It's time once again and much later than normal for Spider-man. Tonight's episode: JJJ wants a theater destroyed.
Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. These storytimes have been brought to you by Rockstar™ energy drinks and by proud support from people like (you)
Itsgoingtobealongnighttonight
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Is the story of the forbidden love between man and skeleton be a believable and heartrending instant classic? Only time will tell.
Peter: My apologies, I had skeletons on the brain. I'm Peter Parker from the Daily Bugle and I'm here because my boss wants me to take pictures of the Old Castle Theater before it gets torn down. He calls it a blight on the neighborhood, a cancer to be amputated.
Oh my. It appears to be raining. There's a lot of memories in this place Etch A Sketched in our hearts for us. I was born here and I had always hoped that I'd die here.
Emily's right, we had great times, selling overpriced watered down beer for bored socialites and their children. Not to mention the stage is the one place where you can dress up in a bear suit and breakdance and no one would frown down upon you no matter how wigger you are.
Yay! I caught one just as it was happening!
James: Who could forget about Sarah Bernhardt and her chameleonic talents
Emily: I did!
James: And Blackwell, the self-proclaimed greatest magician of this or any time or dimension.
Emily: I had asked him to help make my lovehandles disappear and he said it was beyond even his great talents.
James: Oh and there was Lillian Russel. She had a nice hat.
Emily: No she didn't. She was acting in that picture.
James: And then there was you my dear Emily. You were a tragedian of superb talents.
Peter: (WHAT'S A TRAGEDIAN)
OH! And you James! James Boothe! Your performance as the terrifying Dr. Jekyll and the serene Mr. Hyde! You slayed the President with that performance!
Glad to have you aboard.
Hmmmmm Spider sense.... tingling. Warning me that I'll die of boredom if I stay here and listen to THESE OLD FARTS' LIFE STORY ANY LONGER
rawr ooga booga! Hey! You! Facepalming Bruce Banner! You gonna drink that?
Emily: EIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
James: The poster! It's... ... it's not supposed to do that!
OOoOOOOOOOOOOO
James: The animation cell! It's growing larger by the second! It'll destroy us all!
Jameson: Parker! What's all this about a ghost at the Castle Theater?!
Well you see Mr. Jameson when someone dies and they leave unfinished business or die in an horrific way sometimes they'll sometimes create a...
DON'T INTERRUPT. IT'S ALL NONSENSE! The Daily Bugle has a firm editorial stance against ghosts and against that old eyesore theater home for dustmites and termites.
Peter! I think ghosts are fun! Especially the oriental tv ghosts! Their hair is always so pretty!
And I saw the ghost too! I was going to take a picture of it but I had left my Camera Obscura in my other coat pocket!
> spider-sense warning peter of imminent boredom
More writers should use that one
Jameson: PAY ATTENTION TO ME. TO ME. TO ME. THAT'S WHAT I KEEP YOU IDIOT CHILDREN AROUND HERE FOR. YOU ARE NOT TO BELIEVE IN GHOSTS AND THAT'S AN ORDER.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THAT THEATER AND HOW IT IS GOING DOWN. I DON'T CARE HOW MANY SO-CALLED GHOSTS WE HAVE TO DISPLACE OR REKILL IN THE PROCESS.
And you can quote me on that!
ALRIGHT MEN we've stood around looking sassy long enough. It's time to destroy us a legitimate theater!
Wrecking ball! You start first!
Hai! I'll make you proud, taishou-sama!
...
Odd. We were trying to destroy the building not give it static electricity.
HEY JOE! I'M SELLING HOMEOWNER'S INSURANCE. TRIPLE H THAT BUILDING AND WE'LL HAVE A TALK.
I AM MIGHTY THOR! FOUL BUILDING! I SHALL SMITE THEE
With my magical feather duster?
JOE I SWEAR TO GOD WE TALKED JUST LAST WEEK ABOUT YOU BRINGING YOUR SEX TOYS TO WORK. WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SHARING YOUR FETISHES?
This is probably overkill but the faster we take this place down the faster we can break fo' lunch!
C-C-C-CANDY CANE! I'M DIABETIC! I SHOULDN'T HAVE THIS
Bunch of pansy ass whiners trying to destroy a buildin' from the outside! Real men destroy the support beams right next to em!
It turned into an umbrella! And me without a drink to put it in! WITHOUT A DRINK TO PUT IT IN
I coudln't remember if you showed up on Fridays or Saturdays lol
I'M PHASING MYSELF OUT OF EXISTENCE RIGHT THIS SECOND
WOOOOOOP
Hey boss! I forgot! I need to go watch Samurai Jack!
Boss! I forgot! My water just broke!
Hey! Guys! Come on! If we're going to be cowards about this we gotta coordinate it! Guuuuuuuys! Wait for meeeeeeeee. THIS SHIT IS SO HAUNTED.
WAIT hold on. Ghosts? You say it was GHOSTS? Have you SEEN a paranormal ghost show? Listen, most "ghost footage" is nothing more than horrendous and unprofessional shaky-cam coupled with vague shots of shadows or fast-moving extras, and any crappy footage they get is usually hours of NOTHING HAPPENING edited down to 20 minutes with spooky music and stock spooky sound effects overlaid over it! You get people to sit on camera and act scared for five minutes, then you hand 'em $10 to be on their way and you call it a show!
And you still believe in ghosts with that drivel out there?
Jameson: I don't care how you do it, but you are going to tear down that building! FOR THE LAST TIME SPOOKS DO NOT GO TO THEATERS. THEY CAN'T AFFORD THE TICKETS AND PREFER LOW CULTURE ENTERTAINMENT
Peter: Heyoooo
You listen here, Parker, that theater is going down and there isn't a ghost around that can stop me! I'll kick their phantom asses so hard that they'll feel it in the next life!
Oh man, JJ's going to get his shit kicked in by ghosts and I would stand up any amount of supermodels to see it!
Hey! Ghosts! I'm here! I heard you all died like bitches and all of your living relatives are laughing at you. Now show me where you died so I know where to take a piss!
No reaction and I must have beat JJ here. Hmmm Blackwell... a magician a magician would make everyone think the place is haunted with magic to fool everyone to be so scared that they wouldn't tear down a building! Such a simply convoluted plan!
No sense waiting out here.
Here I am! The front door got torn off by someone with super strength... Thanos yeah it was Thanos.
Spider sense tingling again... cut it be the sting of tragedy? Or the stage bringing back painful memories of failed spider broadway careers.
Spider-man! I was hoping for Jameson but this show'll work too! If he knew only what was in store for him.
>and much later than normal
It works out perfectly for me, though. Had to work late. Thanks for this as always.
The show is about to begin!
Least it works out for someone. I've been on the road all day.
HEY. THERE'S PEOPLE TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK AND WALLS. SAY IT. SAY IT TO MY FACE. I CAN TAKE IT.
HERE I AM ON STAGE, PEANUT GALLERY. look ma, I made it and oh god it's horrifying
...
I uh I uh I uh forgot the next line and my fly is down idn't it?
What the hell kind of name is "Turn Off The Dark" anyway
Bravo! Bravo! Spider-man you made it to the stage! Everyone give a round of applause for our star victim, Spider-man!
glad to see JJ approaching this professionally.
Why thank you WAIT A SECOND WHAT DID YOU SAY
Hey! Blackwell! I guessed it might be you behind all this! Come quietly and we'll find some handcuffs that even you can't escape from!
Oh Spider-man, you wound me. You underestimate my talents! I am Blackwell! I didn't get a runner up participation award in the Sorcerer Supreme Succession contest for nothing!
WELL? Are you going to put on a show here or what?
Oh I'll put on a show alright. A show you'll never forget. Who else has my level of genius?
I dunno, the average American citizen?
Blackwell: To start things off. Hey. Watch this. Imma make a bird.
BAM! A dove of peace!
Spider-man: Help! The dove of peace is attacking!
This whole episode is for the birds!
What's that Spider-man? You want more bird? Can do, amigo! Let's supersize that lil guy.
CAWWWWWWWWWW
OHGODOHGOD
glad that's overNO NOT AGAIN. AND WITHOUT A WIRE HANGER TO FIGHT BACK
The Vulture and Mysterio combined couldn't pull this off! Now they know their place on the pecking order!
Blackwell? You call this real magic? Penn and Teller do this stuff all the time?
Hawkwaaard
Blackwell: That was just the opening act!
Emily: He escaped that one!
James: Ah! But you know the rules of trolling! Never go with your A game right off the bat!
James: Watch this! My favorite picture is coming up! You know the one! That picture!
Spider sense is tingling. Some shit talker is attacking the 4th wall.
Hold everything! The Spider Sense! They're not aiming for me! They're aiming for the Spider on my chest!
Whew. Well SOMEONE is going to have to clean up this ... I hope that's sand.
OH NO YOU DIDN'T
I KNOW YOU'RE UP THERE BLACKWELL. YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR AIM AND NOT KEEPING YOUR WORKPLACE UP TO CODE ISN'T MAGIC
I'm gonna getcha and see how you liked being dropped from a walkway
James: He's taking the bait!
Emily: It was remarkably low quality and it didn't matter one iota! Shhhh let's see what happens.
I know you're here somewhere Blackwell. Come on out!
Spider-man, sweetie, I work in theater. I came out decades ago!
That's not what I meant. THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT AT ALL
HEY. WHO PUT THAT SPIDER-MAN SHAPED HOLE IN THE FLOOR
He's going to be behind me isn't he? Everyone stares at the butt. They can't help it.
And now! For my next trick! I'm going to need you to stand right there if you'd be so kind.
the dove of peace has turned into the swan of spidercide
My Guilty Gear main is Venom and it's about time it's gotten me some real life application
And mine is Axl! FUCK!
These aren't pool balls they're cannon balls! Unfortunately that means everything that occurs is cannon!
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE NOWADAYS, WHY DOES EVERYTHING NEED TO BE DIRTY"
What's the matter Spider-man? They're only cannon balls.