Full-New X-Men

Having read through "We Don't Need Your Civil War," "Muh Phoenix" and "Illuminated Comics" in relatively short order, and recognizing the howling void left by the end of Illuminated Wars, I decided it was time for a new ongoing Marvel parody project to begin. And what single work is better-positioned for parody than Brian Michael Bendis's All-New X-Men.

After several weeks of work, my editor and I have five full issues in the can, and intend to start releasing them at a rate of one per day every day, starting with a big bunch on this the day of our launch. And where better to start than here on Sup Forums where so much of my awareness of what makes Bendis parody-worthy arises from?

Other urls found in this thread:

unxannyrewrites.tumblr.com/
twitter.com/NSFWRedditGif

And so, with the greatest of hopes of your continued enjoyment, let's storytime the beginning of this saga.

...

...

...

...

And the final page for now. All future pages will be found here, about 3:00 PM eastern time, every single day:

unxannyrewrites.tumblr.com/

Just as an observation. It always bothered me deeply that Bendis would go to the trouble of introducing an Australian X-Man and then have zero per cent of her dialogue be in any way Australian-sounding. If it weren't for the fact that it said the word "Australia" on the page, you would be safe in assuming she was in Miami or L.A. I decided... let's go 200% maximum Aussie with our take on her. Just for funsies.

So turning her into 1970's Tempus?

If you think she'll be so happy to accept a bland name like "Tempus" with a personality like this, you have another thing coming. That conversation is coming in a few issues.

C-men is now my head canon. Nothing can tell me otherwise.

And it isn't Time Sheila or Captain Australia either, is it?

Will I need to read bendis-men to get the jokes?

I'm liking it so far.

...

I seriously, SERIOUSLY toyed with "Captain Australia" and almost pulled the trigger on that before coming to something both funnier and more appropriate. Good guess, though!

I think it would HELP but not be necessary. There are a number of jokes which are specifically satirical of the source material, but lots which stand on their own merit too.

I'm glad you like it, because while I conceived of it as a one-off joke based on the slip of a finger on my keyboard based on the fact that X and C are right next to each other, it has, over the course of the first five issues, become the single most prolific running gag in the series.

Glad you're digging it! I anticipate periodically storytiming new stuff here on Sup Forums in addition to the daily updates on the Tumblr.

All shall love Cyclop's C-men!

This is funny. Keep up the good work.

Keep doing the Lord's work, Editbro

I've sent the first five issues around to a number of beta-testers of sorts, to see what they think of it. One issue on which there's a consensus is that people cannot get enough of Cyclops's C-Men. Once they get a taste of it, they're ravenous for more.

After certain... notorious edits I produced of another X-Men comic penned by Bendis a year or so ago, I always intended to do more. It's now that I find myself with the spare time and the passion for it that I find it's time to get this party started in earnest.

I see what you did with the URL there.

If and when we get to "Battle of the Atom" and it's necessary to do some crossover issues with that series, you'll be seeing more than that.

Good stuff

Keep up the good work.

Nice. Keep it up.

>C-Men
mmmm

It's a name that, once I thought of it, really just seemed to stick, you know?

I loved a lot of Illuminated Wars though I'm still not sure what the joke of Thortective was.

Like were we too uptight about Jane Thor? It just sorta fizzles and I read it too late to talk about so here I am.

Also this is neat, OP, I'mma check it out.

I think the joke was pretty basic. It was a crime which was so blindingly obvious to the readers without any real suspense to it in the original comics, and taken to such an absurd degree in the re-write that Ultimate Thor's blind, blundering failure to detect was essentially Three Stooges-level slapstick.

Oh, and for those who are more into Facebook than Tumblr, there's this option for following us as well:

UnxannyRewrites

(apparently I can't enter the full URL because Sup Forums thinks it's spam when I do so)

New pages will go up there every day at the same time as the Tumblr updates.

>(apparently I can't enter the full URL because Sup Forums thinks it's spam when I do so)
Put the URL into tinyurl. It'Il give you a usable link to post here.

Evidently this is not the case. It was worth a try, though, so thanks for the attempt!

I guess? Like most of the Illuminated gags are a take that at Marvel (I loved Black Panther finally talking some straight truth to his people holy SHIT.) so maybe I'm looking a little too deeply at the Thor thing which was kind of handled way better earlier where Freya just points out to Thor that everyone's gone mad.

I'd say about half of Illuminated Wars was digs at Marvel, while the other half was characters just being dicks to each other. Hopefully this rewrite here goes a bit lighter on both accounts.

>(I loved Black Panther finally talking some straight truth to his people holy SHIT)

Yeah, that was such a glorious moment that I sincerely wish we'd see something like that in Marvel canon. It's such a glorious end to the main plot and so poignant in context that I'd give just about anything to see the Wakandans of 616 get that kind of straight talk. As much as I've laughed at a LOT of other pages (in particular pic related), that's my favourite moment too.

Yeah, that was my biggest complaint with respect to We Don't Need Your Civil War, Muh Phoenix and Illuminated Comics: Too much of the humour boiled down to heroes being complete assholes to each other, and as funny as that often was, I didn't want to do the exact same thing as them, since I felt like it was too well-trod a path and sort of easy-mode.

Some characters are assholes. Some are merely uncouth. There's a fair number who are basically decent and worthwhile people, though not without their failings, comedic and otherwise, but I'm finding I enjoy having them around as straight men and/or comedic foils for the others.

Good work, OP! I'll be keeping an eye out for more of this.

That really bugged me too. Other characters call attention to her accent repeatedly, but they don't even make the effort to Guthrify her speech.

I was expecting the Straya talk, but not with this accuracy

Thank you

There is a different accent, just not written phonetically

it's like I'm really at blacktown

not everyone can be Claremont sadly

I know. Spelling out the sounds would just look kind of New Englandish, so you have to throw in some slang to make an Australian character not read American. The edits here are obviously the solution.

bump

This is really really good!

What else have you parodied?

>limeys translating comics
disgusting

I love this kind of stuff, so I'm glad to see a new project going up. Keep up the good work, Editbro.

I'll admit I wasn't a huge fan of the Aussie speak at first, but it really helped the "translate to Australian" gag land.

Agreed

Are you going to be covering All-New and Uncanny C-Men

The book we need

I must have missed that, what was it?

I suspect it's the edit where teen Jean reads Cyclop's mind and sees mental images of him plowing her from assorted positions

>I decided it was time for a new ongoing Marvel parody project to begin

Aw sweet, time to get comfy.

Props for getting an editor.

Don't forget the constant reposts of Iceman being straight but then turned gay by big bad scary militant feminism.

I bet you a fiddle of gold it turns really Sup Forums early and often.

I'm praying not, but I'll take you up on that offer.

>UnxannyRewrites
put the like option, man, so we can follow it

Looking forward to reading the rest.

That's hilarious. I can't help but laugh at the weird dissonance between source and substance here.

You wouldn't believe the literal dozen tabs I had open on my browser full of Australia lexicons, lists of terms and phrases and such literally every time I had to write Eva's dialogue. She's an incredibly difficult character for me to write, but also one of my favourite once I've got a page done.

There's been a few other things here and there. Back when Jane Foster's identity was still a mystery I did this, which wasn't meant to be comedic per se so much as exploring an idea that seemed self-evident to me.

Not to worry. I'm a dyed in the wool leftie; I vote my country's socialist party every election, and have no patience for Sup Forums's nonsense. You'll find nothing like that going on in this re-write.

Good point. I'll get on that tonight.

your country has a socialist party?

Many countries do! It's nice having an actual political spectrum rather than the Ameican system of having a middle-right party and a far-right party.

>Are you going to be covering All-New and Uncanny C-Men

Well, this IS (or was) All-New. As for Unxanny C-Men, we'll definitely be doing the issues which tie into Battle for the Atom and we've spent a lot of time discussing the idea of doing the rest of the series as well, but that largely hinges upon what sort of following we develop. If people seem to be really into it, we may wind up doing that as well.

Incidentally, as daytime begins in Australia, I'd be very curious to hear from any Australian readers how I did on the lingo. While obviously I was deliberately going over the top with the dialogue, I'd like to know if I was at least using the expressions correctly!

NZ here. They sounded pretty fucking bogan. That is a good sign. Australia has some good comedy to check out for genuine slang, but your parody version sounds pretty legit and the actual words don't really matter once you've got the vibe down.

I commented earlier (it's actually evening here), but the language was pretty good. It obviously read as a parody, but it wasn't unintelligible.

Kill yourself, tumblrina.

Yeah, to me it was never about feminism. There was nothing feminist about what Jean was doing in those pages; it was just the behaviour of a selfish, immature narcissist. Nothing political was said or implied in those pages; it was just an observation on that specific character's personality and habits.

>no patience for Sup Forums's nonsense
That blasphemy against the Board of Peace almost makes me want to not read this out of spite, but I really enjoyed your edit so far, so I'll let it slide. But I'll be watching you, fampai. If you EVER insult Kek then you'll be first against the wall on the Day of the Croak. I guarantee it.

Well, there is one joke at Alex Jones's expense a few issues from now, but I hope that by that time I'll have won you over with the story.

Done and done. Should be possible to do so now!

Derp. Meant to quote this message. Following us on Facebook should be possible now.

If there'll be no SJWism either, that'd be great.

This is how it should've gone, and sums up my thoughts of the FemThor matter pretty well. Kudos to you, Editbro

YOU WICKED, WICKED DEVIL!

There's one small joke at their expense too, and in the same subplot. I don't really want to get too political with this, but you won't see me pandering to either extreme here, nor giving that whole silly conflict undue attention. It always sort of bothers me when a satire of a given work detours too far into making fun of things unrelated to that work. It feels inauthentic and cheap, like some of the early jokes in Dragonball Z Abridged, when they'd do things like Harvey Birdman jokes out of nowhere.

Yeah, I never had a problem with her as a character, I just disliked a number of things about the execution of that story, which I felt could have been fixed in a very simple way like this. I get that calling her Thor was purely a marketing thing; they knew they'd make more money if her book was called "Thor" than if it were called... I don't know, "Hammerblow" or whatever else they might have called her. And obviously they're a business and obviously I don't begrudge them wanting to maximize their profits, but creatively it was bothersome and led to a lot of bullshit posturing on the topic which I strongly disliked.

>I get that calling her Thor was purely a marketing thing; they knew they'd make more money if her book was called "Thor" than if it were called... I don't know, "Hammerblow" or whatever else they might have called her. And obviously they're a business and obviously I don't begrudge them wanting to maximize their profits
That would be solved pretty easily. Give her the "Journey into Mystery" book, and let Odinson have the "Thor" book (re-titled "Unworthy Thor" maybe).

After all, Spider-Gwen didn't need to don Spidey's costume and become "the new Spider-Man" to be popular, did she?

A better example is how Miguel, Miles and Peter are all calling themselves Spider-Man simultaneously, but I do take your point.

I think that a better arrangement from a business perspective would have been to give Jane the core "Thor" book (perhaps "All-New Thor?") and the Odinson into Journey into Mystery (since it was where he made his first appearance anyway, so it seems like a natural fit). We saw how poorly JiM did when Sif became the main character and there's no reason to believe that it would have done better with Jane as the main character, but I think that the arrangement I propose would have worked out well.

Huh. I do rather like this.
>Journey into Mystery
>Selling
It didn't work with Sif, and it wouldn't work with Jane.

>Miguel
I keep forgetting that Spider-Man 2099 is a book that exists.

Exactly my point. That's why I'm saying that if you put the Odinson in a rebooted JiM and Jane in an All-New Thor, then I think that both would sell.

I recently started buying up the trade paperbacks of it and reading it that way. I'm not going to say it's fantastic but if you enjoy Peter David's writing style, it will be, as they say, "cozy." As a long-time X-Factor fan, it gives me that comfortable reading experience I miss from that series.

That'd be good.
(It would also have been nice if they hadn't done the WHO IS FEMTHOR thing and cut some of the more obnoxious jokes from the opening arc, while we're wishing.)

Hilarious stuff mate. But why not just make it a page so we can like it?

Thank you user, you're right, we need people like you more than ever.

>NNAAAAGGGH

It starts well

Hmm, maybe... Still shouldn't have called her "Thor". Give her her own unique name (not "Thor", but also not "Thor Girl" or "Thora" etc). The book itself can still be called "All-New Thor"

Nothing wrong with calling her book Thor. As to her name, something along the lines of The Worthy maybe. Or by the logic that controversy and angry fans sell, Whor.

I admit that I'm not super familiar with Facebook, but does the 'follow' function not serve that purpose? If not, let me know what's what and we can see about sorting that out.

jesus, it's like Mad Max out there

Editor replying here. I know about the page option but I'm wholly unfamiliar with how managing one would work. To be honest, I'm not even sure what this would have to be categorised as (a book series? a "comedian" page?). I'll keep looking into it, but if you have suggestions, do feel free to share.