Spider-man (1967) Sins of the Green Dad Part III: Menace from the bottom of the world

I believe it's time for a Spider-man episode. Tonight's episode we go down deep into the erf. But why? Can Spider-man still be considered a street level hero if he's all the way down there?

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Can't believe I've been doing this for over a year now. How the time flies, eh? Doesn't feel like it.

Betty: Peter! Where have you been?! It feels like it's been forever since you've been at work!

Peter: Hey Betty, what's cracking?

Betty: Mister Jameson is cracking! The whip!

Peter: I mean, what's shaking?

Betty: Mister Jameson is shaking! He's had too much caffeine this morning and has been involuntarily shifting through solid objects. It's making handing him anything difficult.

Peter: I mean, what's up, Betty?

Betty: Mister Jameson's blood pressure is up! He's hoping mad!

Peter: Oh forget it.

Right! Before I forget! Mister Jameson has been looking for you all morning. He told me to to tell you to not waste any time and head to his office right away.

He remembers who I am?! Your boss remembering that you exist is the first step to getting a promotion!

Or does that mean I'm on top of his shit list? Better play it cool.

PARKER! WHERE THE BLAZES HAVE YOU BEEN? I DON'T PAY YOU TO HANG AROUND THE WATER COOLER ALL DAY

We had a water cooler installed?! No more room temperature water for this guy!

why the fuck did Spidey fight so many green OCs

Even back then it's not like he had a shortage of villains for them to use

Jameson: Two sentences in and you've ready wasted my time. HERE. PARKER. We're understaffed today and I've got some nutty professor claiming he's receiving alien messages from the center of the Earth. We need someone to check it out.

Personally, I think his story is a load of flubber and he's klumping up our style, but investigate it anyways. Might be good to fill some space on the back page. Anyways, there's the address, get in, get out, don't dawdle.

Peter: Want me to get his picture?

Jameson: That basketcase? Don't waste the film, draw me a little doodle.

You know, Parker, if you ever need inspiration for writing a caption for your little pictures, I'm always available if you need the help. I'll have you know that I make a good mint captioning all those Heathcliff funnies.

Jameson: Hammond. If you want to toot your own horn, go join a band. YOUR assignment is to cover the story about the bank that went under. PARKER. I CAN'T MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T LEAVE

Why does Hammond have to get all the primo assignments? What does he have that I don't have? Besides a journalism degree, a decade of experience, keen observational skills, a fast car, contacts throughout the community... besides that we're identical!

I don't wanna be stuck with dumb assignments. I wanted to be the one to cover the bank story. A bank going under? How does that even happen? I'd love to spend an evening looking through their records to see where they went wrong.

Ah well, when life gives you lemons you webswing across town because it's cheaper than bus fare with less weirdos across the way.

Chuck: I'm telling you Sabrina, it's dinner time

Sabrina: The hell it is, it's supper time. It's too early for dinner.

Chuck: But they're the same thing!

Sabrina: Bull. Shit. Supper is an early, lighter meal you piece of shit. It dates back to medieval times and all that.

Chuck: But we're not in medieval times and language evolves throughout generations of people!

Sabrina: No it doesn't!

Copyright infringement tweetybird: Are you shitting me? This is what white people argue about?

Peter: So.... you've got radio messages from underground and you think it's aliens?

Professor: Ja ja! Herr Parker! Exactly right! The Aliens are sending messages into my brain and to my equipment and maybe your brain too. Do you mind if I check? It will only take 3 seconds to drill, it will hurt for und moment und then you will not be able to feel pain ever again. Its how do you Americans say? Surgical Enlightnment.

This guy's fucking crazy what did Jameson send me into?!

Oh! Und ze aliens are speaking in und alien language! Is very interesting! I have no idea what they are saying!

Ok... do you have any recordings I can listen to before I bolt out the door for freedom while you're not looking?

Certainly mein boy! Have a listen! Someday, decades from now, people vill sample zes recordings into their new age music.

issionmay neomay ccomplisheday. eparepray issionmay wotay otay aketay insorway treetsay ankbay taay oonnay

That sounds familiar...

Holy cats! I figured it out! They're going to attack another bank at noon!

There's not a moment to spare!

Peter: Oh look at the time! I have to be somewhere. I uh I uh

Yeah! Now I've got it! Sorry to cut out, Mr. Nutty Professor, but i've got to meet someone. A Dr. Dolittle is coming to America aboard the USS Bowfinger and I'm supposed to meet him at the haunted mansion and he hates to be kept waiting, and he has to leave in 48 hrs. We're supposed to discuss Beverly Hills cops and their response to the Tower Heist incident. Imagine that!

byenow

Professor: Wait! Our interview! I have many things to say on many topics, not just aliens. Like knitting and politics! Come back! You haven't even gotten mein name!

Peter: I DON'T CARE

*SLAM*

It's Mads...

Is this the one where he goes underground and gets attacked by giant birds and stuff?

If I keep staring maybe he'll come back.

yes

There's the bank! Not a moment too soon! Everything's A-OK

POOF

GREAT. JUST GREAT. THE BANK WENT UNDERGROUND. I SWEAR TO GOD IF MOLEMEN, A MOLEMAN, MOLEWOMEN, MOLE PEOPLE OR ATTENTION SEEKING MORLOCKS ARE BEHIND THIS THERE'S GOING TO BE HELL TO PAY

Wow, it's way down there. Maaan. I wanted to look through some financial ledgers today, not go spelunking.

Better get this done before the Fantastic Four show up and take all the credit. I am NOT in the mood to deal with the Human Torch today.

Hey! There's someone standing over the edge where the bank was! I think they're going to jump! Everyone come look!

I WANNA SEE I WANNA SEE!

Witnessing someone end their life. I was wondering when I'd scratch that one off the bucket list.

DO A FLIP

What?! No! I'm not going to kill myself! Better get out of here before they murder me out of disappointment.

Or before JJ gets wind that I was here either for that matter. I can see the Bugle headline now

"Spider-man Secretly Trap Door Spider, Lures Unsuspecting Bank to its Doom"
"

Huh. The Earth really is hollow on the inside and all the conspiracy theorists in the world were right about everything. Guess I owe Al Gore one hell of an apology.

Ah so that was the plan. So they dug a tunnel underneath the Bank, replaced the area directly underneath it with a platform, then lowered it down with an incredibly powerful and complex hydraulic system. That's how they did it.

But why? Why would anyone do something this stupid?

Come to think of it, I haven't seen anyone down here but someone had to dig all this out and build that shrine to Goldar over there

Hello? Anyone home? Does anyone want to buy a newspaper subscription and/or a vacuum cleaner or a set of really sharp knives?

I snapped my neck to check if anyone was going to sneak behind me to surprise me after saying that, but alas, it was for nothing.

Just what I needed. Cave critters.

I wonder which way cave birds fly for the winter? Down?

Hey there friend! You look you have food! Give me your food! I'll take bread, worms, peas, rice, chocolate, anything you got! I'm not picky so gimme gimmie!

I've got nothing for you, polly so get the flock out of my way.

You're holding out on me! I'm not going away until you give me a snack! A bite of anything it's all I want!

And I thought New York pigeons were annoying

If you dont got food I'm gonna take a bite out of DAT. JUICY. AAAAAASSSSSSSSS

I don't know what the hell kind of mistake of God you are, but now you're stuck in this birdcage I webbed just for you. I've got a mystery to solve, but when I get back if you've been good I work at a place that has lots of free newspapers that'd be great to line it with.

You just need to know how to treat animals right and they'll always be right by you.

And we're off to find the bad guy again

Matt McMuscles? Is this where the axe ended up?!

NOPE. I'm too upset to crash into the ground.

Looking up the skirt, eh? Like what you see?

(Wow he's really big. I bet he ejaculates like an artillery gun)

No. Just passing through. Not looking or anything. Do you need something?

If you want to pass alive you must answer my trivia questions! Who is the lowest ranked person to official command the bridge of the Starship Enterprise-D

I'm more of a Star Wars guy myself. Pass? Ask me a question about IG-88 and I'll nail it.

Who was the first person to tuck their shirt/uniform in TNG?

Where is the canonical death of Hoshi Sato?

STOOOOOP

What article of clothing was Morn fitted to wear for his planned speaking moment?

Which actor was the role of Spock repeatedly offered to before Nimoy took it? Hello? Where did he go?

Take a dive, quizmaster. You didn't notice how I webbed your leg. A mistake you'll soon regret!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

He's dead, jim.

I hear voices from this window. A window clearly made by a very drunk construction worker. It's why you never hammer while you're hammered.

I didn't know that M. C. Escher was an architect. What dimension are the stairs?

Golly, there's a lot of them. Time to get Noir Spider-man.

> Scopoaranehominiphobia: The fear of being watched by Spider-man

...

There's something wrong here. I've got an itch and its in one of those impolite-to-scratch-in-public places. I wanna do it but if a cute monster girl sees me do, I deny it, and then she smells my finger and then she'll know in her beastly heart of hearts that I'm a liar. What do?

SPIDER-CHOP

Sorry, you had a spider on your shoulder no, that was me.

If I keep following the baffling architecture I know I'll head the right away.

I'm all for freedom of expression, but for designing this trash, Frank Lloyd Wright should be drug out into the street and shot.

With a gate this big getting my foot in the door should be a cinch

At long last we're past the filler.

It takes 3 bottles of hair gel to look this good but in front of captives it's worth it to look your best

"Hey we still on for bowling tonight? Last time I had a ball."

"Yeah but we need to get before 7:00 if we're going to get the good rate so we won't have time to spare after work. Do you want to go glo-bowling?

"Nah, all the young beastmen blast their loud music and that's no fun"

WELCOME TO THE GONG SHOW

With that kind of entrance we're bound to see what kind of leader is behind all this.

My followers, you have done well. I see you've gotten the Banks and their occupants just as planned. Soon we'll have all their wealth, and I, THE LEADER, will rule both surface and underworlds unquestioned!

Quick question. What's a bank and what's money and why do we want or need it?

I am a wise and patient LEADER and will answer you. What's a bank? It's where those humans keep their money, they riches, and most importantly their gold and silver they mined from the Earth! Our Earth! That gold and silver in their vaults was stolen from us and we're finally taking it back! What they have is our heritage, our pride, our dignity. That's why we're taking that gold and silver.

I don't remember any gold and silver down here. You mean these humans stole something that we didn't even remember having? Those fiends! That's even worse!

Are we supposed to feel guilty or something?

Hi, Hannibal Hammond, Daily Bugle. I can see that you have some issues with us above-grounders. I humbly request that you allow me to go back to my people and relay your demands and let us bring peace between our two civilizations.

You're not in a position to humbly request anything you pasty faced freak! I'm in charge here; I have the horns, I wear the most purple, I have the most gradiouse diction! You're going to stay there and do what you're told. You're mine! SLAVES.

We're slaves? We thought that caucasians could only be indentured servants! How dare he treat us like ... like we were irish!

Hammond: You won't get away with this! Somone will! Could you two back off a little and let me say something heroic?

"No! I want to smell! He smell like cinnamon!"

"Bitch! He mine!"