I’m beginning to realize that I’m making no progress on my road to being a filmmaker. No matter how much I talk about doing something, it means diddly-fucking-jack if I don’t act on it.
Since it’s Halloween, I decided to change that. I wrote a quick 3-page script (not the one in the pic), talked to a friend of mine, and we’ll be shooting the whole thing in a few hours. I have no clue how it’s going to go but it’ll be nice to get back into the groove of writing, shooting, and editing within a short period of time and very little plan.
Here’s the last thing I made that I think is worthwhile, using scraps of footage that I didn’t quite have a story for but liked nonetheless. youtu.be/gDiRzzdSL9w
What have you made recently? What can you show us?
Why am I always the one talking to myself in these threads
I just want to provide a space for wannabe shitty filmmakers to share their works and get them critiqued so they can be better
Instead it always comes across as me hawking my own shit
Justin Sullivan
because nobody here is into making films, and if they would, they wouldn't share it here
Liam Scott
They used to. It was a great time. I even met some people from here, most notably when I saw this guy’s short at a local student film festival that one of my best friends helped curate. youtu.be/Q0IhXsE7SiU I also met this guy through here, and while I can’t say I understand his shit at least he’s working on making shit. m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=7ddpFXDtmzg
Eventually, the threads devolved into gearfagging and infighting, someone co-opted the screenwriting Generals to try and salvage it, and in the process took both of them down. I sometimes feel like I’m the only one left.
Jacob Lee
Hey man, I just posted a 14-page script I'll be shooting this winter over here: Brutal feedback is much needed & appreciated, if you've got the time to give it a look.
Did you write any more of the one you posted in your OP? It's tough to judge based on this alone. Based on this page alone, it honestly feels a little generic, but I don't know where you're going with the story yet.
Your style and structure are fine, it's all clear, correct and easy to follow, there's just not much here yet to respond to, positively or negatively.
I'd say the same about the clip you posted. There's just not enough here to say much about, yet
If you're willing to post your 3-pager, I'll read and respond
Wyatt Baker
>posting scripts you've written on Sup Forums, reddit, or any other social media Don't do this unless you're okay with being resigned to a lifetime of being associated with fucking loser internet virgins and all the other "indie filmmakers" who will never make anything seen by more than 100 people.
Zachary Collins
I'm not ashamed of you guys
Brayden Kelly
You could say that about nearly everything I’ve done. Nothing really ends or begins. It just exists, in a weird void. I’ll post some of mine here in a minute.
Anyway, I read your script and really liked it. Someone already said the “show don’t tell” thing, and there’s niggling issues I have with formatting, but literally none of that matters if you’re shooting it yourself and have a clear idea of what you want. You made the vague, unknowable threat of The Chink extremely clear, while also making it sound kinda funny. Everyone gets a decent amount of development, which I liked. The only thing that could really be an issue is the ending might get expensive and messy, but if you know how to pull that shit off you’ll be swell.
Charles Gutierrez
Thank you very much man. Appreciate you taking the time, good to hear the humor came through for you. Yeah the ending is the only tough part production-wise, but we've worked out how to pull off the effects pretty well. Not as pricey as you'd think >there’s niggling issues I have with formatting I know I'm not supposed to write camera directions, but sometimes it's the only way I can think to describe how the moment plays out. I'm directing it myself so I can get away with it
>You could say that about nearly everything I’ve done. Nothing really ends or begins. It just exists, in a weird void It's tough to get started. It's one thing to write a story, another thing entirely to write a story that you can actually pull together in front of a camera without a bottomless pit of money.
But yeah feel free to post whatever you're willing to share, I'll be on for another hour or so
Jaxson Fisher
You are all Reddit. Pizzagate is real. Not an argument. Degeneracy. I'm terrified
drive.google.com/open?id=0B6uwaxNQt5HRSDJBMXB4clloSHM This one’s a straight love-letter to Neuromancer and other cyberpunk memery. I build on it with no real rhyme or reason, other than getting my main trio to the bottom of the mystery. Been a while since I worked on it. One of them is probably gonna die. I dunno.
drive.google.com/open?id=0B6uwaxNQt5HRaGpvcS1hXzQ0R0U This is the 3-page script, if you can really call it that. It’s almost entirely stage direction. I want to say I drew heavily from American Psycho, but it has nothing that made that movie good. I just wanted to write and shoot something, and I’ll be getting my chance Sunday.
Carter Rogers
Thanks Logan, I appreciate it.
Jose Myers
Get involved with your local community theater dude
Carter Cox
Theater’s not especially big here, and it’s even harder trying to find filmmakers.
I read your 3-page script, it's pretty good. Way, way better than anything you put in your first post. It's brief, fast-paced and focused, you get your concept across very clearly without over-explaining it, in a way that honestly makes me want to read more of the story. It might not be "American Psycho" but it's a nice little intro to a concept that could make a pretty cool movie if you develop it further. If you can shoot it this weekend and actually get the video done, that's a really good thing. Good luck dude.
I want to give you some kind of criticism to work with, but it's just a matter of personal taste - it does have a little bit of that "generic" feeling I got from your OP, in the characters & dialogue. I get that nobody gets a lot of screen-time in a 3-page story, and your main character is supposed to be a depressed drone by day and mind-controlled robot by night, so it's fine if he's a blank slate. But there are other characters that get little moments here and there - his coworker, the controller-phone guy, and his murder victim - you could just work with your actors, maybe improvise a bit, to give those characters a little more personality & specific details to make them a little more lively. The lines they've got here are pretty much stripped down to pure plot function, it makes it all feel a little cold to me.
Aaron Robinson
Unironically, THIS
Easton Myers
I skimmed through the 3 page script because I cant be bothered to read it thoroughly this early in the morning.
My first question would be: Whats the point of the short? Not that you always need a point, but there's little of anything else here to make it a worthwile 3-5 minute short to sit through. If there's any underlying meaning or point you're trying to make, it's lost on me. Not to sound harsh, but it's hard not to, it's pretty much fan fiction and you step into way to many cliché.
Self insert. The main protagonist is a early 20 something year old guy, this sounds self masterbatory to say the least from a audience perspective. This sounds like a power fantasy of a frustrated 20 something year old. (you) Rewrite it to someone older and more mature. late 30's, 40's etc. It will lend more credibility to your story.
Victim who had it comming. You've written a cartoon of a victim here. Not that you can cram much subtleties into a 4 minute short, but at least come up with something better than "greedy, self centered capitalist banker that would sell his mom if he could". I would write something that hit's closer to home with the audience. At least something that makes the areas more grey and not completely black and white as it is here.(Protaginist=Vigilante, Victim=bad guy)
That said. As a script to just shot a first short out of, it works fine. You got a beginning, middle and an end. There's not much dialoge so you as a director can focus on getting the visuals and the broader strokes right. This isnt something I would present as a feature film, but if you just need a script to see if you can direct a short movie, this would do the trick.
Hudson Wood
If you're not Jewish you're fucked.
Gabriel Powell
I'd like to add that I didnt mean to sound discouraging. The script isnt a mindbender. It's straight forward and that's something you probably need if it's your first short.
