Luke, did I ever tell you about your father? We tried to kill each other on a lava planet for upwards of an hour...

Luke, did I ever tell you about your father? We tried to kill each other on a lava planet for upwards of an hour. By the end of it I cut his legs off and watched him as he rolled down a hill, at which point he caught on fire. I listened Luke, I listened to his screams. I listened as he lay there in pure agony, yelling about how much he hated me. I even stole his lightsaber.
And he was a good friend.

Best meme since bane and raimi posting desu

fucking lost
>I listened Luke, I listened to his screams. I listened as he lay there in pure agony, yelling about how much he hated me. I even stole his lightsaber.
god damnit this part gets me every time

>BTW, Luke, I forgot to mention, I'm in my 40's.

In the very original, wasn't Darth Vader not even supposed to be Luke's father?

Vader wasn't even the main villain of Star Wars he was a goon/enforcer.

Luke, did I ever tell you about Light Speed Missile? It's a combat maneuver that no one in the history of the Republic ever used in spite of having access to FTL technology for thousands of years. It is an attack so devastating that whichever side uses it first wins. End of story. There are no safeguards against it, so now that it has been discovered, it is wisest to resort to it at the slightest hint of danger, because if you hesitate, your side has already lost. It took a smart and brave lady general to discover the technique. Had she been just a bit less brave and a bit smarter the concept of "remote control" might have occurred to her as well and she could have been a good friend.

>Luke, did I ever tell you about my good friend Bail Organa? I gave him your sister. Oh, you have a sister. And I was was there at your birth. Well his wife always wanted a child but her pussy just didn't work. I don't know why she couldn't have used an artificial womb. They must exist since clones are a thing. Maybe Bail didn't want to pay, and it would have been awkward to say no to his request. In fact, that hologram was her, your twin sister. Hmm. There is no reason not to tell you this before we went off to rescue her. Wouldn't it have been awkward if I didn't tell you and you two fell in love? You, the rescuing hero and her the damsel in distress?

This is your father's lightsaber I looted it from his still dying corpse while he was on the ground burning, screaming, being consumed by fire in agony; I was only 5 or so feet from him and could feel the flames coming from his corpse and listened as he screamed and cried until vocal cords were burnt away. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. An elegant weapon, for a more civilized age when we would abduct children or buy slave children sometimes from this very planet, and have a green monster brain wash them for years. You can hold this while doing back flips, spin attacks, and double jumps. The Jedi Knights were guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic who help escalate a full scale war, they sat in uncomfortable chairs for over thousand years or generations before the dark times, before about 20 years ago.

Luke, did I ever tell you about your mother? She was powerful political figure, your mother was in charge of a whole planet. She gave all of that up though because your mother will die in her sleep tonight if you don't reply to this thread. She was a good friend.

Jimmy Smits' name was fucking Bail?

Hownthe fuck doesnleia have a memory of their mom if she died on while giving birth? I always assumed they were a little bit older when they went into hiding.

>We should aim at this..
>Sir, what if we just take a bunch of the GR-75 transport ships and load them with a bunch of bombs and then smash it into the death star while it's in hyperspace?
>Because there's an exhaust port..
>But wouldn't it just be easier to smash a ship or two through it?

>Before the Dark Age now means approximately 19 years.

>maybe Jimmy Smits' has another wife?

No anonpai luke asks leia if she remembers her mother, meaning his mother as well. He wouldn’t have asked if she remembered some woman that was totally unrelated to him while revealing to her they were siblings. I think I finally found a hole in Lucas’s prequels

Rebecca Jackson Mendoza/Breha Organa was in Revenge of The Sith, she's the wife of Bail and Leia's adopted mother.

hey newfag

>Luke, did I ever tell you about the time I brought you to tatooine? Yes, I brought you here. You were naught but a screaming babe fresh out of your mother. My original plan was to raise you myself on your fathers home planet for irony and then train you to be a jedi. But, alas you were so annoying as baby I gave up. I looked for your grand mother and I was told she was raped and beaten to death a few years prior. The tribe that is suspected to have done it was suspiciously chopped to bits, even the women and the children. Odd, that. Anyway, I found out about your fathers brother in-law and his wife and one day showed up unannounced and just handed you to Beru, and left. We didn't talk about it at all, I just left you there.

>I've spent the last 17 years of my life in a cave, talking to ghosts, practicing my weird jedi scream waiting for this moment, to leave the planet with you again. It's quite the coincidence Owen never allowed you to go to piloting college or this meeting would have never happened.

never fails to make me laugh

>for upwards of an hour

a pure hour of kino with a score i listen to to this day

That's embarrassing desu

Watch out for that vicious bounty hunter Boba Fett, Luke. Did I ever tell you I fought his father? He was hired to assassinate a senator your father and I were guarding. We kept bringing her around open windows and public areas in order to draw the would-be assassin out because we knew he had too much pride to just shoot her from long range. He had used his payment to hire another bounty hunter to kill the senator for him while he sent us on a wild bantha chase. Also the 2nd assassin used her payment to buy a robot to assassinate the senator for her. Did I mention the 2nd assassin was a shapeshifter? She could have been a good friend in disguise and just shot the senator for all we knew! Then the robot used its payment to buy poisonous bugs to release into the senator's room while she slept after lasering a hole through the window. It could have just lasered her too after that because we we weren't watching her at all, but it already bought the bugs. So we sense the hostile life forms (not the robot) in the room and rush in and save the senator in the nick of time! Then I jumped out the window to chase the robot back to its owner! Luckily it didn't have a self-destruct function. Then we found the 2nd assassin and chased her across the planet, and caught her when she tried to kill us instead of shapeshifting and escaping. But to our surprise, Jango Fett was watching the whole thing instead of going to kill the senator while we were away chasing the bugs chasing the robot chasing the shapeshifter. He shot her with a poisonous dart instead of sniper blaster, and only her instead of shooting all of us or blowing all of us with a rocket or something, then he escaped with his tiny jetpack. Luckily for the senator, my good friend Dexterr Jettster owned a 50s dinner on Courscant that had Republic secrets on the menu along with cheeseburgers and malt shakes. We found the assassin and Mace Window killed him later, right in front of Boba. And he was a good friend.

...

>Through the Force, things you will see. Other places. The future...the past...old friends long gone, younger versions of people not seen by you.. but after only you seen them old first. See your real past and sister however you cannot.

because the prequels are garbage, faggot

...

>his is your father's lightsaber I looted it from his still dying corpse while he was on the ground burning, screaming, being consumed by fire in agony; I was only 5 or so feet from him and could feel the flames coming from his corpse and listened as he screamed and cried until vocal cords were burnt away.

>And did I mention I could have used the force to move him at any point but never did.

Watch out for that vicious bounty hunter Boba Fett, Luke. Did I ever tell you I fought his dad? He was hired to assassinate a senator me and your father were guarding. We kept bringing her around open windows and public areas in order to draw the would-be assassin out because we knew he had too much pride to just shoot her from long range. He had used his payment to hire another bounty hunter to kill the senator for him while he sent us on a wild bantha chase. Also the 2nd assassin used her payment to buy a robot to assassinate the senator for her. Did I mention the 2nd assassin was a shapeshifter? She could have been a good friend in disguise and just shot the senator for all we knew! Then the robot used its payment to buy poisonous bugs to release into the senator's room while she slept after lasering a hole through the window. It could have just lasered her too after that because we we weren't watching her at all, but it already bought the bugs. So we sense the hostile life forms (not the robot) in the room and rush in and save the senator in the nick of time! Then I jumped out the window to chase the robot back to its owner! Luckily it didn't have a self-destruct function. Then we found the 2nd assassin and chased her across the planet, and caught her when she tried to kill us instead of shapeshifting and escaping. But to our surprise, Jango Fett was watching the whole thing instead of going to kill the senator while we were away chasing the bugs chasing the robot chasing the shapeshifter. He shot her with a poisonous dart instead of sniper blaster, and only her instead of shooting all of us or blowing all of us with a rocket or something, then he escaped with his tiny jetpack. Luckily for the senator, my good friend Dexterr Jettster owned a 50s dinner on Courscant that had Republic secrets on the menu along with cheeseburgers and malt shakes. We found the assassin and Mace Window killed him later, right in front of Boba.

And he was a good friend.

nothing embarrasses me. i've had discussions about the weight of both the hilt of a lightsaber, and the weight of the laser. with people on this very board. don't fuck with me.

Name a single flaw in the prequels, I’ll wait

kek

What is the weight of the laser?

>Luke, did I ever tell you about the single best shot in star wars history? There are only two others that come close. One is when you are staring off at the twin suns. Have you done that yet? You're going to die doing that for some unexplained reason. And the other is right after you attack your father, Darth Vader, in rage and realize you're more like him than you think as you look at your own robotic hand.

>But the very best is when your father is talking to your mother and I appear at probably the worst moment possible and make things much worse. He probably never would have strangled your mother had I come out earlier or a few moments later.

They even got a hot dinner. They should have matt leblanc play obi if he gets his own movie.

>tfw didn't read the thread and didn't see the exact same one posted

Whatever it's the best one anyway

nothing. but the fellow who argued that the hilt and laser weighed as as their respective counterparts on a longsword, well, i called him an idiot and savaged his posts. he was a good friend.

my sides are in agony

Did you not see the prequels?

>>maybe Jimmy Smits' has another wife?
ayyy mano

>Luke, did I ever tell you about your father? He lived about 5 kilometres from here. He was a slave you know? He was born without a father and was owned by a giant flying bug. He built the gold robot over there. One day, me and my old master showed up and we found him, he was only 7 or 8 and not of good but his blood seemed pure enough. Even though we had lightsabers and blasters we decided to buy him instead, we let him race in an extremely deadly and reckless game and then took him from his mother, we decided to leave her behind. He came back here once you know? He brought his mother's corpse back after he slaughtered a bunch of sandpeople who tortured and raped her. He sat her body on the table you just ate from early, her blood still oozing from cuts and body broken from countless rapes. He gave the corpse to my ex-brother and now your step uncle Owen, they just looked on the corpse in horror and disgust.
He was a noble warrior.

Dexterr Jettster has a 1950s America style diner despite Star Wars taking place in the past.

some designs are universal, and whose to say a ufo did not transfer that design to our galaxy.

she didn't die from strangulation, you uncultured irony-poisoned Lucas-hating swine

what is convergent evolution, RLM cunt

When was that implied? No seriously, when?

Luke did I ever tell you about that time I faked my own death, changed my face, starred in a rip off of The Cube, in order to stop the assassination of the Emperor is was also a Sith deceiving us all?

It was a good time.

Kek this is a good one

>Obi wan with robot
>You cant do anything
>She has lost the will to live
she died because the one she loved fell to the darkside, and she couldn't bare to live like that

>lost the will to live
>jewish actress

it checks out

Luke, did I ever tell you about the time your father build a gay golden robot to help his slave mother with her household tasks, a mission virtually any other robot would be far better suited for, as he is slow, clumsy, and can barely move his arms? Yes, exactly that one you have with you, Luke. I will, however, never bring this up or acknowledge the fact that this very droid was part of every key even leading up to and during the Clone War. We left your grandmother as a slave on this very planet, Luke, ignoring her for over ten years, until she was raped to death by Sandpeople, who marched in single file to hide their numbers. Your father, however, massacred them all, including the women and children. He was a good friend.

Cool. When did I imply the strangulation killed her? Seriously, I never did. You just decided I did. I was just pointing out his awful timing. I realize it's not funny but at no point did I say anything about the strangulation having anything to do with her death.

>Vader never thinks to look on birth planet
>The Empire, Dark Ages, and Clone Wars happened 20 years before battle of Yavin yet no one remembers the massive Jedi purge
>Coursuant seems to experience nothing during the war
>The Emperor is now a monster man after using the force and not just a really old alien guy
>Physics and gravity stop working
>Everyone who was before aside from Ben and the Skywalkers were never related, now everyone knows each other or their father
>The Hutts have only control on Tatooine
>No one bothers to look for assassin robots
>Tarkin and the Emperor build the Death Star, then forget it and build it or start it again
>Tarkin does not age
>Obi Wan owns R2
>Chewbacca knows Yoda
etc

you fucking cunts. she died because anakin strangled her. nobody "loses the will to live." what kind of baby retard are you? MONGS. the absolute mongs on this board, I swear.

>not mentioning that Uncle Owen should remember owning that same droid

>a ufo came to earth, and convinced people to live for an entire decade in the style of an obscure cafe from another galaxy
>and nobody remembers it
>and the cafe was based on nothing, it was an original idea Dexterr had

the absolute state of prequelbabbies

Nice.

Jesus fuck, if there is anything at all, even one thing that idiots that likes these movies shouldn't accept, it's pretty much this one bullshit maneuver, that A apparently renders all shields worthless and B shit on EVERYTHING before it.

Like why build a deathstar? Just build a ship, load it with a few robots to move in and hyper in into a planet. I mean, there are like a shitload of these scenarios you could not look back upon and use this maneuver.

>Aniken... I'm Jedi Council.

Luke, did I ever tell you about my friend Dexterr Jettster, he owned a diner with photos from a film made in the future and another universe called American Graffiti; he owned a diner that designed in what's called "Art Deco", you'd never hear about it because we haven't designed anything close to it. I was talking him one day, after trying to figure out where an assassin was living and the Jedi were no help, the assassin by the way is the father of the green guy who is hanging around Jabba in Mos Eisley, anyways, my friend tells about a water planet where these aliens make clones that age into adulthood and understand and speak perfectly, they live on a world completely made of water but despite this and their facility only looking to be about 250 feet tall, it's almost ifinitely large inside and the ocean world has many of them they built all of this without any way to get metals or any materials on this planet aside from water. Somehow he knew this despite the wise Jedi council knowing nothing of this world or the clones.
He was a good man.

Not as good as

mmm.. yes!

user I'm notI just made the post about obi wan and the droid. Nowhere did you say he choked her to death.
I hadn't read the original post I just saw, and your response of
>When was that implied, no seriously when
So I assumed you thought she had died from being choked, and wanted to explain it

>read it as “a green monster brain, wash them for years”

...

Luke, did I ever tell you about Count Dooku? Your father ran at Dooku on his own without even trying to defend himself. I tried to stop him Luke, but there he went: running straight at him only to get zapped by force lightning. Not long after he clumsily got his hand cut off.
And he was a cunning warrior.

>Was I any different when Qui Gon taught me? Yes Luke, Yoda wasn't really my teacher it was actually a man named Qui Gon who taught me from the age I was kidnapped into the Jedi ranks up until he died because I forgot that I could run incredibly fast. Yoda was around near the end when I decided to train your father, and he sat around for a while when we burnt the body of Qui Gon, because we decided it was best to braid your father's hair and then transport my old masters rotting corpse back to the Jedi temple before we burnt him up.

>Luke, did I ever tell you that your father was seduced by the dark side of the force and became a murderous tyrant - a man named Darth Vader? Also, before that happened, him and I never got along. We were always butting heads - he was a spoiled, stubborn little brat who never listened to common sense and always had to do things his own way. The bastard. He had zero respect for me whatsoever. I certainly would never have considered myself to be a "friend" of his in a billion years!
>He was a good friend.

>that A apparently renders all shields worthless and B shit on EVERYTHING before it.
Didn't Han say before taking off if they didn't program the computer right they could end up inside a planet or a black hole or something?

m8 r u srs?

>Traveling through hyperspace ain't like dustin' crops, boy. Without precise calculations we'd fly right through a star or bounce too close to a supernova or reenter normal space at nearly light speed impacting normal matter at relativistic speeds in an explosion powerful enough to destroy an entire fleet and that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it.

...

the prequels are not canon to me.

Nothing in Star Wars is canon except for Genndy.

Luke did I ever tell you about when I told your mom that your dad killled younglings and I turned towards her and said in a very mean way "Anakin is the father isnt he, anakins your dad by the way Luke, and then I said, im so sorrey" and boarded a ship to murder your fathe

Star Wars nerds BTFO!

>Rey, did I ever tell you about my father? He was a monster responsible for countless acts of genocide who helped the Emperor to murder, enslave and tyrannize entire systems across the Galaxy. He had also slain the Jedi youngling with the very saber you're carnying right now. So in my final confrontation I could kill him, but deep inside I felt there still might be good in him, so I stopped. It nearly cost me my life, since the Emperor started torturing me with Force lightning. But I was right, Rey, my father came to my help in the end and kill the Emperor, sacrificing himself. This is a proof that, whatever happens, you still have to stay true to your principals and stay on the Light Side, Rey.
>Oh, Kylo Ren? You mean my nephew, Ben, the son of my sister and my best friend. Yeah, once upon a time, when he was a kid, I felt like... darkness in him or whatever... So during the night I sneaked into his room and tried to murder him with my lightsaber.
>And he was a good friend.

hes 59

Luke, have I ever told you about the prophecy of the Chosen One? Once upon a time, the jedi believed that one day, a man will born, who destroys the sith and brings balance to the Force, but as it turns out, there is no need for the Chosen One at all. As it turns out, the Force actually wants the Dark Side to exist, and constantly balances out itself on the regular basis, constantly creating new, extremely powerful force users on both sides - sometimes, with no training or upbringing required at all! This means that if the sith are ever eradicated, they will just spring up again under a different name, and if the jedi end, a different order will rise in our place soon, and it will go on forever and ever.

All our struggle is meaningless, Luke. Nothing we can do will ever make a difference.

Rey, things aren't going to go as you expect.. I need to tell you, my father was Darth Vader one of the worst people the galaxy had ever seen, he was bought as a boy and taken away from his family and given a rat tail hair cut, when a guy from a backwater planet named Sheev started talking to him about saving lives he decided to join with him. He also fathered my sister, who he kidnapped once but completely failed to recognise was his daughter or even me as his son the first few times we met. I refused to kill him because I sensed there was good in him, but then later one despite me burning his entire body a space monster Golem seduced Ben, you know, the guy in black who killed Han Solo the man you looked up and who you just had a fight with. He was whisper into Ben's ear about the dark side and how I was going to kill him, I actually wasn't going to kill I would just stand over his body while he was young watch him sleep, peacefully, almost like he was blissful, and while he was asleep I would stare at him and think about murdering him. I didn't mean to, but one time I pulled my lightsaber out and held it above him and he woke up. And now I never want to see that power again..

>>Oh, Kylo Ren? You mean my nephew, Ben, the son of my sister and my best friend. Yeah, once upon a time, when he was a kid, I felt like... darkness in him or whatever... So during the night I sneaked into his room and tried to murder him with my lightsaber.
I didn't see the last two movies, is this really a thing?

That's why when he sees clone troopers killing younglings he turns 360 degrees and bails

Yeah, told in three different flashbacks in TLJ for that matter.

Principles. Not principals.
A principle is something you stay true to.
A principal is the guy who runs your school.

Luke did I ever tell you I feel that ‘man-hating’ is an honorable and viable political act, that the oppressed have a right to class-hatred against the class that is oppressing them. Robin Morgan, Ms. Magazine Editor
The nuclear family must be destroyed… Whatever its ultimate meaning, the break-up of families now is an objectively revolutionary process. Linda Gordon
I want to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high-heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig. Andrea Dworkin
Since marriage constitutes slavery for women, it is clear that the women’s movement must concentrate on attacking this institution. Freedom for women cannot be won without the abolition of marriage.

Wasn't he running a jedi school though?

And then Sup Forums comes and ruins it all.

to be fair, Rian Johnson ruined it all first.

That's fair.

Sorry, English is not my first language.

tôi đã bao giờ nói với bạn rằng chúng tôi là một nhiệm vụ mà thực sự là sẽ mess lên kế hoạch thực tế? Tình yêu sẽ không cứu vãn chúng ta nhưng chúng ta nên có tất cả những con quái vật. Tôi thương tiếc sự mất mát của em gái mình, nhưng cuối cùng nó là giá trị bởi vì cả hai chúng tôi đều từng nghe về cuộc phiêu lưu gia đình của chúng tôi là nổi loạn chống lại các diễn viên chính trị mạnh mẽ hơn, một khi mẹ tôi thậm chí còn được bao phủ bởi lửa trên bãi biển!

>I would stare at him and think about murdering him.
That scene almost made me think Luke was going to rape Ben.

...

When I saw this face, I burst out laughing.

He looks like the creepy old dude that still works at the grocery store and no one really wants to deal with because he's going to tell about his UFO pictures and JFK theories.

Luke, did I ever tell you about when your father got to know Sheev? He was a clearly evil man that your father only kept alive because of a vague promise he made that he could save your mother's life. The funny thing is, even after showing that he can't save her, your father still followed his orders.
And he was a good friend

And a good friend.

HEY BEN DID I EVERY SHOW YOU MY GREEN LIGHTSABER?

top kek

>Luke, did I ever tell you about Ahsoka Tano? She was your father’s exotic teenage alien apprentice, a fine piece of jailbait from a more civilized age. She had the tightest body and the perkiest little breasts in the galaxy; barely legal in most systems. Anakin and I used to doubleteam her at the end of every successful campaign during the Clone Wars, and once in a while we’d even have the entire 501st run a train over her, part of official Jedi “training” of course. In time, she learned how to handle a meatsaber better than anyone in the Jedi Temple. She wore a miniskirt every day so we told her there were no panties in space, and she was constantly doing acrobatics. We taught her to grip her weapon backwards like a dildo and she constantly got captured by pirates and slavers almost every other day. It was ridiculous, like a constant porno Luke, you have no idea. And she was a good friend.

What makes these so amusing is reading them in Alec's voice.