Spider-man (1967) Diamond Dust

It's Saturday and that means it's time for a Spider-man thread. This week's episode features Spider-man trying to balance his social life pitching for the baseball team with his crime-fighting life stopping robberies and zoo riots. Will he ever find a balance between them? Alright let's get this show on the road.

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I wonder what kids thought, waking up early to watch this show back in 1968.

No time for warmups, Mike, we're starting raw. Hard and fast, pounding away at your catcher's mitt over and over, building up the intensity.

Awww come on Pete. Can't we change up your pitching to something else? How about soft and slow. I'm still bruised and worn out from last time ya know?

Pete: Really, you don't like my pitching? I thought you loved catching!

Mike: I know! I know! It's my favorite position to play but the big game is later and if I'm spent I might drop the ball and then the coach is going to drop me from the team. I just know it!

Peter: Yeah and if the coach watches and thinks I'm underperforming then he'll make someone else lead pitcher and you wouldn't want someone else taking my place would you?

Mike: Well no...

Mike: How about this? We go easy and then you save the hard pitches for the big climax!

Peter: Ok OK you have a deal.

Mike: Sorry to bust your balls, but I want to be a star player on the team. I can't get away with just doing softcore stuff if I want to get noticed.

Peter: That's right. Softcore stuff is for tee ball. We're out here to get dirty and sweaty and do all the moves that younger kids aren't allowed to do. We grip balls tighter and slide in rougher than anyone on the team!

It's not hot and steamy enough for this conversation. Allow me to remedy that.

Mike: We gotta stay hot, Pete! Hot and nubile! Everything about us should be glistening, our abilities as well as our abs! Gotta be able to last for hours, gotta be able to satisfy needs over and over again!

Peter: I don't know man, this talk is getting too allegorical

Mike: I'm saying we won't be winners if we get booted off the team, Pete. Jeez I know my awesome bod is distracting but we're talking serious shit here. We will not score if we don't measure up.

Peter: Ok...

Mike: Hey, rub my back?

Peter: Sure!

>baseball
That's how you know the show is REALLY old.

Mike: Cause we can't win if we don't PLAY the game, right, Peter?

Peter: That's uh yeah. So we're doing this to impress the girls?

Mike: Weren't you paying attention? That's the whole point! Puss is amazing and I want a taste!

Hey there

I look in your eyes, and what do I see? You and me. Under the stars. Moonlight is the only music we need, but I think you and I could make some real beautiful music together. Oh yeah, baby. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ain't no lion gonna sleep tonight with us around.

"Bruno, who you talkin' to?"

"Nobodys you gotta be worried about"

"Alright so why are we here? When you told us to go to the costume shop to pick up some monkey suits this ain't what I was expectin'"

Hello! I am Mr. Beckett! Greetings! Salutations! Good Morning! Welcome!

Tony: Get to the point, Beckett

Beckett: Quite right. I shall cut the quick. I have assembled a gang of the most cutthroat ruffians of this fair city for a must foul plan. One that relies on deception, ruthlessness, terror, and if successful will pay us all more than a paltry sum, a criminal feat which will make us all infamous for generations to come!

So what do you say, Gentlemen, are you game for some monkey business?

...

AHAHAHAHA

Gotta admit that was a painful pun.

Tony: Alright ya mooks clam it up. I wanna hear what this wiseguy has for us and why we need to be wearing gorilla suits for this.

Yeah! What Tony said! Why ARE we dressed up like gorillas?

Beckett: Ah, the objective. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice and you shall learn of it.

Our caper shall require precise timing and a mammoth setup, but if successful none shall be the wiser.

But... why are we dressed up like Gorillas?

The plan, my felonious friends, is to pilfer this. The famous and one-of-a-kind baseball diamond, on display now.

WOW! What a rock! That things gots more carots than a bugs bunny convention! Let me take a look at that!

Hey it's like holding one of dem baseballs! It's almost regulation size but not regulation weight. So we're stealing something you already have? This is the best crime ever!

Yes, quite. Why would they call something similar to a baseball "the baseball diamond" I couldn't fathom a guess.

What you have before you is merely a facsimile made of Cubic Zirconia I had made as a prop because I anticipated you scoundrels would want to get your grubby little hands on it and throw it around. No, the real item is here at the Cosmopolitan Museum and that is our objective.

This is what you'll be looking for. Take a good look. In the words of the immortal bard, Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.

We shall see how great we truly are when our mettle is tested. Any questions?

Now you're just fucking with us. WHY. ARE. WE. DRESSED. LIKE. GORILLAS.

I was getting to that. Before we start our mission museum we must complete part 1 of our objective here. At the zoo...

You're one crazy cook you know that? But you use bigs words and we like that about you.

Locked here in this prison. I'll get my chance. They make gawk and jeer but one day I'll get my chance one day...

"HEY LOOK IT'S HARAMBE LOOK AT HIM PACE AIN'T THAT CUTE HE LOOKS SO MAD LOOK AT HIM BE MAD IN HIS TINY CELL"

"So what's his story anyways? What's he in for?"

"DUH. He's a gorilla"

"And"

"And he got busted for dealing drugs to children in a school zone"

Boss says Im giving yous a parole

I told them no prison could hold me and now that they've unlocked the door they've proven me right!

Just want to say thanks for the storytime buddy, I appreciate them a lot

I RULE THE ZOO NOW AND THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME CHANGES.

Is this one of those trained movie gorillas? Are they filming Dunston checks out after all these years?

I'm glad that someone does. Not sure how many people even pay attention to these.

Gorilla: Bitch, the fuck did you just say? Dunston checks in was about an Orangutan in a hotel. You die first.

No please! I could teach you sign language and painting! Please don't! My horoscope said I was supposed to be killed by a tiger today!

Your body shall be my canvas and I'll sign my name with your blood.

OUT OF THE WAY EVERYONE RUN GET THE FUCK OUT THERE'S A KILLA GORILLA

This Silverback has some bones to crack

The Gorilla's free? It's only a matter of time before he tires of humans and comes for us!

I'll never forget the terror I feel this day!

SHHH Child. Not to worry. Momma will make sure we both die quickly and together.

I do
Bump

FIRST RULE. NO MORE BANANAS. I SEE A BUNCH OF BANANAS I'M SHOVING THEM UP YOUR ASS UNTIL THEY DON'T FIT ANYMORE

They were really stretched for stories this season huh.

That gorilla's gone ape! Someone stop him!

AND MY NAME'S NOT HARAMBE. IT'S STEREOTYPE THAT WE'RE ALL NAMED HARAMBE MY NAME IS CAPTAIN SQUEAKYBOOTS. REMEMBER IT.

Why are we running in circles? The exit's that way. Someone call for help!

We have a code 19-2000 coming in.The Gorillaz are playing live at the zoo.

Oh BOY! We're on our way! We DARE to handle it! I hope they play Feel Good Inc.

OK we're here! Where's the band playing at? Hey, where's the crowds?

That phone call won't buy me much time but enough to set one hell of an ambush.

THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR GORILLA HANDS UP AND WE WON'T SHOOT TO KILL. How could you get our hopes up like that, man, that was low.

DId you hear the news about the gorilla at the zoo? the entire police department has the zoo surrounded but if that gorilla breaks the blockade we're all done for.

"Should we start looting now?"

"Nah, let's go catch a movie first"

This looks like a job for Spider-man!

Let's make this quick. I'm not in the mood to monkey around.

BRING IT. Gorillas eat bugs like you!

*WHAM*

That's one tough Gorilla! I better take care of him quick or I'll have yet another animal-themed rouge to my already crowded gallery.

Owie he hurt my tum tum

WHEN I GET THESE GIANT HANDS ON HIM...

Spider-man: If it's a dick-measuring contest you're after, Mr. Gorilla, I'll warn you that nature has destined you to lose!

Spider-man: Oh heh. You got your giant hands on me. Care to shake hands and exchange business cards?

FAST GORILLA SPECIAL

Lion: What's the big idea? Can't a lion get a good day's sleep around here without getting disturbed?

Spider-man: Sorry! I'll make it up to you later!

Gorilla: OOGA BOOGA BOOGA

Spider-man: No no you're doing it all wrong! Scream with your gut, not your mouth. Project more! Here, you get on the ground and I'll show you how it's done.

Channel 52 news reporting in. Spider-man has temporarily protected millions from genocide by putting his life on the line to fight the gorilla in the talking animal zoo but can he hold out? So far the gorilla's been fighting clean but that could change any minute and Spider-man's throwing every move he's got but nothing's sticking.

Beckett: Yes, will he fall before the slings and arrows of that jungle beast? We shall see. And who said you men could take off your masks?

Bruno: Come on! We can hardly see the tv!

Nothing's sticking? HA! Spider-man always trails the first half of a fight.

Spider-man: It's time you cooled off young man.

HELP! Someone help! I'm from Africa! I can't swim!

ORK ORK ORK. WHAT A SHOW. ORK ORK ORK

Stupid Gorilla! You're with sea lions! You better balance a ball on your nose or something! I worked hard today and deserve some amusement!

Beckett: That was as they say "the curtain call". Spider-man got away but that small diversion should ready the museum for our clandestine operation.

Tony: If you say so. Hey I was thinking maybe we could all have code names. Bruno could be Magilla, Rocko could be DK, and I could be Optimus Primal.

Rocko: No fuck you! I want to be Optimus Primal.

Bruno: Ok hows about this. Tony is Priminal, I'm transmetal primal, and Rocko is Optimal Optimus Primal.

No no no that just won't do. You can't ALL be codenamed Optimus Primal. No code names. Not for anyone.

I keep staring but I just don't get it. Cow Tools. Why is it funny? There's a joke in there somewhere and it's driving me mad! Gary Larsen wouldn't make a strip with no punchline would he? WOULD HE? MAYBE HE WOULD I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

Hey Joe you doing ok over there? Where's the other guards?

I'm ok. Just analyzing the humor of the funny pages. All the other boys are rubbernecking at the zoo. I'm the only guard left.

Ok sure. Hopefully furious george won't end up here.

Spider-man: Officers, I've drained all the water. The Gorilla appears to have killed and eaten the sea lions in his anger but he won't be getting out of there. OHCRAP WHAT TIME IS IT THE GAME STARTED

Coach: Where's Parker? We can't delay the game any further. We have to have someone pitch for us. Cindy can't buy us any more time.

Cindy: I'm a girl!

Mike: Thanks, Cindy. I know Pete'll be here. We'll just have to make do with someone else in the meantime.

your good enough that i think that if you had the resources you could have your own abridged spider man show.

Coach: Listen Johnny, I know you're the mascot but we're down a pitcher and we need you on the field. This is your ball game now, you've seen all of Big Windup!, Little Busters!, and Taishou Yakyuu Musume, right? You got this game in the bag. You're in a league of your own, kid.

Perhaps. It's the technical side of things that gives me trouble. Don't know where to start with animating. I'd torrent like a motherfucker if I knew what to grab.

I'm always here.

Mike: You want me to switch partners, coach?

Coach: Yes damnit! Sweet talk him all your secrets and plays! Do whatever it takes.

Johnny: But what if Peter comes back?

Coach: If Parker shows up! He's going in the ball pen and I'm so mad I may never let him out.

Mike: I don't know what'd keep him. Peter loves fondling balls!

Excuse me sir, do you have the time?

Huh

Time for me to die

Tony: Wow he actually did! You'd think he'd never seen a monkey with a gun before.

Bruno: It's not every day you have someone call their own heart attack neither

starting small it would mostly be editing recording of your VA's and syncing them up to the mouths

Bruno: Now that's how it's done! One kill no shots. I have a 200% accuracy rating!

Beckett: And now that we have the place to ourselves we can quest for the baseball diamond in peace.

And there it is.Looking exactly as I had hoped it would. For this beauty I shall dirty my hands and pistol whip its glass enclosure.

What a painful lesson learned! Bulletproof glass is also gun-proof.

Tony: Allow me. No offense but I've been hitting the gorilla juice and you ain't

That's the problem. I'd rather edit the mouth movements to have more freedom than sync it up

Oh darn. I gave up another home run.

Peter: That's no good. I should be on the field right now. I'd have made the game a shutout. Instead you got the stupid mascot out there. What was the coach thinking?

Cindy: Peter I swear to to god I'm going to smack you. Where WERE you? You think you can pop up and showboat any time you wish?