ever been kicked in the nuts by a super hero?"

See, you get the feeling he's trying to do a "badass line", but that still doesn't top that "If you shoot me, I'll pull the bullet out of my jacket and shove it up your ass" from last arc.

Reminder that he's probably working security, and he has ground to sue for this.

Doesn't matter, he let a minor in.

Do you want to guess how long Bendis will stretch out this car drive?

For the rest of the issue probably.

>"How many mutants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

Five, but one of them has to die, only to come back to life in a few months.

>"It was like I as in a coma and now I wasn't."

Foreshadowing!