Kinoplex Stories

>be at local kinopolis
>grab my junior mints, large popcorn and diet coke at the concession counter
>walking to theater 9
>stop
>hear some commotion coming from inside theater 5
>sounds like laughter
>like really loud, sustained, raucous laughter
>put ear close to door
>"THIS MF NIGGA BE EATIN' BEANS!"
>apparently some fucking rube tried to bring in a can of beans from home and the undercover movie cop busted him
>since I was within earshot when it happened, I had to go into the theater and participate in the obligatory piss-and-shit shame dumping
>remembered to bring my bucket thankfully
>fucking idiot made me 10 minutes late to Jumanji

Buy a Premium BeanPass™ if you're gonna try to bring fucking beans into the movie theater, dumbasses.

Other urls found in this thread:

vocaroo.com/i/s1pzhNVk5iWM
soundcloud.com/lazerbird-98477393/afternoon-at-the-kinoplex
twitter.com/SFWRedditImages

i was flustered by the attractive concession girl once and asked for large cockporn

>watching the last jedi in the back of the theater
>scene where leia is unconscious in space
>stand up in front of the projector and dab
>everyone groans
>a few minutes later the bitch manager says i need to leave

>implying i cant tuck a can of bean in my fat rolls after the pre-show cinema shower
kys normie

Holy keksicles i love these xD

When I did it everybody in the classroom stood up and clapped

>had a crush on a girl called emma
>decided to invite emma to the cinema
>instead asked cimma if she wanted to go to the enema

>movie theater ran out spoons and I had to eat my popcorn with a fork
>all the sauce just drips through to the bottom of the bag
The fuck?

>have tourettes
>try to avoid going to the theater when it's busy
>go to black panther in the morning
>small town, don't expect a crowd
>theater gradually fills up
>surrounded on all sides
>slouch down in my seat and blurt "fuck" and "nigger" intermittently
>father in front of me says i'm close to getting my lips mangled
>leave halfway through the film
>make pour the rest of my drink on the seat

>give shoes to malco shoe goblin™
>return to find shoes soaking wet
>manger refuses to pay for dry cleaning

anyone else have this experience?

>give a dollar to a homeless guy, he smiles and reveals himself to be the Kinoman in disguise
>leads me down a secret alley to the Patrician's Club, where they're serving fine white wine and screening a flawlessly restored 35mm print of FW Murnau's unheard-of secret lost film
>return to the alley the next day
>there's no club there, just an empty lot
>the homeless Kinoman is nowhere to be found

Holy shit is this a carry over from last nights thread or has this meme been around for awhile?

Either way I like it.

Underrated post

>I called in sick from work this morning, and spent the whole day searching the city for the Kinoman.
>I chase down every homeless man I see to give them a dollar, but when I ask "Can you show me the way to The Patrician's Club?" they tell me nothing
>I guess a dollar isn't enough, this time. After lunch, I hit the ATM
>I'm handing out five-dollar bills to the bums now, tens, twenties. Nothing.
>Maybe the Kinoman doesn't look like a homeless guy today. I need to be more creative.
>I can't miss a chance to perform a random act of kindness for a stranger. The Kinoman could be hiding in any one of them
>I'm darting ahead of women to hold doors open for them. I warn a businessman he's about to step in dog shit. A woman's grocery bag tears open and spills all over the sidewalk, and I help her pick up all the food.
>All afternoon long I'm a good Samaritan, but NOT ONE of them offers to take me to a secret place where the white wine flows and the rarest kinos play out on the silver screen
>I'm helping the old lady carry her bags up the stairs and when she thanks me and unlocks her door I'm on the verge of tears. It's been a long day and I just can't take it anymore
>"What do I have to do?" I'm sobbing "Please just tell me what I have to do! I promised I'd be back for the Griffith screening, it can't just be a one-time thing! Why would you show me such a wonderful place if I can never go back there?!? Why are you doing this??"
>She's screeching and threatening to call the cops as she locks the door behind her, and I lay my head against her door and just let it all out, sobbing uncontrollably like I haven't done since I was a child
>I stop off at the theater on my way home and see "Phantom Thread" alone and it's shit, it's just shit, this theater is shit, their snacks are shit, it's all wrong now, I've had a glimpse of The Patrician's Club and I'll never be able to enjoy this again
I know I'll get back there someday...

He had to move to the next cinema, user. The Kinoman has to spread patrician cheer everywhere.

Heh

its been around a while

This is well written

>go to KïñöPłëx
>see this
What do?

>getting scared of Tarrobert

First Clone Night huh?

R-Robert?

>speeding through traffic to get to movie
>keep looking at the time
>im gonna be late only got 5 minutes til the kino starts
>oh shit finally get to the theatre and theres a spot close by the entrance
>awkwardly speedwalk to theatre making sure not to go too fast, I cant afford to let these complete strangers think im late for my movie night
>fucking A no line ups, dart towards a machine so I dont have to interact with another human
>got my ticket, lets fucking do this
>theres only like 2 people waiting to get seated in front of me, got an aquafina bottle of vodka and my can of beans hidden, and the movie trailers are starting, I can hear them
>got my ticket checked, happily walking down the hall towards the theatre stuffing that piece of paper into my pocket
>reach into coat pocket, oh shit, I forgot my fucking dowsing rod at home
>start nervously sweating, my hands get shaky, im looking in all my pockets, nothing, no rod
>Guys, I wont be able to find my seat, im dieing of sheer terror
>I peak into the theatre, its just a black abyss. Ill literally never find my seat.
>pretend to go to the concession stand but the people there already figured me out. Tried to escape but they caught me.

>Robert!! You buggin'! You crazy for this one, maaaan, fuckin savage AF Lemme take a picture man boys gotta see this

>during intermission a theater official announces the results of the babylon lottery
>so far everyone gets something like an extra piece of popcorn in their bag
>gets to me
>user WILL BRAP LOUDLY DURING A TENSE SCENE
>not again

>Show up late and all the toilet seats at the kinoplex are taken
>Go up to a fat girl in a toilet seat and offer my package of peanut m&ms in exchange for the seat
>"ok but if I gotta shit in the middle of the movie you gotta get me my seat back"
>I accept but 5 minutes in she waddles back saying she needs to shit
>We start arguing and I get up and start cussing her out
>Actors on screen start telling us to shut up and the projector guy shines a spotlight on us
>Suddenly everyone in the theater gasps and I realize my circumsized one incher is on display
>Completely forgot I bypassed penis inspection by with a fake big dick precheck pass I bought online
>Dragged out of the theater by attendants and sentenced to 2 years in the popcorn mines
>mfw

>at the Kinoplex
>watching Independence Day
>President Whitmore's Independence Day speech starts
>I stand up and start clapping very loudly and chanting "MURRICA MURRICA MURRICA!"
>entire theater roars in applause and showers me with congratulatory hamburgers for my spontaneous show of patriotism

>last night the Kinoman spoke to me in a dream
>He told me I've been looking for him in the wrong places.
>He reminded me that kinos aren't always about heroes doing nice things for needy people
>Kino can be dark sometimes too, very dark
>He promised me that the Patrician's Club is screening a 140-minute director's cut of J. Gordon Edwards's "Cleopatra" this Friday, with complimentary fresh strawberries and chilled cucumber water served at intermission
>Before he could tell me the way, I woke up
I know that I need to find my own way there, boys, I just don't know what the fuck He wants me to do...

could've used a shooting/gun reference

Poast more kinoman adventures

Well done. My sides are in orbit.

>run into a normie Chad who bullied me in film club
>"Hey, user, what are you up to?"
>"Oh, I was going to check out some kino."
>"Kino? Let's go, bro."
>"Nonsense, you are obviously on your way to a party. It's okay, I'll watch it with Robert."
>"Robert? He can't tell kino from a flick! No more argument, we will go at once!"
>"Come, with me, then, to the cellar under my house. I screen all my kino there."
>we travel to my house
>brushing away cobwebs, we descend the stairs
>onward, to the deepest corner of the catacomb I lead him
>we pass by a pile of crab legs shells
>"I see this cellar has been in use for quite a while, user."
>"yes, but enough chat. Onto the kino!"
>I point him to a recess in the wall, just a few feet deep
>"The kino? In there?"
>"Yes."
>Chad takes a few steps in
>"Truly, I see no kino --"
>With deftness I wrap chains around him and attach a padlock
>I brush aside the crab legs shells to reveal tools for bricklaying
>I begin laying bricks to close the recess
>Chad chimes "the kino!"
>"Yes, the kino"
>I continue laying bricks
>Halfway through
>"Hahahaha OMG user! Good joke! It's just a prank, bro, right?!"
>"Yes, indeed."
>I continue laying bricks
>Only one brick left before Chad is sealed away
>"For the love of Snyder, user!"
>Yes, for the love of Snyder!"
>I lay the final brick
Fucking normies.

>popcorn light turns red
>tfw cant stop eating

>Robert? He can't tell kino from a flick!
He deserved it.

>at kinoplex
>in the middle of hot sex scene with MC and female lead
>stand up and gesture at the screen
>"I'll have what HE'S having!"
>several people in the audience groan loudly, hear a girl say "oh my god, really?"
>some fat nu-male tells me to shut up and sit down
>say "What the fuck man, I'm trying my best up here. I've never done this before."
>make a few more quips that fall flat
>people getting really angry now, yelling at me to shut the fuck up and sit down
>black dude sitting two seats to my left looks at me with a deadpan expression and says "man, just sit down dog"
>start sweating and apologizing
>overhear qt black girl a few rows up say "girl that white boy wack"
>say sorry one last time and sit back down in my seat
>someone stole my junior mints
>some guy behind me says "man what a fucking retard"
>hear gun cocking noise from outside theater
>"jesus christ, finally"

vocaroo.com/i/s1pzhNVk5iWM

soundcloud.com/lazerbird-98477393/afternoon-at-the-kinoplex

>Go to movie
>Sit down
>Watch movie
>Credits roll
>It was just okay

Shit experience.

reddit

>watching Daddy's Home 2
>forget to disable the eject button on the side of my seat via finger print before the film starts
>put my soda down after I take a sip
>drop soda on the eject button
>my seat flings me straight into the air
>bonk my head on the ceiling and get a concussion
>land across the room in the monkey pit
>baboons start screeching at me for disrupting their viewing
>everyone gets out of their seat and tips my eject button
>go home and rate the film 3.0 on letterboxd

if your story doesn't end with
>black guy sucks the back of his teeth and says you're alright white boy
>hear black girl say "he cute"

you're doing it wrong

That's just some flavor of the week shit. You can't restrict kinoplex posting.

What is this even?

Robert wasn't expecting you, and you've caught him in his true form. Be tactful, he gets pretty embarrassed about this

>can of beans
That was actually pretty funny, OP. Well done. Well done. But Junior Mints? Really? Are you a girl who thinks because candy is mint flavored, the calories don't count?

>Finally emerge from my 10 year government sanctioned stint in the popcorn mines
>The others men in my group, we had learned to become brothers and even closer some nights.
>Piercing rays of light filled our eyes, the first we had seen since our mothers said their goodbyes a decade yonder
>I look to my sides, us young men who had allowed the fortunate few to enjoy Premium Cinema Popcorn™, a duty admired and looked upon with envy
>As we march to the main lobby I sense that something is wrong with the fore coming popcorn ceremony
>Suddenly a piercing sirenl fills our ears
>start to see white while I feel red sticky wetness drip on the sides of my sideburns
>Our stumble ends when the noise turns into a voice
>The shock hits me that this will be the first new voice in 10 years I will hear
>I Brace not just the body but my soul
>"WHOOOOA, dem wite bois think they leavin smeeeffff"
>Shock envelops me
>I look to the men beside me, their eyes darkened and all knowing
>I force my head upwards, but I already know what I will see
>Searing pain fills my eyes, acidic rain grasping my cheeks
>A poster for Black pather

Cont.

Speaking of eject buttons listen to the epic prank I did at the kinopolis

>Book seat 40E way beforehand where the DVD port is for Black Panther
>Once I come in I eject the black panther DVD and put in my special DVD
>The movie starts playing and it's just BLACKED porn
>Everyone starts losing it and cheering my name
>Black girls behind me go "damn I wouldn't mind if that whiteboi was my Massa"

>A wise shaman by the name of Robert, he who had been bred and lived in the mines his entire life
>We had gathered around many cold nights to hear the stories and musings of this wise man
>One night he told us that he'd be frank with us
>Rumors that that the world had changed, a great darkness grasping hold
>His last words had always kept us awake in our beds, talking in frightened whispers for hours
>"You cannot outrun progress"
>The grating sounds of metal made me wake to the present
>Large panels opened around us
>At first I mistake the noise for a zoo exhibit, perhaps the howling monkey enclosure
>As i looked closer the wall of black had taken human form, the lifeless mass grew louder, the shrieks more deafening
>"Dem bois are our last whiteys on record"
>The crowd grew quiet
>"and dey gonna be da entertainment"
>The yells which echoed around made me yearn for the piercing noise to return
>A chain gate opened ahead of us
>Deez bois will be fightin the cast of BLACKED(BLACKED).com
>In the blink of an eye, the men I had spent the last decade with were penetrated, defiled, and torn to pieces
>After the brutal show showers of grape soda and half eaten kfc drumsticks rained on us
>The other survivors and I were led to a damp and cold room
>We had been been to similar adcomendations below, what we hadn't been used was the sound of growling coming from our stomachs
>It had been agreed that the shortest man would be sacrificed for the survival of the rest
>after the meal the taste of shame was quickly washed away by licking the dried soda on our skin
>Exhausted, sleep took its gentle hold on us
>I dreamed of the warm smell of butter and Roberts tales that night, a yearning to be back below
>An explosion woke the men and I
>A small group of figures draped in black and white robes and large panda masks stood ahead
>"Come with us if you want to live"
>If I knew what would happen at the time I would gripped the cracks of the cell until my knuckles ran red

I wish I was one of those people who like mint and chocolate. Shit is everywhere. But I’ve always hated it. It’s always been like biting into chocolate after brushing your teeth.

Jesus christ robert put your gloves on. Your boss has told me about this and you can still get your latex gloves when you're melting. There's no excuse man. I'm saying this because I appreciate you and I want to say this to you directly instead of just filling the complaint voice jar.

4 Devils.

>Oh shit I'm sorry Robert, didn't mean to catch you like this

>Once we had arrived at their facility, we were quickly tagged and separated into different rooms
>Confusion quickly swept me
>Days turned into weeks, weeks into months
>The only form of contact with the outside world was the snapping sound of the food door opening and closing
>We were fed 8 times a day and punished without mercy if not every morsel had not been licked clean off the plate
>After 8 months it was decided that I would 15 minutes of time in the outdoor enclosure
>The area was a small patch of grass, cardboard cutouts of popcorn lined the edges
>Many more months passed until I finally saw one of my brothers there
>I felt like a weight had been lifted
>I approached him slowly
>A smile had crept on the corners of my mouth
>I greeted him
>I was met with only the dead eyes of a broken man, one who had been forced to watch his own sanity slip
>That was the last time I saw somebody from the old days
>Years had passed and I only grew larger and more dull
>The only company I had was a nickle I had found in the field one day
>Tracing the details on the finally made piece of metal seemed to make the longer stretches of boredom go by faster
>One morning I was awoken by low hissing sound of gas entering my room
>what followed is a hazed memory of straps being sewn onto my wrists and ankles
>I awoke strewn out on a large table, searing pain running through my limbs
>The door in front of me opened a crack, a quiet murmur was heard
>My vision was unfortunately obscured due to the increased girth of my gut
>What was said next will forever be etched into my memory and haunt my soul
>A lawless voice spoke
>"mmm he look good for a wite boi
>A gentle pressure rested on my hips
>On that day I knew why we were brought here, on that day I stopped living
>I realized that we were nothing more the shells of men long past their due
>The cracked shell of a popcorn kernel

FIN

Nice

lynchian

>and even closer some nights

good

kek

My falcon hasn't returned, fellas. I think I'm done for.

You have a malco? Where are you from? I'm a manager at malco

>Singles and Manlets day at the kinoplex for a screening of GotG
>penis inspections = waived.
>take bus to the 'plex
>$75 for early bird showing, buy ticket; was a bit stingy on tipping the bus driver, have the $15 for butter dipping sauce cup
>get inside, strip down for cavity search and Homeland Security interrogation, kinda fuck up on Racial Tolerance and Inclusion questionnaire but guy lets it slide once I correct a few answers
>get to ticket ripper, he gives me a puzzled look
>"Sir, is your partner outside?"
>"N-no... Today is Singles and Manlets day, r-remember?"
>"Sir, I don't like your tone. The rules are you can either be a manlet or a single, not both, and you are clearly 5'11. Produce your partner or I'm going to need to pull you aside."
>detained in a joint effort by kinoplex police chief and DHS inspector on duty
>hold me down, beat me, unzip my pants, everyone in the lobby is laughing at me and my little penis
>left with a couple bruises, only bleeding is from my split lip, sheepishly thank them for going light on my beating
>DHS officer takes me to the east wing armory
>Ticket ripper flashes me a warm grin and a wave: "Enjoy your movie, sir!"
>"Thanks, y-you too!"; voice cracked as I responded, I don't know if he even heard me thank him so now I'm worried/embarrassed about that - much pacing around the room will be had in the future as I think back to that one
>arrive in armory, turned over to the Services and Munitions Warden
>"Son, put these on." I'm outfitted with a bright pink CLEANUP CREW! shirt, shorts, horse blinders, and what look to be shooting earmuffs
>the warden's primary understudy walks me to the designated Singles and Manlets Day theatre
>I am assigned to clean the interracial breeding section throughout the entire film
>can't hear movie, only catch brief glimpses of screen while turning at the ends of the aisle
>spend entire time cleaning African American manlet peckers and cum

Still stoked that they introduced early bird pricing.