Which story from the Bible would make for a kino movie?

Which story from the Bible would make for a kino movie?

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book of job

the one where user learns right from wrong

David and Goliath.

is that the one with the rapey queers and the daughters?

revelations

Also how has there never been an adaption of Paradise Lost?

Jonah

We have the technology to pull it off but there's 0% interest in religious film these days

A lot of them
They'd never depict angels properly though cause that wouldn't be kosher
Angels should look like eldritch abominations

Paradise Lost is a fucking epic poem.

Job would be a fucking incredible movie if done well.

no, that's lot. Job is the rich guy who loses his family and possession by satan to test his faith

Anything from the Old Testament is metal as hell.

I don't know if you could sell a story about a man holding onto his faith, dignity and gratitude despite the worst conditions to modern audiences.

Samson and Delilah could be the next biblical epic if done right.

They should do the book of Revelations gainax styles

hercules

Jericho would make a good war movie for the epic battle hard on Hollywood had about 4 years ago.
I think you could almost do something similar with Jonah.
Where throughout the movie you constantly see the doom God has planned for the Assyrians. Kinda like you always see the bits about the other person in John Q.
Then near the end when everyone is repenting the other ...let's say army that was coming to raze the kingdom. Just kinda veers in a different direction and bypasses them and Jonah... (played by Seth Rogan naturally) is all
>What the fuck? This is bullshit!

And that's why I don't but should work in Hollywood.

I once heard a based Rabbi breakdown the Book of Job a bit. I'm not sure I ever read it through myself, certainly don't remember it all, but apparently there's a potential story structure with an apotheosis/climax.
youtube.com/watch?v=e9LB47o4Q9M

A lot of pathos there.

It would be a fundamentally religious movie though.

The Absalom revolt against King David

Deuteronomy

Things I liked about this movie: Crowe, Hopkins, depictions of angels and the lore

Things I disliked about this movie: Crowe's children, Crowe's wife, Watson's acting, the piss poor structure

is mel gibson attached to the project?

> Literally just two hours of Moses standing by a river and giving a speech, then dying at the end

Oh wait...

Books of Exodus AND Numbers
The Books of Samuel

Ecclesiastes. A world weary King Solomon--wise and solemn--would be KINO.
but also Job, obviously

Nah that's the story of Lot in Sodom and Gamorah.

Whatever story they do I want them to do an after credits scene with one of the prophets who I can't remember his name. A bunch of kids, 42 to be exact, come out of the city and start throwing stones at him and calling him old and bald so he summons two bears that rip these kids to shreds, fucking metal.

Tower of Babel or The Good Samaritan, maybe Daniel and the Lions den?

jewish fairytales are played out

Cain and Abel

Elisha or Elijah. One of them.

Eliseus.

4th Book of Kings 2:23

I like when Elias before him calls fire down from the heavens to rain down upon Ochozias' battalions.

Is that when he's challenged to make his damp pile of firewood light by the power of God and then God burns all the heretics?

Jonah get iPad
The Leftovers already did this

10/10 choice.
>O Absalom, Absalom! Would to god that I had died instead of thee!

>man those fucking liberals dont appreciate true christian valiues
>brb posting futa lolis and how i want to lick the poop out of some female celeb's butt while gosling dicks me down

not everyone here's a sodomite like you, user

Apocalypse

Came to say this. Isn't there already a Samson in production? Anyway - Samson

>badass warrior of God
>loses everything cuz he put the pussy on a pedastle
>prays for one last moment of glory
>destroys temple and everyone in it including himself

Could be such kino.

That was earlier. Near the end of Elias' (I'm reading the Douay-Rheims translation so I know different names) life, he pisses off Ochozias who was then the king of Isreal, and he sent groups of men to go get him to answer for it, but Elias calls down fire from heaven that wipes out two groups of 50 men when they come for him.

Elijah is his common English name.

Came here to post this

There are so many great David stories that you never hear of for some reason. David's rebellion against Saul would be pretty Kino as well.

Damn, that's cool. I need to read the bible, I couldn't be assed to actually take it seriously when I was in school.

I do remember the Book of Deborah, something about her impaling an enemies head with the stake of a tent. That made an impression in 6th grade, suddenly the bible was cool.

this was my first thought

Book of Judges. ALL OF IT.

>In the narrative of the Hebrew Bible, it covers the time between the conquest described in the Book of Joshua and the establishment of a kingdom in the Books of Samuel, during which Biblical judges served as temporary leaders.[1] The stories follow a consistent pattern: the people are unfaithful to Yahweh and he therefore delivers them into the hands of their enemies; the people repent and entreat Yahweh for mercy, which he sends in the form of a leader or champion (a "judge"); the judge delivers the Israelites from oppression and they prosper, but soon they fall again into unfaithfulness and the cycle is repeated.

A Blacked™ version of Ezekiel 23:20:
>There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

The life of David as a bandit king leading his mighty men when in exile from Saul.

Judges chap 3 ver21 Ehud reached with his left hand and took out the sword that was tied to his right hip. Then he stabbed the sword deep into the king’s belly! 22 Even the handle sank in, and the blade came out his back. The king’s fat covered the whole sword, so Ehud left the sword in Eglon.

Give me more stories from the Bible to read, preferably with angels cause they're terrifying to me

Old testament is pure metal

I always thought David would make for a good escapist cable series on a premium network like HBO. Even more so if they were faithful to the text

"Hey, we saw some new dudes come into town. Let them out here so we can FUCKING RAPE THEM!!"

"No, don't do that. These men are my guests. Here, fuck my virgin daughters instead. You can have them, just don't rape my male guests."

"Fuck that! Let us in that house so we can ass rape your male guests. To hell with those virgin daughters of yours"

Try to break down door.

God disgusted with this shit.

Got destroys Sodom and Gomorrah from the face of the earth.

"Damnit Sarah, don't turn around and look at that. God told you to leave behind your whorish lifestyle."

"Well maybe one look." Sarah thinks.

Sarah turns into salt.

The end.

Wasn't it alluded to in the story that the mob knew they were angels or at least angelic?

Honestly, God was right to fuck that gay Earth

The Tree of Life, sort of.

You really ARE jewish.

>depictions of angels
It made sense since Jews created golems.

It was not alluded to.

To the mob, they were just very pretty men.

To be fair Job and Sarah and their children are pieces of shit who deserved it.

Job left his kinfolk and Abraham to settle down in Sodom he wasn't some good guy all prim and proper to have done so

What's wrong with uprooting and moving somewhere else? He was still portrayed as pretty faithful to god, right?

Samson killing one thousand men with an ass's jawbone.

FPBP. I was going to suggest the Book of Job.

>Angels should look like eldritch abominations

pls explain

There's a reason angels cover their bodies with their multiple sets of wings and always enter the scene with the line: Be not afraid

Angels and God are Lovecraftian in nature

moar

Who are you quoting?

Angels as discussed in Jewish mythology are incomprehensible weird things like pic related.

>STILL no retelling of the part of the Bible where a crazy old guy literally uses necromancy to bring back hundreds of dead people because fuck you why the fuck not
Or any supernatural story in the Bible really. Instead all we get are more Jesus films, spoof of Jesus films, and one for the very beginning of the book. And of course no one's going to make a Bible or Bible inspired movie anymore because of the content and people being little pussies about everything.

Don't forget the book that wasn't put into the bible cause it was all about how awesome orgasms were and proof of a loving God

sacred-texts.com/bib/fbe/index.htm

Imagine being such a reddit transplant that you SEETHE about a seperate board on this site when an user accurately gave a summation of a bible boom
Go the fuck back to where you were in 2014: reddit

Angels as described in the bible are either four headed fire breathing chimera monsters or eyeball covered spinning fiery wheels. The closest you get to "person with wings" are the seraphim who have six wings which they use to cover their whole body (which is also on fire).

kino is when god kamehameha blasts Sodom and Gomorrah

An interesting idea is that god literally nuked the cities, and that's why they were told not to look back (otherwise they'd go blind and if they weren't far enough away like that cunt Sarah get fucking vaporized/melt into a puddle of skin/get severe radiation sickness).

I would watch a Life of Ahab and Jezebel featuring Psalm 45 and maybe how his army BTFO the Assyrians (even though technically the Bible deleted that part). I would watch the shit out of that.

Elisha who was the padawan of Elijah

Terrence Malick presents the Book of Job

Genesis 19:30

And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar; and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.
And the first-born said unto the younger: 'Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth.
Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.'
And they made their father drink wine that night. And the first-born went in, and lay with her father; and he knew not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
And it came to pass on the morrow, that the first-born said unto the younger: 'Behold, I lay yesternight with my father. Let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.'
And they made their father drink wine that night also. And the younger arose, and lay with him; and he knew not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.

I hope that one dude from /his/ who types in alp caps doesn't shit up this thread

came here to say this

I WAS GONNA SAY THAT ONE
Dude the cinematics throughout the destruction of his family and everything he owns would be magical! And the beats as he argues with his friends as to what's going on.

It's gonna pull on the heartstrings frenns

That would be pretty sick too! Oh man!

Book of Deborah? No you mean Judges.
But yeah, metal af

the bloody post modernist won't adapt it

War in heaven, and Promethean fall of Lucifer.

It's just mythological shitposting, Israelite way of telling that Moabites and Ammonites are spawns of incest, since those two kids are mythological founders of those nations/tribes.

There is a Samson movie with a limited release in theatres now, but it's a lower budget feature.

maybe a film that shows the bible happening in reverse from revelations to genesis.
god is trying to destroy the world every 7 days but it just keeps coming back

Im really suprised the book of rev. Hasnt been done it is an epic.

Utnapishtim and how he saved his tribe from drowning by constructing his giant ship, "The Preserver Of Life", when the Tigris and Euphrates rivers flooded out the plains.

The Sup Forumsook of Moot.

The one where some idiots sit down and write it. Excellent expose of the mental illness these people/this person clearly had, could be a fantastic movie.

...

You just know Hollywood would turn David and Goliath into a bloated and over the top action flick. They would probably get the rock to play Goliath.

BEES?

youtube.com/watch?v=w29XVI6OPzw

UNA

Well from the description of Angels and God, probably

The exact same story is literally repeated later in the Bible with different characters. Judges 19: A Levite and his Concubine. The Benjamites all rape a lady and so her master chops her up and mails her to different parts of the kingdom to get all the Hebrews to rise up and punish the Benjamites. Butt then they feel bad because they don't want to wipe out all the Benjamites so they concoct a heist for the Benjamite men to steal a load of women as wives.

>this whole thread

Are the sequels to the old testament any good? I heard it all goes to shit by the 3rd one