It's Saturday and that means it's time for a Spider-man Storytime. Tonight's episode features Doctor Curtis Connors looking and acting out of character and by that I mean he doesn't turn into a Lizard Man and he's not really doing any kind of real science and he's hanging around in Florida. Also there's an Australian Hunter lurking about doing what Kraven would do and honestly wouldn't Kraven be better if he was a drunk Australian stereotype?
Anyways onto the show.
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Thanks you. These are always a highlight of my wekend.
Thank you very much
>MEANWHILE IN FLORIDA
This is it! The greatest discovery of all mankind! It's amazing, stupendous, never seen before! Water! And I Doctor Conners have found it! Never again will I be typecast with lizard research of neogenics or alien symbiotes!
With a few final tests and if my calculations are correct I'll be able to determine that my theory is right! That this is the fountain!
...
I'm sorry, were you thirsty? I promise, I don't backwash, I swear!
Hola! Mi Llamo Juan Ponce de León.
¿Quire compario usted?
DR. Connors is so OoC he has all is limbs. What BS is this!
Jameson: Well PARKER! You drive a hard bargain. You get paid this week. It's more money than you're worth.
Peter: Mister Jameson, why are there kissy marks on the front of the check?
Jameson: Because I'm kissing my money goodbye! Take it and go spend it on whatever you teenagers are blowing your money on these days. What is it now? Kendamas, Marbles? Pogs? 401ks?
Jameson: You all think money grows on trees! Back in my day we knew how to make a greenback last!
Betty: There's a bulletin coming in Mr. Jameson
Is that the sound of news coming in? I could scarcely hear it over the sound of you globbing on your makeup on MY time. Well?! WHAT IS IT?
It says that the famous scientist known for his accomplishments in the field of science named Doctor Curtis Connors has gone missing today in Florida as reported by his wife.
Should I tell Betty that she has gigantic walrus hands? No, she probably knows.
Oh! Did you say Doctor Connors! Oh no! Misfortune follows that man everywhere!
Hrmph. Those scientists think they're so smart, you put on a white coat and discover a new type of dirt and suddenly you think you're smarter than everyone. I bet the guy forgot to come home.
Poor Doc can't catch a break. Maybe one day an adaptation of him will get a happy ending.
Jameson: PARKER! Where are you going?
Peter: I just remembered! I need to go now and see a sick friend!
I didn't know he had any friends.
Martha Connors: It's terrible! My husband found something in the swamp and wouldn't tell me until he did more tests and then he disappeared! He's been keeping so many secrets from me lately. I thought he had an amputated arm, but he has two arms! What kind of man doesn't tell his wife that he has two arms?!
Spider-man: I can't help but notice the picture of your husband on the table. Is he dead?
Martha Connors: No, I'm just prepared for him to drop dead at any moment. This is Florida after all.
Spider-man: While I'm on the couch I'll say that yes, I would like to earn 1,000 to 5,000 dollars a day. What do I need to do, Billy?
Billy: Will you be my new daddy?
Spider-man: I'd kill myself before I let that happen.
Then you'll find my daddy won't you! You won't give up until you find him because you're the greatest! Aren't you? Aren't you, Spider-man? Right?
Thanks for putting me on the spot like that. I was hoping to catch a one night stand with your mom on the rebound. Now I HAVE to go look.
Meanwhile, Dedede creeps in and listens to what they're saying, then realizes he's spying on the wrong convo, and promptly GTFOs. Nobody noticies his presence, nor his departure.
Spider-man: I'll check the lab for clues but the chances of finding him aren't good. Seeing as we're in Florida there's a good chance he's already gotten shitfaced and blown his own head off or left you to fuck his cousin or murdered by hillbillies. But I'll keep looking.
>Meanwhile at the lab
Cliventon: Crikey! what is this liquid. It seems like it's consumable but it's no coldie or cab save or plonk. It's clear and it doesn't smell like anything! And I need to hit the turps!
UGH! It's WATER! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DRINK THIS? IT'S NO TURPS AT ALL!
What kind of bloke doesn't keep beer around his own lab. That Dill's getting a talking to. The million dollarydoo secret he's got must not be here at all but in his little head!
Well I'll force him to give me the formula! He's not dealt with anyone as shonky as me let me tell you!
Yeah! That's what I'll do! An aussie's gotta earn his quid the only way he knows how!
And he left all these blank pieces of paper all laying about just to fuck with me!
You'd better be folding origami in here, Cliventon
SPOIDAHMAN?! Take this!
I'm not thirsty, but thanks for being such a great host!
Crikey! Broken glass! That's a low blow!
And I'm happily obliged to stoop even lower!
Billy: Spidey! Look out! That's a boomerang! It'll fly past and then come back and hit you!
*BONK*
Waaait... is this the guy with the offensive black side-kick?
Billy: Are you ok?!
Spider-man: GEE THANKS BILLY. WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU? Now where did he go?
That awful man? He ran away muttering something about shrimp barbies but he doesn't seem like he plays with dolls. He also smelled like grandma. Who was he?
Spider-man: Billy, let me tell you about a place. A magical, smelly, terrible place called Australia full of ugly creatures and even uglier people. People who subsist on dreams and vegemite. And he's after your dad.
That's terrible! You'll need some help. Let me go with you and be your side-kick. Pleaaaaaaaaaaaase.
Spider-man: No Billy. There's a saying. It's better to web swing hopefully than to arrive.
Billy: Wow! Did you make that up?
Spider-man: Yes.
Billy: I don't get it!
Spider-man: Billy, there's a reason for that and that reason is that you're stupid.
Spider-man: it's too dangerous for you. Stay here. Do not leave.
I've been swinging for hours with no sign of Connors or Cliventon... OH Spider-sense tells me there's some money on the ground and there's something odd about it
It's... soooooo SHINY. Can't.... resist
Spidey Sense isn't just good for precognition. It also tells me that this is a Spanish Doubloon made in the early late 15th or early 16th Century weighing in at around 6.86 grams. Odd that it's perfectly round when all Doubloons were hand-crafted . What's it doing all the way out here?
Someone is out there listening to me geek out about money. Someone with too much time on their hands watching my every move, judging me, ready to make a snarky comment should the moment arise.
AHA!
Billy: Hey! It's me Spider-man!
Spider-man: What part of staying put did you not understand?!
Billy: I just wanted to help you find me dad! Did you find him yet?
Spider-man: Yeah, I found him and then decided to swing around in 200% humidity for hours for the thrill of it.
That's a nice looking arrow. Excellent craftsmanship.
And there's many more where that came from Spoidah-man! I know you're in the swamp somewhere and a true hunter knows how to flush his prey out easy as piss!
Spider-man: He's too lazy to give chase! Behind the shield! It's our only chance!
Scoot Billy! Scoot for your life!
We're sinking!
Quick! Billy! Think lighter thoughts!
Spider-man: Quicksand! We're stuck!
You seem to have be stuck up to your strides! No point using more arrows on you, old boy, I'll leave you and your little nipper to meet your untimely demise while I find that Doctah Connors and his million dollarydoo secret!
Cliventon: Any last requests?
Spider-man: What happened to that Black guy from last time?
Cliventon: That knocker? He got a nobel prize and suddenly he's too good for his ol' bud Cliventon. Last I 'erd he was grinning like a shot fox living it up in Wales.
Spider-man: Good for him!
Cliventon: And this is where we part ways and say Hooroo.
Thought he'd never leave.
Spider-man: What luck! A Florida rubber tree plant! Ants can't climb them but spiders can!
Spider-man: We're home free. You can let go now.
Billy: Awwwww
Billy: Do you know where my dad is?
Spider-man: Kid, look. I'm standing here in piss water and making a web boat. I know as much about your father's whereabouts as I know what I'm doing and I don't know what I'm doing.
Billy: We're going on a boat ride!?
Spider-man: The only place we haven't looked is the old Spanish fort so that's where we're going to check next.
Ok Billy! Climb aboard!
Spider-man: I hope we get there soon. I had enough webbing to make a web boat and a web internal combustion engine, but not enough to make a lot of web unleaded gasoline.
Spider-man! Look! Gators!
Sup
And something even worse than gators. Cliventon.
I don't know how you escaped the quicksand Spoidah-man but a good hunter always gets the kill!
FUCK
Cliventon: You've had it! I'll let these allygators finish ya off and then come back and make suitcases out of em!
Spider-man: They're just sitting in the water doing nothing. Gators aren't so scary when you realize that they spend most of the day sitting around.
Good. The gators must have finished that Spoidah by now Nyaheeehuaaahaaaaaaa. Now onto Connor's trail and I think I jolly well know where he could be...
A bloke could get used to this place. Reminds me of home. The biteys are biting, everything's full of malaria and giardia, the chazzwazzers are croaking, and everything's trying to kill me! I should build me a summer home here once everything is said and done.
>Meanwhile at the fort
This is a nightmare! Me! a brilliant advanced scientist held hostage by some man cosplaying as a conquistador!
I'd love to pitch this hell I've found myself in as a movie. If only I had learned how to speak Mexican, I'd know what that Spanish Conquistador wants and talk my way out of this.
Ponce de León: ¿Tiene Hambre? Tengo Pollo. ¿Cómo te sientes?
Connors: What do you want from me?! Are you going to torture me you monster? What kind of sick game are you playing? Is that food poison?
Ponce de León: No, No es venenoso.
Doctor Connors: So it is poison! I knew it! Screw you!
Ponce de León: Buen tiempo
Connors: So that's how it is. You don't want me, you want me as bait to lure someone and shoot them with that cannon. You es el murderer and tu go-o to hell-o
...
He'll never let me leave alive now that I know his secrets.
Is that a boat?! Maybe there's someone cosplaying as Sir Francis Drake to come and save this scientist in distress and thrash that spaniard!
If my hunch is right I'll soon have that million dollarydoo secret and finally have enough Moolah to build a 2 story fort out of beer barrels!
Billy: Is that where my dad is? Is it? Is it?
Spider-man: The more you ask that question, the less I want to help you.
Connors: My knight in shining armor! Get me out of here! There's a madman criminal lurking about! Free me before he gets back!
Cliventon: ARE YOU DOCTAH CONNORS?
Connors: Yes! Thank God! You're an angel!
All in good time, Mate. First things first throw me down your million dollar secret!
Billy: Dad! It's me! Billy! Your son!
Spider-man: We're not the only ones here, either.
Billy! And Spider-man?! Thank you but there's already someone here to rescue me!
Rack off!
Spider-man: Look at him. Trying to shoot us from behind the castle walls. Billy, if you don't stay in school you may end up like that guy.
Stop fighting and get me out of here! He could come back any minute!
Spider-man: Billy! Use this on your head! If you can't breathe that's normal!
Billy: MMMMHMMMMMRPPPPPRRRRRFFFFF
This time I've got the drop on you!
Cliventon: I'll make you wish you'd have died before!
Spider-man: If your sword doesn't get me your breath and BO just might.
Rah! Rah! Spider-man! I he can't do it no one can... and then I'll cry.